(Ed. note: The following is a work of fiction.)
MIKE: Hi, my name is Mike Rowe and this is my job.
MIKE: I travel the world looking for disgusting, crazy, dangerous jobs. The kind of jobs that need to be done in order to make our lives a little easier. Well, we've done more than a hundred episodes and I must say that I may have found a job that truly encapsulates what it means to be a "Dirty Job." Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Stafford, your starting quarterback for THE Detroit Lions!
MATTHEW: Hey, Mike, how ya doin?
MIKE: Doing fine, Mattew, thanks.
MATTHEW: Actually, can you just call me "Matt Staff" from now on?
MIKE: Uh...okay. Why?
MATTHEW: Well, I'm trying to get into this chick's pants, and I'm using the whole "let my staff comfort you" approach. So I figure if you just keep calling me Staff it'll subconsciously get into her head.
MIKE: Yeah, smooth. (Rolls eyes.) Of course, she could just think you have Staph infection and never speak to you again.
MATTHEW: 'Preciate it. Oh, by the way, mind if we play some Faith No More? I mean, I like the intro to your show and it just reminds me a lot of Faith No More.
MIKE: Go ahead, "Matt Staff." Go nuts.
MATTHEW: Awesome! Air guitar solo for me!
MIKE: Now Matt, you seem like a pretty clean-cut guy to the folks at home looking at your picture. Tell them what it is you do that makes your job dirty.
MATTHEW: Well, I was drafted by and named the starter for the most inept, poorly run franchise in the NFL. I'm the face of that franchise, Mike. A toilet bowl, for fuck's sake. I mean, I feel terrible for the fans and all, but come on!
MIKE: Fair enough. Now walk us through a typical day. Actually, wait a second. The people at home already have an idea of football practices and watching videotape. What else do you do? Give us a behind the scenes glimpse at what Matt Staff does to prep for a game.
MATTHEW: Well for starters...I have to wake up a number of my bros who crashed at my pad overnight. That usually takes me about half an hour or so. Wanna try it, Mike?
MIKE: No thanks, I'll pass. You actually lick them?
MATTHEW: Yeah, so I do that for the seven or eight of 'em that are here...
MIKE: I'm sorry to interrupt, but you actually LICK seven or eight grown men on the face and behind the ears to wake them up?
MATTHEW: Worked for the snow leopards on Planet Earth, Mike. I thought you saw that, homes.
MIKE: Hey, I'm not judging, just learning, Matt Staff. What do you do next?
MATTHEW: Remember that broad I told you about? The one whose pants I'm trying to get into?
MATTHEW: I help her do keg lifts and keg stands. Although I do sets of keg lifts on my own. You know, to keep the legs strong.
MIKE: Now what about this is particularly dirty, Matt Staff?
MATTHEW: Mike, I like certain kinds of things in the bedroom, okay? And you need certain types of girls for that.
MIKE: Wait, are you implying that this gal here is like that?
MATTHEW: Don't know, yet, Mr. Rowe. But I'm itching to find out.
MATTHEW: Then there's the snuggling.
MIKE: I'm sorry. The snuggling?
MATTHEW: I gotta comfort some of my bros for their mid-afternoon siestas.
MIKE: Look, Matt Staff, is there anything else that makes your job particularly dangerous?
MATTHEW: Christ's sake, Mike! My NFL career is launched against the league's best offense, lead by the best quarterback in the NFL.
MIKE: How does that affect you?
MATTHEW: To have to compete with THAT? Are you high, Mike? And then there's the defense...
MIKE: Wait, I thought the Saints' defense sucked?
MATTHEW: Yeah, well their new defensive coordinator has riled those guys up. They're flying all over the damn place, slamming into people. I'm too pretty to have my face caved in by the D-Line! And their new defense was +5 in takeaways this preseason. They'll blitz, blitz, blitz, and then blitz me some more!
MIKE: Yeah, but...uh, don't you have Megatron on your team?
MATTHEW: I don't want this! Ahhhhhh! Now I need a cuddle! (Runs off screaming.)
MIKE: So that's it for me. And remember, if you have a Dirty Job you think should be on the show, drop us a line at Discovery Channel dot com, Forward slash....Ah, fuck it, I'm done.