2014 NFL predictions sure to go wrong

It's been a year since I last posted (again). Here are my predictions for the final standings of the 2014 NFL regular season. And to spice things up, I'm also sharing my answers for the "4 people you have dinner with" question…MANY. DIFFERENT. VERSIONS. And I can't use the same answer twice. BOOM...

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts (10-6) *
Tennessee Titans (9-7) *
Houston Texans (6-10)
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-14)

Name 4 living people you'd have dinner with:
Eddie Vedder
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jon Stewart
Cormac McCarthy

AFC West
Denver Broncos (11-5) *
Kansas City Chiefs (10-6) *
Oakland Raiders (7-9)
San Diego Chargers (7-9)

Name 4 dead people you'd have dinner with:
Ernest Hemingway
Abraham Lincoln
Sun Tzu
Beethoven

AFC East
New England Patriots (11-5) *
Miami Dolphins (8-8)
New York Jets (5-11)
Buffalo Bills (3-13)

Name 4 presidents you'd have dinner with:
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
Teddy Roosevelt
Dwight Eisenhower

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens (10-6) *
Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-10)
Cleveland Browns (4-12)

Name 4 stand-up comics you'd have dinner with:
Louis C.K.
Bill Burr
Lewis Black
Kathleen Madigan

NFC South
New Orleans Saints (12-4) *
Atlanta Falcons (8-8) *
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10)
Carolina Panthers (5-11)

Name 4 athletes (active or retired) you'd have dinner with:
Drew Brees
Charles Barkley
Wladimir Klitschko
Ronda Rousey

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks (12-4) *
Arizona Cardinals (10-6)
San Francisco 49ers (9-7)
St. Louis Rams (3-13)

Name 4 actors you'd have dinner with:
Tom Hanks
Chris Pratt
Jennifer Lawrence
Samuel Jackson

NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles (11-5) *
Dallas Cowboys (8-8)
New York Giants (6-10)
Washington (5-11)

Name 4 Uptons (living or dead) you'd have dinner with:
Kate Upton
Kate Upton
Kate Upton
Upton Sinclair (and he's getting kicked out the dinner hall after 10 minutes anyway)

NFC North
Chicago Bears (10-6) *
Green Bay Packers (9-7) *
Detroit Lions (5-11)
Minnesota Vikings (4-12)

Name 4 pro wrestlers (living or dead) you'd have dinner with:
Nakamura
Dusty Rhodes
Mick Foley
Randy Savage

Okay, so I've got the Saints going 12-4. But how do they get there?

Week 1: @Atlanta Falcons - W, 33-24
Week 2: @Cleveland Browns - W, 34-17
Week 3: Minnesota Vikings - W, 41-24
Week 4: @Dallas Cowboys - W, 24-20
Week 5: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - W, 21-10
Week 6: BYE WEEK
Week 7: @Detroit Lions - W, 31-21
Week 8: Green Bay Packers - W, 45-31
Week 9: @Carolina Panthers - L, 27-21
Week 10: San Francisco 49ers - L, 28-24
Week 11: Cincinnati Bengals - W, 30-24
Week 12: Baltimore Ravens - W, 28-14
Week 13: @Pittsburgh Steelers - L, 23-16
Week 14: Carolina Panthers - W, 20-17
Week 15: @Chicago Bears - L, 28-17
Week 16: Atlanta Falcons - W, 21-20
Week 17: @Tampa Bay Buccaneers - W, 30-20

Prediction: Saints finish 10-6, make playoffs...BUT HOW DO THEY GET THERE?!?

Damn, I haven't posted here in nearly a year?  I'm surprised the website's still active.  But hey, never turn away good news, or whatever the expression is.

So on Twitter I predicted the Saints would go 10-6 and make the playoffs.  That has me wondering: what did I predict last year for the Saints?

10-6; make the playoffs.

God, I'm such a gutless turd sometimes.

Anyway...here's my game-by-game prediction for the Saints' 2013 season.  I'm sure NOTHING will be wrong this time out.

Week 1: Atlanta Falcons - W
Week 2: @Tampa Bay Buccaneers - W
Week 3: Arizona Cardinals - W
Week 4: Miami Dolphins - W (Party in the MIA?  Party in the MIA.)
Week 5: @Chicago Bears - L (Saints STILL haven't figured out Chicago on the road)
Week 6: @New England Patriots - L (I'll smash my balls in a cabinet drawer after watching ESPN fawn over Tom Brady after he breaks The Brees Streak.)
Week 7: BYE WEEK!



Week 8: Buffalo Bills - W
Week 9: @New York Jets - W (Rex Ryan will probably be fired before this game.  I could TOTALLY see him trolling NY fans and the media by appearing on the opposite sidelines with his brother or some shit.  I would write a scenario JUST LIKE THIS, but Kissing Suzy Kolber would have my ass.)
Week 10: Dallas Cowboys - W
Week 11: San Francisco 49ers - L (The less I say about the better.)
Week 12: @Atlanta Falcons - L (ALL of the middle fingers.)
Week 13: @Seattle Seahawks - L (Can't wait to watch ESPN fawn over "great despite being small" Russell Wilson's performance.)
Week 14: Carolina Panthers - W
Week 15: @St. Louis Rams - W (F*ck the mustache.)
Week 16: @Carolina Panthers - L
Week 17: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - W (Saints clinch playoff spot with the win here at home.)

OTHER MEANINGLESS SAINTS PREDICTIONS:

1. Drew Brees throws for over 4,500 yards and 30 TDs.
2. Drew Brees doesn't even place in the MVP voting at season's end.
3. I go nuclear over the entire MVP voting process.
4. Jimmy Graham catches 80+ passes and has fewer than 9 drops.
5. Meachem has 3 good games all season, infuriating an entire nation of fantasy football players.
6. Kenny Stills finds a matching purse and pumps.

Mr. Goodell, don't make Ed Hochuli angry...

...You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Now if only I can find a good picture of Mike Carey to Photoshop inside of Iron Man's armor, I've got the makings of a "REFengers" team.

...

God, I need a life.

Getting to 10-6....Game by game

So now that I've gone on record with my preseason prediction of "10-6" I have to explain just how the Saints will get there.  Well, I've already been proven wrong on my forecasting, and we're only one week into the season.



Week 1 - Washington Redskins, W
Week 2 - @Carolina Panthers, L
Week 3 - Kansas City Chiefs, W
Week 4 - @Green Bay Packers, L
Week 5 - BYE
Week 6 - San Diego Chargers, W
Week 7 - @Tampa Bay Buccaneers, L
Week 8 - @Denver Broncos, L
Week 9 - Philadelphia Eagles, W
Week 10 - Atlanta Falcons, W
Week 11 - @Oakland Raiders, W
Week 12 - San Francisco 49ers, W
Week 13 - @Atlanta Falcons, L
Week 14 - @New York Giants, W
Week 15 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers, L
Week 16 - @Dallas Cowboys, W
Week 17 - Carolina Panthers, W

Notes:

-Yes, I've got the Bucs sweeping us this season.  Hey, I predicted them to go 10-6 this season and WIN the NFC South, so I'm at least staying consistent.

-I've got the team going 3-5 on the road and 7-1 at home.  Dome Field Advantage, folks.

-I had the team being consistently inconsistent while Interim Interim Head Coach Aaron Kromer is in charge.

-Based on last year's season opener, I'm keeping with the Packers winning that game.

-With all my fucking heart, I don't see the Saints losing to the Niners in the Dome.  No fucking way.

-I think the short turnaround between Niners game and the Thursday night game on the road against the Falcons will prove too much.

-And I think the Saints grab two must-win games to finish the season to clinch a wildcard spot in the postseason.

-And here's a final season line for Drew Brees: 66% completion rate, over 4,700 passing yards, 40 TDs and 19 INTs.

2012-13 NFL Season Predictions

All the preseason games have been played.  The seemingly never-ending wave of player cuts have finally ended, and the scraps have been picked off the heap.  Al Michaels has perfected his "Out with a ..." voice.  Bob Costas has saddled his high horse and is ready to ride again.  Frank Caliendo is...well, Frank's doing something with his life now.  Not sure what that is.  Wang has sharpened his homer tendencies to a fine point.  Gregg Williams is banging Thai hookers and competing in underground fight competitions abroad.  I'm still working on my British accent and fighting to make myself believe 'The Dark Knight Rises' wasn't as disappointing as I thought.

So, here's some preseason predictions sure to blow up in my face.  And let's throw in some of the greatest hits of the 80s.  You know, for the shit of it.  (Aside: Why aren't there exclusive 80s stations on terrestrial radio?  Jesus Christ, you'd make a fucking mint off that shit.  There was enough versatility in the 80s.  Quality versatility, at that.)

AFC South

1. Houston Texans (10-6) *

2. Tennessee Titans (8-8)

3. Indianapolis Colts (6-10)

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12)

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5) * 

2. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) *

3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)

4. Cleveland Browns (6-10)

AFC West

1. Denver Broncos (10-6) *

2. San Diego Chargers (10-6) *

3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

4. Oakland Raiders (6-10)

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (12-4) *

2. Buffalo Bills (9-7)

3. New York Jets (6-10)

4. Miami Dolphins (5-11) 

NFC East

1. New York Giants (10-6) *

2. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)

3. Philadelphia Eagles (6-10)

4. Washington Redskins (5-11)

NFC West

1. San Francisco 49ers (11-5) *

2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)

3. Arizona Cardinals (6-10)

4. St. Louis Rams (4-12)

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers (12-4) *

2. Chicago Bears (10-6) *

3. Detroit Lions (7-9)

4. Minnesota Vikings (5-11)

NFC South

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6) *

2. New Orleans Saints (10-6) *

3. Atlanta Falcons (8-8)

4. Carolina Panthers (7-9)



AFC Playoffs, Round 1
HOUSTON d. San Diego
DENVER d. Baltimore

AFC Playoffs, Round 2
Houston d. PITTSBURGH
NEW ENGLAND d. Denver

AFC Championship
NEW ENGLAND d. Houston



NFC Playoffs, Round 1
Chicago d. TAMPA BAY
NEW YORK d. New Orleans

NFC Playoffs, Round 2
GREEN BAY d. New York
SAN FRAN d. Chicago

NFC Championship
GREEN BAY d. San Francisco



Super Bowl XLVII
Green Bay v. New England

Ah, but just HOW will the Saints arrive at that record?  That post is coming later this week.

Just a reminder folks...

that this guy was NOT named Most Valuable Player last season:

"3. Drew Brees
How often does a team change its offensive style in midstream without missing a beat? The Patriots did it when their tight ends replaced Randy Moss and took some of the load off Wes Welker, but what the Saints did last year was even more impressive. After years of running their offense through Marques Colston and a bevy of inconsistent deep receivers, they shifted courses and built it around a castoff running back (Darren Sproles) and a tight end with limited football experience (Graham). Brees used the transitional year to set NFL records for completions, completion percentage, and passing yardage, throwing in a league-leading 46 touchdown passes and 3.5 percent sack rate for good measure. Remember that he also went 40-of-63 for 462 yards with four touchdowns in the playoffs against the mighty 49ers pass defense in San Francisco, the same one that held Eli Manning to 316 yards on 58 attempts and seven third-down conversions amid 21 chances. It's not his fault that the defense allowed 36 points and a career game from Alex Smith." - Bill Barnwell, Grantland.com

If anybody needs me, I'll be outside playing in traffic.

#PaytonPropaganda

Grandmaster Wang issued a call today regarding the ever watchful eye of Coach Payton.  To quote Bill the Butcher: "Challenge accepted."

Driving Mr. King

This came in my inbox today, courtesy of Ralph:


Dave, you or somebody at CSC needs to contact peter king at si.peterking@gmail.com IMMEDIATELY  and volunteer to drive him around NOLA on Friday. He's looking for a college student. If I was in town I'd make up a fake resume and send it. Get Travis or hell take a personal day friday and DO THIS yourself. Good pub for CSC for sure and PETER KING STORIES!

Peter why do you love coffee so much?
Do you want to murder Drew Magary?

Oh the questions!


Yeah, I know I'm 600 miles away and not really capable of being the chauffeur Mr. King wants.  But I'm the chauffeur Mr. King needs.  (#seewhatididthere)


With that in my mind, I fired off a list of questions for Dave or Win Ellington to ask Mr. King as they're driving him to and from the local Starbuck (plural of Starbucks) and GO TO MORNING CALL AND TELL THE WORLD HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!


Here are the questions:


Peter, do you think high speed rail will save the American economy?

On the subject, have you ever traveled on the Orient Express?

You three favorite dog breeds.  GO!

Mr. King, would you like to see this video of my son turning over on his own? (Note: Only works if Dave's asking.)

Mr. King, can I interest you in a monogrammed Tulane letterman jacket?  (Again, also only works if Dave's asking.)

Mr. King, don't you think it'd be criminal if Tulane can't get an uptown stadium built for the football team?  (See above)

Peter, why do you write your pieces like Norm MacDonald's Larry King impression crossed with a 24-year-old GED applicant?

Drew Brees: manliest man who ever manned, OR just a super awesome quarterback who STILL can't get a fair shake.  Which is it?

Which French Quarter titty bar do you prefer?

Have you ever checked out of a hotel because they didn't offer a coffee maker in the room?  Or if the available coffee wasn't up to your standards?

What do you know about Craig James killing those five hookers in Texas back in the day?

Monday Night Raw just hit a thousand episodes.  When SNF reaches a thousand episodes, will they wheel out Bob Costas' head to give condescending essays at halftime about how nanotechnology isn't all THAT good?

Best town that represents small town America: O'Fallon, Missouri; Alton, Illinois; Danville, Kentucky; Sante Fe, New Mexico; or Metairie, LA?

After leaving New Orleans, how long will you be staying in Kiln, Mississippi?

Is Brett a good cook?  Follow-up query: does he surprise you with breakfast in bed?

Will your piece on the Saints include the phrase, "Swagger. New Orleans has it"?  If not, GTFO of my car.  I don't care if we're on the I-10 or not.  GTFO.

Drew Brees is the one who knocks...

Photoshop breakdown:

I took a color headshot of Drew Brees and laid it over this Breaking Bad promotional picture of Walter White.  I blended the 2 pictures together.  Walter's glasses, goatee, ears and some of his "hate lines" are still present.  Drew's eyes, nose, hair, mouth and cheek structure is substituted in.

Obviously, the two images didn't line up perfectly, so I had to stretch Drew's face a bit to make it work.

I've done three versions of this and I think this is the best I'm getting.  The first looked too much like Walter White.  The second almost looked like I drew lines around Brees' face to represent the glasses and the goatee.

I look forward to seeing somebody use this as inspiration for meshing Saints players with the cast of 'The Wire' or something.

Favorite Pearl Jam lyrics

After getting "Adarn'd" the other week regarding the suspensions, I realized I needed to take a step back and get away from thinking/talking/writing/Photoshopping Saints related material.  So again we're tapping the well of "Kevin is a huge nerd with opinions on the most random shit."


Last time out, I wrote about my 32 favorite comic book movies.  This time out, I thought I'd go music instead of movies.  And instead of listing my favorite bands or albums, I thought I'd up the degree of difficulty for myself and get really specific: favorite Pearl Jam lyrics.


"Oh, but Pearl Jam SUCKS, Kevin!" you may be thinking.  To which I would casually respond, "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!!!"  Or something like that.  I love Pearl Jam.  There.  I said it.


"Oh, but Pearl Jam hasn't had a good album since 'Versus', man!"  Uh-huh.  I suppose you also think the E! Channel and Hot Topic are the great purveyors of modern culture.  Where's that "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" meme when I need one?


I tried to pare down some of the lyrics so I wasn't posting entire stanzas of work.  Cause that'd be kinda chickenshit, wouldn't it?  Oh yeah, here's my favorite lyrics, but I'm copping out and using whole paragraphs.  BS.  If I'm posting more than a couple lines, it's because all the lines tie in together via a rhyme or some theme that I feel has to be repeated in order for you, dear reader, to fully grasp its awesomeness.


And by the way, I'm not going to Matt Pinfield this thing up by breaking down just what I think each and every lyric means.  That's like listening to a self-righteous art critic tell you about every painting in the museum and then explaining what (he/she THINKS) the meaning is for every work.


You're getting the lyric, song and album, and maybe if you're really good I'll toss in a YouTube video or five.




RELEASE (Ten)
"Oh, dear Dad
Can you see me now?
I am myself
Like you, somehow"









WISHLIST (Yield)
"I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down."









BLACK (Ten)

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why

Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine"

WASH (Lost Dogs collection)
"Oh please let it rain today.
This city is so filthy, like my mind in ways."









NOT FOR YOU (Vitalogy)
"All that's sacred, comes from youth
Dedication, naive and true."









CORDUROY (Vitalogy)
"Everything has changed, absolutely nothing has changed
Take my hand, not picture, spill my tincture."









I AM MINE (Riot Act)
"I know I was born and I know that I'll die
The in between is mine
I am mine."









BETTER MAN (Vitalogy)
"She dreams in color, she dreams in red."







ELDERLY WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A SMALL TOWN (Vs.)
"I changed by not changing at all."









LIFE WASTED (Pearl Jam [the avocado album])
"I escaped it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again."









WHO YOU ARE (No Code)
"Stop light, plays its part
So I would say you've got a part
What's your part? Who you are"








HAIL HAIL (No Code)
"Are you woman enough to be my man?
Bandaged hand in hand"









DO THE EVOLUTION (Yield)
"I'm at peace with my lust
I can kill cause In God I Trust
It's evolution, baby."









PUSH ME, PULL ME (Yield)
"I'm like an opening band for the sun."









I could probably keep going and post 40 more of these, but I'm tired.  And it's Sunday.  So there.

A teammate's last second plea to Drew Brees...

SCENE: Cafe Du Monde - DAY

(Dozens of people are seated in the Cafe, stuffing their faces with inferior beignets and coffee.  Those that aren't are staring toward a back corner, where Drew Brees is talking with his agent.)

BREES: I feel weird being out in public like this.  I mean, we're a week away from the deadline.

AGENT: Yeah...

BREES: It's like they're undressing me with their eyes or something.

AGENT: Uh-huh, dreadful thing, that.

BREES: Arliss, are you even paying attention to me???

ARLISS: Why sure, my good boy!  I was just admiring a spider that was crawling along the floor over there.  To have THAT many legs is a sure sign of evolutionary superiority!

BREES: Uh, yeah, whatever.  Why do we have to be out here?

ARLISS: My boy, have you not forgotten or potential Jimmy John's deal?  If we play our cards right and can make ourselves visible in the French Quarter, we'll get a sandwich kiosk near Jackson Square.  Ha!  We'll even hire a temperamental fat bearded guy who looks like that schlub from that book everyone around here adores!!!

BREES: You mean 'Confederacy of Dunces'?

ARLISS (slams fist on table): Exactly!  It'll be a hoot!!  These saps will eat that right up, on top of our delicious Jimmy John's sandwiches, of course.  We run the kiosk for a few months, then we goto the city council again and talk about getting a permanent location in the French Quarter!!

BREES: I wish we'd gone to Morning Call, honestly.  And...Shouldn't we at least wait to talk expansion until after our first Jimmy John's opens and is proven successful?  Seems kinda ridiculous to start making future plans when we haven't done anything yet.

ARLISS: Nonsense, my boy!  We must strike whilst the iron is hot!  That's your problem, Drew.  Always waiting to attend to your deals.

BREES: What do you mean?

ARLISS: We could've had this Saints contract business taken care of last year, but no, you didn't want to be aggressive enough in getting one done.  I could've kept pushing them during the season, but you were all, "let's not cause a distraction."  And you thought, "surely, they'll have to give me a great deal!  I won a Super Bowl here and just broke one of the few NFL records people actually give a damn about, so they'll HAVE to reward me."  How's that working out for you?

BREES: Isn't this what I hired you for?

ARLISS: Of course!  And you also hired me to protect the Brees Brand!

BREES: My "brand"?

ARLISS: Absolutely.  I'm going to single-handedly take care of all your needs with this contract.  That's why it's taking so long.

BREES: Yeah, but do we really have to take this to the 11th hour?  The arbitrator ruled in my favor, so we should just get a deal done.  The fans need some really good news to offset everything this offseason...

(Arliss reaches under the table and pulls out a plush.)

ARLISS: Do you see this grave injustice!

BREES: It's a stuffed toy of me.

ARLISS: You?  That's supposed to be you???  How do you expect to be taken seriously and respected when these toy makers can't even get a good likeness of you???

BREES: It's really not that back of a deal, Arliss.  I just want to play football.

ARLISS: See, this is what I'm talking about.  I had to pull you into the sandwich business and now I'm going to have to pull you into the personal branding business.  This is where the big bucks are!

BREES: What's this got to do with my football contract?

ARLISS: We get these toys to actually look like you.  Listen, I know a guy who used to make the old WWF Wrestling Buddies...

BREES: At least they got the birthmark right, Arliss.

ARLISS: Bah!

BREES: And why are we asking for so much money on this contract?  Isn't $100 million over 4 years a little much?

ARLISS: Nonsense.  Do you think my wheelchair will grow mechanical legs on its own?  No, those cost a lot of money.

(A football crashes on the table, sending the coffee and poorly made beignets up into the air and on the floor.)

ARLISS: What the what???

MORSTEAD: Enough!

(Morstead walks over to the table and sets down between Arliss and Brees.)

ARLISS: What is the meaning of this?!?

MORSTEAD: Oh, you hush, you.  Drew, you gotta get this contract thing taken care of!  I came all the way back from vacation home in Kathmandu to plead with you!

BREES: We're working on that, Thomas.  There's a lot of negotiating that has to be handled, certain qualifiers have to be met...

MORSTEAD: Fiddlesticks, Drew!  Fiddlesticks, I say!!  Don't you love it here???  Aren't the fans good to you?

BREES: Well, yeah...

MORSTEAD: And won't they elect you mayor someday down the road?

BREES: Well, sure, but...

MORSTEAD: So sign the deal and stay with us.

ARLISS: Do you have ANY idea what this man is worth on the open market, punter boy?

BREES: Open market?

ARLISS: Sure!  If the Saints don't acquiesce to ALL our demands, you'll sit out for the year and we'll find you another team.


BREES: But I don't want to play for another team.


ARLISS: The Dallas Cowboys would pay you a lot of money...


(Morstead digs into his pocket and pulls out a roll of hundred dollar bills.)


MORSTEAD: Here.


BREES: What's this?


MORSTEAD: My cats got together and raised some cash for you to show how much they care.


BREES: Wait.  Your "cats" got the money?  Or did your CATS get the money?


MORSTEAD: My cats, Drew.  Duh.


BREES: Oooookay.

ARLISS: Drew, send this man away!  We need to draft a statement explaining why you're sitting out for the year...


BREES: No!  Fuck the Dallas Cowboys, fuck Jerry Jones, and fuck you, Mr. Arliss!  I'll get this deal done myself!


(Morstead shoves Arliss' wheelchair into the path of an oncoming horse-drawn carriage.)


MORSTEAD: Way to go, Drew!  C'mon, I'll take you to Morning Call.


BREES: Huzzah!

LATER.... MORSTEAD's APARTMENT - NIGHT

MORSTEAD: Well, that was a close one.  Mr. Drew got on the phone with Mr. Benson and they hashed out a nice contract.

Aren't you glad daddy was able to help, Mew Brees?

MEW: Meow.

Roger Goodell sleeps well at night