Friday, September 18, 2009

Drew cannot catch a break...

Congratulations, Drew, on being named the FedEx Air Player of the Week, as voted on by NFL fans and not some dismissive bunch of douchebag talking heads.

Way to kick ass, Drew! I mean, sheesh, when you just look at those numbers--six touchdowns, 358 passing yards, 76.5 completion percentage, 137 QB rating--it just boggles the mind. Really, I don't know of anyone else that could...

DREW: Aw, shucks, thanks. You know, I think we still have some work to do on offense. There were some passes I could have made a little better; I still threw that interception, not happy about that. But all in all, I'm really happy with how our team...

KANYE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! (Takes microphone from Drew.) Don't worry, I'm-a-gonna give you your microphone back, Drew. I jus wanna say one thing, ah-right?

DREW: Ah, sure, go ahead.

KANYE: I ain't even gonna front, but TOM BRADY is THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME! The greatest of all-time, ya heard?!?

TOM: (Mouthing words) Oh, Kanye, no...

KANYE: Hey, hey, hey! I'm-a-gonna not waste any mo' yo' time, but I ain't fronting, people! Tom Brady is AWESOME! Greatest ever an' shit!


DREW: Okay, I hear the two of you gentlemen, but this was a fan vote and I ended up winning this thing. I mean, Tom Brady's awesome, no doubt about it, and he's a sure fire Hall of Famer, but this isn't some reputation vote. It's just about who was the best this particular week...

KANYE: (Interrupting...again) Yo-yo-yo! You ain't listenin', Drew! I said GREATEST OF ALL TIME!


DREW: Christ, do you two not even understand how this shit works? Look, Tom, you got more passing yards than me this week, congrats on that by the way, but I got a better QB rating, completion percentage, more touchdown passes, fuck I even had a better Yards Per Attempt number! And let's face facts, here, since we're being all "real" and "not fronting," Kanye: the Pats were a Leodis McKelvin fumble away from all the national media asshats talking about "crisis in New England." How the fuck can you not understand how fickle the national sports media is?

COLIN: But the Saints' defense allowed 27 points! Against the Lions! You racked up six TDs against the Lions, for Christ's sake! Surely that means you're overrated!!

(Drew starts shaking his head.)

DREW: Look, numb nuts, I don't control the scheduling; I just go out there and fucking play. Yeah, we were supposed to beat the shit out of the Lions -- which we did. Nobody's racked up more than 40 points and 6 touchdowns against the Lions in five years prior to me.

COLIN: You gave up 27 points!!

DREW: The fuck does that have to do with my offense, dickhead? Let's see: the Lions D ran back a fumble for a touchdown, so really our defense actually just gave up 20 points. Our special teams sucked and put them in great field position twice, which only netted them, what, 10 points? Stafford's QB rating was shit, he threw three picks, and the Lions were horrible on third down. I mean, Christ, actually look at a fucking box score, you turd!

COLIN: (Pauses. Thinks.) Whatever. RABBLE-RABBLE-RABBLE!


DREW: Does anybody use critical thinking and empirical evidence to make objective, rational judgments anymore?

COLIN: Do I look like I give two shits about "critical thinking" or "objectivity" or anything like that?

DREW: For fuck's sake...

(Ed. note: As always, these little vignettes are inspired by the guys at KSK. Just wanted to make sure I'm covering my bases.)

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