Getting to 10-6....Game by game

So now that I've gone on record with my preseason prediction of "10-6" I have to explain just how the Saints will get there.  Well, I've already been proven wrong on my forecasting, and we're only one week into the season.



Week 1 - Washington Redskins, W
Week 2 - @Carolina Panthers, L
Week 3 - Kansas City Chiefs, W
Week 4 - @Green Bay Packers, L
Week 5 - BYE
Week 6 - San Diego Chargers, W
Week 7 - @Tampa Bay Buccaneers, L
Week 8 - @Denver Broncos, L
Week 9 - Philadelphia Eagles, W
Week 10 - Atlanta Falcons, W
Week 11 - @Oakland Raiders, W
Week 12 - San Francisco 49ers, W
Week 13 - @Atlanta Falcons, L
Week 14 - @New York Giants, W
Week 15 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers, L
Week 16 - @Dallas Cowboys, W
Week 17 - Carolina Panthers, W

Notes:

-Yes, I've got the Bucs sweeping us this season.  Hey, I predicted them to go 10-6 this season and WIN the NFC South, so I'm at least staying consistent.

-I've got the team going 3-5 on the road and 7-1 at home.  Dome Field Advantage, folks.

-I had the team being consistently inconsistent while Interim Interim Head Coach Aaron Kromer is in charge.

-Based on last year's season opener, I'm keeping with the Packers winning that game.

-With all my fucking heart, I don't see the Saints losing to the Niners in the Dome.  No fucking way.

-I think the short turnaround between Niners game and the Thursday night game on the road against the Falcons will prove too much.

-And I think the Saints grab two must-win games to finish the season to clinch a wildcard spot in the postseason.

-And here's a final season line for Drew Brees: 66% completion rate, over 4,700 passing yards, 40 TDs and 19 INTs.

2012-13 NFL Season Predictions

All the preseason games have been played.  The seemingly never-ending wave of player cuts have finally ended, and the scraps have been picked off the heap.  Al Michaels has perfected his "Out with a ..." voice.  Bob Costas has saddled his high horse and is ready to ride again.  Frank Caliendo is...well, Frank's doing something with his life now.  Not sure what that is.  Wang has sharpened his homer tendencies to a fine point.  Gregg Williams is banging Thai hookers and competing in underground fight competitions abroad.  I'm still working on my British accent and fighting to make myself believe 'The Dark Knight Rises' wasn't as disappointing as I thought.

So, here's some preseason predictions sure to blow up in my face.  And let's throw in some of the greatest hits of the 80s.  You know, for the shit of it.  (Aside: Why aren't there exclusive 80s stations on terrestrial radio?  Jesus Christ, you'd make a fucking mint off that shit.  There was enough versatility in the 80s.  Quality versatility, at that.)

AFC South

1. Houston Texans (10-6) *

2. Tennessee Titans (8-8)

3. Indianapolis Colts (6-10)

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12)

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5) * 

2. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) *

3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)

4. Cleveland Browns (6-10)

AFC West

1. Denver Broncos (10-6) *

2. San Diego Chargers (10-6) *

3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

4. Oakland Raiders (6-10)

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (12-4) *

2. Buffalo Bills (9-7)

3. New York Jets (6-10)

4. Miami Dolphins (5-11) 

NFC East

1. New York Giants (10-6) *

2. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)

3. Philadelphia Eagles (6-10)

4. Washington Redskins (5-11)

NFC West

1. San Francisco 49ers (11-5) *

2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)

3. Arizona Cardinals (6-10)

4. St. Louis Rams (4-12)

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers (12-4) *

2. Chicago Bears (10-6) *

3. Detroit Lions (7-9)

4. Minnesota Vikings (5-11)

NFC South

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6) *

2. New Orleans Saints (10-6) *

3. Atlanta Falcons (8-8)

4. Carolina Panthers (7-9)



AFC Playoffs, Round 1
HOUSTON d. San Diego
DENVER d. Baltimore

AFC Playoffs, Round 2
Houston d. PITTSBURGH
NEW ENGLAND d. Denver

AFC Championship
NEW ENGLAND d. Houston



NFC Playoffs, Round 1
Chicago d. TAMPA BAY
NEW YORK d. New Orleans

NFC Playoffs, Round 2
GREEN BAY d. New York
SAN FRAN d. Chicago

NFC Championship
GREEN BAY d. San Francisco



Super Bowl XLVII
Green Bay v. New England

Ah, but just HOW will the Saints arrive at that record?  That post is coming later this week.

Just a reminder folks...

that this guy was NOT named Most Valuable Player last season:

"3. Drew Brees
How often does a team change its offensive style in midstream without missing a beat? The Patriots did it when their tight ends replaced Randy Moss and took some of the load off Wes Welker, but what the Saints did last year was even more impressive. After years of running their offense through Marques Colston and a bevy of inconsistent deep receivers, they shifted courses and built it around a castoff running back (Darren Sproles) and a tight end with limited football experience (Graham). Brees used the transitional year to set NFL records for completions, completion percentage, and passing yardage, throwing in a league-leading 46 touchdown passes and 3.5 percent sack rate for good measure. Remember that he also went 40-of-63 for 462 yards with four touchdowns in the playoffs against the mighty 49ers pass defense in San Francisco, the same one that held Eli Manning to 316 yards on 58 attempts and seven third-down conversions amid 21 chances. It's not his fault that the defense allowed 36 points and a career game from Alex Smith." - Bill Barnwell, Grantland.com

If anybody needs me, I'll be outside playing in traffic.

#PaytonPropaganda

Grandmaster Wang issued a call today regarding the ever watchful eye of Coach Payton.  To quote Bill the Butcher: "Challenge accepted."

Driving Mr. King

This came in my inbox today, courtesy of Ralph:


Dave, you or somebody at CSC needs to contact peter king at si.peterking@gmail.com IMMEDIATELY  and volunteer to drive him around NOLA on Friday. He's looking for a college student. If I was in town I'd make up a fake resume and send it. Get Travis or hell take a personal day friday and DO THIS yourself. Good pub for CSC for sure and PETER KING STORIES!

Peter why do you love coffee so much?
Do you want to murder Drew Magary?

Oh the questions!


Yeah, I know I'm 600 miles away and not really capable of being the chauffeur Mr. King wants.  But I'm the chauffeur Mr. King needs.  (#seewhatididthere)


With that in my mind, I fired off a list of questions for Dave or Win Ellington to ask Mr. King as they're driving him to and from the local Starbuck (plural of Starbucks) and GO TO MORNING CALL AND TELL THE WORLD HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!


Here are the questions:


Peter, do you think high speed rail will save the American economy?

On the subject, have you ever traveled on the Orient Express?

You three favorite dog breeds.  GO!

Mr. King, would you like to see this video of my son turning over on his own? (Note: Only works if Dave's asking.)

Mr. King, can I interest you in a monogrammed Tulane letterman jacket?  (Again, also only works if Dave's asking.)

Mr. King, don't you think it'd be criminal if Tulane can't get an uptown stadium built for the football team?  (See above)

Peter, why do you write your pieces like Norm MacDonald's Larry King impression crossed with a 24-year-old GED applicant?

Drew Brees: manliest man who ever manned, OR just a super awesome quarterback who STILL can't get a fair shake.  Which is it?

Which French Quarter titty bar do you prefer?

Have you ever checked out of a hotel because they didn't offer a coffee maker in the room?  Or if the available coffee wasn't up to your standards?

What do you know about Craig James killing those five hookers in Texas back in the day?

Monday Night Raw just hit a thousand episodes.  When SNF reaches a thousand episodes, will they wheel out Bob Costas' head to give condescending essays at halftime about how nanotechnology isn't all THAT good?

Best town that represents small town America: O'Fallon, Missouri; Alton, Illinois; Danville, Kentucky; Sante Fe, New Mexico; or Metairie, LA?

After leaving New Orleans, how long will you be staying in Kiln, Mississippi?

Is Brett a good cook?  Follow-up query: does he surprise you with breakfast in bed?

Will your piece on the Saints include the phrase, "Swagger. New Orleans has it"?  If not, GTFO of my car.  I don't care if we're on the I-10 or not.  GTFO.

Drew Brees is the one who knocks...

Photoshop breakdown:

I took a color headshot of Drew Brees and laid it over this Breaking Bad promotional picture of Walter White.  I blended the 2 pictures together.  Walter's glasses, goatee, ears and some of his "hate lines" are still present.  Drew's eyes, nose, hair, mouth and cheek structure is substituted in.

Obviously, the two images didn't line up perfectly, so I had to stretch Drew's face a bit to make it work.

I've done three versions of this and I think this is the best I'm getting.  The first looked too much like Walter White.  The second almost looked like I drew lines around Brees' face to represent the glasses and the goatee.

I look forward to seeing somebody use this as inspiration for meshing Saints players with the cast of 'The Wire' or something.

Favorite Pearl Jam lyrics

After getting "Adarn'd" the other week regarding the suspensions, I realized I needed to take a step back and get away from thinking/talking/writing/Photoshopping Saints related material.  So again we're tapping the well of "Kevin is a huge nerd with opinions on the most random shit."


Last time out, I wrote about my 32 favorite comic book movies.  This time out, I thought I'd go music instead of movies.  And instead of listing my favorite bands or albums, I thought I'd up the degree of difficulty for myself and get really specific: favorite Pearl Jam lyrics.


"Oh, but Pearl Jam SUCKS, Kevin!" you may be thinking.  To which I would casually respond, "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!!!"  Or something like that.  I love Pearl Jam.  There.  I said it.


"Oh, but Pearl Jam hasn't had a good album since 'Versus', man!"  Uh-huh.  I suppose you also think the E! Channel and Hot Topic are the great purveyors of modern culture.  Where's that "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" meme when I need one?


I tried to pare down some of the lyrics so I wasn't posting entire stanzas of work.  Cause that'd be kinda chickenshit, wouldn't it?  Oh yeah, here's my favorite lyrics, but I'm copping out and using whole paragraphs.  BS.  If I'm posting more than a couple lines, it's because all the lines tie in together via a rhyme or some theme that I feel has to be repeated in order for you, dear reader, to fully grasp its awesomeness.


And by the way, I'm not going to Matt Pinfield this thing up by breaking down just what I think each and every lyric means.  That's like listening to a self-righteous art critic tell you about every painting in the museum and then explaining what (he/she THINKS) the meaning is for every work.


You're getting the lyric, song and album, and maybe if you're really good I'll toss in a YouTube video or five.




RELEASE (Ten)
"Oh, dear Dad
Can you see me now?
I am myself
Like you, somehow"









WISHLIST (Yield)
"I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down."









BLACK (Ten)

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why

Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine"

WASH (Lost Dogs collection)
"Oh please let it rain today.
This city is so filthy, like my mind in ways."









NOT FOR YOU (Vitalogy)
"All that's sacred, comes from youth
Dedication, naive and true."









CORDUROY (Vitalogy)
"Everything has changed, absolutely nothing has changed
Take my hand, not picture, spill my tincture."









I AM MINE (Riot Act)
"I know I was born and I know that I'll die
The in between is mine
I am mine."









BETTER MAN (Vitalogy)
"She dreams in color, she dreams in red."







ELDERLY WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A SMALL TOWN (Vs.)
"I changed by not changing at all."









LIFE WASTED (Pearl Jam [the avocado album])
"I escaped it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again."









WHO YOU ARE (No Code)
"Stop light, plays its part
So I would say you've got a part
What's your part? Who you are"








HAIL HAIL (No Code)
"Are you woman enough to be my man?
Bandaged hand in hand"









DO THE EVOLUTION (Yield)
"I'm at peace with my lust
I can kill cause In God I Trust
It's evolution, baby."









PUSH ME, PULL ME (Yield)
"I'm like an opening band for the sun."









I could probably keep going and post 40 more of these, but I'm tired.  And it's Sunday.  So there.

A teammate's last second plea to Drew Brees...

SCENE: Cafe Du Monde - DAY

(Dozens of people are seated in the Cafe, stuffing their faces with inferior beignets and coffee.  Those that aren't are staring toward a back corner, where Drew Brees is talking with his agent.)

BREES: I feel weird being out in public like this.  I mean, we're a week away from the deadline.

AGENT: Yeah...

BREES: It's like they're undressing me with their eyes or something.

AGENT: Uh-huh, dreadful thing, that.

BREES: Arliss, are you even paying attention to me???

ARLISS: Why sure, my good boy!  I was just admiring a spider that was crawling along the floor over there.  To have THAT many legs is a sure sign of evolutionary superiority!

BREES: Uh, yeah, whatever.  Why do we have to be out here?

ARLISS: My boy, have you not forgotten or potential Jimmy John's deal?  If we play our cards right and can make ourselves visible in the French Quarter, we'll get a sandwich kiosk near Jackson Square.  Ha!  We'll even hire a temperamental fat bearded guy who looks like that schlub from that book everyone around here adores!!!

BREES: You mean 'Confederacy of Dunces'?

ARLISS (slams fist on table): Exactly!  It'll be a hoot!!  These saps will eat that right up, on top of our delicious Jimmy John's sandwiches, of course.  We run the kiosk for a few months, then we goto the city council again and talk about getting a permanent location in the French Quarter!!

BREES: I wish we'd gone to Morning Call, honestly.  And...Shouldn't we at least wait to talk expansion until after our first Jimmy John's opens and is proven successful?  Seems kinda ridiculous to start making future plans when we haven't done anything yet.

ARLISS: Nonsense, my boy!  We must strike whilst the iron is hot!  That's your problem, Drew.  Always waiting to attend to your deals.

BREES: What do you mean?

ARLISS: We could've had this Saints contract business taken care of last year, but no, you didn't want to be aggressive enough in getting one done.  I could've kept pushing them during the season, but you were all, "let's not cause a distraction."  And you thought, "surely, they'll have to give me a great deal!  I won a Super Bowl here and just broke one of the few NFL records people actually give a damn about, so they'll HAVE to reward me."  How's that working out for you?

BREES: Isn't this what I hired you for?

ARLISS: Of course!  And you also hired me to protect the Brees Brand!

BREES: My "brand"?

ARLISS: Absolutely.  I'm going to single-handedly take care of all your needs with this contract.  That's why it's taking so long.

BREES: Yeah, but do we really have to take this to the 11th hour?  The arbitrator ruled in my favor, so we should just get a deal done.  The fans need some really good news to offset everything this offseason...

(Arliss reaches under the table and pulls out a plush.)

ARLISS: Do you see this grave injustice!

BREES: It's a stuffed toy of me.

ARLISS: You?  That's supposed to be you???  How do you expect to be taken seriously and respected when these toy makers can't even get a good likeness of you???

BREES: It's really not that back of a deal, Arliss.  I just want to play football.

ARLISS: See, this is what I'm talking about.  I had to pull you into the sandwich business and now I'm going to have to pull you into the personal branding business.  This is where the big bucks are!

BREES: What's this got to do with my football contract?

ARLISS: We get these toys to actually look like you.  Listen, I know a guy who used to make the old WWF Wrestling Buddies...

BREES: At least they got the birthmark right, Arliss.

ARLISS: Bah!

BREES: And why are we asking for so much money on this contract?  Isn't $100 million over 4 years a little much?

ARLISS: Nonsense.  Do you think my wheelchair will grow mechanical legs on its own?  No, those cost a lot of money.

(A football crashes on the table, sending the coffee and poorly made beignets up into the air and on the floor.)

ARLISS: What the what???

MORSTEAD: Enough!

(Morstead walks over to the table and sets down between Arliss and Brees.)

ARLISS: What is the meaning of this?!?

MORSTEAD: Oh, you hush, you.  Drew, you gotta get this contract thing taken care of!  I came all the way back from vacation home in Kathmandu to plead with you!

BREES: We're working on that, Thomas.  There's a lot of negotiating that has to be handled, certain qualifiers have to be met...

MORSTEAD: Fiddlesticks, Drew!  Fiddlesticks, I say!!  Don't you love it here???  Aren't the fans good to you?

BREES: Well, yeah...

MORSTEAD: And won't they elect you mayor someday down the road?

BREES: Well, sure, but...

MORSTEAD: So sign the deal and stay with us.

ARLISS: Do you have ANY idea what this man is worth on the open market, punter boy?

BREES: Open market?

ARLISS: Sure!  If the Saints don't acquiesce to ALL our demands, you'll sit out for the year and we'll find you another team.


BREES: But I don't want to play for another team.


ARLISS: The Dallas Cowboys would pay you a lot of money...


(Morstead digs into his pocket and pulls out a roll of hundred dollar bills.)


MORSTEAD: Here.


BREES: What's this?


MORSTEAD: My cats got together and raised some cash for you to show how much they care.


BREES: Wait.  Your "cats" got the money?  Or did your CATS get the money?


MORSTEAD: My cats, Drew.  Duh.


BREES: Oooookay.

ARLISS: Drew, send this man away!  We need to draft a statement explaining why you're sitting out for the year...


BREES: No!  Fuck the Dallas Cowboys, fuck Jerry Jones, and fuck you, Mr. Arliss!  I'll get this deal done myself!


(Morstead shoves Arliss' wheelchair into the path of an oncoming horse-drawn carriage.)


MORSTEAD: Way to go, Drew!  C'mon, I'll take you to Morning Call.


BREES: Huzzah!

LATER.... MORSTEAD's APARTMENT - NIGHT

MORSTEAD: Well, that was a close one.  Mr. Drew got on the phone with Mr. Benson and they hashed out a nice contract.

Aren't you glad daddy was able to help, Mew Brees?

MEW: Meow.

Roger Goodell sleeps well at night

It's okay, Shield...Roger Goodell will protect you

"Hush now baby, baby dont you cry.
Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.
Mama wont let anyone dirty get through.
Mama's gonna wait up until you get in.
Mama will always find out where you've been.
Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.
Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby,
You'll always be baby to me."
I'm on a classic rock vibe at the moment. Deal with it.

Rita's got a brand new job...

Kudos to the seven people who get this joke.

Your Top 32 Comic Book / Super Hero Movies

It's been far too long since I last posted anything here. It's the off-season and I'm LAZY busy.

Funny thing happened when I was recording the latest edition of Da Chronic Podcast with Ralph and Dave. Right as we were about to wrap up, we got to talking about super hero movies and Ralph asked for my take on The Avengers. When I was done sharing my opinion, Dave joked that I should do a post on ranking comic book movies. When Ralph "teased" that I would maybe have a post on this here fine site, Dave--without missing a beat--fired off a quick "or not." Well played, sir. A hearty +1 to you for your zinger.

But sometimes we need our friends to provide a swift kick to the ass or challenge or manhood or some such shit in order to motivate us to STOP MASTURBATING get off the couch and get to work.

I originally conceived of making a quick "Top 10" list and really breaking down everything about those movies, but honestly, you could probably guess what's going to be in there (HINT: The Avengers is up there; Howard the Duck, not so much.) Wouldn't you like to know where this guy places some movies that wouldn't belong on a Top 10 list? And then it hit me: rank your Top 32 like you would NFL teams in a given week during the regular season.

I'm a fucking genius.

So what follows are 32 super hero/comic book/graphic novel movies, ranked 32nd to 1st, with my thoughts on opinions on each, including why the movie works and what doesn't work. And please note: I like all of these movies and have re-watched them. I'm not ranking 32 to say "this movie sucks." I just don't like it as much as 31, 30, 29, 28, and so on.

32. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

LIKED: First movie took itself too seriously; this one didn't. Characters felt far more fun and thus more relatable. Ron Pearlman FTW.

DIDN'T LIKE: An indestructible army? How ever will be beat these...oh wait, there's the answer. Also, the movie was left a little too open-ended.

31. Constantine

LIKED: Djimon Hounsou, folks. And dare I say it, but Shia LeBeouf is really good when not asked to carry a film on his own. And I think the movie captured a nice Heaven v. Hell concept and ran with it.

DIDN'T LIKE: My friend Lee calls this "the most bland movie ever made." With the exception of the things I just mentioned, he's not that far off.

30. 300

LIKED: Violence? Check. Titties? Check. Slow-motion violence? Double check. Slow-motion titties? Uh...check. And the guy from Lord of the Rings narrating the movie was pretty sweet.

DIDN'T LIKE: We get it: there's A LOT of them, and so few of YOU. Okay. I got that part.

29. Conan: The Destroyer

LIKED: Conan's fight against the red cape wearing monster was pretty sweet. The score was cool. And the fights on the whole were nice. Grace Jones. Also...nice looking young gal to play the virgin.

DIDN'T LIKE: Just cause she's nice looking doesn't mean she can act. Wilt Chamberlain.

28. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie

LIKED: Elias Koteas, FTW. "You're a claustrophobic."

DIDN'T LIKE: Everything involving the red-headed teen "Danny."

27. The Crow

LIKED: Great music. Great story. Ernie Hudson! Brandon Lee laying the groundwork for Sting's good guy run in WCW in the late 90s.

DIDN'T LIKE: 13-year-old me thought this movie was amazing. In other news: 13-year-old me probably needed to be more objective and get more friends.

26. Watchmen

LIKED: Nailed the casting for Dr. Manhattan, Rorshach, Nite Owl and Comedian. Sweet violence. Titties. Opening title sequence with the Bob Dylan song was awesome.

DIDN'T LIKE: Movie felt disjointed on the whole. The Silk Spectre II character could've been better cast. Ozymandias character should've been played by Tom Cruise. I will go to my grave believing that.

25. Kick-Ass

LIKED: Smoking hot chick cast as the damsel in distress. Nic Cage actually likable/enjoyable in a role. Hit Girl an amusing character. "McLovin" gets to be a bad guy.

DIDN'T LIKE: Movie took itself a little too seriously.

24. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

LIKED: If you're not a fan of Batman: The Animated Series, I don't think we can be friends.

DIDN'T LIKE: Wait, so Joker dies? Or not? I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!

23. Darkman

LIKED: Compelling hero, quality acting, great one-liners. Amazing final scene. Good score. Excellent closing lines.

DIDN'T LIKE: A lot of filler material stretched throughout the movie.

22. V For Vendetta

LIKED: Good music/score. Great acting.

DIDN'T LIKE: Reliant on slow-motion and bullet-time special effects.

21. Robocop

LIKED: Doing blow off a hooker's titties. ED-209. Murphy's "death." Knowing that Clarence Boddiker becomes the dad from "That 70s Show." Guy getting shot in the nuts - literally.

DIDN'T LIKE: Not much to hate. Why the fuck isn't this movie higher on my list?

20. Blade

LIKED: Wesley Snipes makes the whole damn thing work. Compelling story. Good one-liners. Donal Logue, folks.

DIDN'T LIKE: Some weak special effects in places. The lead actress is "meh."

19. Road to Perdition

LIKED: The film was based on a graphic novel, hence its inclusion on this here list. Tom Hanks as a "bad guy", Tom Hanks crying as he guns down Paul Newman, Tom Hanks' mustache, great father-son dynamic, great last lines, excellent cinematography. The whole "I would like to apologize" scene.

DIDN'T LIKE: Again, this is a super hero and comic book list, and this movie barely qualifies as the latter. As a movie, this a great film and I'd recommend it to everyone. But I can't in good conscience put a gangland flick like this too high on my list. Sorry, Tom Hanks.

18. Batman Begins

LIKED: Michael Caine. Morgan Freeman. Christian Bale, a guy who pulls off being BOTH Batman and Bruce Wayne better than anyone. Unique take on Ras al Ghul.

DIDN'T LIKE: Christopher Nolan sucks when filming an action scene, especially a fight scene. Look back to all the fight scenes in this movie. Can you get a clear picture in your head as to what was going on? Also, the Jamaican guy walking up to the Batmobile at the end...WTF? Same goes for the bum with the "nice coat." Too many villains, perhaps? Katie Holmes' acting. Batman's all too gravely voice. Score was average.

17. Captain America

LIKED: Good actor in the lead role. The entire first hour. Hayley Atwell....HAWT. The Captain America outfit (bonus points for the helmet).

DIDN'T LIKE: Didn't like the montage scene where Cap is plowing through Nazi bases. I wanted to see more Captain America-ing, damn it!

16. Batman

LIKED: Michael Keaton got to be an action hero. The closing sequence. Great score. Jack Nicholson as the Joker. Everyone's reactions to the character of Alexander Knox. Very violent for a PG-13 movie marketed to kids.

DIDN'T LIKE: Tim Burton had some swings and misses in this one, and too eager to use Prince music for everything. The actual character of Alexander Knox.

15. X-Men: First Class

LIKED: Dug the James Bond vibe. The character of Beast was awesome. McAvoy and Fassbender were well cast as Prof. X and Magneto.

DIDN'T LIKE: Kevin Bacon as a Nazi mastermind - I was more amused than frightened. How exactly Prof. X became paralyzed. January Jones...meh.

14. Unbreakbable

LIKED: The actor playing the little boy. He's the unsung hero of the whole movie. Everything he does as a character works. And that quiet scene at the end where Bruce Willis slides the newspaper over to his son...it gets dusty in the house.

DIDN'T LIKE: Very little to complain, EXCEPT...the ending with the words on screen TELLING you what happened to the main characters was disappointing.

13. Thor

LIKED: I went in with low expectations and was wildly surprised by this one. Great casting. Kat Dunning's tits, if you need them, folks. Natalie Portman...indeed. And because I'm trying to be fair to my wife, Chris Hemsworth without his shirt. (shakes head.) Good fight scenes. Good father-sons dynamic. Idris Elba, FTMFW. "Son of Cole."

DIDN'T LIKE: The split second cameo of Hawkeye didn't work. Nobody really dies.

12. Superman

LIKED: Christopher Reeve. Getting Marlon Brando to play Kal-El and take it seriously. Superman's "I'm sad now I'M ANGRY!" face. "Otisburg? Otisburg???" John Williams' score.

DIDN'T LIKE: Movie is ultimately lessened by it's campiness.

11. Dick Tracy

LIKED: Great scenery, make-up, etc. Solid cast. The only real "weak link" is Madonna, and she's not that bad. The wristwatch walkie-talkies. The songs and montages worked well.

DIDN'T LIKE: The little kid. For some reason, he's become more of a bother as I've gotten older.

10. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

LIKED: Having never read the comic myself, I can only rely on others to tell me this is a superb adaptation. According to those "others," it was a supers adaptation. I know some folks are sick of Michael Cera, but this role was tailor made for him. I also like that there's no rhyme or reason for this guy or the seven evil exes he fights to have super powers. It just happens.

DIDN'T LIKE: Some of the characters were not as well-rounded as they could have been.

9. The Rocketeer

LIKED: Young Kevin really appreciated Jennifer Connelly's "efforts" in this film. Shit; adult Kevin STILL appreciates Jennifer Connelly. Plus...it's about a guy getting a jetpack! And he fights Nazis!! And the hero gets to wear a sweet gold helmet.

DIDN'T LIKE: Ah, something still irks me about the mob "teaming up" with the FBI agents to fight off the Nazis at the end.

8. Chronicle

LIKED: Dude, the guy who played Wallace in "The Wire" can't catch a fucking break in other TV and film roles, can he?

DIDN'T LIKE: A few of the special effects were not as convincing as others (ex: the spider being pulled apart). And while I'm here...alien ejaculate? Is that where we are as a filmgoing society?

7. Superman 2

LIKED: My favorite moment in any Superman movie. He fights three strong villains. Lex Luthor's campiness is greatly reduced. "Oh, I've been working out." That scene with Superman at the White House was pretty sweet.

DIDN'T LIKE: Superman throwing his "S" at a bad guy? Really? Seriously? And since when does the Fortress of Solitude allow people to duplicate themselves? Huh? Some of the camp involving Clark Kent, like smashing his finger in the juicer, etc. I don't like how the "re-cut" edition of Superman 2 put the "changing the Earth's rotation" ending on this one.

6. Incredibles

LIKED: "Where is my super suit?" There's more great things about this movie, but I haven't seen it in so damn long I've forgotten most of them.

DIDN'T LIKE: The baby becoming ultra super powered at just the right time was a little too convenient. And how exactly did the family all get different super powers? It's the thing that ultimately bogged down the show "Heroes" for me.

5. Spider-Man 2

LIKED: Alfred Molina is the best actor to play a Spider-Man villain. Shit, he may be the best villain actor in a Marvel movie. Yeah, better than Gandalf as Magneto. A lot less hokey than the original Spider-Man.

DIDN'T LIKE: The entire sequence on the train once Spider-Man loses his mask. I wanted to cringe over that shit.

4. X-2

LIKED: The entire "attack on Xavier's School" sequence. Colossus offering to help Wolverine. Pyro going apeshit on Iceman's parents' front porch against the cops. Everything involving the character Nightcrawler.

DIDN'T LIKE: Very few things to nitpick here. It's more a case of the other movies ahead of it are just that much more awesome or better.

3. Avengers

LIKED: Hulk and Iron Man came out like bad asses. The Hulk v. Thor fight was incredible. Robert Downey Jr.'s Iron Man is the perfect character for Joss Whedon to play with. Schwarma. The entire final hour of the film. Agent Coulsen as the unifying force behind The Avengers. Both closing credit scenes. On the whole, the movie is just fun. 2 hours and 30 minutes of fun.

DIDN'T LIKE: I feel like Captain America was somewhat underserved in parts. People say Hawkeye didn't turn out as well in this movie, but I think somebody had to have his thankless part. And Jeremy Renner did a good job with what was given.

2. The Dark Knight

LIKED: Heath Ledger. The fact that the word "absconds" was used in a newspaper headline, albeit a fictional newspaper. Upgraded from Katie Holmes to Maggie Gyllenhaal. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine - still awesome. Here's an interesting conversation I had with my best friend... He said The Dark Knight was "Christopher Nolan's apology for the Bush Administration." I laughed. Not so much because I'm some big defender of G.W.B. or anything (spoiler alert: I'm not), but I have no choice but to laugh when making such harsh political judgments against the backdrop of a film. I understand the argument that Batman can be viewed as a fascist character in general, but that's more closely Frank Miller's Batman and not the movie Batman. And actually, Frank Miller's Superman is a far worse character since he's basically a living god working as a puppet for the government. At least Batman does his own thing outside the authority of law. My friend said, "Batman hacks every cell phone and Morgan Freeman just says, 'okay, I'll let it go this one time.'" I told him that the general theme of the movie went back to the scene with Harvey Dent at the restaurant: that Rome would appoint one man to take control of things to establish order. Yes, there is the possibility of said man becoming corrupt and abusing his power, but that's what makes Batman a great fictional character: he doesn't succumb to that shit. Why? Cause he's the fucking Batman.

DIDN'T LIKE: I just feel like Two-Face did not get enough time to shine. He really should've had his own movie.

1. Iron Man

LIKED: Robert Downey Jr. is to Iron Man what Christopher Reeve was to Superman. I fear for whoever takes the role after RDJ. The Bro-mance between RDJ and Terrance Stamp. Jeff Bridges as a bald bad guy.

DIDN'T LIKE: ... uh, let me get back to you on this one.