(Int. Saints facility on Airline Highway.)
FUJITA: Aw, I am so looking forward to pounding Mark Sanchez into the field turf this weekend! Nothing could be better!
(Fujita walks into a computer room for the players and sits at a terminal.)
FUJITA: Well, let me just check my email here before hitting the weight room...(Eyes widen.) Holy shit!! Hate mail?!?!? What the fuck? Didn't we prevent the Bills from scoring an offensive touchdown? What did I do wrong?
(The Shockmeister pops his head up over the monitor. He's wearing a headset.)
J. SHOCK: What'd you expect, Brosef? "No, I'm not talking to you guys. Hang on." (J. Shock takes his headset off.) Sorry about that, Scottie 2 Hottie, I was just toggling between playing Left 4 Dead, dissecting Jennifer's Body on the message boards and watching the new trailer for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. Did you know they got that dude from Bad News Bears to play Freddy Kruger? Fucking sweet, yo!
FUJITA: Yeah, that's great, Jeremy. But what's up with all this hate mail?
J. SHOCK: Dude, you broke the fourth wall.
J. SHOCK: You mentioned the third rail.
J. SHOCK: You talked about the gheys, Bro-Hamm.
(Another Saints player, sitting at a monitor next J. Shock, sticks his head up over the wall. He is also wearing a headset.)
TOMMY: Yeah, can't do that, Scott. I'm a fucking rookie punter and even I know better than that.
FUJITA: But why not? Don't people care?
J. SHOCK: Course people care, "Dred" Scott, but the kinds a people who're gonna be emailing and commenting on this are pretty fervent on the issue.
FUJITA: How you know what "fervent" means?
J. SHOCK: Shut up.
TOMMY: Look, you gotta find a safe issue. Something that everyone can get behind.
FUJITA: I don't understand...
(Drew Brees ducks his head in.)
BREES: Take me for instance, Scott. I support foundations for the zoo and aquarium. Everybody loves animals and fish. I also do stuff for the USO, because everybody loves the soldiers.
J. SHOCK: The mighty Shockmeister goes around the world teaching the soldiers how to run the "Eiffel Tower" on a chick.
BREES: Anywho...I also take kids out fishing on a "Big Brothers" trip. And...I help build Habitat for Humanity houses.
FUJITA: Jesus, Drew! How do you manage all that?
BREES: Uh, cause I'm awesome?
(Drew walks out of the computer lab.)
FUJITA: That still doesn't help me. Of course people love charities. I'm talking about a serious human issue.
(Coach Sean Payton walks in.)
PAYTON: You wanna talk about a human rights issue? How 'bout preventing people from getting Chinese dry wall!! That is a SERIOUS violation of human health standards!
PAYTON: All right, fuck you guys, I'll be in the film room.
TOMMY: Look, Scott, the problem is...we're athletes. Glorified entertainers. People don't want us to voice an opinion on anything unless it's about next week's game.
FUJITA: Yeah, but I already endorse some used car lots with Bobby Hebert.
J. SHOCK: Different thing. Nobody gives two shits about used cars. Well, except maybe Kurt Russell.
FUJITA: But then why do politicians court celebrities and public figures for their message?
TOMMY: You want me to handle this one, Shockmeister?
J. SHOCK: Do your thing, Puntmaster Flex.
TOMMY: Cause it's all a big ole hypocritical bullshit mess. Nobody wants to hear what some "Hollywood type" says about an issue unless it's something they already agree with. Obviously, the environmental folk want somebody who drives an electric or hybrid car, and the "gay marriage" folk want somebody who's in favor of it.
J. SHOCK: Personally, I could give two fucks about it, long as they ain't touching my dong.
TOMMY: How eloquent.
FUJITA: But I mean, it's like you can't even mention gay marriage without people shitting a collective brick on message boards.
J. SHOCK: It's the price we pay to make millions and score pussy all the time, dude.
FUJITA: But this is a serious issue!
TOMMY: Sorry, Scott. Look, maybe in the future people might be a little more enlightened or understanding or whatever the heck you wanna call it, but until then, all people care about with us is whether or not we win. Hell, if we make the playoffs or something, maybe you could try and mention something again. In the meantime, I suggest you stick to product endorsements.
J. SHOCK: Yeah, dude, you should totally endorse some sunglasses or shit!
FUJITA: (Sullen.) Damn...but, what the hell could I possibly slap my name on....?
(D-list celebrity walks into the computer lab.)