NFL Power Rankings (Week 10 - 2010)

Haven't done this in a while, but you know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-8)
31. Detroit Lions (1-8)
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7)
29. Buffalo Bills (1-8)
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6)
27. San Francisco (3-6)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (4-5)
23. Cleveland Browns (3-6)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-5)
21. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)

That's right. The NFC West doesn't get past No. 21 on my list. Speaking of utter disappointments, here's the Green Lantern "teaser" trailer:



This isn't a teaser trailer. Teaser trailers are typically 90 seconds or less. The Batman Begins teaser? 1 minute, 15 seconds. Superman Returns teaser? 90 seconds. Dark Knight teaser? 55 seconds.

And also, this teaser is a train wreck. What's with the big-headed fool with the pornstache? And why does Ryan Reynolds wear a cartoon? And why is Blake Lively pretending to be cardboard?

20. Denver Broncos (3-6)
19. Houston Texans (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4)
16. Chicago Bears (6-4)
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-5)
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4)
12. Tennessee Titans (5-4)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)

Well, here's something interesting, Cowboys & Aliens. It's cowboys. It's aliens. It's James Bond. It's Indiana Jones/Hans Solo. It's intriguing.



10. New York Giants (6-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (6-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
7. New Orleans Saints (6-3)
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) Remember that asshole bandwagon Steelers fan I always tell you about? Well, he got fired from his job today. And because I hold grudges like nobody's fucking business, I celebrated like we skull fucked Iraq in Desert Storm, Part 1.
4. New York Jets (6-3)
3. Philadelphia Eages (7-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (7-2)
1. New England Patriots (7-2)

Left or right? Garrett Hartley gets unwanted pointers

Scene: EXT. empty sugarcane field -- NIGHT

(Garrett Hartley is practicing kicking field goals. He's making some, but he keeps shanking them to the right.)

GARRETT: Damn it! Coach isn't gonna keep me around for long if I can't make consistent kicks... (Garrett lines one up, kicks it wide right.) SHIT!

(Garrett hears something coming behind him from the left.)

GARRETT: Now what? More magical black men?


KEITH: HOW. DARE. YOU. SIR!!!

GARRETT: Huh?

KEITH: This is no ordinary set of circumstances, Mr. Hartley. This is a matter of GRAVE importance. (shuffles papers.) You cannot expect your career to move forward if you keep hitting these kicks to the right!!

GARRETT: Oh, hey, I remember you! I used to watch you on ESPN, like, a decade ago or something! How's Dan Patrick doing?

KEITH: He's fine. Now, about your kicking...

GARRETT: Yes, sir. What do you recommend?

KEITH: Kick left.

GARRETT: Aim for the left post?


KEITH: No. I mean...AIM. LEFT. You'll never move forward if you're kicking to the right. Line up perpendicular to the ball, and kick it to the left.

GARRETT: Okay...you mean into the stands?

KEITH: Exactly!!

GARRETT: I don't see how that'll help me make field goals...

KEITH: Do you want to make FIELD GOALS or do you want to make a STATEMENT?!?

GARRETT: Uh...


GLENN: Don't answer that!!!

KEITH: Aw, Christ!

GLENN: Don't let this fascist Marxist tell you what to do...LET ME DO THAT!

(Garrett Hartley face palm.)

GARRETT: Do I have to?

GLENN: What are you, Garrett? A socialist sympathizer? Why do you hate freedom?

KEITH: Erroneous! Erroneous, I tell you!!

GARRETT: What do you suggest, sir?

GLENN: You should keep aiming to the right, duh!!!!

GARRETT: Yeah, but that isn't working...

GLENN: Don't tell me it isn't working!!! What are you, some kinda one-man splinter cell?!?

GARRETT: You're nuts.


GLENN: Look, Garrett, your name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant, MY name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant. Who you gonna trust? By the way, can I interest you in some over-priced gold coins for the coming apocalypse?

GARRETT: Unbelievable...to hell with both of you, I'll aim for between the uprights, thank you very much.

KEITH: What, you mean, like, "the middle?"

GLENN: What the hell kinda tactic is that?!?

(Garrett walks away, leaving Keith and Glenn standing chest to chest, huffing and puffing at one another.)

KEITH: Glenn, I've always meant to ask you something.

GLENN: What is it?

KEITH: Why hock gold? I mean, in the apocalypse, won't gold be made irrelevant?

GLENN: You NEED a currency, fool! How else will capitalism flourish?!?

KEITH: Yeah, I get the whole exchange for goods and services, but why stockpile gold? Why not guns? After all, if I've got a gun, and all you've got is gold, it stands to reason...

(Glenn jams his thumbs in his ears.)


GLENN: I'm not listening! I'm not listening!! I'm not listening!!!

Sooner or later, he'd gonna cut ya down...

Had to bust out the Photoshop skills to show you assholes I hadn't disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I'm worried, but not, you know...worried

Colt McCoy, ladies and gents!

NFL Power Rankings (Week 6 -2010)

Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth. Want to know why I'm so late? Get to No. 1 on this list.

And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."



32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)

I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...


20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)

Uh, I likes 'em classy?


10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.

BONUS!!!

NFL Power Rankings (Week 5 - 2010)

Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth.

MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson


32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?

JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!


20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...


10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)

BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.

Brett Favre's junk!!!

Don't ask me how, but I've obtained these incredible pics of Brett Favre's junk and knew I just had to share them with you.

Let me be your one stop shop for photos of Brett Favre's junk!!!

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here. We. Go!!







Here's a pictures of Brett Favre's junk in the South China Seas:



And here's a picture of Brett Favre's junk at home in Kiln, Mississippi:



And here's where Brett Favre's junk can be found:

Bang, Bang Maxwell (Hall)

NFL Power Rankings (Week 4 - 2010)

Dave point out last week that I neglected to put any extras in my power rankings post last, particularly the lack of pics of hot women. Well, I'll bring some heat this time out.



32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)



20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)



10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)

Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.



Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.

Fixing Garrett Hartley's swing

Scene: EXT. An empty sugarcane field in Southern Louisiana - NIGHT

Hartley is practicing field goal kicks in the middle of the night by lantern light. He shanks another "ugly duck" to the left.


GARRETT: Shit!

Hartley grabs another football and sets it up in the holder. He backs up, finds his footing, charges forward and...shanks it yet again.

GARRETT: Christ on a crutch, come on!!

Hartley grabs another football and goes to set it up when he hears something up ahead in the darkness.

GARRETT: Hello? Hello?

Hartley grabs the lantern and holds it up to get a better look.

GARRETT: Hello???

Suddenly, a man in an old brown suit, carrying a sack of original pigskin footballs, emerges from the darkness, like a ghostly apparition.


BAGGAR: Why hello there, sir.

GARRETT: Are you crazy? Walking out there in front of me like that? You could've gotten a concussion if one of those balls hit you in the head!

BAGGAR: Two things. First, the way you been a shankapotomus lately, I figured approaching you direct like was my best course of action. And second, you ain't dropping bombs like Thomas Morstead. That boy can bomb those kicks. He's got the touch.

GARRETT: Gee, thanks, guy.

The black dude with the nice hat puts the bag down and extends his hand.

BAGGAR: Baggar Vance's my name.

Hartley shakes Baggar's hand.

GARRETT: Lemme guess: kicking footballs is your game?

Baggar tilts his head to the side and grins, real folksy like.

BAGGAR: You done lost your swing, sir.

GARRETT: Yeah.

BAGGAR: A man's grip on his club leg bone's like the grip on his world.

GARRETT: Wait, what?


BAGGAR: You suck something fierce lately, Mr. Hartley.

GARRETT: (exasperated sigh) I know. Do you mind, though?

Bagger steps back while Hartley lines up another kick. He approaches, kicks and...WIDE! The black man with the perfectly magical stubble tucks his hands in his pockets and smiles. Always smiling. Always.

BAGGAR: A suggestion, Mr. Hartley. You got lady problems? Are you boozing it up all the time? Did ya become discombobulated after personally witnessing the horrors of World War I?

GARRETT: Huh?

BAGGAR: Well, sir, whenever I see a man with obvious athletic problems, it usually turns out to be lady issues...

GARRETT: Uh, no, Baggar. Ladies are not the problem. I was born only in 1986, so I'm not old enough to have been in World War I, and I only dine on "boat drinks" in the off-season. I just keep shanking these damn field goal kicks.

BAGGAR: Would it help if I stood out to the left, real quite like? And maybe whispered more folksy sayins that don't make sense at first but have an extraordinary connection with the human condition when you REALLY pay attention to 'em?


GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Well, sir, I got a friend that might be better able to help...

Baggar puts his hand to his ear as Garrett hears several large steps coming his way.

GARRETT: Whoa...



COFFEY: Name's John Coffey, boss. Like the drink, only not spelt the same.

Garrett does the face palm and shakes his head.

GARRETT: God help me.

COFFEY: Dat's why I'm here, boss.

BAGGAR: We're here to help you, Mr. Hartley.

GARRETT: What are you doing, John Coffey?!?

Coffey puts his big hands on Garrett's kicking leg.

COFFEY: Trying to take the hurt outta there, boss.

GARRETT: Well, you're hurting me, John. So stop it, please.

Coffey lets go of Hartley's leg.

COFFEY: Usually I spit up bugs, boss. Weren't none in there this time.

GARRETT: I know. Cause my leg isn't infested with gnats, John Coffey! I'm just shanking field goals. I don't have a troubled groin or anything!

COFFEY: Do you need me to fix ya head?

Coffey goes to put his hands around Hartley's tiny head, but the kicker brushes them away.

GARRETT: Oh, get away from me! I don't need some magical help!!

BAGGAR: You need us to call Morgan Freeman?

GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Danny Glover?

GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Blair Underwood?

GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Uh, (rubs chin) what's his name? Um, the guy who looks like Mr. Coffey here, but isn't?

GARRETT: Ving Rhames?

BAGGAR: Yeah, what about him?

GARRETT: No! I don't need help from people with magical powers. I make my own destiny.

COFFEY: Then who can help you, boss?

GARRETT: Good question. Well, I'm sure the good Lord will provide me with the proper help.

EXT. OLD FOLK'S HOME -- NIGHT

A nurse's assistant runs through the hallways, trying to find a particular room.

NURSE: John! John! John, where are you?!?

The nurse finds room 333 and walks in.

NURSE: Sir, the Saints need you to come back to New Orleans and take kicking duties while Garrett Hartley gets his mind right.


THE CARNEY: Huh? What's that, you say? Speak up!!!

NURSE: Oh fuck, our special teams are in trouble....

NFL Power Rankings (Week 3 - 2010)

I've got little time to put this thing together, but long story short: this is how I think things would shake down if the teams met on a neutral site. I'm trying to base this off of this year's performances and not on reputation or past performance.

32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)

Trap game? Not on my watch...

EXT. SAINTS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

(Sean Payton is seated in his coaching war room with Drew Brees and Jonathan Vilma.)


VILMA: Coach, we been at this for hours on end! It's 4 a.m., we need to get some sleep before getting on that plane to Frisco!

BREES: Jonathan's right, Coach. We've been running drills and watching game film almost 18 hours everyday. Don't you think that...


PAYTON: Guys, do you want everyone to keep writing you off?!?!?

VILMA & BREES: No, sir.

PAYTON: That's right! Cause everyone WILL keep on underestimating us if we ever give them an opportunity!!! You want Jaws and Schlerath to say we didn't deserve to be Super Bowl champions?

BREES: To be honest, Coach, I kinda don't care what any asshole on TV thinks...

PAYTON: WRONG! Wrong-wrong-wrong!!! Everyone thinks this is a trap game for us, like we're going to overlook the 49ers or something!!


BREES: Coach, Vilma and I know better than to look past any opponent. Shoot, I learned that watching "Road House."

VILMA: Yeah, what Drew sa-wait a second....You watched "Road House," Drew?

BREES: Shockey let me borrow one of his copies.

VILMA: Copies?

BREES: He's got, like, 12 of them. Some unopened and autographed by Ben Gazzara. It's weird.

VILMA: You right about that...


PAYTON: Enough! Now I've gone to great expense to get a guest speaker for you two. (Payton pushes button on his desk.) Send him in.

(Vilma and Brees turn around...)



VILMA: What the fuck is that?!?

PAYTON: Don't you know anything, Vilma?!? This is Admiral Ackbar! A member of the Mon Calamari race and leader of the Rebel Alliance's fleet! Christ almighty, Vilma, don't you watch TV or read the news?!?

BREES: So...it's a squid?

PAYTON: Yeah, sorta. Admiral, what are your words of advice for these guys?

(Admiral Ackbar paces about the room, hands flippers behind his back. He quickly spins around and looks at Brees and Vilma.)


ACKBAR: IT'S A TRAP!!!

(Vilma gasps. Brees is unimpressed.)

BREES: Okay...how so?

ACKBAR: (thinks to himself) Uh...IT'S A TRAP!!!

BREES: Yeah, uh, again...how so?

PAYTON: Drew, the Admiral wants to remind you not to sleep on the 49ers...

ACKBAR: THAT'S A NAP!!!


BREES: Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for the inspiring words, Admiral, but I've got to get home pack my carry on.

ACKBAR: TAKE A MAP!!!

(Brees leaves, shaking his head.)

PAYTON: What do you think, Vilma?

VILMA: I don't know, Coach? Yo, Admiral, what's your favorite movie?

ACKBAR: SPINAL TAP!!!

VILMA: And your least favorite movie?

ACKBAR: BAPPS!!!

VILMA: You got a least favorite singer?

ACKBAR: SCOTT STAPP!!!

VILMA: Right, right...Do you have any pregame rituals you'd recommend?


ACKBAR: TAKE A CRAP!!!

VILMA: Alright, I see where this one is going, I'm gonna hit the showers before hitting the road.

ACKBAR: BRING A SHOWER CAP!!!

PAYTON: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. You've been a big help. Can I take you anywhere?

ACKBAR: TO THE GAP!!!

(End scene.)