Movin' Out: The Payton Parallax

INT. SAINTS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Coach Sean Payton closes a suitcase and puts some personal effects into a cardboard box.


PAYTON: Well, this was fun. Sure was odd that I had clothes and personal items to pack at the office, though. Oh well, I'll have the place in the city to put some of this stuff around draft time.

There's a slight rap at the door. Thomas Morstead meekly sticks his head in the room.


MORSTEAD: Can I come in, Coach?

PAYTON: Sure thing, Thomas. C'mon in. What can I do for you?

MORSTEAD: Well, Coach, all this talk about you moving has me worried.

PAYTON: Don't worry, Thomas. I'm going to stay in NOLA during the football season. Well, except for maybe the bye week. I'll probably go back to Dallas for that.

MORSTEAD: Please don't go to Dallas, sir!! You can't leave the franchise high and dry like this!!


PAYTON: Calm down. I'm not leaving the team. I'm not taking another job. (mutters) Not that anything's been offered to me anyway, thanks a lot, Mr. Jerry Jones...

MORSTEAD: But Coach, Saints fans are awfully provincial.

PAYTON: Thomas, I have to do what's best for my family, you know?

MORSTEAD: Coach, as somebody who attended SMU, I can tell you that people in Texas don't like Louisiana. And folks here sure don't like Texans, especially those residing in the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area.

PAYTON: Thomas, I'm not really interested in playing provincial politics.

MORSTEAD: What about your book, hmmmm, coach? That part where you said you had to be "all in" and you needed to be here to coach the team and you were glad you did?

PAYTON: Thomas, that's just the way this stuff works: win a Super Bowl, have some dude ghost write a book for you in which you trot out these platitudes about being "one with the city" blah blah blah. Between you and me, I'd have stayed in Dallas if Loomis would've let me. But there were extenuating circumstances.

MORSTEAD: Such as?

PAYTON: Such as...this was my first head coaching gig and I didn't want to look like a total asshole by NOT moving to the city. Look, I guided this team to a Super Bowl. A Super Bowl, for Christ's sakes! Am I not entitled to live where I want? We're still gonna kick ass in the 2012 season! I got some store credit here, and I intend to use it!

MORSTEAD: Well, this is the only major change of the off-season, right?

PAYTON: Absolutely. (Long dramatic pause.) Well...

MORSTEAD: Well what, sir?

PAYTON: I mean, this is the most recent thing to happen this off-season.

MORSTEAD: What else happened?

PAYTON: You mean, aside from Drew's off-season surgery?

MORSTEAD: What off-season surgery? I thought you said he wouldn't need surgery!

PAYTON: That was for the papers. After that schmuck Kenny Wilkerson and that wonk from that weak-ass blog "broke" the story about Drew's knee, we were in full damage control.

MORSTEAD: I always thought Saints bloggers had a certain rakish charm...

PAYTON: (interrupting) Whatever. I'd managed to taper things down about the Argentinian goat ligaments being grafted inside Drew's knee, until Heath Evans decided to open his big mouth after the season.

MORSTEAD: What, so what happened to Drew's knee now?

PAYTON: His knee? Take a look at the new and improved Drew Brees! (pushes intercom button.) Drew, c'mon in here for a second.

(Wall caves in as a Drew Brees enters.)


DREW-209: What can I do for you, Coach? Got a reporter you need me to silence? I gotta stop at the house and make a quick change, though. I converted the cannons into nail guns and I was using them to build Habitat houses at a breakneck pace.

PAYTON: No, I don't need you to kill anybody at the moment. I just wanted Thomas here to see that change isn't all bad.

DREW-209: Oh yeah, it's great, Thomas. And what'll you see what Coach did for Jabari Greer's shoulder!

MORSTEAD: Wait, what?

PAYTON: C'mon in, Jabari!


JABARI: What up, people!

MORSTEAD: Coach, is that the shoulder cannon from Predator?

PAYTON: Yep. Got it from the Defense Department when we visited DC last year. Winning a Super Bowl has its advantages, Thomas. Proves you know how to make good decisions. Which is why I traded Jeremy Shockey.

MORSTEAD: YOU WHAT?

PAYTON: Yep, traded him to the Miami Dolphins.


SHOCKEY: The Shockmeister gonna put his Shock Stick in some Cuban immigrants this summer!!! HOLLA AT YA BOY!!!!

MORSTEAD: What'd we get for Mr. J-Shock, Coach?

PAYTON: Conditional seventh round pick.

MORSTEAD: Sir, that doesn't seem like a fair trade...

PAYTON: (interrupting) That's cause I didn't lay out the specs, Thomas. If Jeremy here bones a hooker, the Dolphins give $500,000 in cash considerations. It goes up to $1 million if he bangs a hooker. $2 million if he bangs a hooker, kills her, then buries the body like in that crappy movie starring Christian Slater, Jeremy Piven and Jon Favreau.

MORSTEAD: Okay...

PAYTON: Annnnnnd...if he knocks up a cheerleader, we owe them a draft pick in 2013. But if he sleeps with J-Lo, we owe three draft picks over the next three years. However, if J-Shock manages to get a cameo on Showtime's Dexter next season, our draft pick gets upgraded to a fifth rounder. And if he adds a tattoo of Cuba's flag on his ass, we get some more cash considerations.

MORSTEAD: This can't be happening...


SHOCKEY: Come here, you big footed goof.

(Jeremy throws his arm around Thomas' shoulder and walks him down the hall.)

SHOCKEY: Look, when a team wins the Super Bowl, their coach gets to make a few 'I'm Keith Hernandez' decisions. It happens. Tom Coughlin tried hooking a Nintendo joystick up to the Statue of Liberty to re-enact the finale of Ghostbusters 2.

MORSTEAD: Really?

SHOCKEY: No. Not really. Point is...I get to bang some hot trim in Miami Beach.

MORSTEAD: Oh.

SHOCKEY: But hey, buck up, kiddo. Coach Payton is only doing this for his family. Sure, he may or may not be as emotionally as invested in this place as Drew Brees. But honestly, who the fuck really is? And do you think Coach Payton enjoys putting his kids out there in the public square?

MORSTEAD: They're not public figures.

SHOCKEY: Do you realize how much crap they have to deal with at school? If the Saints lose, it's "Why doesn't your dad run the ball more?" But if they win, it's "can 26 of us come over this week to swim in the pool shaped like the Lombardi Trophy?" Kids shouldn't have to deal with that. Coach wants the kids to have a normal life. Now, I know it's Texas, and those weirdoes give me the creeps. But hey, who am I to judge?

MORSTEAD: Yeah, I guess you're right.

SHOCKEY: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my vast array of glass dildoes. I hear them Miami broads fucking love that shit.

Getting the anniversary card in a day late...

So this happened ten years ago yesterday:



Good times. It's not only the namesake for this very (poorly run) blog, but it's also my favorite play in Saints history. Sure, you could go with the Gleason punt block or Tracy Porter's pick-six of Peyton Manning, or even Garrett Hartley's game-winning FG in the NFCCG. All very worthy.

However, before Hell could freeze over, we had to know it existed. And to understand that, we had to be sure there was really a Heaven. But to believe that, we had to know "there is a God after all."

Brian Milne played only five seasons in the NFL. He was a fullback. He was something of a journeyman: drafted by the Colts (in 1996, same year they got Marvin Harrison) but placed on waivers, picked up by the Bengals, whom he played with sparingly over four season, was subsequently dumped in 1999 and then picked up by the Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks showed him the exit after one year, and that's when the Saints came knocking.

Milne retired after that season with the Black & Gold. He left his mark on the St. Louis Rams, though, scoring a touchdown against them in a 31-24 win on November 26, 2000, and later, recovering "the muff by Hakim." I'd like to think the diehard Rams fans have nightmares about Brian Milne, much the same way I wake in a cold sweat sometimes thinking about Joe Montana dominating the old NFC West.

And with ten years gone by, I think it's time for Brian Milne to receive some kind of proper honor. Looking at his player profile, it's clear that Brian Milne is not exactly Saints Hall of Fame material, let alone NFL Hall of Fame material. But that shouldn't stop the organization from honoring him.

I think the team owes is Brian Milne to give him a special half time presentation to go over that moment in time. Hey, this Sunday's as good as any other, right? I mean, it IS the 10 year anniversary. And while we're talking about honoring Brian Milne, I think the guy deserves the "Joe Gemelli Fleur De Lis Award" as well.

And...(yes, there's an "AND") he deserves some kind of new honor. Something that a guy of middling accomplishment who had such an indelible impact on the franchise deserves. Brian Milne may not hae been an All Pro, but he was an All Saint for one glorious moment. And for that moment, the man should never have to pay for a beer in the city of New Orleans ever again. Call it the "Your Money's No Good Here" Award or something, I don't really care. Let somebody smarter than me come up with a name for it (lights the 'Wang Signal').

Brian Milne is an unsung hero whose moment of triumph deserves high praise for all times. Don't misunderstand. Brian Milne wasn't a man for all seasons. Looking at his record, he really wasn't much of a man for football season. But his actions lifted the Saints and its fans to a higher place. A joyous place. One that fans don't get to experience very often, let alone fans of a long downtrodden franchise.

He brought his exubrance and exhaltation. And for that he has earned not only a permament place in our hearts and minds, but a fitting memorial to stand the test of time.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 15 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Arizona Cardinals (4-10)
31. Carolina Panthers (2-12)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (3-11)
29. Denver Broncos (3-11)
28. Washington Redskins (5-9)
27. Detroit Lions (4-10)
26. San Francisco 49ers (5-9)
25. Buffalo Bills (4-10)
24. Minnesota Vikings (5-9)
23. Houston Texans (5-9)
22. Seattle Seahawks (6-8): Remember, folks -- SOMEBODY has to win this division.
21. Cleveland Browns (5-9)

"I thought you were putting on Christmas music?"
"This IS Christmas music!"



20. Tennessee Titans (6-8)
19. Dallas Cowboys (5-9)
18. St. Louis Rams (6-8): Bradford has not looked the same since that pick-six against the Saints.
17. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-6)
15. Oakland Raiders (7-7)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6)
13. Indiannapolis Colts (8-6)
12. Green Bay Packers (8-6)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (9-5)

Grace Potter & The Nocturnals from Letterman. Grace Potter is not only hot but knows how to rock out? Winner...



10. New York Giants (9-5)
9. San Diego Chargers (8-6)
8. Chicago Bears (10-4)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-4)
6. New Orleans Saints (10-4)
5. New York Jets (10-4)
4. Baltimore Ravens (10-4)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
2. Atlanta Falcons (12-2)
1. New England Patriots (12-2)

NFL Power Rankings (Week 14 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth. But first...HAPPY FAVREANUKAH!



32. Carolina Panthers (1-12)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11)
30. Denver Broncos (3-10)
29. Detroit Lions (3-10)
28. Minnesota Vikings (5-8): No more rock out with your cock out, Favre!
27. Arizona Cardinals (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (3-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-8)
24. Seattle Seahawks (6-7)
23. San Francisco 49ers (5-8)
22. Dallas Cowboys (4-9)
21. Cleveland Browns (5-8)

Regarding the NFC West and my sick desires to see a sub-.500 team win, I'll turn things over to Big Daddy Drew from Deadspin:

"Anyway, the point is that a 7-9 team winning the West is still possible and in fact likely. I know a lot of people may bitch about it if it happens, but I think it's kind of cool. I mean, it takes a staggering amount of futility on the part of an entire division to conspire to get a 7-9 team into the playoffs. It's a miraculous convergence of shitty quarterbacking, horrible team management, and Pete Carroll. With Sam Bradford getting better and better, we may not see the likes of the 2010 NFC West ever again. So savor the flavor, everyone. You are watching history being made. Terrible, terrible history."

What he said.

20. Tennessee Titans (5-8)
19. St. Louis Rams (6-7)
18. Houston Texans (5-8): I legit sympathize with the Texans. That finish was a true kick to the nuts.
17. Oakland Raiders (6-7)
16. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5)
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5)
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-6)
12. San Diego Chargers (7-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (8-5)

And now, a parrot singing "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor":



10. New York Jets (9-4)
9. Chicago Bears (9-4)
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5)
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-4)
6. New York Giants (9-4)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4)
3. New Orleans Saints (10-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-2)
1. New England Patriots (11-2): Barring some kind of bad loss to a vastly inferior team these last three weeks, I can't really see the Patriots sliding from this spot.

And this would be Denise Milani, who's hogging up all the world's denim in this picture:

NFL Power Rankings (Week 13 - 2010)

Yeah, I'm doing this prior to the week 14 games and AFTER the Thursday night game. Note: the Colts near choke is not factored into this one. I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-11)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-10) - Screwed by the refs twice. Against the Bears. Bad times.
28. Denver Broncos (3-9)
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
26. Buffalo Bills (2-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-7)
24. Tennessee Titans (5-7)
23. Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): JUST CLICK THIS LINK. Now that's a great hit...
21. Cleveland Browns (5-7)

20. Seattle Seahawks (6-6)
19. Miami Dolphins (6-6)
18. Houston Texans (5-7)
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6)
16. Oakland Raiders (6-6)
15. Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
14. San Diego Chargers (6-6)
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5)
11. New York Giants (8-4)



10. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4)
9. New York Jets (9-3)
8. Green Bay Packers (8-4)
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
6. Chicago Bears (9-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
4. New Orleans Saints (9-3) - Still lurking, assholes...
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (10-2)
1. New England Patriots (10-2) - How ESPN ranks them behind the Falcons after the Pats' DESTROYED the Jets on MNF is beyond reason or understanding.

Oh, and here's a message to Brady and the Pats, and Matty Ice and the Falcons, courtesy of Mr. Johnny Cash:

NFL Power Rankings (Week 12 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-10)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-8) - Note to Derek Anderson: when you're seen smiling or laughing on the sidelines when you're getting the shit kicked out of you on the field, fans are going to react harshly. (Ex. Aaron Brooks)
30. Denver Broncos (3-8)
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9)
28. Detroit Lions (2-9)
27. Dallas Cowboys (3-8)
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-7) - Wait, Favre's now an offensive coordinator? Fuck, dude, just GO AWAY!
24. Buffalo Bills (2-9) - Steve Johnson drops would-be game-winning catch. Blames God. Catches Hell for it. Now says people were silly to think he was blaming God. All is right with universe.
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-6)
22. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
21. Washington Redskins (5-6)

I still love this song...



20. St. Louis Rams (5-6) - Knowing the Rams would be a seven-point playoff dog AT HOME is almost enough to make me hope the Saints do finish with the 5th seed in the NFC. Almost.
19. Tennessee Titans (5-6) - Who the fuck names their kid "Cortland" anyways? Assholes, that's who.
18. Houston Texans (5-6)
17. Oakland Raiders (5-6)
16. Miami Dolphins (6-5)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4)
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-5)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) - A DOUBLE DWAYNE BOWE! WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
11. Green Bay Packers (7-4) - Aaron Rodgers can't play defense and special teams, yo.



10. New York Giants (7-4)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
8. Chicago Bears (8-3)
7. San Diego Chargers (6-5)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (8-3) - Lurking, motherfuckers. Lurking...
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-3)
3. New York Jets (9-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-2) - Falcons are, bar none, the best team in the NFC. No getting around that. But I'd be anxious to see how Matt Ryan will handle himself in the playoffs when they're expected to win.
1. New England Patriots (9-2)

Oh yeah...Drew Brees, folks. Drew fucking Brees.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 11 - 2010)

Wanted to get this list out there before the Thanksgiving Day games got underway. You know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-9)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8)
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)
29. Detroit Lions (2-8)
28. Minnesota Vikings (3-7)
27. Denver Broncos (3-7)
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7)
25. Buffalo Bills (2-8)
24. Dallas Cowboys (3-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-5)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-6)
21. Cleveland Browns (3-7)

In honor of America, here's The Boss:



20. Houston Texans (4-6)
19. Oakland Raiders (5-5)
18. Washington Redskins (5-5)
17. Tennessee Titans (5-5)
16. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
14. Chicago Bears (7-3): Over-rated! (clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)
12. San Diego Chargers (5-5)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3)

And here's one of the more awesome moments in cinematic history:



10. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
9. New York Giants (6-4)
8. Green Bay Packers (7-3)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3): Yeah, I know the Steelers were ranked higher last week and put a beating on the Raiders. So the fuck what? Got a problem, dickhead?
6. Baltimore Ravens (7-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3)
4. New York Jets (8-2)
3. Atlanta Falcons (8-2)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3)
1. New England Patriots (8-2)

And now...football awesomeness!

In brightest day, in blackest night...

DeMarcus Ware doesn't stand a chance...

NFL Power Rankings (Week 10 - 2010)

Haven't done this in a while, but you know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-8)
31. Detroit Lions (1-8)
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7)
29. Buffalo Bills (1-8)
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6)
27. San Francisco (3-6)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (4-5)
23. Cleveland Browns (3-6)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-5)
21. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)

That's right. The NFC West doesn't get past No. 21 on my list. Speaking of utter disappointments, here's the Green Lantern "teaser" trailer:



This isn't a teaser trailer. Teaser trailers are typically 90 seconds or less. The Batman Begins teaser? 1 minute, 15 seconds. Superman Returns teaser? 90 seconds. Dark Knight teaser? 55 seconds.

And also, this teaser is a train wreck. What's with the big-headed fool with the pornstache? And why does Ryan Reynolds wear a cartoon? And why is Blake Lively pretending to be cardboard?

20. Denver Broncos (3-6)
19. Houston Texans (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4)
16. Chicago Bears (6-4)
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-5)
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4)
12. Tennessee Titans (5-4)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)

Well, here's something interesting, Cowboys & Aliens. It's cowboys. It's aliens. It's James Bond. It's Indiana Jones/Hans Solo. It's intriguing.



10. New York Giants (6-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (6-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
7. New Orleans Saints (6-3)
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) Remember that asshole bandwagon Steelers fan I always tell you about? Well, he got fired from his job today. And because I hold grudges like nobody's fucking business, I celebrated like we skull fucked Iraq in Desert Storm, Part 1.
4. New York Jets (6-3)
3. Philadelphia Eages (7-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (7-2)
1. New England Patriots (7-2)

Left or right? Garrett Hartley gets unwanted pointers

Scene: EXT. empty sugarcane field -- NIGHT

(Garrett Hartley is practicing kicking field goals. He's making some, but he keeps shanking them to the right.)

GARRETT: Damn it! Coach isn't gonna keep me around for long if I can't make consistent kicks... (Garrett lines one up, kicks it wide right.) SHIT!

(Garrett hears something coming behind him from the left.)

GARRETT: Now what? More magical black men?


KEITH: HOW. DARE. YOU. SIR!!!

GARRETT: Huh?

KEITH: This is no ordinary set of circumstances, Mr. Hartley. This is a matter of GRAVE importance. (shuffles papers.) You cannot expect your career to move forward if you keep hitting these kicks to the right!!

GARRETT: Oh, hey, I remember you! I used to watch you on ESPN, like, a decade ago or something! How's Dan Patrick doing?

KEITH: He's fine. Now, about your kicking...

GARRETT: Yes, sir. What do you recommend?

KEITH: Kick left.

GARRETT: Aim for the left post?


KEITH: No. I mean...AIM. LEFT. You'll never move forward if you're kicking to the right. Line up perpendicular to the ball, and kick it to the left.

GARRETT: Okay...you mean into the stands?

KEITH: Exactly!!

GARRETT: I don't see how that'll help me make field goals...

KEITH: Do you want to make FIELD GOALS or do you want to make a STATEMENT?!?

GARRETT: Uh...


GLENN: Don't answer that!!!

KEITH: Aw, Christ!

GLENN: Don't let this fascist Marxist tell you what to do...LET ME DO THAT!

(Garrett Hartley face palm.)

GARRETT: Do I have to?

GLENN: What are you, Garrett? A socialist sympathizer? Why do you hate freedom?

KEITH: Erroneous! Erroneous, I tell you!!

GARRETT: What do you suggest, sir?

GLENN: You should keep aiming to the right, duh!!!!

GARRETT: Yeah, but that isn't working...

GLENN: Don't tell me it isn't working!!! What are you, some kinda one-man splinter cell?!?

GARRETT: You're nuts.


GLENN: Look, Garrett, your name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant, MY name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant. Who you gonna trust? By the way, can I interest you in some over-priced gold coins for the coming apocalypse?

GARRETT: Unbelievable...to hell with both of you, I'll aim for between the uprights, thank you very much.

KEITH: What, you mean, like, "the middle?"

GLENN: What the hell kinda tactic is that?!?

(Garrett walks away, leaving Keith and Glenn standing chest to chest, huffing and puffing at one another.)

KEITH: Glenn, I've always meant to ask you something.

GLENN: What is it?

KEITH: Why hock gold? I mean, in the apocalypse, won't gold be made irrelevant?

GLENN: You NEED a currency, fool! How else will capitalism flourish?!?

KEITH: Yeah, I get the whole exchange for goods and services, but why stockpile gold? Why not guns? After all, if I've got a gun, and all you've got is gold, it stands to reason...

(Glenn jams his thumbs in his ears.)


GLENN: I'm not listening! I'm not listening!! I'm not listening!!!

Sooner or later, he'd gonna cut ya down...

Had to bust out the Photoshop skills to show you assholes I hadn't disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I'm worried, but not, you know...worried

Colt McCoy, ladies and gents!