Wednesday, September 29, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 3 - 2010)

I've got little time to put this thing together, but long story short: this is how I think things would shake down if the teams met on a neutral site. I'm trying to base this off of this year's performances and not on reputation or past performance.

32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Trap game? Not on my watch...


(Sean Payton is seated in his coaching war room with Drew Brees and Jonathan Vilma.)

VILMA: Coach, we been at this for hours on end! It's 4 a.m., we need to get some sleep before getting on that plane to Frisco!

BREES: Jonathan's right, Coach. We've been running drills and watching game film almost 18 hours everyday. Don't you think that...

PAYTON: Guys, do you want everyone to keep writing you off?!?!?

VILMA & BREES: No, sir.

PAYTON: That's right! Cause everyone WILL keep on underestimating us if we ever give them an opportunity!!! You want Jaws and Schlerath to say we didn't deserve to be Super Bowl champions?

BREES: To be honest, Coach, I kinda don't care what any asshole on TV thinks...

PAYTON: WRONG! Wrong-wrong-wrong!!! Everyone thinks this is a trap game for us, like we're going to overlook the 49ers or something!!

BREES: Coach, Vilma and I know better than to look past any opponent. Shoot, I learned that watching "Road House."

VILMA: Yeah, what Drew sa-wait a second....You watched "Road House," Drew?

BREES: Shockey let me borrow one of his copies.

VILMA: Copies?

BREES: He's got, like, 12 of them. Some unopened and autographed by Ben Gazzara. It's weird.

VILMA: You right about that...

PAYTON: Enough! Now I've gone to great expense to get a guest speaker for you two. (Payton pushes button on his desk.) Send him in.

(Vilma and Brees turn around...)

VILMA: What the fuck is that?!?

PAYTON: Don't you know anything, Vilma?!? This is Admiral Ackbar! A member of the Mon Calamari race and leader of the Rebel Alliance's fleet! Christ almighty, Vilma, don't you watch TV or read the news?!?

BREES:'s a squid?

PAYTON: Yeah, sorta. Admiral, what are your words of advice for these guys?

(Admiral Ackbar paces about the room, hands flippers behind his back. He quickly spins around and looks at Brees and Vilma.)


(Vilma gasps. Brees is unimpressed.)

BREES: so?

ACKBAR: (thinks to himself) Uh...IT'S A TRAP!!!

BREES: Yeah, uh, so?

PAYTON: Drew, the Admiral wants to remind you not to sleep on the 49ers...


BREES: Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for the inspiring words, Admiral, but I've got to get home pack my carry on.


(Brees leaves, shaking his head.)

PAYTON: What do you think, Vilma?

VILMA: I don't know, Coach? Yo, Admiral, what's your favorite movie?


VILMA: And your least favorite movie?


VILMA: You got a least favorite singer?


VILMA: Right, right...Do you have any pregame rituals you'd recommend?


VILMA: Alright, I see where this one is going, I'm gonna hit the showers before hitting the road.


PAYTON: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. You've been a big help. Can I take you anywhere?


(End scene.)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Return of "Schmuck of the Week!"

Back when I used to write for a certain news station in the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area, I wanted to come up with a way bust people's balls for doing asinine things in the world of sports. Obviously, I didn't care enough to write 600 words on JUST Big Ben being an idiot for not wearing a helmet that time he got into a motorcycle accident. I wanted to get in, do my damage, and get out. Since there will never be a shortage of jackassery in sports, I figured I had a readymade column to turn in on a weekly basis. I even had a name for it: Schmuck of the Week.

Schmuck of the Week ran for only four or five entries, though. Why? I go to work one day and my supervisor/department head tells me, "Kevin, you can't call it 'Schmuck of the Week' anymore. (So-so) says 'schmuck' means 'penis' in Yiddish and we can't have that on our website."

I took it in stride.

"Are you fucking kidding me, (name redacted)?!? This is bullshit!"

I attempted to argue that schmuck had taken on other meanings in modern American society, like "fool," "idiot," "someone who is asinine," etc. That didn't work. I think I called it something else for one week and stopped it entirely. If I couldn't call it Schmuck of the Week, especially if it was due to some bullshit complaint by a coworker, then why bother writing it? There's principalities in this!!

So now that I've had this blog thing running for a couple years, it occurred to me, "why not dust off the old bit?" But Kevin, you're probably saying, you run a blog now. Why not call it something more vulgar, like "Fucking fuckhead of the Week?" No, that's not the point. Schmuck of the Week is what I was denied calling it, so Schmuck of the Week is what I WILL call it, now and forever.

Here's how it works: if somebody in the sports world acts like a jackass, says something asinine, does something that causes the rest of us to face palm, then they are eligible to be included in this group. Like the old column, I don't really decide on a winner, per say; all these jackasses are winners in their own right and deserve a fair share of the spite spotlight.

Here goes nothing....

Chris Berman's mustache

Super Mario called...what'd you do with Princess Toadstool?!?

Ines Sainz...and everyone else

I'm not saying this woman "had it coming" or "deserved it." Nope. That'd make ME the asshole. However, what Hottie McHotTits over here needs to understand (if she didn't before) is that you cannot legitimately claim to be a professional sports reporter and dress like that. Go work for Extra or E! or some shit if you want to dress like that. In the same breath, you don't need to wear a potato sack, either. You're a hot ass lady; you can wear many, many things without looking like you're about to hit up a singles bar in Miami Beach.

Oh well, at least we got an awesome Fake Rex Ryan post over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Reggie Bush

Reggie, I'll defend you when people say you're a bust. Hell, I'm even willing to overlook that goddamn "Bush Push" when you and Matt Leinart screwed Notre Dame out of a win back in 2005. All because you play for the Black and Gold. But I cannot abide you returning the Heisman Trophy and saying you didn't want to be a distraction to the team one day and another day say, "Now this isn't an admission of guilt." Really? Really, Reggie?!? I can maybe see where you're coming from when you first said you didn't want to be a distraction. But you really missed an opportunity to come clean and make a point about the NCAA's rules.

NFL referees

His hate is strong. If I were a Lions fan, you'd better believe I would have busted that out on some kind of internet radio postgame show. We've now at the point where some fools are starting to blame Calvin Johnson, even after admitting the rule itself needs revising (I'm looking at YOU, Bill Simmons). You know what? Megatron doesn't need to apologize for jack shit. And I heard the NFL was happy as a pig in shit when they heard about this, and they were pleased to come down in support oft the official for making the right call.

And all these goobers in the national sports media keep siting some rule about 'going to the ground' and say the officials were within their right to wave off the touchdown. Guess what, assholes? Jason Lisk over at The Big Lead cracked open the rule book, too. He found rules and bylaws RIGHT NEXT TO THE BULLSHIT RULE that says it could've been ruled a touchdown. So fuck you, the refs, the league and any Chicago Bears fan who doesn't man up and admit that they rightfully should have lost that game.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Saints 2010 Regular Season Prediction

I'm already on record with "11-5." Now's the part where I get specific on how they reach 11-5 and win the division. Reminder: I'm not doing playoff predictions. I'm only predicting that the Saints will make the postseason, like last year. What they do from there is totally lagniappe.

1. Minnesota Vikings (W 30-24) (Ed. note: That's what I said on the radio show.)

2. @San Francisco 49ers (L 23-17)

3. Atlanta Falcons (W 28-17)

4. Carolina Panthers (W 30-20)

5. @Arizona Cardinals (W 24-13)

6. @Tampa Bay Bucs (W 27-14)

7. Cleveland Browns (W 45-24)

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (W 42-9) FUCK YOU BANDWAGON STEELERS FAN!!!!

9. @Carolina Panthers (L 20-17)

10. Seattle Seahawks (W 28-14)

11. @Dallas Cowboys (L 24-20)

12. @Cincinnati Bengals (W 20-9)

13. St. Louis Rams (W 34-15)

14. @Baltimore Ravens (L 17-14)

15. @Atlanta Falcons (L 27-24)

16. Tampa Bay Bucs (W 34-10)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

NFL Predictions, Division by Division (2010)

Look, I'm not vetting this stuff like I used to, game-by-game, cross-referenced with every other schedule, to ensure that I'm getting all these numbers correct. So I'm just predicting what I think the following teams' records will be at the end of the (soon-to-be two games longer, God willing) regular season. I'll throw some notes down for some teams. And no, this is NOT the power rankings. Like years past, I will NOT do that until after week 3. I hate college preseason polls.

1. New England Patriots (11-5)
2. Miami Dolphins* (9-7)
3. New York Jets (8-8) Look, these guys went 9-7 last year and were LUCKY to even be in the postseason. And they DIDN'T win the division, either! I don't buy these guys as world beaters with Mark Sanchez at quarterback. Sorry.
4. Toronto Buffalo Bills (5-11)

1. San Diego Chargers (10-6) No Vincent Jackson? Rookie running back? Uh, no 11+ win season.
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland Raiders (5-11) I made this prediction on The Big Lead and I'll share it with you now: If the Raiders make the postseason, I will allow somebody to nail me in the head with a cookie sheet, tape it, and put it on the internet. Yes, this would be highly embarrassing and probably eliminate me from all future presidential contention. But the Raiders aren't making the playoffs, so I've got nothing to worry about.

1. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) Come on, Joe Flacco, you uni-browed bad ass! I've got you in my fantasy league!!
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) Pittsburgh is not making the postseason. Sorry, fat asshole who jumped on the bandwagon back in the 70s.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)
4. Cleveland Browns (6-10) Jon Gruden, line one...

1. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) It's Peyton Manning. Of COURSE he's going to win 12 again. And Jim Caldwell will undoubtedly do something utterly stupid during the regular season. Guy's got the Kathleen Blanco "what am I gonna do?" look on the sidelines AT ALL TIMES.
2. Houston Texas* (9-7) These guys are going to make us all right someday...Like the Washington Generals are BOUND to win one, right?
3. Tennessee Titans (8-8) Vincent Young regresses. Jeff Fisher stays in place.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)

1. Dallas Cowboys (10-6) They're not as great as everyone is making them out to be. And yet I've got them going to the playoffs. Go figure.
2. New York Giants* (10-6)
3. Washington Redskins (8-8)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)

1. San Francisco 49ers (8-8) This is just wishful thinking. I'm so rooting for a team to finish .500 and still WIN their division. This needs to happen.
2. Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
3. St. Louis Rams (5-11) I can't believe I'm saying this, but: if Sam Bradford doesn't die behind that crappy O-Line, he'll give a lot of hope to the forty-five football fans in town.
4. Arizona Cardinals (4-12) The year after Kurt Warner leaves, the wheels officially come off.

1. Green Bay Packers (12- 4)
2. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)
3. Detroit Lions (6-10) Dude in my fantasy league paid out the ass for Jahvid Best. Like 30 bucks. Crazy. Then again, I paid $21 for Beanie Wells, so I have little room to talk.
4. Chicago Bears (5-10)

1. New Orleans Saints (11-5)
2. Atlanta Falcons* (10-6) The Falcons will be decidedly friskier in 2010.
3. Carolina Panthers (7-9)
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Favre-aggedon, Part 7: INterCEPTION

Hey Vikings fans, was it a dream or reality? Did Favre really kill your season with a patented backbreaking interception and then hold the franchise hostage during the offseason? Or maybe this has been an illusion...nah, the ball falls over...IT'S REALITY.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Favre-aggedon, Part 6: You're gonna need a bigger D-Line

It's really a miracle of football evolution. All he does is retire, unretire, and make little Favres.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Favre-aggedon, Part 5: Favre-atar

For all its hype and awesome appearance, it's pretty simplistic when you really pay attention...

Seriously, unobtainium, James Cameron?!? That's the thing that's hard to get to and very rare? UNOBTAINIUM?!? GTFO, dude...

Thursday, September 2, 2010