1st ever worst Saints Draft picks Induction Ceremony

Russel Erxleben steps to the the auditorium podium

"Thanks for coming everyone. I'm sorry some of you have to stand. We tried to get a bigger ball room but no one but De La Salle High School would take my checks. Bastards."

"I'd like to thank Alex Molden for coming and I hear because of Jason David no one spit on him or punched him in his balls and yelled EDDIE FUCKING GEORGE YOU FUCKING DOUCHE."

"I'd also like to thank Vaughn Dunbar for his fantastic 3 hour seminar ,"Run to the darkness" a fascinating three hour lecture on how to fall down, not read blocks and look like an all around retard when running off tackle. Reggie Bush was taking very good notes."

Before we induct our newest member we have some quick orders of business to attend to.

"We will not be having the complimentary buffet that was promised in everyone's invitations. Johnathan Sullivan snuck into the Cafeteria last night and ate everything including the three teenage boys we hired to serve the food.

Johnathan is currently getting an IV of Crisco and nacho cheese so don't bother trying to find that worthless fat fuck and yelling at him. Only kidding Suli, we love you. We're all fuck ups here."

Sean Knight giggles in front row

Ok, everyone I'd like to introduce someone to our prestigious society. This young man managed to do something that no Saints Draft failure has ever done before. He not only showed up to the team fat, lazy, and dumb. He not only didn't play the whole year but wasn't even active for a single game yet wasn't placed on injured reserve. Why it's such a spectacularly glorious failure I'm jealous."

This failure of a draft choice has made Lonzell Hill, Brett Perriman and Wesley Carroll look like actual NFL receivers. It's almost unbelievable but true!."

Gentleman I give you our Newest Member: Robert Meachem

Meachem walks to podium and Erxleben helps him put on 1970's leisure suit jacket.

Meachem: I'd like to thank Taco Bell and Hooters for making it so easy to gain 20 pounds, I'd like to thank the Saints medical staff for missing my fucked up knee in my pre draft physical but most of all I'd like to thank you guys.

"The support you guys gave me throughout the year when I thought about actually practicing hard and getting on the field was fantastic.

"Dave Wilson called me in October and said Robert you can make history. The Saints have dozens of shitty #1 picks but they all actually played as a rookie. You have complete ineptitude in your grasp. Keep being a lazy fuck.

And I did. Thanks everybody. I've never been happier. Let's all get shit faced and go to Visions and see boobs and get lap dances"

Don't kick to him! Don't kick to him!! Ah, F*CK, they kicked to him!!!

Sean Payton said the Saints did not want to put the ball in Devin Hester's hands. How's that plan working out so far, coach? Oh yeah...IT FUCKING DIDN'T HAPPEN!! See the game recap on AOL Sports.

The injuries continued to pile up for the Black and Gold Boys on Sunday in the Windy City, as Marques Colston, Terrance Copper and Jason Craft found their way to the sidelines before things ended. They join Reggie Bush, Deuce McAllister, Mike McKenzie, Jammal Branch and Aaron Stecker on the back of the plane home as guys who need to stretch out over two seats with the ice packs.

But on the plus side, at least we know who's kicking for us next year, right? Right?

What position do the Saints target in the draft first? Linebacker or cornerback? OR does that depend on who the Saints can sign in the off-season?

Speaking of the off-season...who gets their moving papers? Devery? Eric Johnson? Jason David? Olindo?

Why am I having flashbacks to the Jim Haslett era?!? FUCK!!!

What Eli can do to gear up for the Pats

Eli, call your older brother, Peyton. Fly him, your dad (Archie) and other brother (Cooper) up to the house for a sleep over. But it's not really a sleep over. Peyton's bringing as much video as he can on the Patriots to go with whatever film you got on them, too. You, Peyton and your pops are gonna sit in the 'TV Room' -- or whatever you call it -- going over game film of the Patriots' defense. You need as much help as you can get.

What's Cooper doing there? He's there to answer the phones and pretend he's your foreign butler who can't speak a lick of English...you can't afford to be distracted at a time like this. ("Eh...Hell-Oh? Ah...dis is Mistah Mannen's hoose... Ah, he's no home roit new...") Ah, Cooper Manning, you and your clever accents. I hear he's the impressionist of the Manning family -- not a painter, but a guy who's really good at doing voices. Glad I cleared that up.

The Saints get flagpoled

Ah...fuck. That's about all that can really be said about Sunday's game, right? I should have known that things were not going to go our way from the get go. The signs were all around me; I just chose to ignore them:

1. Walking into the Superdome, I bumped into co-workers. Nothing against my co-workers (in this particular case), they're very cool people. But going back at least four years, everytime I've bumped into people from work or school at a Saints game...the end result is not pleasant.

2. I saw this guy I used to go to grade school and high school with. Total asshole back then; likely still is. He didn't notice me, though, but I sure noticed his Skeletor face. This douchebag is about two or three inches taller than me, but probably weighs AT LEAST 10 or 15 pounds less. Conclusion: He's a fuckin' beanpole and I should whopped his skinny ass outside the Dome. But no, I'm not bitter about my childhood...I digress...

3. Our section's unofficial "mascot" (a.k.a. The Psycho Who Screams the Loudest) didn't arrive in his seat next to my compadres until about mid-way through the first quarter. It just doesn't feel the same when he's not there at kickoff, screaming so loud his face turns red and veins pop out of his neck and forehead.

And 4. The fact that the Saints can surrender a massive, would-be touchdown run, only to force a fumble...but blow the chance to fall on it and allow the Eagles to recover the fumble IN THE ENDZONE...That was the big sign that things were not going to end well. Saints Notes: Brees breaks Archie's record; injuries pile up

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And here's Ralph's column about the loss, too...

Forecast: Saints consistently mediocre
By Ralph Malbrough

Say this for Sean Payton: Since the Saints 0-4 start he’s had his team playing consistently almost every week.

Drew Brees usually plays very well in spite of crucial drops by receivers, the defense doesn’t stop the pass or create decent pressure on the opposing quarterback and Payton makes a poor challenge of an officials call.

Lather, wash, rinse, and repeat.

Usually they’ve won but whenever they played a team with a decent quarterback they’ve lost (Marc Bulgar, Matt Schaub, and Donovan McNabb) Do you see the trend?

It’s been said many times, many ways…Merry…. wait I’m confused… I lost my train of thought or maybe I’ve run out of ways to describe the Saints shortcomings?

Yeah, that’s it.

The Saints probably weren’t winning yesterday with Mike McKenzie, Marcus Colston, and four quarters from Aaron Stecker but they definitely didn’t win without them.
The Saints defense couldn’t stop the Eagles on third down (8 of 13), or keep Donovan McNabb in the pocket.

They gave up five plays of 20 or more yards in the first half and if not for a McNabb fumble looked completely helpless.

It appears to be a lack of players more than a coaching issue and besides I’ve seen horrendous defensive coaching by the Saints. See Venturi, Rick. So I’m not prepared to throw Gary Gibbs under the bus.

On offense, Drew Brees was literally the last man standing. If I told you in August the Saints would need Brees to lead a second half comeback against Philadelphia to keep their playoffs alive without Deuce, Reggie Bush, Marcus Colston, and 1st Round pick Robert Meachem I suspect the reaction would have been, “Playoffs? Are you kidding?”

Again ‘Doctor Drop’ Devery Henderson did what he did most consistently this year and David Patten even followed suit by dropping a huge 4th quarter throw.

The Saints lead the league in drops and even though he had a very good year Patten has had more than his share.

The Saints lost any chance they had when Aaron Stecker was stopped on fourth down from the Eagles two yard line.

Payton’s call was the right one because field goals weren’t winning yesterday and even though the play call was a bit puzzling from the usually hyper-aggressive Payton the bottom line is the Saints needed to get in the end zone. They didn’t. Game over, playoffs chances stuffed as bad as Aaron Stecker.

So with one week to go in the Saints 2007 season we’ve clearly learned two things.

First, when coming off an appearance in the NFC Championship game don’t have an off-season so bad fans say things like, “They would have been better not doing anything.” Or “Who was their first round pick? Is he even on the team? Did they even draft players this year?”

And of course don’t start the season 0-4 and then give away wins like really nice Christmas gifts.

When the story of 2007 season is written it will say, “The Saints F- off-season and generous gift giving to Tampa and Carolina ruined a season filled with more promise than any other in Saints history.”

So join me in singing a refrain that is as familiar to Saints fans as any Christmas carol, "Just wait till next year."

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. He can be reached at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com

Sunday Pre Game to do list

Ok kids, here are some things to Look for/Do during the Saints-Eagles game if you are watching on the TV and not at the game

Kill an Angel every time the announcers mention both of Andy Reid's sons are in rehab/been arrested/ are passed out on Bourbon Street

Do a shot of Jack Daniels every 5 times Sam Rosen or Tim Ryan mention how Brian Westbrook's unselfish act last week cured breast cancer and uplifted humanity in General.

Smoke crack every 7th time Reggie Bush is shown on the sidelines.

Feed a homeless guy everytime Kevin Kolb is shown on the Eagles sideline

++Note in case of Saints blowout make sure to have plenty of non perishable food items on hand

All right kids, be safe out there and remember to root against Eli today...

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports...that Mort was wrong

Fcuk the 'Mort Report.' I'd rather listen to the 'Sport Report' on the "Colbert Report."

Hey, Mort! Eli Manning called to let you know HE'S STILL PLAYING, DICKWEED!

Of course, Kissing Suzy Kolber gives it to him good. Sometimes, you gotta just sit back and let the pros handle things.

Jeff Faine got "JACKED UP!!!!" by third string tight end? On his own team?!

Yep, it's true. And Tom Mantzouranis of AOL Sports has the video evidence.

West Virginia may have found their huckleberry, er....head football coach

According to my "Guy Who Knows a Guy," the search for WVU's next head coach is down to two guys: Clemson head coach Terry Bowden and Florida Asst. Coach John "Doc" Holliday. However, he seems to be favoring Wyatt Earp's good buddy over the young Bowden.

Holliday grew up in West Virginia and graduated from WVU as well...(wait for it)...after playing three years at linebacker. Here's an official media report on the Holliday thing from a non-ESPN source.

And just because I absolutely loved Tombstone:

Improving MLS broadcasts on ESPN

Holy shit. TWO soccer-related posts in a row? Damn right. The WVHooligan posted his Ways to improve MLS on ESPN column a couple days ago but I noticed it on AOL Sports, so a hat tip for them.

I've long been fascinated with the marketing/packaging of the game on this side of the ocean and often thought about ways to improve the game. It's a pretty good list WVHooligan put together, although I'd add puting mics along the field so the home audience can hear the ball being kicked with some authority.

As for the "two man booth" idea...put me down for a Hell-To-The-Yes vote. I suggest taking Allen Hopkins off the sideline and putting him in the booth with Julie Foudy. As for the MLS highlights show, I nominate Rob Stone to host, joined by Eric Wynalda. Like 'em or not, those two seem to have a good chemistry and could be counted on for a half hour show. Plus, it's good news for the haters out there since they'd only be in your lives for 30 minutes each week.

Needs to be said: F*ck Manchester United.

Not that any of us Man U haters out there needed another reason to dislike the franchise, but one of their younger players was arrested on rape charges at THE TEAM'S CHRISTMAS PARTY. Read more. Hat tip to AOL Sports)

Here's the sad thing: it's not the first time rape allegations have been lobbed at a soccer player.

I honestly hope this is a case of a deranged woman making up a story, but if it isn't, then this 19-year-old douchebag should be tapped to a chair in the middle of a pro-Chelsea tavern wearing his Man U kit. Those hooligans would make that scene in Reservoir Dogs look like a non-card offense.

Parcells to join Atlanta...(he checked "maybe" on Arthur Blank's note)

Yeah, cause what better way to provide stability to a beleaguered franchise than bringing in a 66-year-old former head coach who's appeared to struggle managing the game in his last couple years. Read more.

Then again, it's Bill fuckin' Parcells, people. So what if he hasn't won a playoff game since 1998? He's AT LEAST gotten teams to the playoffs, right? And after the season the Falcons have had to endure, those schmucks oughta be THRILLED to be playing for something this late in the season (see: Washington, Minnesota and New Orleans).

Assuming Parcells takes over football operations for the Falcons, it immediately makes them a buzzworthy force to be reckoned with -- provided he doesn't name himself head coach. What Parcells needs is a guy who'll answer to him and do things the way he likes, when he wants them done.

So what if it's a puppet regime? Any troublemaking Falcon players would know that Parcells, a guy who's wallet likely says "Bad Motherfucker" on it, wouldn't accept any screwing around -- whether he's head coach or not.

Another thing to consider: with the Falcons finishing the season in the toilet, fate would seem to favor them for next year. Remember: the team that's finished in last place in the NFC South has gone on to win the division the following year. Getting Parcells on board to hire the next coach and help mold the coach, players and franchise into a competitor is a step in the right direction.

For Arthur Blank's sake, I just hope Bill Parcells stays away from all the fried chicken and fries and doesn't balloon any more.

Kyle Orton--destroyer of dreams

As the rest of you I was forced to watch Lovie Smith play the first retard at QB in an NFL game.

(Nothing against tards...I love those helmet wearing, juice drinking, 45 IQ having kids...I just go fucking nuts when one is playing QB for a team I need to win)

Granted Orton looks like a lumberjack but his beard didn't help him say..complete a pass.

Nice 4th and one throw Kyle....the guy holding the 1st down marker was wide open....my bad.

While Tarvaris Jackson was crapping the bed, and looking like the bastard son of Aaron Brooks...you blew it.

I survived Katrina but I nearly decided to drink Draino out of a Martini glass last night so I wouldn't have to suffer anymore of that Dung Pile ESPN said was a Monday Night Football game.

I never thought watching a Bears game I'd long for the Sex Cannon or Brian Greise but you managed to do it....fuck you Kyle Orton.

Well, Saints fans it's time to root for 'Mixed Drink' Todd Collins of the Skins and Trent Edwards of Buffalo....

Good God counting on crappy QB's to fulfill our playoff dreams is like waiting for Britney Spears to learn to fucking read.

All these Shitty QB's are testing my will to live.