Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 9)

Drew Brees was once invited to join the Justice League. Drew politely refused, but behind closed doors told his family he wouldn't join because, and I quote, "they'd just cramp my style."

Instead, Drew suggested the League invite a teammate with a ready-made super hero nickname: The Shockmeister!

Sadly, Jeremy Shockey was kicked out a month later after he:

A) Kept calling Martian Manhunter "Martin Ghey-Hunter."

B) Stiff-armed Hawkman into a two-day coma during a friendly game of touch football.

C) Suggested Black Canary go out on a date with his pal "Tommy," knowing the two were comically mismatched for one another.

D) Wouldn't stop asking Plastic Man if he qualified as a sex toy every time he slept with a woman.

E) Continued telling the same joke to Zatanna about "making his Shock Stick disappear...IN HER!!!"

F) Challenged Green Arrow to an accuracy contest: GA could use his archery skills while The Shockmeister demonstrated his arching urinary skills. Shockey then asked Green Arrow, "Uh, so you're like Batman, only NOT as cool?"

G) Lost Atom while vacuuming.

H) Convinced Green Lantern to put that power ring...uh, elsewhere on his body...

I) Borrowed a dollar from Flash for a soda and DIDN'T give him the change.

J) Pissed in Aquaman's (kelp) bed while in a drunken stupor.

K) Kept asking Blue Beetle, "What's your favorite color?"

L) Waited until Batman went to sleep, then stole the cape and cowl so he could sleep with Catwoman and Taila Al' Ghul.

M) Told Captain Marvel he thought Shaquille O'Neal nailed his personality in the movie "Shazaam!"

N) Talked Superman into investing in contact lenses.

O) Boinked Wonder Woman...while the two were riding in her invisible jet...over the Grand Canyon...while the President and First Family were visiting...with a UN delegation in attendance....on national television. Wonder Woman had to issue a public apology. J-Shock simply went to his Bucket List and crossed off a whole lot of things.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What. The. Fuck. Jim?

Okay, we all fucking love Jim Henderson. Hell, this mighty fine blog's named after his most famous radio call. But did you fucking READ his commentary following the Saints-Dolphins game? Did ya fucking READ IT!?!?

The voice of the goddamn Saints, a man whom I admire greatly, has done the unthinkable: he used two words that rhyme with "Schmuper Schmowl" at the conclusion of his commentary.

I can think of only three logical explanations here...

1. Jim, so overcome in the moment, lost his train of thought and decided to drink the Message Board Guy (copyright Grandmaster Wang) Kool-Aid and suddenly think the '09 Saints could beat the '85 Bears and the '00 Ravens COMBINED.

2. Jim is beginning to show the early signs of dementia.

3. His boss, a New Orleanian by birth who roots for the Pittsburgh "fucking" Steelers (cough**bandwagoner**cough), a man who pissed on Destiny's shoes during the magical 2006 season by helping to come up with the "Black and Gold to the Super Bowl" promos that ran on Channel 4 BEFORE THE FUCKING NFC TITLE GAME, asked him to put "Schmuper Schmowl" at the end of the commentary in a misguided attempt to throw some kind off jinx on the Saints.

Okay, I'm hoping (and betting) that it's Option A. But still...really, Jim? WTF, man? You've been around the block too many goddamn times for this, sir. This is...fuck, I don't even know what to call it. Maybe you got bored. Maybe you needed something else to say instead of a simple "let's enjoy the ride" because it's been said already, I don't know. What I do know is that you don't go up to a pitcher in the midst of a perfect game and tell him how amazing he's looking striking everybody out and remind him what's at stake.

Fuck's sake, Jim!!!!!

NFL Power Rankings (Week 7)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion.

This would be Abby Clancy. She's a soccer WAG. I should have played soccer. Maybe if I have a son I can convince him to play soccer.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-7)
31. Cleveland Browns (1-6)
30. Washington Redskins (2-5)
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7)
28. Tennessee Titans (0-6)
27. Oakland Raiders (2-5)
26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Carolina Panthers (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
22. Buffalo Bills (3-4)
21. Miami Dolphins (2-4)

20. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
19. Chicago Bears (3-3)
18. San Diego Chargers (3-3)
17. San Francisco 49ers (3-3)
16. New York Jets (4-3)
15. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
14. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
13. Dallas Cowboys (4-2)
12. Houston Texans (4-3)
11. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)

10. Green Bay Packers (4-2)
9. New York Giants (5-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Minnesota Vikings (6-1)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2)
4. New England Patriots (5-2)
3. Denver Broncos (6-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (6-0)

I could just as easily have put the Colts number one due to their ass whooping of the Rams while the Saints played an absolute piss poor 29:56 of a game. However, I kept the Saints as top dogs due to their strength of schedule.

Saints' opp. winning pct. -- .450
Colts' opp. winning pct. -- .297

The Saints also have a slightly higher point differential than the Colts, 111 to 102.

The Saints are also averaging more yards per game and points per game than the Colts.

Geaux Saints.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 8)

Drew Brees invented a new line of "Magic Fingers" beds for hotels. It makes your back feel as though it's being pelted with dozens of footballs fired with laser precision to alleviate pressure and stress.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 7)

Freddy Krueger is afraid to go to sleep. Why? He has nightmares about Drew Brees.

(Photo credit: Reuters)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

When's a good time to mention the U-Word or P-Word?

First up, anytime you can get a bunch of smoking hot chicks dancing around in tuxedo jackets and tight, gold short shorts, it's going to be a good day. I bring this video as a potential peace offering in case what I say is taken the wrong way or misconstrued as my being too harsh and callous.

Yesterday, Dave over at Canal Street Chronicles brought up two words that gave me great pause. No, he didn't say something that rhymes with "Schmooper Schmowl," thank God, but he did use the words "perfection" and "undefeated" when discussing the Saints' prospects for the remainder of this season.

Excuse me....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Jams fingers in ears.) I'm not listening! You can't make me listen! I'm not even paying attention! What are you saying? I can't hear you because I'm not listening! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!! (So on and so forth....)

Let us examine the facts here:

--The NFL regular season is 16 games.
--The Saints have played five games, winning them all in impressive fashion.
--The Saints have played less (LESS!) than a third of their regular season games. (31.25% of the season to be exact.)

So basically we have to start this conversation now? Just five games in? You want to toss up a Hail Mary this early?

I know Dave is throwing his trademark "Cautious Optimism" out the window, but I just think it's bit too premature to talk running the table. Obviously, Dave's saving grace is that throws the Molotov cocktail and pivots off the "undefeated" talk to his true purpose for the piece: a comparison between the 2009 Saints and 2007 Patriots. Hey, that's all fine and good; I love statistical comparisons. Shit, throw the 1999 Rams up there for comparison as well!

This brings me to my point: when is it appropriate for fans (and the goddamn national sports media) to start using "perfection," "undefeated," and "16 and 0" in sentences? And yes, I've thought about this since 1998, when the Broncos went 13-0 before losing.

I have tried to find the threshold, the "Tipping Point" if you will, for when discussion of a "16-0" season is appropriate/more realistic.

Let us examine the possibilities:

1. Team starts out 4-0. Hey, it's the first quarter of the season all wrapped up! We made it through unscathed! Let's have some fun and start daydreaming!

Nope. You wouldn't declare victory in a football game (or give serious thought to a win) after the first quarter, would you?

2. You're the last undefeated team standing. Okay, so it's somewhere past the quarter-mark, and your team is The Highlander for right now. Or DragonHeart. I don't know, whichever movie you think works best for my comparison. Anywho, the national talking heads give you a hearty congratulations and then somebody invariably asks, "Yeah, but do you think they can run the table?"

Time out! At this point, no fan should really want to hear the national media become THAT focused on their team, I don't care how successful they're doing. Besides, does a fanbase ever really want to take it's cues from the Mark Schlereths of the world?

Oh, and I'll set the number of times the phrase "in the National Football League" is thrown around at 732 for over/under bets.

3. Team hits 8-0. Hey, season's halfway over, maybe it's time to break out the moonshine!

I love a good moonshine as much as the next guy and while I think 8-0 would be the best starting off point for some fans to talk unbeaten season, this particular milestone just isn't for me. Actually, here's a good rule of thumb for Saints fans: if any non-Saints fan comes up to you and asks, "So you think the Saints can go undefeated?" You should say one of two things: "I don't know, it's gonna be tough" or "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you what I really think." Play it cool, Superman, play it cool.

4. 10-0. Okay, I think this is where I join you. The team's reached double digit wins and for some teams it's the first time in franchise history. Everybody is enjoying life and a playoff berth is likely already clinched or practically assured. So with all that out of the way, why shouldn't the talk go to perfection?

Granted, I would be comfortable starting to talk at this point, but to play Keanu Reeves here, I could understand not talking about it and just hoping "everyone stays healthy" or "I hope Coach Payton knows how much to play this guy or that guy."

5. 11-0 and beyond. Hey, to paraphrase Bill "you're not allowed to make pop culture references only I can!" Simmons, with five games left to win, you're playing with the house's money.

Okay, I'm done. I need a drink.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 6)

Here are your rankings for this week. Top 5 were quite easy to figure out.

Lucy Pinder is all kinds of WIN. (Ed. note: Why do I even do this to myself...?)

32. Tennessee Titans (0-6)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
29. St. Louis Rams (0-6)
28. Washington Redskins (2-4)
27. Detroit Lions (1-5)
26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5)
25. Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Buffalo Bills (2-4)
22. San Diego Chargers (2-3)
21. Carolina Panthers (2-3)

20. New York Jets (3-3)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
18. Chicago Bears (3-2)
17. Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-3)
15. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. Houston Texans (3-3)
12. San Francisco 49ers (3-2)
11. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)

10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2)
7. New York Giants (5-1)
6. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
5. New England Patriots (4-2)
4. Denver Broncos (6-0)
3. Minnesota Vikings (6-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (5-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (5-0)

Try and tell me Drew Brees and the Saints don't belong in the top spot. Try me.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

We gonna party like it's 1993!

Okay, so the Saints are 5-0 for the first time since 1993. Well, let's look back and see just what was going on in the world in 1993:

-- World population: 5.5 billion people.

--The World Wide Web is "born." Al Gore is super, super cereal this time! Somewhere, a computer nerd is jacking it to binary code.

--Wacko in Waco, Texas. Yikes.

--Andre the Giant died.

--Church of Scientology granted full tax exemption. In other, old, white men heading up powerful companies, hide their money in Switzerland or the Cayman Islands.

--The top grossing film was Jurassic Park, with over $350 million.

--Former President Bill Clinton was inaugurated. For his FIRST term.

--In the midst of the birth of the grunge musical revolution of the early 90s, Eddie Vedder is arrested in New Orleans for alleged public drunkenness following a bar room brawl.

--NAFTA approved, giving Dana Carvey added use on Saturday Night Live with his Ross Perot impression.

--The band Faster Pussycat breaks up, forever scarring the mind of one young fan: Thomas Morstead.

--Cost of a first-class stamp: 29 cents.

--World Trade Center bombing.

--Pablo Escobar gunned down in Medellin, Columbia. This would eventually lead to some of the worst episodes of "Entourage."

--MTV still showing full-length music videos, with a show like "Real World" merely on the periphery.

--13-year-old boy accuses Michael Jackson of fondling him. (Wait, I said 1993, right? ZING! ... Too soon?)

--Saints draft Willie Roaf in the first round of the '93 draft with the eighth overall pick.

--Sim City 2000 and X-Com are released on the PC, taking up nearly all of my time as a 13-year-old.

--David Letterman moved to CBS. Conan O'Brien took over Late Night.

--The show Double Dare came to an end. But where will I get my physical challenges?!? Wait...what is this show Guts about again?

If I just close my eyes and concentrate...

Yep, sorry, Eli. It's a pick.

(H/T to Deadspin for the pic. I really wish I had screen grab technology for my TV.)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Shockey v. His Old Team...

The fellas over at Kissing Suzy Kolber run a weekly "Who Ya Got?" piece featuring personalities from teams playing each other that weekend.

It's got everything: my favorite pic of The Shockmeister, presenting the fact that he boned Vida Guerra, taking a pot shot at the fucking Balloon Boy, and jokes about Giants Coach Tom Coughlin screaming all the time.

What's not to love?!?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 5)

Your gal this week: Eva Amurri (aka, Susan Sarandon's daughter). She apparently plays a college student who strips at night on "Californication." I watched part of Season One on DVD and it's a hilarious show with plenty of T&A. She reminds me of that red head on "Mad Men."

32. St. Louis Rams (0-5)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-5)
30. Oakland Raiders (1-4)
29. Tennessee Titans (0-5)
28. Buffalo Bills (1-4)
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-5)
26. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
25. Washington Redskins (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)
22. Carolina Panthers (1-3)
21. Houston Texans (2-3)

20. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
19. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
18. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
17. Miami Dolphins (2-3)
16. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
15. Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
14. Chicago Bears (3-1)
13. San Francisco (3-2)
12. New York Jets (3-2)
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)

10. Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
9. New England Patriots (3-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1)
7. Denver Broncos (5-0)
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
4. Minnesota Vikings (5-0)
3. New Orleans Saints (4-0)
2. New York Giants (5-0)
1. Indianapolis Colts (5-0)

Note that I did not drop the Saints in the rankings (but I did for the Giants). The Saints have a +78 point differential (144 PF to 66 PA) in just FOUR GAMES. I'm not moving them anywhere until after next week's showdown. The Giants, meanwhile, went 44-7 on the fucking Raiders. And I STILL think you could argue that the Saints are the best team in the league, due to beating better opponents.

Saints' opp. winning pct. -- .421
Giants' opp. winning pct. -- .240
Colts' opp. winning pct. -- .333

And for what it's worth, the other two undefeated teams:

Broncos' opp. winning pct. -- .480
Vikings' opp. winning pct. -- .292

Denver. Go figure...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 4)

Did you fucking SEE what ESPN did to the Saints and Jets this week?!?! Okay, so the Saints stayed the same, the Jets actually MOVED UP a spot, and the fucking Minnesota Favres were placed ahead of the Saints. Unbelievable.

You know what'll help me calm down? Boobies.


What, no boobies?!?



Okay, fine. Know what'll help me calm down? Theme songs from 80s television shows!

32. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4)
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (0-4)
27. Detroit Lions (1-3)
26. Tennessee Titans (0-4)
25. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
24. Seattle Seahawks (1-3)
23. Washington Redskins (2-2)
22. Buffalo Bills (1-3)
21. Miami Dolphins (1-3)

20. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. Houston Texans (2-2)
17. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
15. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
14. Chicago Bears (3-1)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2)
12. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)
11. Denver Broncos (4-0)

10. San Francisco 49ers (3-1)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
8. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
7. New York Jets (3-1)
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
5. Minnesota Vikings (4-0)
4. New England Patriots (3-1)
3. New Orleans Saints (4-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (4-0)
1. New York Giants (4-0)

Honestly, you could argue that the Saints deserve the top spot since they've played better opposition. Feel free to flail away at me in the comments section.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Where do we go from here?

Well, well. Don't this beat all? For the first time since 1993, and only the third time in the modern-era, the Saints are 4-0.

Like every other Saints fan, I hoped that the additions of defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and players like Darren Sharper and Jabari Greer would be enough to swing a couple close games our way. After watching this team lose a handful of games last year by seven points or less, I thought, "maybe, just maybe, this Williams cat can at least make our defense average."

Average. Think about that for a second: average. Our defense sucked so much so in (insert years of the Jason David/Gary Gibbs-era) that we hoped to land smack in the middle. We DESIRED the MEDIAN. Neutral. Switzerland.

Uh, Darren Sharper sure as shit ain't "average" -- mother fucker's BEAST. Not "a" beast, just "BEAST." He was THE difference maker against Mark "nail biter" Sanchez.

Oh, and by the way, Marky Mark, you just made an enemy in Jonathan Vilma. Good times for you, I guess.

Here's a tip for the future, "Sanchaise" -- next time you get picked off (and don't worry, that'll be sooner rather than later), why not spend your time on the bench with the OC going over defensive looks instead of sulking and biting your finger nails and then picking your teeth? Just a suggestion, Mark. Remember: you're a male model, not a male prostitute!

But hey, back to the winners.

Last week I wrote that the Saints had arrived and that it would take something significant on the part of the Jets to make think otherwise. Instead, the Saints' defense, led by Darren Sharper's grand efforts, has taken us all on a wild ride. I don't know where or when or how the ride will end, I just know that I'm enjoying the hell out of this ride right now. And I plan on enjoying it for as long as it lasts. Maybe even a little longer than I ought to.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

From the files of Twitter: Get dressed. We are going out to eat.

From Twitter:

Rookie night at Morton's.....May God take care of my wallet!
4:24 PM Oct 1st from web

(EXT. Morton's Steakhouse - NIGHT)

(The well dressed Chip Vaughn is standing outside a fine dining establishment. He checks his watch.)

CHIP: Man, I hope they aren't late. I had to slip the guy a fifty just get a solid 8 o'clock reservation. These rapscallions better get here on time.

(Cornerback Malcolm Jenkins pulls up in a BMW and tosses his keys to the parking lot attendant.)

JENKINS: Now, when I come out later, I want you to hang on to those keys and wait for me to swat 'em out your hands and claim 'em for myself, got it?

VALET: Yes, sir, Mr. Jenkins.

CHIP: Hey, Malcolm! Great you could make it out tonight!

JENKINS: No problem.


CHIP:'s it going?



CHIP: 'bout this weather?

JENKINS: Yep. Humid.

(Tumbleweeds blow by.)

CHIP: You, uh, talk to anyone else before rolling out here?

JENKINS: Can't say that I have cause I haven't.

CHIP: Oh. want to go inside and wait then?


(The two men walk inside. Minutes later, they are joined by Jonathan Casillas and Chase Daniel, who sit and wait with them for the final member of their party to arrive.)

JONNY: You told him 8 p.m., right?

CHIP: Absolutely. He knew that.

CHASE: You think he got lost, Malcolm?

JENKINS: ...Nope.

CHASE: Okay. You think I should try calling his cell?

JENKINS: ...Nope.

CHASE: Why not?

(Jenkins points to the front of the restaurant.)

JENKINS: He's here.

(The men at the table turn and look...)

TOMMY: Hey guys!!

JONNY: You gotta be shittin' me...

(Chase Daniel buries his head in his hands. Malcolm Jenkins stares into space -- he remains a vacuum. Chip gets up and greets him.)

CHIP: Yeah, uh, good to see you Thomas.

TOMMY: Thanks for inviting me out, Chip! Say, where's y'all's costumes?

CHIP: Dude, when I said "dress up" I didn't mean to go as one of the Thundercats.


CHIP: You got a change of clothes or anything?

TOMMY: Sorry, Chip, I thought this was, like, some preemptive Halloween party.

(Chip hangs his head.)

TOMMY: Well, look on the bright side: at least I didn't dress as a Furry, am-I-right?

CHIP: Christ...

(Minutes later, the guys have all placed their orders and are waiting for their steaks.)

CHASE: Man, I can't wait to sink my teeth into that steak! I'm so friggin' excited!

CHIP: I don't wish to sound rude or anything, Chase, but are you just trying to run up the bill for me?

CHASE: Hells no, Chip, why?

CHIP: Well, see...

(Jonny interrupts.)

JONNY: Cause you ordered a $67 steak, white bread!

CHASE: Yeah, but I got reasons for that.

JONNY: You don't see Malcolm ordering that much off the menu.

CHASE: (whispering to Jonny and Chip) Guys, he's only been eating sugar packets.

JENKINS: Good for alertness.

CHASE: Dude, how many calories are you operating on?

JENKINS: Don't know. Starved mind's a football-crazed mind.

CHASE: Oooooookay....

JONNY: You still never answered my question. Why you eating so damn much?

CHASE: Have you SEEN the SIZE of my HEAD? It's like a fucking asteroid is resting on my neck, Jonny! I gotta feed it every chance I get!

JONNY: Sheesh, take it easy, Chase, no need to get worked up about it...

CHASE: Worked up?!? My head's got its own orbital system for fuck's sake!!!! There's "Low Earth Orbit" then there's "Chase Daniel Orbit!"


CHIP: Shit, I hope you boys don't...Oh shit...

(Tommy comes up to the table with a friend.)

TOMMY: Uh, can she stay and eat with us?

CHIP: God damn, man...

(Ed. note: Again, this is a reminder that these vignettes are inspired by the work being done at Kissing Suzy Kolber.)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

What to endorse...?

(Int. Saints facility on Airline Highway.)

FUJITA: Aw, I am so looking forward to pounding Mark Sanchez into the field turf this weekend! Nothing could be better!

(Fujita walks into a computer room for the players and sits at a terminal.)

FUJITA: Well, let me just check my email here before hitting the weight room...(Eyes widen.) Holy shit!! Hate mail?!?!? What the fuck? Didn't we prevent the Bills from scoring an offensive touchdown? What did I do wrong?

(The Shockmeister pops his head up over the monitor. He's wearing a headset.)

J. SHOCK: What'd you expect, Brosef? "No, I'm not talking to you guys. Hang on." (J. Shock takes his headset off.) Sorry about that, Scottie 2 Hottie, I was just toggling between playing Left 4 Dead, dissecting Jennifer's Body on the message boards and watching the new trailer for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. Did you know they got that dude from Bad News Bears to play Freddy Kruger? Fucking sweet, yo!

FUJITA: Yeah, that's great, Jeremy. But what's up with all this hate mail?

J. SHOCK: Dude, you broke the fourth wall.


J. SHOCK: You mentioned the third rail.


J. SHOCK: You talked about the gheys, Bro-Hamm.


(Another Saints player, sitting at a monitor next J. Shock, sticks his head up over the wall. He is also wearing a headset.)

TOMMY: Yeah, can't do that, Scott. I'm a fucking rookie punter and even I know better than that.

FUJITA: But why not? Don't people care?

J. SHOCK: Course people care, "Dred" Scott, but the kinds a people who're gonna be emailing and commenting on this are pretty fervent on the issue.

FUJITA: How you know what "fervent" means?

J. SHOCK: Shut up.

TOMMY: Look, you gotta find a safe issue. Something that everyone can get behind.

FUJITA: I don't understand...

(Drew Brees ducks his head in.)

BREES: Take me for instance, Scott. I support foundations for the zoo and aquarium. Everybody loves animals and fish. I also do stuff for the USO, because everybody loves the soldiers.

J. SHOCK: The mighty Shockmeister goes around the world teaching the soldiers how to run the "Eiffel Tower" on a chick.

BREES: Anywho...I also take kids out fishing on a "Big Brothers" trip. And...I help build Habitat for Humanity houses.

FUJITA: Jesus, Drew! How do you manage all that?

BREES: Uh, cause I'm awesome?

(Drew walks out of the computer lab.)

FUJITA: That still doesn't help me. Of course people love charities. I'm talking about a serious human issue.

(Coach Sean Payton walks in.)

PAYTON: You wanna talk about a human rights issue? How 'bout preventing people from getting Chinese dry wall!! That is a SERIOUS violation of human health standards!

(Crickets chirping.)

PAYTON: All right, fuck you guys, I'll be in the film room.

(Payton leaves.)

TOMMY: Look, Scott, the problem is...we're athletes. Glorified entertainers. People don't want us to voice an opinion on anything unless it's about next week's game.

FUJITA: Yeah, but I already endorse some used car lots with Bobby Hebert.

J. SHOCK: Different thing. Nobody gives two shits about used cars. Well, except maybe Kurt Russell.

FUJITA: But then why do politicians court celebrities and public figures for their message?

TOMMY: You want me to handle this one, Shockmeister?

J. SHOCK: Do your thing, Puntmaster Flex.

TOMMY: Cause it's all a big ole hypocritical bullshit mess. Nobody wants to hear what some "Hollywood type" says about an issue unless it's something they already agree with. Obviously, the environmental folk want somebody who drives an electric or hybrid car, and the "gay marriage" folk want somebody who's in favor of it.

J. SHOCK: Personally, I could give two fucks about it, long as they ain't touching my dong.

TOMMY: How eloquent.

FUJITA: But I mean, it's like you can't even mention gay marriage without people shitting a collective brick on message boards.

J. SHOCK: It's the price we pay to make millions and score pussy all the time, dude.

FUJITA: But this is a serious issue!

TOMMY: Sorry, Scott. Look, maybe in the future people might be a little more enlightened or understanding or whatever the heck you wanna call it, but until then, all people care about with us is whether or not we win. Hell, if we make the playoffs or something, maybe you could try and mention something again. In the meantime, I suggest you stick to product endorsements.

J. SHOCK: Yeah, dude, you should totally endorse some sunglasses or shit!

FUJITA: (Sullen.) Damn...but, what the hell could I possibly slap my name on....?

(D-list celebrity walks into the computer lab.)