Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 6 -2010)
Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth. Want to know why I'm so late? Get to No. 1 on this list.
And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."
32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...
20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
Uh, I likes 'em classy?
10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.
BONUS!!!
And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."
32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...
20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
Uh, I likes 'em classy?
10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.
BONUS!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 5 - 2010)
Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth.
MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?
JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.
KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)
BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.
MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?
JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.
KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)
BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Brett Favre's junk!!!
Don't ask me how, but I've obtained these incredible pics of Brett Favre's junk and knew I just had to share them with you.
Let me be your one stop shop for photos of Brett Favre's junk!!!
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
Here. We. Go!!
Here's a pictures of Brett Favre's junk in the South China Seas:
And here's a picture of Brett Favre's junk at home in Kiln, Mississippi:
And here's where Brett Favre's junk can be found:
Let me be your one stop shop for photos of Brett Favre's junk!!!
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
Here. We. Go!!
Here's a pictures of Brett Favre's junk in the South China Seas:
And here's a picture of Brett Favre's junk at home in Kiln, Mississippi:
And here's where Brett Favre's junk can be found:
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 4 - 2010)
Dave point out last week that I neglected to put any extras in my power rankings post last, particularly the lack of pics of hot women. Well, I'll bring some heat this time out.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)
10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.
Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)
10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.
Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Fixing Garrett Hartley's swing
Scene: EXT. An empty sugarcane field in Southern Louisiana - NIGHT
Hartley is practicing field goal kicks in the middle of the night by lantern light. He shanks another "ugly duck" to the left.
GARRETT: Shit!
Hartley grabs another football and sets it up in the holder. He backs up, finds his footing, charges forward and...shanks it yet again.
GARRETT: Christ on a crutch, come on!!
Hartley grabs another football and goes to set it up when he hears something up ahead in the darkness.
GARRETT: Hello? Hello?
Hartley grabs the lantern and holds it up to get a better look.
GARRETT: Hello???
Suddenly, a man in an old brown suit, carrying a sack of original pigskin footballs, emerges from the darkness, like a ghostly apparition.
BAGGAR: Why hello there, sir.
GARRETT: Are you crazy? Walking out there in front of me like that? You could've gotten a concussion if one of those balls hit you in the head!
BAGGAR: Two things. First, the way you been a shankapotomus lately, I figured approaching you direct like was my best course of action. And second, you ain't dropping bombs like Thomas Morstead. That boy can bomb those kicks. He's got the touch.
GARRETT: Gee, thanks, guy.
The black dude with the nice hat puts the bag down and extends his hand.
BAGGAR: Baggar Vance's my name.
Hartley shakes Baggar's hand.
GARRETT: Lemme guess: kicking footballs is your game?
Baggar tilts his head to the side and grins, real folksy like.
BAGGAR: You done lost your swing, sir.
GARRETT: Yeah.
BAGGAR: A man's grip on hisclub leg bone's like the grip on his world.
GARRETT: Wait, what?
BAGGAR: You suck something fierce lately, Mr. Hartley.
GARRETT: (exasperated sigh) I know. Do you mind, though?
Bagger steps back while Hartley lines up another kick. He approaches, kicks and...WIDE! The black man with the perfectly magical stubble tucks his hands in his pockets and smiles. Always smiling. Always.
BAGGAR: A suggestion, Mr. Hartley. You got lady problems? Are you boozing it up all the time? Did ya become discombobulated after personally witnessing the horrors of World War I?
GARRETT: Huh?
BAGGAR: Well, sir, whenever I see a man with obvious athletic problems, it usually turns out to be lady issues...
GARRETT: Uh, no, Baggar. Ladies are not the problem. I was born only in 1986, so I'm not old enough to have been in World War I, and I only dine on "boat drinks" in the off-season. I just keep shanking these damn field goal kicks.
BAGGAR: Would it help if I stood out to the left, real quite like? And maybe whispered more folksy sayins that don't make sense at first but have an extraordinary connection with the human condition when you REALLY pay attention to 'em?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Well, sir, I got a friend that might be better able to help...
Baggar puts his hand to his ear as Garrett hears several large steps coming his way.
GARRETT: Whoa...
COFFEY: Name's John Coffey, boss. Like the drink, only not spelt the same.
Garrett does the face palm and shakes his head.
GARRETT: God help me.
COFFEY: Dat's why I'm here, boss.
BAGGAR: We're here to help you, Mr. Hartley.
GARRETT: What are you doing, John Coffey?!?
Coffey puts his big hands on Garrett's kicking leg.
COFFEY: Trying to take the hurt outta there, boss.
GARRETT: Well, you're hurting me, John. So stop it, please.
Coffey lets go of Hartley's leg.
COFFEY: Usually I spit up bugs, boss. Weren't none in there this time.
GARRETT: I know. Cause my leg isn't infested with gnats, John Coffey! I'm just shanking field goals. I don't have a troubled groin or anything!
COFFEY: Do you need me to fix ya head?
Coffey goes to put his hands around Hartley's tiny head, but the kicker brushes them away.
GARRETT: Oh, get away from me! I don't need some magical help!!
BAGGAR: You need us to call Morgan Freeman?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Danny Glover?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Blair Underwood?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Uh, (rubs chin) what's his name? Um, the guy who looks like Mr. Coffey here, but isn't?
GARRETT: Ving Rhames?
BAGGAR: Yeah, what about him?
GARRETT: No! I don't need help from people with magical powers. I make my own destiny.
COFFEY: Then who can help you, boss?
GARRETT: Good question. Well, I'm sure the good Lord will provide me with the proper help.
EXT. OLD FOLK'S HOME -- NIGHT
A nurse's assistant runs through the hallways, trying to find a particular room.
NURSE: John! John! John, where are you?!?
The nurse finds room 333 and walks in.
NURSE: Sir, the Saints need you to come back to New Orleans and take kicking duties while Garrett Hartley gets his mind right.
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THE CARNEY: Huh? What's that, you say? Speak up!!!
NURSE: Oh fuck, our special teams are in trouble....
Hartley is practicing field goal kicks in the middle of the night by lantern light. He shanks another "ugly duck" to the left.
GARRETT: Shit!
Hartley grabs another football and sets it up in the holder. He backs up, finds his footing, charges forward and...shanks it yet again.
GARRETT: Christ on a crutch, come on!!
Hartley grabs another football and goes to set it up when he hears something up ahead in the darkness.
GARRETT: Hello? Hello?
Hartley grabs the lantern and holds it up to get a better look.
GARRETT: Hello???
Suddenly, a man in an old brown suit, carrying a sack of original pigskin footballs, emerges from the darkness, like a ghostly apparition.
BAGGAR: Why hello there, sir.
GARRETT: Are you crazy? Walking out there in front of me like that? You could've gotten a concussion if one of those balls hit you in the head!
BAGGAR: Two things. First, the way you been a shankapotomus lately, I figured approaching you direct like was my best course of action. And second, you ain't dropping bombs like Thomas Morstead. That boy can bomb those kicks. He's got the touch.
GARRETT: Gee, thanks, guy.
The black dude with the nice hat puts the bag down and extends his hand.
BAGGAR: Baggar Vance's my name.
Hartley shakes Baggar's hand.
GARRETT: Lemme guess: kicking footballs is your game?
Baggar tilts his head to the side and grins, real folksy like.
BAGGAR: You done lost your swing, sir.
GARRETT: Yeah.
BAGGAR: A man's grip on his
GARRETT: Wait, what?
BAGGAR: You suck something fierce lately, Mr. Hartley.
GARRETT: (exasperated sigh) I know. Do you mind, though?
Bagger steps back while Hartley lines up another kick. He approaches, kicks and...WIDE! The black man with the perfectly magical stubble tucks his hands in his pockets and smiles. Always smiling. Always.
BAGGAR: A suggestion, Mr. Hartley. You got lady problems? Are you boozing it up all the time? Did ya become discombobulated after personally witnessing the horrors of World War I?
GARRETT: Huh?
BAGGAR: Well, sir, whenever I see a man with obvious athletic problems, it usually turns out to be lady issues...
GARRETT: Uh, no, Baggar. Ladies are not the problem. I was born only in 1986, so I'm not old enough to have been in World War I, and I only dine on "boat drinks" in the off-season. I just keep shanking these damn field goal kicks.
BAGGAR: Would it help if I stood out to the left, real quite like? And maybe whispered more folksy sayins that don't make sense at first but have an extraordinary connection with the human condition when you REALLY pay attention to 'em?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Well, sir, I got a friend that might be better able to help...
Baggar puts his hand to his ear as Garrett hears several large steps coming his way.
GARRETT: Whoa...
COFFEY: Name's John Coffey, boss. Like the drink, only not spelt the same.
Garrett does the face palm and shakes his head.
GARRETT: God help me.
COFFEY: Dat's why I'm here, boss.
BAGGAR: We're here to help you, Mr. Hartley.
GARRETT: What are you doing, John Coffey?!?
Coffey puts his big hands on Garrett's kicking leg.
COFFEY: Trying to take the hurt outta there, boss.
GARRETT: Well, you're hurting me, John. So stop it, please.
Coffey lets go of Hartley's leg.
COFFEY: Usually I spit up bugs, boss. Weren't none in there this time.
GARRETT: I know. Cause my leg isn't infested with gnats, John Coffey! I'm just shanking field goals. I don't have a troubled groin or anything!
COFFEY: Do you need me to fix ya head?
Coffey goes to put his hands around Hartley's tiny head, but the kicker brushes them away.
GARRETT: Oh, get away from me! I don't need some magical help!!
BAGGAR: You need us to call Morgan Freeman?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Danny Glover?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Blair Underwood?
GARRETT: No!
BAGGAR: Uh, (rubs chin) what's his name? Um, the guy who looks like Mr. Coffey here, but isn't?
GARRETT: Ving Rhames?
BAGGAR: Yeah, what about him?
GARRETT: No! I don't need help from people with magical powers. I make my own destiny.
COFFEY: Then who can help you, boss?
GARRETT: Good question. Well, I'm sure the good Lord will provide me with the proper help.
EXT. OLD FOLK'S HOME -- NIGHT
A nurse's assistant runs through the hallways, trying to find a particular room.
NURSE: John! John! John, where are you?!?
The nurse finds room 333 and walks in.
NURSE: Sir, the Saints need you to come back to New Orleans and take kicking duties while Garrett Hartley gets his mind right.
.jpg)
THE CARNEY: Huh? What's that, you say? Speak up!!!
NURSE: Oh fuck, our special teams are in trouble....
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 3 - 2010)
I've got little time to put this thing together, but long story short: this is how I think things would shake down if the teams met on a neutral site. I'm trying to base this off of this year's performances and not on reputation or past performance.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)
32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Trap game? Not on my watch...
EXT. SAINTS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
(Sean Payton is seated in his coaching war room with Drew Brees and Jonathan Vilma.)
VILMA: Coach, we been at this for hours on end! It's 4 a.m., we need to get some sleep before getting on that plane to Frisco!
BREES: Jonathan's right, Coach. We've been running drills and watching game film almost 18 hours everyday. Don't you think that...
PAYTON: Guys, do you want everyone to keep writing you off?!?!?
VILMA & BREES: No, sir.
PAYTON: That's right! Cause everyone WILL keep on underestimating us if we ever give them an opportunity!!! You want Jaws and Schlerath to say we didn't deserve to be Super Bowl champions?
BREES: To be honest, Coach, I kinda don't care what any asshole on TV thinks...
PAYTON: WRONG! Wrong-wrong-wrong!!! Everyone thinks this is a trap game for us, like we're going to overlook the 49ers or something!!
BREES: Coach, Vilma and I know better than to look past any opponent. Shoot, I learned that watching "Road House."
VILMA: Yeah, what Drew sa-wait a second....You watched "Road House," Drew?
BREES: Shockey let me borrow one of his copies.
VILMA: Copies?
BREES: He's got, like, 12 of them. Some unopened and autographed by Ben Gazzara. It's weird.
VILMA: You right about that...
PAYTON: Enough! Now I've gone to great expense to get a guest speaker for you two. (Payton pushes button on his desk.) Send him in.
(Vilma and Brees turn around...)
VILMA: What the fuck is that?!?
PAYTON: Don't you know anything, Vilma?!? This is Admiral Ackbar! A member of the Mon Calamari race and leader of the Rebel Alliance's fleet! Christ almighty, Vilma, don't you watch TV or read the news?!?
BREES: So...it's a squid?
PAYTON: Yeah, sorta. Admiral, what are your words of advice for these guys?
(Admiral Ackbar paces about the room,hands flippers behind his back. He quickly spins around and looks at Brees and Vilma.)
ACKBAR: IT'S A TRAP!!!
(Vilma gasps. Brees is unimpressed.)
BREES: Okay...how so?
ACKBAR: (thinks to himself) Uh...IT'S A TRAP!!!
BREES: Yeah, uh, again...how so?
PAYTON: Drew, the Admiral wants to remind you not to sleep on the 49ers...
ACKBAR: THAT'S A NAP!!!
BREES: Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for the inspiring words, Admiral, but I've got to get home pack my carry on.
ACKBAR: TAKE A MAP!!!
(Brees leaves, shaking his head.)
PAYTON: What do you think, Vilma?
VILMA: I don't know, Coach? Yo, Admiral, what's your favorite movie?
ACKBAR: SPINAL TAP!!!
VILMA: And your least favorite movie?
ACKBAR: BAPPS!!!
VILMA: You got a least favorite singer?
ACKBAR: SCOTT STAPP!!!
VILMA: Right, right...Do you have any pregame rituals you'd recommend?
ACKBAR: TAKE A CRAP!!!
VILMA: Alright, I see where this one is going, I'm gonna hit the showers before hitting the road.
ACKBAR: BRING A SHOWER CAP!!!
PAYTON: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. You've been a big help. Can I take you anywhere?
ACKBAR: TO THE GAP!!!
(End scene.)
(Sean Payton is seated in his coaching war room with Drew Brees and Jonathan Vilma.)
VILMA: Coach, we been at this for hours on end! It's 4 a.m., we need to get some sleep before getting on that plane to Frisco!
BREES: Jonathan's right, Coach. We've been running drills and watching game film almost 18 hours everyday. Don't you think that...
PAYTON: Guys, do you want everyone to keep writing you off?!?!?
VILMA & BREES: No, sir.
PAYTON: That's right! Cause everyone WILL keep on underestimating us if we ever give them an opportunity!!! You want Jaws and Schlerath to say we didn't deserve to be Super Bowl champions?
BREES: To be honest, Coach, I kinda don't care what any asshole on TV thinks...
PAYTON: WRONG! Wrong-wrong-wrong!!! Everyone thinks this is a trap game for us, like we're going to overlook the 49ers or something!!
BREES: Coach, Vilma and I know better than to look past any opponent. Shoot, I learned that watching "Road House."
VILMA: Yeah, what Drew sa-wait a second....You watched "Road House," Drew?
BREES: Shockey let me borrow one of his copies.
VILMA: Copies?
BREES: He's got, like, 12 of them. Some unopened and autographed by Ben Gazzara. It's weird.
VILMA: You right about that...
PAYTON: Enough! Now I've gone to great expense to get a guest speaker for you two. (Payton pushes button on his desk.) Send him in.
(Vilma and Brees turn around...)
VILMA: What the fuck is that?!?
PAYTON: Don't you know anything, Vilma?!? This is Admiral Ackbar! A member of the Mon Calamari race and leader of the Rebel Alliance's fleet! Christ almighty, Vilma, don't you watch TV or read the news?!?
BREES: So...it's a squid?
PAYTON: Yeah, sorta. Admiral, what are your words of advice for these guys?
(Admiral Ackbar paces about the room,
ACKBAR: IT'S A TRAP!!!
(Vilma gasps. Brees is unimpressed.)
BREES: Okay...how so?
ACKBAR: (thinks to himself) Uh...IT'S A TRAP!!!
BREES: Yeah, uh, again...how so?
PAYTON: Drew, the Admiral wants to remind you not to sleep on the 49ers...
ACKBAR: THAT'S A NAP!!!
BREES: Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for the inspiring words, Admiral, but I've got to get home pack my carry on.
ACKBAR: TAKE A MAP!!!
(Brees leaves, shaking his head.)
PAYTON: What do you think, Vilma?
VILMA: I don't know, Coach? Yo, Admiral, what's your favorite movie?
ACKBAR: SPINAL TAP!!!
VILMA: And your least favorite movie?
ACKBAR: BAPPS!!!
VILMA: You got a least favorite singer?
ACKBAR: SCOTT STAPP!!!
VILMA: Right, right...Do you have any pregame rituals you'd recommend?
ACKBAR: TAKE A CRAP!!!
VILMA: Alright, I see where this one is going, I'm gonna hit the showers before hitting the road.
ACKBAR: BRING A SHOWER CAP!!!
PAYTON: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. You've been a big help. Can I take you anywhere?
ACKBAR: TO THE GAP!!!
(End scene.)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Return of "Schmuck of the Week!"
Back when I used to write for a certain news station in the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area, I wanted to come up with a way bust people's balls for doing asinine things in the world of sports. Obviously, I didn't care enough to write 600 words on JUST Big Ben being an idiot for not wearing a helmet that time he got into a motorcycle accident. I wanted to get in, do my damage, and get out. Since there will never be a shortage of jackassery in sports, I figured I had a readymade column to turn in on a weekly basis. I even had a name for it: Schmuck of the Week.
Schmuck of the Week ran for only four or five entries, though. Why? I go to work one day and my supervisor/department head tells me, "Kevin, you can't call it 'Schmuck of the Week' anymore. (So-so) says 'schmuck' means 'penis' in Yiddish and we can't have that on our website."
I took it in stride.
"Are you fucking kidding me, (name redacted)?!? This is bullshit!"
I attempted to argue that schmuck had taken on other meanings in modern American society, like "fool," "idiot," "someone who is asinine," etc. That didn't work. I think I called it something else for one week and stopped it entirely. If I couldn't call it Schmuck of the Week, especially if it was due to some bullshit complaint by a coworker, then why bother writing it? There's principalities in this!!
So now that I've had this blog thing running for a couple years, it occurred to me, "why not dust off the old bit?" But Kevin, you're probably saying, you run a blog now. Why not call it something more vulgar, like "Fucking fuckhead of the Week?" No, that's not the point. Schmuck of the Week is what I was denied calling it, so Schmuck of the Week is what I WILL call it, now and forever.
Here's how it works: if somebody in the sports world acts like a jackass, says something asinine, does something that causes the rest of us to face palm, then they are eligible to be included in this group. Like the old column, I don't really decide on a winner, per say; all these jackasses are winners in their own right and deserve a fair share of the spite spotlight.
Here goes nothing....
Chris Berman's mustache
Super Mario called...what'd you do with Princess Toadstool?!?
Ines Sainz...and everyone else
I'm not saying this woman "had it coming" or "deserved it." Nope. That'd make ME the asshole. However, what Hottie McHotTits over here needs to understand (if she didn't before) is that you cannot legitimately claim to be a professional sports reporter and dress like that. Go work for Extra or E! or some shit if you want to dress like that. In the same breath, you don't need to wear a potato sack, either. You're a hot ass lady; you can wear many, many things without looking like you're about to hit up a singles bar in Miami Beach.
Oh well, at least we got an awesome Fake Rex Ryan post over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.
Reggie Bush
Reggie, I'll defend you when people say you're a bust. Hell, I'm even willing to overlook that goddamn "Bush Push" when you and Matt Leinart screwed Notre Dame out of a win back in 2005. All because you play for the Black and Gold. But I cannot abide you returning the Heisman Trophy and saying you didn't want to be a distraction to the team one day and another day say, "Now this isn't an admission of guilt." Really? Really, Reggie?!? I can maybe see where you're coming from when you first said you didn't want to be a distraction. But you really missed an opportunity to come clean and make a point about the NCAA's rules.
NFL referees
His hate is strong. If I were a Lions fan, you'd better believe I would have busted that out on some kind of internet radio postgame show. We've now at the point where some fools are starting to blame Calvin Johnson, even after admitting the rule itself needs revising (I'm looking at YOU, Bill Simmons). You know what? Megatron doesn't need to apologize for jack shit. And I heard the NFL was happy as a pig in shit when they heard about this, and they were pleased to come down in support oft the official for making the right call.
And all these goobers in the national sports media keep siting some rule about 'going to the ground' and say the officials were within their right to wave off the touchdown. Guess what, assholes? Jason Lisk over at The Big Lead cracked open the rule book, too. He found rules and bylaws RIGHT NEXT TO THE BULLSHIT RULE that says it could've been ruled a touchdown. So fuck you, the refs, the league and any Chicago Bears fan who doesn't man up and admit that they rightfully should have lost that game.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saints 2010 Regular Season Prediction
I'm already on record with "11-5." Now's the part where I get specific on how they reach 11-5 and win the division. Reminder: I'm not doing playoff predictions. I'm only predicting that the Saints will make the postseason, like last year. What they do from there is totally lagniappe.
1. Minnesota Vikings (W 30-24) (Ed. note: That's what I said on the radio show.)
2. @San Francisco 49ers (L 23-17)
3. Atlanta Falcons (W 28-17)
4. Carolina Panthers (W 30-20)
5. @Arizona Cardinals (W 24-13)
6. @Tampa Bay Bucs (W 27-14)
7. Cleveland Browns (W 45-24)
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (W 42-9) FUCK YOU BANDWAGON STEELERS FAN!!!!
9. @Carolina Panthers (L 20-17)
10. Seattle Seahawks (W 28-14)
11. @Dallas Cowboys (L 24-20)
12. @Cincinnati Bengals (W 20-9)
13. St. Louis Rams (W 34-15)
14. @Baltimore Ravens (L 17-14)
15. @Atlanta Falcons (L 27-24)
16. Tampa Bay Bucs (W 34-10)
1. Minnesota Vikings (W 30-24) (Ed. note: That's what I said on the radio show.)
2. @San Francisco 49ers (L 23-17)
3. Atlanta Falcons (W 28-17)
4. Carolina Panthers (W 30-20)
5. @Arizona Cardinals (W 24-13)
6. @Tampa Bay Bucs (W 27-14)
7. Cleveland Browns (W 45-24)
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (W 42-9) FUCK YOU BANDWAGON STEELERS FAN!!!!
9. @Carolina Panthers (L 20-17)
10. Seattle Seahawks (W 28-14)
11. @Dallas Cowboys (L 24-20)
12. @Cincinnati Bengals (W 20-9)
13. St. Louis Rams (W 34-15)
14. @Baltimore Ravens (L 17-14)
15. @Atlanta Falcons (L 27-24)
16. Tampa Bay Bucs (W 34-10)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
NFL Predictions, Division by Division (2010)
Look, I'm not vetting this stuff like I used to, game-by-game, cross-referenced with every other schedule, to ensure that I'm getting all these numbers correct. So I'm just predicting what I think the following teams' records will be at the end of the (soon-to-be two games longer, God willing) regular season. I'll throw some notes down for some teams. And no, this is NOT the power rankings. Like years past, I will NOT do that until after week 3. I hate college preseason polls.
AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots (11-5)
2. Miami Dolphins* (9-7)
3. New York Jets (8-8) Look, these guys went 9-7 last year and were LUCKY to even be in the postseason. And they DIDN'T win the division, either! I don't buy these guys as world beaters with Mark Sanchez at quarterback. Sorry.
4.Toronto Buffalo Bills (5-11)
AFC WEST
1. San Diego Chargers (10-6) No Vincent Jackson? Rookie running back? Uh, no 11+ win season.
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland Raiders (5-11) I made this prediction on The Big Lead and I'll share it with you now: If the Raiders make the postseason, I will allow somebody to nail me in the head with a cookie sheet, tape it, and put it on the internet. Yes, this would be highly embarrassing and probably eliminate me from all future presidential contention. But the Raiders aren't making the playoffs, so I've got nothing to worry about.
AFC NORTH
1. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) Come on, Joe Flacco, you uni-browed bad ass! I've got you in my fantasy league!!
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) Pittsburgh is not making the postseason. Sorry, fat asshole who jumped on the bandwagon back in the 70s.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)
4. Cleveland Browns (6-10) Jon Gruden, line one...
AFC SOUTH
1. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) It's Peyton Manning. Of COURSE he's going to win 12 again. And Jim Caldwell will undoubtedly do something utterly stupid during the regular season. Guy's got the Kathleen Blanco "what am I gonna do?" look on the sidelines AT ALL TIMES.
2. Houston Texas* (9-7) These guys are going to make us all right someday...Like the Washington Generals are BOUND to win one, right?
3. Tennessee Titans (8-8) Vincent Young regresses. Jeff Fisher stays in place.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)
NFC EAST
1. Dallas Cowboys (10-6) They're not as great as everyone is making them out to be. And yet I've got them going to the playoffs. Go figure.
2. New York Giants* (10-6)
3. Washington Redskins (8-8)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)
NFC WEST
1. San Francisco 49ers (8-8) This is just wishful thinking. I'm so rooting for a team to finish .500 and still WIN their division. This needs to happen.
2. Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
3. St. Louis Rams (5-11) I can't believe I'm saying this, but: if Sam Bradford doesn't die behind that crappy O-Line, he'll give a lot of hope to the forty-five football fans in town.
4. Arizona Cardinals (4-12) The year after Kurt Warner leaves, the wheels officially come off.
NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay Packers (12- 4)
2. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)
3. Detroit Lions (6-10) Dude in my fantasy league paid out the ass for Jahvid Best. Like 30 bucks. Crazy. Then again, I paid $21 for Beanie Wells, so I have little room to talk.
4. Chicago Bears (5-10)
NFC SOUTH
1. New Orleans Saints (11-5)
2. Atlanta Falcons* (10-6) The Falcons will be decidedly friskier in 2010.
3. Carolina Panthers (7-9)
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots (11-5)
2. Miami Dolphins* (9-7)
3. New York Jets (8-8) Look, these guys went 9-7 last year and were LUCKY to even be in the postseason. And they DIDN'T win the division, either! I don't buy these guys as world beaters with Mark Sanchez at quarterback. Sorry.
4.
AFC WEST
1. San Diego Chargers (10-6) No Vincent Jackson? Rookie running back? Uh, no 11+ win season.
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland Raiders (5-11) I made this prediction on The Big Lead and I'll share it with you now: If the Raiders make the postseason, I will allow somebody to nail me in the head with a cookie sheet, tape it, and put it on the internet. Yes, this would be highly embarrassing and probably eliminate me from all future presidential contention. But the Raiders aren't making the playoffs, so I've got nothing to worry about.
AFC NORTH
1. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) Come on, Joe Flacco, you uni-browed bad ass! I've got you in my fantasy league!!
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) Pittsburgh is not making the postseason. Sorry, fat asshole who jumped on the bandwagon back in the 70s.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)
4. Cleveland Browns (6-10) Jon Gruden, line one...
AFC SOUTH
1. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) It's Peyton Manning. Of COURSE he's going to win 12 again. And Jim Caldwell will undoubtedly do something utterly stupid during the regular season. Guy's got the Kathleen Blanco "what am I gonna do?" look on the sidelines AT ALL TIMES.
2. Houston Texas* (9-7) These guys are going to make us all right someday...Like the Washington Generals are BOUND to win one, right?
3. Tennessee Titans (8-8) Vincent Young regresses. Jeff Fisher stays in place.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)
NFC EAST
1. Dallas Cowboys (10-6) They're not as great as everyone is making them out to be. And yet I've got them going to the playoffs. Go figure.
2. New York Giants* (10-6)
3. Washington Redskins (8-8)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)
NFC WEST
1. San Francisco 49ers (8-8) This is just wishful thinking. I'm so rooting for a team to finish .500 and still WIN their division. This needs to happen.
2. Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
3. St. Louis Rams (5-11) I can't believe I'm saying this, but: if Sam Bradford doesn't die behind that crappy O-Line, he'll give a lot of hope to the forty-five football fans in town.
4. Arizona Cardinals (4-12) The year after Kurt Warner leaves, the wheels officially come off.
NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay Packers (12- 4)
2. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)
3. Detroit Lions (6-10) Dude in my fantasy league paid out the ass for Jahvid Best. Like 30 bucks. Crazy. Then again, I paid $21 for Beanie Wells, so I have little room to talk.
4. Chicago Bears (5-10)
NFC SOUTH
1. New Orleans Saints (11-5)
2. Atlanta Falcons* (10-6) The Falcons will be decidedly friskier in 2010.
3. Carolina Panthers (7-9)
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
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