"Me Jeremy Shockey!! Me come to Big Easy, crush all sorts of pussy! Add to extensive tattoo collection!! Roar!!!"
"Me ultimate tight end! Always wide open! They throw me ball, I catch ball and run over bad guys to end zone! Me do happy dance, make out with three cheerleaders to celebrate score!!!"
On Thursday...
"Greetings, Saints fans, my name's Jeremy, what's yours? I certainly hope that my old reputation as a rapscallion has not soured your opinion of my potential in this offense. I look forward to sitting down for many a fine discussion with the coach and the locker room leaders. Why, I may even take in a round of golf or visit the driving range with some of them! That sure would be swell! Hmmm, do you know of any places in this 'Warehouse District' that have yoga classes? I'm also interested in procuring a certification in the culinary arts. Now if you'll excuse me, I promised some older ladies that I would go back to sign a few autographs for them. Good day, all!"
On Friday...
SHOCKEY: "Wow, Drew, I think my first day went particularly well, don't you? Do you think Coach would let me bring a parfait machine into the dorm after hours for an evening snack for the rest of the fellas?"
DREW: "Ah, look Jeremy, you don't need to be one big ray of sunshine here. All you have to do is play the game, not be a jerk on and off the field, and hammer the occasional Habitat for Humanity house. Savvy?"
SHOCKEY: "Pray thee, sir, now what is this 'hammer' you speak of?"
DREW: "Aw, Christ..."
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