We gonna party like it's 1993!

Okay, so the Saints are 5-0 for the first time since 1993. Well, let's look back and see just what was going on in the world in 1993:

-- World population: 5.5 billion people.

--The World Wide Web is "born." Al Gore is super, super cereal this time! Somewhere, a computer nerd is jacking it to binary code.

--Wacko in Waco, Texas. Yikes.


--Andre the Giant died.

--Church of Scientology granted full tax exemption. In other news...rich, old, white men heading up powerful companies, hide their money in Switzerland or the Cayman Islands.

--The top grossing film was Jurassic Park, with over $350 million.

--Former President Bill Clinton was inaugurated. For his FIRST term.

--In the midst of the birth of the grunge musical revolution of the early 90s, Eddie Vedder is arrested in New Orleans for alleged public drunkenness following a bar room brawl.


--NAFTA approved, giving Dana Carvey added use on Saturday Night Live with his Ross Perot impression.

--The band Faster Pussycat breaks up, forever scarring the mind of one young fan: Thomas Morstead.

--Cost of a first-class stamp: 29 cents.

--World Trade Center bombing.


--Pablo Escobar gunned down in Medellin, Columbia. This would eventually lead to some of the worst episodes of "Entourage."

--MTV still showing full-length music videos, with a show like "Real World" merely on the periphery.

--13-year-old boy accuses Michael Jackson of fondling him. (Wait, I said 1993, right? ZING! ... Too soon?)

--Saints draft Willie Roaf in the first round of the '93 draft with the eighth overall pick.

--Sim City 2000 and X-Com are released on the PC, taking up nearly all of my time as a 13-year-old.

--David Letterman moved to CBS. Conan O'Brien took over Late Night.


--The show Double Dare came to an end. But where will I get my physical challenges?!? Wait...what is this show Guts about again?

If I just close my eyes and concentrate...

Yep, sorry, Eli. It's a pick.

(H/T to Deadspin for the pic. I really wish I had screen grab technology for my TV.)

Shockey v. His Old Team...

The fellas over at Kissing Suzy Kolber run a weekly "Who Ya Got?" piece featuring personalities from teams playing each other that weekend.

It's got everything: my favorite pic of The Shockmeister, presenting the fact that he boned Vida Guerra, taking a pot shot at the fucking Balloon Boy, and jokes about Giants Coach Tom Coughlin screaming all the time.

What's not to love?!?

NFL Power Rankings (Week 5)

Your gal this week: Eva Amurri (aka, Susan Sarandon's daughter). She apparently plays a college student who strips at night on "Californication." I watched part of Season One on DVD and it's a hilarious show with plenty of T&A. She reminds me of that red head on "Mad Men."



32. St. Louis Rams (0-5)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-5)
30. Oakland Raiders (1-4)
29. Tennessee Titans (0-5)
28. Buffalo Bills (1-4)
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5)
26. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
25. Washington Redskins (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)
22. Carolina Panthers (1-3)
21. Houston Texans (2-3)



20. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
19. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
18. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
17. Miami Dolphins (2-3)
16. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
15. Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
14. Chicago Bears (3-1)
13. San Francisco (3-2)
12. New York Jets (3-2)
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)



10. Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
9. New England Patriots (3-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1)
7. Denver Broncos (5-0)
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
4. Minnesota Vikings (5-0)
3. New Orleans Saints (4-0)
2. New York Giants (5-0)
1. Indianapolis Colts (5-0)

Note that I did not drop the Saints in the rankings (but I did for the Giants). The Saints have a +78 point differential (144 PF to 66 PA) in just FOUR GAMES. I'm not moving them anywhere until after next week's showdown. The Giants, meanwhile, went 44-7 on the fucking Raiders. And I STILL think you could argue that the Saints are the best team in the league, due to beating better opponents.

Saints' opp. winning pct. -- .421
Giants' opp. winning pct. -- .240
Colts' opp. winning pct. -- .333

And for what it's worth, the other two undefeated teams:

Broncos' opp. winning pct. -- .480
Vikings' opp. winning pct. -- .292

Denver. Go figure...

NFL Power Rankings (Week 4)

Did you fucking SEE what ESPN did to the Saints and Jets this week?!?! Okay, so the Saints stayed the same, the Jets actually MOVED UP a spot, and the fucking Minnesota Favres were placed ahead of the Saints. Unbelievable.

You know what'll help me calm down? Boobies.

(...)

What, no boobies?!?

(...)

(...)

Okay, fine. Know what'll help me calm down? Theme songs from 80s television shows!



32. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4)
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (0-4)
27. Detroit Lions (1-3)
26. Tennessee Titans (0-4)
25. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
24. Seattle Seahawks (1-3)
23. Washington Redskins (2-2)
22. Buffalo Bills (1-3)
21. Miami Dolphins (1-3)



20. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. Houston Texans (2-2)
17. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
15. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
14. Chicago Bears (3-1)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2)
12. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)
11. Denver Broncos (4-0)



10. San Francisco 49ers (3-1)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
8. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
7. New York Jets (3-1)
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
5. Minnesota Vikings (4-0)
4. New England Patriots (3-1)
3. New Orleans Saints (4-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (4-0)
1. New York Giants (4-0)

Honestly, you could argue that the Saints deserve the top spot since they've played better opposition. Feel free to flail away at me in the comments section.

Where do we go from here?

Well, well. Don't this beat all? For the first time since 1993, and only the third time in the modern-era, the Saints are 4-0.

Like every other Saints fan, I hoped that the additions of defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and players like Darren Sharper and Jabari Greer would be enough to swing a couple close games our way. After watching this team lose a handful of games last year by seven points or less, I thought, "maybe, just maybe, this Williams cat can at least make our defense average."

Average. Think about that for a second: average. Our defense sucked so much so in (insert years of the Jason David/Gary Gibbs-era) that we hoped to land smack in the middle. We DESIRED the MEDIAN. Neutral. Switzerland.



Uh, Darren Sharper sure as shit ain't "average" -- mother fucker's BEAST. Not "a" beast, just "BEAST." He was THE difference maker against Mark "nail biter" Sanchez.

Oh, and by the way, Marky Mark, you just made an enemy in Jonathan Vilma. Good times for you, I guess.

Here's a tip for the future, "Sanchaise" -- next time you get picked off (and don't worry, that'll be sooner rather than later), why not spend your time on the bench with the OC going over defensive looks instead of sulking and biting your finger nails and then picking your teeth? Just a suggestion, Mark. Remember: you're a male model, not a male prostitute!



But hey, back to the winners.

Last week I wrote that the Saints had arrived and that it would take something significant on the part of the Jets to make think otherwise. Instead, the Saints' defense, led by Darren Sharper's grand efforts, has taken us all on a wild ride. I don't know where or when or how the ride will end, I just know that I'm enjoying the hell out of this ride right now. And I plan on enjoying it for as long as it lasts. Maybe even a little longer than I ought to.

Coach Payton says...

From the files of Twitter: Get dressed. We are going out to eat.

From Twitter:

Rookie night at Morton's.....May God take care of my wallet!
4:24 PM Oct 1st from web

(EXT. Morton's Steakhouse - NIGHT)

(The well dressed Chip Vaughn is standing outside a fine dining establishment. He checks his watch.)


CHIP: Man, I hope they aren't late. I had to slip the guy a fifty just get a solid 8 o'clock reservation. These rapscallions better get here on time.

(Cornerback Malcolm Jenkins pulls up in a BMW and tosses his keys to the parking lot attendant.)


JENKINS: Now, when I come out later, I want you to hang on to those keys and wait for me to swat 'em out your hands and claim 'em for myself, got it?

VALET: Yes, sir, Mr. Jenkins.

CHIP: Hey, Malcolm! Great you could make it out tonight!

JENKINS: No problem.

(Silence.)

CHIP: Soooooo...how's it going?

JENKINS: Okay.

(Crickets.)

CHIP: Uh...how 'bout this weather?

JENKINS: Yep. Humid.

(Tumbleweeds blow by.)

CHIP: You, uh, talk to anyone else before rolling out here?

JENKINS: Can't say that I have cause I haven't.

CHIP: Oh. Well...you want to go inside and wait then?

JENKINS: Fine.

(The two men walk inside. Minutes later, they are joined by Jonathan Casillas and Chase Daniel, who sit and wait with them for the final member of their party to arrive.)


JONNY: You told him 8 p.m., right?

CHIP: Absolutely. He knew that.

CHASE: You think he got lost, Malcolm?

JENKINS: ...Nope.

CHASE: Okay. You think I should try calling his cell?

JENKINS: ...Nope.

CHASE: Why not?

(Jenkins points to the front of the restaurant.)

JENKINS: He's here.

(The men at the table turn and look...)


TOMMY: Hey guys!!

JONNY: You gotta be shittin' me...

(Chase Daniel buries his head in his hands. Malcolm Jenkins stares into space -- he remains a vacuum. Chip gets up and greets him.)

CHIP: Yeah, uh, good to see you Thomas.

TOMMY: Thanks for inviting me out, Chip! Say, where's y'all's costumes?

CHIP: Dude, when I said "dress up" I didn't mean to go as one of the Thundercats.

TOMMY: Oh.

CHIP: You got a change of clothes or anything?

TOMMY: Sorry, Chip, I thought this was, like, some preemptive Halloween party.

(Chip hangs his head.)

TOMMY: Well, look on the bright side: at least I didn't dress as a Furry, am-I-right?

CHIP: Christ...

(Minutes later, the guys have all placed their orders and are waiting for their steaks.)

CHASE: Man, I can't wait to sink my teeth into that steak! I'm so friggin' excited!

CHIP: I don't wish to sound rude or anything, Chase, but are you just trying to run up the bill for me?

CHASE: Hells no, Chip, why?

CHIP: Well, uh...you see...

(Jonny interrupts.)

JONNY: Cause you ordered a $67 steak, white bread!

CHASE: Yeah, but I got reasons for that.

JONNY: You don't see Malcolm ordering that much off the menu.

CHASE: (whispering to Jonny and Chip) Guys, he's only been eating sugar packets.

JENKINS: Good for alertness.

CHASE: Dude, how many calories are you operating on?

JENKINS: Don't know. Starved mind's a football-crazed mind.

CHASE: Oooooookay....

JONNY: You still never answered my question. Why you eating so damn much?


CHASE: Have you SEEN the SIZE of my HEAD? It's like a fucking asteroid is resting on my neck, Jonny! I gotta feed it every chance I get!

JONNY: Sheesh, take it easy, Chase, no need to get worked up about it...

CHASE: Worked up?!? My head's got its own orbital system for fuck's sake!!!! There's "Low Earth Orbit" then there's "Chase Daniel Orbit!"

JENKINS: ...

CHIP: Shit, I hope you boys don't...Oh shit...

(Tommy comes up to the table with a friend.)

TOMMY: Uh, can she stay and eat with us?



CHIP: God damn, man...


(Ed. note: Again, this is a reminder that these vignettes are inspired by the work being done at Kissing Suzy Kolber.)

What to endorse...?

(Int. Saints facility on Airline Highway.)


FUJITA: Aw, I am so looking forward to pounding Mark Sanchez into the field turf this weekend! Nothing could be better!

(Fujita walks into a computer room for the players and sits at a terminal.)

FUJITA: Well, let me just check my email here before hitting the weight room...(Eyes widen.) Holy shit!! Hate mail?!?!? What the fuck? Didn't we prevent the Bills from scoring an offensive touchdown? What did I do wrong?

(The Shockmeister pops his head up over the monitor. He's wearing a headset.)


J. SHOCK: What'd you expect, Brosef? "No, I'm not talking to you guys. Hang on." (J. Shock takes his headset off.) Sorry about that, Scottie 2 Hottie, I was just toggling between playing Left 4 Dead, dissecting Jennifer's Body on the message boards and watching the new trailer for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. Did you know they got that dude from Bad News Bears to play Freddy Kruger? Fucking sweet, yo!

FUJITA: Yeah, that's great, Jeremy. But what's up with all this hate mail?

J. SHOCK: Dude, you broke the fourth wall.

FUJITA: Huh?

J. SHOCK: You mentioned the third rail.

FUJITA: What?

J. SHOCK: You talked about the gheys, Bro-Hamm.

FUJITA: Oh.

(Another Saints player, sitting at a monitor next J. Shock, sticks his head up over the wall. He is also wearing a headset.)


TOMMY: Yeah, can't do that, Scott. I'm a fucking rookie punter and even I know better than that.

FUJITA: But why not? Don't people care?

J. SHOCK: Course people care, "Dred" Scott, but the kinds a people who're gonna be emailing and commenting on this are pretty fervent on the issue.

FUJITA: How you know what "fervent" means?

J. SHOCK: Shut up.

TOMMY: Look, you gotta find a safe issue. Something that everyone can get behind.

FUJITA: I don't understand...

(Drew Brees ducks his head in.)


BREES: Take me for instance, Scott. I support foundations for the zoo and aquarium. Everybody loves animals and fish. I also do stuff for the USO, because everybody loves the soldiers.

J. SHOCK: The mighty Shockmeister goes around the world teaching the soldiers how to run the "Eiffel Tower" on a chick.

BREES: Anywho...I also take kids out fishing on a "Big Brothers" trip. And...I help build Habitat for Humanity houses.

FUJITA: Jesus, Drew! How do you manage all that?

BREES: Uh, cause I'm awesome?

(Drew walks out of the computer lab.)

FUJITA: That still doesn't help me. Of course people love charities. I'm talking about a serious human issue.

(Coach Sean Payton walks in.)


PAYTON: You wanna talk about a human rights issue? How 'bout preventing people from getting Chinese dry wall!! That is a SERIOUS violation of human health standards!

(Crickets chirping.)

PAYTON: All right, fuck you guys, I'll be in the film room.

(Payton leaves.)

TOMMY: Look, Scott, the problem is...we're athletes. Glorified entertainers. People don't want us to voice an opinion on anything unless it's about next week's game.

FUJITA: Yeah, but I already endorse some used car lots with Bobby Hebert.

J. SHOCK: Different thing. Nobody gives two shits about used cars. Well, except maybe Kurt Russell.

FUJITA: But then why do politicians court celebrities and public figures for their message?

TOMMY: You want me to handle this one, Shockmeister?

J. SHOCK: Do your thing, Puntmaster Flex.

TOMMY: Cause it's all a big ole hypocritical bullshit mess. Nobody wants to hear what some "Hollywood type" says about an issue unless it's something they already agree with. Obviously, the environmental folk want somebody who drives an electric or hybrid car, and the "gay marriage" folk want somebody who's in favor of it.

J. SHOCK: Personally, I could give two fucks about it, long as they ain't touching my dong.

TOMMY: How eloquent.

FUJITA: But I mean, it's like you can't even mention gay marriage without people shitting a collective brick on message boards.

J. SHOCK: It's the price we pay to make millions and score pussy all the time, dude.

FUJITA: But this is a serious issue!

TOMMY: Sorry, Scott. Look, maybe in the future people might be a little more enlightened or understanding or whatever the heck you wanna call it, but until then, all people care about with us is whether or not we win. Hell, if we make the playoffs or something, maybe you could try and mention something again. In the meantime, I suggest you stick to product endorsements.

J. SHOCK: Yeah, dude, you should totally endorse some sunglasses or shit!

FUJITA: (Sullen.) Damn...but, what the hell could I possibly slap my name on....?

(D-list celebrity walks into the computer lab.)


ERIK: "ES-TRA-DA."

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 6)

Drew Brees' right arm was used as a prop cannon during the filming of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" trilogy, but during one take Brees accidentally hit Orlando Bloom with a "live round." Bloom hasn't made a decent movie since...

(Special thanks to my friend Lee for that one.)

NFL Power Rankings (Week 3)

I decided to wait until AFTER week three to do these power rankings. I'm one of (checks joke book) like, fucking, ZERO people who thinks that the NCAA and the NFL writers should wait until three or four weeks into the season before they publish power rankings. This sort of rule would have the most useful, long-term impact on the NCAA.

So here's how I rank this: I try to rank teams in terms of "who could beat the teams below them, but likely could not beat the teams above them."

Oh yeah, this is also an opportunity for me to post pictures of hot chicks again. Hooray, beer!



(above: Kira Eggers)

32. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
31. St. Louis Rams (0-3)
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3)
28. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
27. Washington Redskins (1-2)
26. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
25. Detroit Lions (1-2)
24. Miami Dolphins (0-3)
23. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
21. Tennessee Titans (0-3)



(above: Pamela Diaz)

20. Buffalo Bills (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
18. Chicago Bears (2-1)
17. Houston Texans (1-2)
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)
15. Denver Broncos (3-0)
14. San Diego Chargers (2-1)
13. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
12. San Francisco 49ers (2-1)
11. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)



(above: Kelly Brook)

10. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
9. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
8. Minnesota Vikings (3-0)
7. New England Patriots (2-1)
6. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-0)
4. New Orleans Saints (3-0)
3. New York Jets (3-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (3-0)
1. New York Giants (3-0)

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 5)

As a joke, Marques Colston once asked Drew Brees, "Hey, is there anything you CAN'T do?" Drew stared off and said, "Yeah, I can't not be awesome at all times." Colston was amazed.