Really, Hollis Thomas is obsessed with Sponge Bob...he even watches it during sex...(hat tip to deadspin)
When he resigns with the Saints the Superdome scoreboard guy needs a Sponge Bob montage..to get big Hollis Fired the fuck up
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Your REAL NFL Rankings.
Okay, I just read the NFL rankings from both Deadspin and The Big Lead. Shameful. So I thought I'd come in with my own that seem to be more based in reality.
I'm not boring you with my own analysis and lame jokes. If you're coming here already, chances are you're going to read this whole thing. No need to do the whole 'self-deprecation' thing.
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-4)
31. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
30. Detroit Lions (0-3)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
28. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
27. Houston Texans (0-3)
26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3)
25. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
24. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
23. Miami Dolphins (1-2)
22. San Francisco 49ers (2-2)
21. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
20. Atlanta Falcons (2-2)
19. New York Jets (2-2)
18. Chicago Bears (2-2)
17. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
16. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
15. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
14. New England Patriots (2-1)
13. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
12. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
11. New Orleans Saints (2-2)
10. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)
8. Denver Broncos (3-1)
7. Carolina Panthers (3-1)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
5. Washington Redskins (3-1)
4. Buffalo Bills (4-0)
3. Dallas Cowboys (3-1)
2. Tennesse Titans (4-0)
1. New York Giants (3-0)
I'm not boring you with my own analysis and lame jokes. If you're coming here already, chances are you're going to read this whole thing. No need to do the whole 'self-deprecation' thing.
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-4)
31. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
30. Detroit Lions (0-3)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
28. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
27. Houston Texans (0-3)
26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3)
25. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
24. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
23. Miami Dolphins (1-2)
22. San Francisco 49ers (2-2)
21. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
20. Atlanta Falcons (2-2)
19. New York Jets (2-2)
18. Chicago Bears (2-2)
17. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
16. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
15. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
14. New England Patriots (2-1)
13. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
12. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
11. New Orleans Saints (2-2)
10. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)
8. Denver Broncos (3-1)
7. Carolina Panthers (3-1)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
5. Washington Redskins (3-1)
4. Buffalo Bills (4-0)
3. Dallas Cowboys (3-1)
2. Tennesse Titans (4-0)
1. New York Giants (3-0)
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday Roundup: Drop the Deuce, better defense, and buy gold?
Malbrough over at WWL wants more consistency and Grandmaster Wang still wants the bobblehead to eat shit and die. But they are both pumped about the 2-2 Saints.
Today's financial advice: Buy gold and bury that shit in your backyard....
Today's financial advice: Buy gold and bury that shit in your backyard....
The Haz-Man Returns...ASSHOLES
Well hello, fucktards!
The HAZ Man is BAAACK!. In my rightful place running an NFL Team.
NFL Cheerleaders and St. Louis Rams fans sanity need to get ready. Cause I'm gonna fuck up the both of you!
Some people think the HAZ man is just some ranting crazy person whose team's go up and down like the stock market, commit a shitload of penalties, and generally make the team's fans wish they were the same temperature as Paul Newman.
It's all BULLSHIT.
I have a plan, motherfuckers.
I already brought in Jason Craft and that means the secondary will be air tight in no time.
As for the offense....Concussion Boy Green is out but Marc Bulgar ain't going back in...we are going to plan B...
As in Brooks Baby!
(Aaron Brooks strides in, bumping into the door frame along the way.)
People, this guy here is ready. He's rested from not playing last year, and the reports of him being retarded are a complete lie...
(Brooks begins eating glue and using pages in the Rams playbook to make paper airplanes...)
You see people the HAZ man has a fucking plan...not just for the Rams but for America...
(In walks Johnathan Sullivan, munching on a taco from Taco Town.)
My plan to save the Economy....
Sulli is going to eat all these bad mortgage securities and then start shitting gold nuggets...problem solved...
The HAZ-Man has spoken and I AM OUT....
"Jane, Can't You See I'm Reveling?"
Yep, I just quoted Mighty Ducks, get over it.
"I AM SUPERMAN, AND I CAN DO EVERYTHING."
Apparently, the crowd really loves DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Yeah, he's a special cat. That big run he had early where he pushed the pile certainly had to bring joy to the fans.
TURF PELLET SNOW ANGELS!
And I'm willing to bet a certain contingent of lady fans will continue to be smitten by the rock-hard hobbit with soft hands, Lance Moore.
"I AM SUPERMAN, AND I CAN DO EVERYTHING."Apparently, the crowd really loves DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Yeah, he's a special cat. That big run he had early where he pushed the pile certainly had to bring joy to the fans.
TURF PELLET SNOW ANGELS!And I'm willing to bet a certain contingent of lady fans will continue to be smitten by the rock-hard hobbit with soft hands, Lance Moore.
Your "We won yesterday! All is well, remain calm!" Post
A little Jane's Addiction for us on this fine Monday morning.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tale of the Tape: Saints versus 49ers
The suddenly short-handed Saints...
...take on the now rambunctious 49ers...
...Sunday afternoon. Here's your tale of the tape:
Off. Rank: Saints 396.7 ypg (4th); 49ers 342 ypg (11th)
Pass Rank: Saints 315.3 ypg (1st); 214.3 ypg (12th)
Run Rank: Saints 81.3 ypg (28th); 49ers 127.7 ypg (11th)
Points per game: Saints 26.7 ppg; 49ers 25.7 ppg
Def. Rank: Saints 392 ypg (28th); 49ers 292 ypg (9th)
Vs. Pass: Saints 258.7 (29th); 49ers 160.7 ypg (7th)
Vs. Run: Saints 133.3 (22nd); 49ers 131.1 (21st)
3rd Down percentage: Saints 43%; 49ers 37%
TO ratio: Saints -1; 49ers -1
(handed a sheet of paper...)
Aw shit. Paul Newman died. Breaking out the 'Cool Hand Luke' video, boss!
Say, what we need is a tribute song or something for Mr. Newman. Hey Joey Sunshine, play us some music on that there piano of yours!
Saints v. 49ers prediction: I say Reggie Bush keeps 'a cool hand' and scores two touchdowns, Drew Brees manages to 'sting' the 49ers defense despite missing his top two targets, and Will Smith and Charles Grant remember the 'Color of Money' and earn their paychecks by getting all 'Butch and Sundance' on JT O'Sullivan. And Martin Gramatica kicks the game-winning field goal to escape the 'Towering Inferno' that is sports talk radio callers.
And playing the role of Doyle Lonnigan will be Mike Martz.
FINAL SCORE: Saints 20, 49ers 18
...take on the now rambunctious 49ers...
...Sunday afternoon. Here's your tale of the tape:
Off. Rank: Saints 396.7 ypg (4th); 49ers 342 ypg (11th)
Pass Rank: Saints 315.3 ypg (1st); 214.3 ypg (12th)
Run Rank: Saints 81.3 ypg (28th); 49ers 127.7 ypg (11th)
Points per game: Saints 26.7 ppg; 49ers 25.7 ppg
Def. Rank: Saints 392 ypg (28th); 49ers 292 ypg (9th)
Vs. Pass: Saints 258.7 (29th); 49ers 160.7 ypg (7th)
Vs. Run: Saints 133.3 (22nd); 49ers 131.1 (21st)
3rd Down percentage: Saints 43%; 49ers 37%
TO ratio: Saints -1; 49ers -1
(handed a sheet of paper...)
Aw shit. Paul Newman died. Breaking out the 'Cool Hand Luke' video, boss!
Say, what we need is a tribute song or something for Mr. Newman. Hey Joey Sunshine, play us some music on that there piano of yours!
Saints v. 49ers prediction: I say Reggie Bush keeps 'a cool hand' and scores two touchdowns, Drew Brees manages to 'sting' the 49ers defense despite missing his top two targets, and Will Smith and Charles Grant remember the 'Color of Money' and earn their paychecks by getting all 'Butch and Sundance' on JT O'Sullivan. And Martin Gramatica kicks the game-winning field goal to escape the 'Towering Inferno' that is sports talk radio callers.
And playing the role of Doyle Lonnigan will be Mike Martz.
FINAL SCORE: Saints 20, 49ers 18
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Reason for the Saints injuries is revealed
Ok, so now Jonathan Goodwin might miss Sunday's game after tweaking a hamstring yesterday.
Will the Saints even have 45 guys to suit up?
Who is to blame for this spat of injuries?
George Bush, God, Mike Hoss?
Did Buddy D piss off God in heaven by demanding a pick'em show every Friday?
Or Maybe Jesus got tired of the whole," BAY DAhminahs pooza aftha avery Soints Toochdawn and get 3 dahlahs aff!."
Come on, Buddy, get you shit together and stop pissing off God.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Another one bites the dust
It's Tuesday and that means another Saint player is out for at least a month...Jamar Nesbit is a roider...that means the Saints starters out this week is up to 7!
Of course Nesbit says it was an over the counter product and blah blah blah....whatever. All I know is If David Patten and Jamaal Brown don't go this Sunday the Saints will be down 9 starters...Fuck.
Of course Nesbit says it was an over the counter product and blah blah blah....whatever. All I know is If David Patten and Jamaal Brown don't go this Sunday the Saints will be down 9 starters...Fuck.
Monday, September 22, 2008
What the fuck is next? The plague?
Now Shockey is out 3-6 weeks with a sports hernia which brings the Saints injured starters up to 6 if you count Hollis Thomas. And that doesn't include Jamaal Brown and David Patten's status...
Oh but Malbrough over at WWLTV.com has reasons to stay positive...WTF? If Malbrough can't get angry and bitter over a knife to the belly loss like yesterday he must not be drinking enough...
Sometimes I hate fucking football season..
Dan Patrick is a giant bag of douche.
Seriously, Danny? You're making the case that because Steve Weatherford wore his wedding ring and a wrist watch...THAT's why Martin Gramatica missed the would-be game leading field goal in the fourth quarter against Denver?
Now, does Weatherford look like an incredible dope for wearing his watch on the field? Sure. No argument from me. But to insinuate that it lead to the missed field goal? Irresponsible, Dan. Trust me, Joe Buck was calling that game, and BELIEVE ME, he'd have pointed it out as an egregious offense against the football gods if it really did cause the miss.
Now, does Weatherford look like an incredible dope for wearing his watch on the field? Sure. No argument from me. But to insinuate that it lead to the missed field goal? Irresponsible, Dan. Trust me, Joe Buck was calling that game, and BELIEVE ME, he'd have pointed it out as an egregious offense against the football gods if it really did cause the miss.
Your "Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays!" Post.
First things first. Here's your depressing music to go over the game stats, courtesy of Mazzy Star.
Time of Possession: Saints - 32:48, Broncos - 27:12
Total Off. Yards: Saints - 502, Broncos - 369
Passing Yards: Saints - 414, Broncos - 264
Rushing Yards: Saints - 88, Broncos - 105
Turnovers: Saints - 1, Broncos - 2
Third Downs: Saints - 8 of 14, Broncos - 6 of 10
Penalties: Saints - 4-51 yards, Broncos - 3-20 yards
So, the Saints win time of possession, win the air game, total yardage game, and the turnover game, and still somehow lose.
Here's another stat to depress you Saints fans out there: after trailing 21-3, the Saints held the Broncos' prolific offense to just 13 points in the final 44:11 of the game, and managed to put up 29 points in that same span of time.
I don't think I have the proper words to describe what I'm feeling...because I don't exactly know what it is I'm feeling. I mean, I thought the Saints were going to lose the game anyway, so why do I feel this way? I guess because after feeling like we were going to be given a full autopsy on national television at 21-3, the Saints somehow found a way to come back and make things not only interesting, but to rally and redeem themselves in most respects.
Reggie made up for his fumble with 148 total yards and two touchdowns, Jeremy Shockey had his usual solid game, Lance Moore proved he's the anti-Michael Lewis (a special teamer who CAN catch a pass), and Robert Meachem continues to make Saints fans believe he won't be a total waste of time. I would mention Drew Brees' spectacular performance, but does it even need to be mentioned? He's the straw that stirs the drink. And yet, somehow, we lost the game.
Where do you put the blame? Payton's play calling? Gramatica? Pierre Thomas? The run defense? The pass defense? I mean, who's to blame?
Not sure who I blame. I just know that the Saints in one of the best games of the season thus far, second maybe to the Cowboys-Eagles game on MNF last week. What, you thought I'd say Broncos-Chargers? Sorry, but any game decided by poor officiating does NOT warrant my attention.
Here's hoping the Saints come out with authority on Sunday and plant J.T. O'Sullivan on his Irish ass in the first quarter and set the tempo for the rest of the 60 minutes. We can't just win 44 minutes of a game. We gotta win ALL 60 minutes.
Time of Possession: Saints - 32:48, Broncos - 27:12
Total Off. Yards: Saints - 502, Broncos - 369
Passing Yards: Saints - 414, Broncos - 264
Rushing Yards: Saints - 88, Broncos - 105
Turnovers: Saints - 1, Broncos - 2
Third Downs: Saints - 8 of 14, Broncos - 6 of 10
Penalties: Saints - 4-51 yards, Broncos - 3-20 yards
So, the Saints win time of possession, win the air game, total yardage game, and the turnover game, and still somehow lose.
Here's another stat to depress you Saints fans out there: after trailing 21-3, the Saints held the Broncos' prolific offense to just 13 points in the final 44:11 of the game, and managed to put up 29 points in that same span of time.
I don't think I have the proper words to describe what I'm feeling...because I don't exactly know what it is I'm feeling. I mean, I thought the Saints were going to lose the game anyway, so why do I feel this way? I guess because after feeling like we were going to be given a full autopsy on national television at 21-3, the Saints somehow found a way to come back and make things not only interesting, but to rally and redeem themselves in most respects.
Reggie made up for his fumble with 148 total yards and two touchdowns, Jeremy Shockey had his usual solid game, Lance Moore proved he's the anti-Michael Lewis (a special teamer who CAN catch a pass), and Robert Meachem continues to make Saints fans believe he won't be a total waste of time. I would mention Drew Brees' spectacular performance, but does it even need to be mentioned? He's the straw that stirs the drink. And yet, somehow, we lost the game.
Where do you put the blame? Payton's play calling? Gramatica? Pierre Thomas? The run defense? The pass defense? I mean, who's to blame?
Not sure who I blame. I just know that the Saints in one of the best games of the season thus far, second maybe to the Cowboys-Eagles game on MNF last week. What, you thought I'd say Broncos-Chargers? Sorry, but any game decided by poor officiating does NOT warrant my attention.
Here's hoping the Saints come out with authority on Sunday and plant J.T. O'Sullivan on his Irish ass in the first quarter and set the tempo for the rest of the 60 minutes. We can't just win 44 minutes of a game. We gotta win ALL 60 minutes.
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