Tuesday, November 30, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 12 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-10)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-8) - Note to Derek Anderson: when you're seen smiling or laughing on the sidelines when you're getting the shit kicked out of you on the field, fans are going to react harshly. (Ex. Aaron Brooks)
30. Denver Broncos (3-8)
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9)
28. Detroit Lions (2-9)
27. Dallas Cowboys (3-8)
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-7) - Wait, Favre's now an offensive coordinator? Fuck, dude, just GO AWAY!
24. Buffalo Bills (2-9) - Steve Johnson drops would-be game-winning catch. Blames God. Catches Hell for it. Now says people were silly to think he was blaming God. All is right with universe.
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-6)
22. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
21. Washington Redskins (5-6)

I still love this song...

20. St. Louis Rams (5-6) - Knowing the Rams would be a seven-point playoff dog AT HOME is almost enough to make me hope the Saints do finish with the 5th seed in the NFC. Almost.
19. Tennessee Titans (5-6) - Who the fuck names their kid "Cortland" anyways? Assholes, that's who.
18. Houston Texans (5-6)
17. Oakland Raiders (5-6)
16. Miami Dolphins (6-5)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4)
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-5)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) - A DOUBLE DWAYNE BOWE! WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
11. Green Bay Packers (7-4) - Aaron Rodgers can't play defense and special teams, yo.

10. New York Giants (7-4)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
8. Chicago Bears (8-3)
7. San Diego Chargers (6-5)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (8-3) - Lurking, motherfuckers. Lurking...
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-3)
3. New York Jets (9-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-2) - Falcons are, bar none, the best team in the NFC. No getting around that. But I'd be anxious to see how Matt Ryan will handle himself in the playoffs when they're expected to win.
1. New England Patriots (9-2)

Oh yeah...Drew Brees, folks. Drew fucking Brees.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 11 - 2010)

Wanted to get this list out there before the Thanksgiving Day games got underway. You know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-9)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8)
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)
29. Detroit Lions (2-8)
28. Minnesota Vikings (3-7)
27. Denver Broncos (3-7)
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7)
25. Buffalo Bills (2-8)
24. Dallas Cowboys (3-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-5)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-6)
21. Cleveland Browns (3-7)

In honor of America, here's The Boss:

20. Houston Texans (4-6)
19. Oakland Raiders (5-5)
18. Washington Redskins (5-5)
17. Tennessee Titans (5-5)
16. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
14. Chicago Bears (7-3): Over-rated! (clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)
12. San Diego Chargers (5-5)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3)

And here's one of the more awesome moments in cinematic history:

10. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
9. New York Giants (6-4)
8. Green Bay Packers (7-3)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3): Yeah, I know the Steelers were ranked higher last week and put a beating on the Raiders. So the fuck what? Got a problem, dickhead?
6. Baltimore Ravens (7-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3)
4. New York Jets (8-2)
3. Atlanta Falcons (8-2)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3)
1. New England Patriots (8-2)

And now...football awesomeness!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 10 - 2010)

Haven't done this in a while, but you know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-8)
31. Detroit Lions (1-8)
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7)
29. Buffalo Bills (1-8)
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6)
27. San Francisco (3-6)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (4-5)
23. Cleveland Browns (3-6)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-5)
21. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)

That's right. The NFC West doesn't get past No. 21 on my list. Speaking of utter disappointments, here's the Green Lantern "teaser" trailer:

This isn't a teaser trailer. Teaser trailers are typically 90 seconds or less. The Batman Begins teaser? 1 minute, 15 seconds. Superman Returns teaser? 90 seconds. Dark Knight teaser? 55 seconds.

And also, this teaser is a train wreck. What's with the big-headed fool with the pornstache? And why does Ryan Reynolds wear a cartoon? And why is Blake Lively pretending to be cardboard?

20. Denver Broncos (3-6)
19. Houston Texans (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4)
16. Chicago Bears (6-4)
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-5)
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4)
12. Tennessee Titans (5-4)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)

Well, here's something interesting, Cowboys & Aliens. It's cowboys. It's aliens. It's James Bond. It's Indiana Jones/Hans Solo. It's intriguing.

10. New York Giants (6-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (6-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
7. New Orleans Saints (6-3)
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) Remember that asshole bandwagon Steelers fan I always tell you about? Well, he got fired from his job today. And because I hold grudges like nobody's fucking business, I celebrated like we skull fucked Iraq in Desert Storm, Part 1.
4. New York Jets (6-3)
3. Philadelphia Eages (7-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (7-2)
1. New England Patriots (7-2)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Left or right? Garrett Hartley gets unwanted pointers

Scene: EXT. empty sugarcane field -- NIGHT

(Garrett Hartley is practicing kicking field goals. He's making some, but he keeps shanking them to the right.)

GARRETT: Damn it! Coach isn't gonna keep me around for long if I can't make consistent kicks... (Garrett lines one up, kicks it wide right.) SHIT!

(Garrett hears something coming behind him from the left.)

GARRETT: Now what? More magical black men?



KEITH: This is no ordinary set of circumstances, Mr. Hartley. This is a matter of GRAVE importance. (shuffles papers.) You cannot expect your career to move forward if you keep hitting these kicks to the right!!

GARRETT: Oh, hey, I remember you! I used to watch you on ESPN, like, a decade ago or something! How's Dan Patrick doing?

KEITH: He's fine. Now, about your kicking...

GARRETT: Yes, sir. What do you recommend?

KEITH: Kick left.

GARRETT: Aim for the left post?

KEITH: No. I mean...AIM. LEFT. You'll never move forward if you're kicking to the right. Line up perpendicular to the ball, and kick it to the left.

GARRETT: Okay...you mean into the stands?

KEITH: Exactly!!

GARRETT: I don't see how that'll help me make field goals...

KEITH: Do you want to make FIELD GOALS or do you want to make a STATEMENT?!?


GLENN: Don't answer that!!!

KEITH: Aw, Christ!

GLENN: Don't let this fascist Marxist tell you what to do...LET ME DO THAT!

(Garrett Hartley face palm.)

GARRETT: Do I have to?

GLENN: What are you, Garrett? A socialist sympathizer? Why do you hate freedom?

KEITH: Erroneous! Erroneous, I tell you!!

GARRETT: What do you suggest, sir?

GLENN: You should keep aiming to the right, duh!!!!

GARRETT: Yeah, but that isn't working...

GLENN: Don't tell me it isn't working!!! What are you, some kinda one-man splinter cell?!?

GARRETT: You're nuts.

GLENN: Look, Garrett, your name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant, MY name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant. Who you gonna trust? By the way, can I interest you in some over-priced gold coins for the coming apocalypse?

GARRETT: Unbelievable...to hell with both of you, I'll aim for between the uprights, thank you very much.

KEITH: What, you mean, like, "the middle?"

GLENN: What the hell kinda tactic is that?!?

(Garrett walks away, leaving Keith and Glenn standing chest to chest, huffing and puffing at one another.)

KEITH: Glenn, I've always meant to ask you something.

GLENN: What is it?

KEITH: Why hock gold? I mean, in the apocalypse, won't gold be made irrelevant?

GLENN: You NEED a currency, fool! How else will capitalism flourish?!?

KEITH: Yeah, I get the whole exchange for goods and services, but why stockpile gold? Why not guns? After all, if I've got a gun, and all you've got is gold, it stands to reason...

(Glenn jams his thumbs in his ears.)

GLENN: I'm not listening! I'm not listening!! I'm not listening!!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sooner or later, he'd gonna cut ya down...

Had to bust out the Photoshop skills to show you assholes I hadn't disappeared off the face of the Earth.