Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 6)

Drew Brees' right arm was used as a prop cannon during the filming of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" trilogy, but during one take Brees accidentally hit Orlando Bloom with a "live round." Bloom hasn't made a decent movie since...

(Special thanks to my friend Lee for that one.)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 3)

I decided to wait until AFTER week three to do these power rankings. I'm one of (checks joke book) like, fucking, ZERO people who thinks that the NCAA and the NFL writers should wait until three or four weeks into the season before they publish power rankings. This sort of rule would have the most useful, long-term impact on the NCAA.

So here's how I rank this: I try to rank teams in terms of "who could beat the teams below them, but likely could not beat the teams above them."

Oh yeah, this is also an opportunity for me to post pictures of hot chicks again. Hooray, beer!

(above: Kira Eggers)

32. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
31. St. Louis Rams (0-3)
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3)
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3)
28. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
27. Washington Redskins (1-2)
26. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
25. Detroit Lions (1-2)
24. Miami Dolphins (0-3)
23. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
21. Tennessee Titans (0-3)

(above: Pamela Diaz)

20. Buffalo Bills (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)
18. Chicago Bears (2-1)
17. Houston Texans (1-2)
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)
15. Denver Broncos (3-0)
14. San Diego Chargers (2-1)
13. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
12. San Francisco 49ers (2-1)
11. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)

(above: Kelly Brook)

10. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
9. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
8. Minnesota Vikings (3-0)
7. New England Patriots (2-1)
6. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-0)
4. New Orleans Saints (3-0)
3. New York Jets (3-0)
2. Indianapolis Colts (3-0)
1. New York Giants (3-0)

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 5)

As a joke, Marques Colston once asked Drew Brees, "Hey, is there anything you CAN'T do?" Drew stared off and said, "Yeah, I can't not be awesome at all times." Colston was amazed.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Your "good" just isn't good enough

Memo to all the teams in the NFL: You can hold Drew Brees to less than 200 yards passing and no touchdowns, and even force a fumble, but that still won't be good enough to get the win.

Your offense can post 30 points and that might not be good enough.

Your special teams can run a surprise play and score a touchdown off a fake field goal, but that isn't going to cut it.

Your run defense will still be exploited by multiple backs. Holes will be discovered in your pass defense.

Last week, I saw the Miami Dolphins hold the Indianapolis Colts to less than 15 minutes of possession AND STILL LOSE. I saw the Dolphin players with a "what more can we possibly do here?" look on their faces. Same thing with the Bills yesterday.

That's a good look, Terrell.

To beat the Saints, an opponent will have to play great in ALL PHASES of the game or hope the Saints just have a catastrophic day in two of the three phases (one of which HAS to be the offense).

You're on notice, NFL: the Saints are no longer "coming." They're "here," assholes.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 4)

While participating in passing drills at training camp, Drew Brees once fired a football so far and hard that it broke the fabric of the space-time continuum, traveled back to the post-Crash 1930s and cleaned up in the Stock Market. The football later joined the local "Why We Fight" committee and helped organize scrap and rubber drives for the war effort.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 3)

A sickly man once approached Drew Brees on the street and told him, "Sir, I have a sinus infection. Can you help me?" Drew Brees took a football and fired it at the man's head so hard it literally knocked the snot right out of him. And he never got sick again.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 2)

"Drew Brees once sued the band Marcy Playground, claiming the song 'Sex and Candy' were the trademarked names for his left and right butt cheeks. The band settled out of court and now pays royalties to Drew every time they play the song."

(Ed. note: Hat tip to my friend Lee for coming up with that one.)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History"

Drew Brees wears "9" on his jersey because league officials wouldn't let him wear "∞" (the sign for infinity).

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Caption this!

Share your captions for the photo below:

I smell a Gillette joke...

Monday, September 21, 2009

A second look at Kolb's numbers...

Okay, so I'm hearing that "Despite the loss, Kevin Kolb looked good against the Saints' defense, passing for nearly 400 yards in the rout." (I'm paraphrasing.)


1. Kolb could have avoided two of his interceptions--one of which was returned for a touchdown--had the Eagles just decided to run the damn ball and end the game quickly once they knew things were out of hand.

2. Actually, he should've had four interceptions, but Anthony Hargrove couldn't come down with the batted pass. Instead, the drive went to fourth down and the Eagles had to settle for a field goal.

3. And let's not forget the old axiom that a teams trailing big in the second half will always--ALWAYS!--throw the ball in an effort to play catch up. Once the Saints went up 34-13 with 4:10 left in the third quarter, Kevin Kolb completed 15 passes for 191 yards. He had three big plays of 20 yards or more during that stretch and six of the completions were for less than ten yards, leaving six other plays between 11 and 20 yards.

Hey, I'm not totally dogging Kolb here. The guy definitely deserves credit for averaging more than 12.7 yards per completion, but remember that: A) the Saints' defense was playing back at this point and didn't want to give up another bomb as they did earlier ... meaning B) nearly half of the Eagles' offensive productivity came during what could be considered GARBAGE TIME.

Here, Kevin, this applause is for you...

He throws play-action passes, so that we might live

Okay, I'm just running this picture I saw on Cajun Boy in the City's website:

Friday, September 18, 2009

Drew cannot catch a break...

Congratulations, Drew, on being named the FedEx Air Player of the Week, as voted on by NFL fans and not some dismissive bunch of douchebag talking heads.

Way to kick ass, Drew! I mean, sheesh, when you just look at those numbers--six touchdowns, 358 passing yards, 76.5 completion percentage, 137 QB rating--it just boggles the mind. Really, I don't know of anyone else that could...

DREW: Aw, shucks, thanks. You know, I think we still have some work to do on offense. There were some passes I could have made a little better; I still threw that interception, not happy about that. But all in all, I'm really happy with how our team...

KANYE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! (Takes microphone from Drew.) Don't worry, I'm-a-gonna give you your microphone back, Drew. I jus wanna say one thing, ah-right?

DREW: Ah, sure, go ahead.

KANYE: I ain't even gonna front, but TOM BRADY is THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME! The greatest of all-time, ya heard?!?

TOM: (Mouthing words) Oh, Kanye, no...

KANYE: Hey, hey, hey! I'm-a-gonna not waste any mo' yo' time, but I ain't fronting, people! Tom Brady is AWESOME! Greatest ever an' shit!


DREW: Okay, I hear the two of you gentlemen, but this was a fan vote and I ended up winning this thing. I mean, Tom Brady's awesome, no doubt about it, and he's a sure fire Hall of Famer, but this isn't some reputation vote. It's just about who was the best this particular week...

KANYE: (Interrupting...again) Yo-yo-yo! You ain't listenin', Drew! I said GREATEST OF ALL TIME!


DREW: Christ, do you two not even understand how this shit works? Look, Tom, you got more passing yards than me this week, congrats on that by the way, but I got a better QB rating, completion percentage, more touchdown passes, fuck I even had a better Yards Per Attempt number! And let's face facts, here, since we're being all "real" and "not fronting," Kanye: the Pats were a Leodis McKelvin fumble away from all the national media asshats talking about "crisis in New England." How the fuck can you not understand how fickle the national sports media is?

COLIN: But the Saints' defense allowed 27 points! Against the Lions! You racked up six TDs against the Lions, for Christ's sake! Surely that means you're overrated!!

(Drew starts shaking his head.)

DREW: Look, numb nuts, I don't control the scheduling; I just go out there and fucking play. Yeah, we were supposed to beat the shit out of the Lions -- which we did. Nobody's racked up more than 40 points and 6 touchdowns against the Lions in five years prior to me.

COLIN: You gave up 27 points!!

DREW: The fuck does that have to do with my offense, dickhead? Let's see: the Lions D ran back a fumble for a touchdown, so really our defense actually just gave up 20 points. Our special teams sucked and put them in great field position twice, which only netted them, what, 10 points? Stafford's QB rating was shit, he threw three picks, and the Lions were horrible on third down. I mean, Christ, actually look at a fucking box score, you turd!

COLIN: (Pauses. Thinks.) Whatever. RABBLE-RABBLE-RABBLE!


DREW: Does anybody use critical thinking and empirical evidence to make objective, rational judgments anymore?

COLIN: Do I look like I give two shits about "critical thinking" or "objectivity" or anything like that?

DREW: For fuck's sake...

(Ed. note: As always, these little vignettes are inspired by the guys at KSK. Just wanted to make sure I'm covering my bases.)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jeff Duncan points out the obvious, everyone nods in approval

While the headline seems to indicate that I'm dogging on Jeff Duncan, I'm hinting more to the fact that Dave, Ralph and I pointed this out on Sunday at 5 p.m. immediately after the game. I'm happy that Duncan pointed this out to the masses and even happier that the masses actually agreed with him and did not immediately descend into name calling and race baiting within 20 comments. Yay for progress!

Here comes a factoid...

Since 1999, only two quarterbacks have thrown for six touchdowns against the Lions:

Peyton Manning: 23 of 28, 236 yards, 6 TDs. (In November 2004)
Drew Brees: 26 of 34, 358 yards, 6 TDs and 1 INT. (In September 2009)

Just so we're clear here: in November 2004, Manning was regarded as one of the two best quarterbacks in the NFL, alongside Tom Brady.

And it stands to reason that Manning is arching downward SOMEWHAT in his career, right? And Tom Brady is coming off of knee surgery in 2008 and looked sluggish for most of his week one game against the Bills?

So how the fuck can ANYONE possibly suggest to me that Drew Brees is not the best quarterback in the NFL at the moment?

Go fuck yourself, Colin Cowherd.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

NFL Predictions, Division by Division

Okay, so during last night's podcast, Ralph and I discussed playoff predictions. He mentioned something to the effect of taking out six teams that made it the previous year when making this year's picks. Ralph also went so far as to suggest putting a couple last place teams atop their respective divisions as well. I told Ralph I would take him up on that (or at least try to). To quote Lando Calrissian, "Here goes nothing."

(Note: I did not cross reference these record numbers.)

NFC South
1. New Orleans Saints (11-5) *
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
3. Carolina Panthers (6-10)
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-12)

NFC North
1. Green Bay Packers (12-4) *
2. Minnesota Vikings (10-6) *
3. Chicago Bears (10-6) *
4. Detroit Lions (3-13)

NFC East
1. New York Giants (10-6) *
2. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)
3. Dallas Cowboys (7-9)
4. Washington Redskins (5-11)

NFC West
1. Seattle Seahawks (9-7) *
2. San Francisco 49ers (8-8)
3. Arizona Cardinals (6-10)
4. St. Louis Rams (4-12)

AFC South
1. Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5) *
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-6) *
3. Houston Texans (8-8)
4. Tennessee Titans (8-8)

AFC North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (13-3) *
2. Baltimore Ravens (10-6) *
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)
4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)

AFC East
1. New England Patriots (12-4) *
2. Miami Dolphins (9-7)
3. New York Jets (7-9)
4. Buffalo Bills (5-11)

AFC West
1. San Diego Chargers (9-7) *
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (5-11)
4. Oakland Raiders (3-13)


1. The two last place teams I have making the postseason this year (and winning their respective divisions, no less) are New Orleans and Jacksonville. If not for the Rams' shitty season last year, Seattle would also be on this list.

2. Teams that did not make the playoffs LAST YEAR that I have going THIS YEAR: New Orleans, Seattle, New England, Jacksonville, Chicago and Green Bay.

3. 2008 Playoff Teams not making the trip THIS YEAR: Miami, Tennessee, Arizona, Carolina, Atlanta and Philadelphia.

4. Teams sure to get blown out in their first round match-ups: Seattle and San Diego.

5. I could feasibly see ANY of the other five AFC teams making it to the Super Bowl.

6. Teams in the NFC with the best chance to make it to the Super Bowl: Packers and Saints. Why? Seattle's obviously out; Eli Manning needs better targets; as much as I like Jay Cutler, the Bears aren't turning things around THAT fast, especially with that defense one year older; and because fuck Brett Favre, that's why.

7. I HOPE--repeat, HOPE!--the Bears wind up playing the Saints in the playoffs in New Orleans. About God damn time the Saints had home field advantage late against these asshats.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it...

(Ed. note: The following is a work of fiction.)

MIKE: Hi, my name is Mike Rowe and this is my job.

MIKE: I travel the world looking for disgusting, crazy, dangerous jobs. The kind of jobs that need to be done in order to make our lives a little easier. Well, we've done more than a hundred episodes and I must say that I may have found a job that truly encapsulates what it means to be a "Dirty Job." Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Stafford, your starting quarterback for THE Detroit Lions!

MATTHEW: Hey, Mike, how ya doin?

MIKE: Doing fine, Mattew, thanks.

MATTHEW: Actually, can you just call me "Matt Staff" from now on?

MIKE: Uh...okay. Why?

MATTHEW: Well, I'm trying to get into this chick's pants, and I'm using the whole "let my staff comfort you" approach. So I figure if you just keep calling me Staff it'll subconsciously get into her head.

MIKE: Yeah, smooth. (Rolls eyes.) Of course, she could just think you have Staph infection and never speak to you again.

MATTHEW: 'Preciate it. Oh, by the way, mind if we play some Faith No More? I mean, I like the intro to your show and it just reminds me a lot of Faith No More.

MIKE: Go ahead, "Matt Staff." Go nuts.

MATTHEW: Awesome! Air guitar solo for me!

MIKE: Now Matt, you seem like a pretty clean-cut guy to the folks at home looking at your picture. Tell them what it is you do that makes your job dirty.

MATTHEW: Well, I was drafted by and named the starter for the most inept, poorly run franchise in the NFL. I'm the face of that franchise, Mike. A toilet bowl, for fuck's sake. I mean, I feel terrible for the fans and all, but come on!

MIKE: Fair enough. Now walk us through a typical day. Actually, wait a second. The people at home already have an idea of football practices and watching videotape. What else do you do? Give us a behind the scenes glimpse at what Matt Staff does to prep for a game.

MATTHEW: Well for starters...I have to wake up a number of my bros who crashed at my pad overnight. That usually takes me about half an hour or so. Wanna try it, Mike?

MIKE: No thanks, I'll pass. You actually lick them?

MATTHEW: Yeah, so I do that for the seven or eight of 'em that are here...

MIKE: I'm sorry to interrupt, but you actually LICK seven or eight grown men on the face and behind the ears to wake them up?

MATTHEW: Worked for the snow leopards on Planet Earth, Mike. I thought you saw that, homes.

MIKE: Hey, I'm not judging, just learning, Matt Staff. What do you do next?

MATTHEW: Remember that broad I told you about? The one whose pants I'm trying to get into?

MIKE: Yeah?

MATTHEW: I help her do keg lifts and keg stands. Although I do sets of keg lifts on my own. You know, to keep the legs strong.

MIKE: Now what about this is particularly dirty, Matt Staff?

MATTHEW: Mike, I like certain kinds of things in the bedroom, okay? And you need certain types of girls for that.

MIKE: Wait, are you implying that this gal here is like that?

MATTHEW: Don't know, yet, Mr. Rowe. But I'm itching to find out.

MIKE: Sheesh..

MATTHEW: Then there's the snuggling.

MIKE: I'm sorry. The snuggling?

MATTHEW: Yeah...

MATTHEW: I gotta comfort some of my bros for their mid-afternoon siestas.

MIKE: Look, Matt Staff, is there anything else that makes your job particularly dangerous?

MATTHEW: Christ's sake, Mike! My NFL career is launched against the league's best offense, lead by the best quarterback in the NFL.

MIKE: How does that affect you?

MATTHEW: To have to compete with THAT? Are you high, Mike? And then there's the defense...

MIKE: Wait, I thought the Saints' defense sucked?

MATTHEW: Yeah, well their new defensive coordinator has riled those guys up. They're flying all over the damn place, slamming into people. I'm too pretty to have my face caved in by the D-Line! And their new defense was +5 in takeaways this preseason. They'll blitz, blitz, blitz, and then blitz me some more!

MIKE: Yeah, but...uh, don't you have Megatron on your team?

MATTHEW: I don't want this! Ahhhhhh! Now I need a cuddle! (Runs off screaming.)

MIKE: So that's it for me. And remember, if you have a Dirty Job you think should be on the show, drop us a line at Discovery Channel dot com, Forward slash....Ah, fuck it, I'm done.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Official Picks for the Saints!

We're going week-to-week here:

1. vs. Detroit Lions (PICK: Saints, 31-17)

2. at Philadelphia Eagles (PICK: Eagles, 24-21)

3. at Buffalo Bills (PICK: Saints, 24-19)

4. vs. New York Jets (PICK: Saints, 27-14)

5. BYE

6. vs. New York Giants (PICK: Giants, 28-27)

7. at Miami Dolphins (PICK: Saints, 20-14)

8. vs. Atlanta Falcons (PICK: Saints, 23-16)

9. vs. Carolina Panthers (PICK: Panthers, 17-14)

10. at St. Louis Rams (PICK: Saints, 35-14)

11. at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (PICK: Saints, 19-9)

12. vs. New England Patriots (PICK: Patriots, 42-38)

13. at Washington Redskins (PICK: Saints, 26-21)

14. at Atlanta Falcons (PICK: Falcons, 16-14)

15. vs. Dallas Cowboys (PICK: Saints, 27-21)

16. vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (PICK: Saints, 38-20)

17. at Carolina Panthers (PICK: Saints, 24-17)

Final Record: 11-5

Thoughts (no particular order):

1. I see the Saints sweeping the Bucs. (no big shock)

2. Saints split things with Panthers and Falcons. (slight shock on my part as concerns the Panthers)

3. I think 11-5 is a realistic expectation for this Saints team, based on what we know and what we've seen in the preseason. If I'm venturing into "drinking the Kool-Aid" territory, I could go as high as 13 or 14 wins (flipping the outcome with the Dolphins, Panthers and MAYBE the Eagles). If I'm in a "Woe is Me" mode, things could swing to 8-8 easily (flipping the Cowboys, one of the games against the Bucs, and either the Redskins or Jets)

4. I am near certain that the Saints beat the Lions, Rams and Bucs handily.

5. Depending on how the Giants' wide receivers respond in the first few weeks, I may change my opinion on that game.

6. I WANT TO believe that the Saints would win a shoot out against the Pats on Monday Night Football, but somehow I see the Pats stealing it late, leading to every talking head on ESPN going on and on about how awesome Tom Brady is and forgetting about Drew Brees altogether.

7. I tend to over-think EVERYTHING, so this could very well change when the time comes for a weekly prediction.

So I guess the number to REALLY focus on is 11-5 and an NFC South Division banner in the Superdome for next year.

I will go no further in making a playoff prediction, because as far as I'm concerned, the Saints will ALWAYS have what it takes to appear in the Big Game as long as Drew Brees is lining up behind center.

"Ladies, ladies, ladies, please calm the f*ck down."

Yeah, so Chase Daniel is now on the Saints' practice squad. Whoop-dee-shit. I'm more excited/disheartened by the epic flame war going on in the thread at Canal Street Chronicles. They had nearly 180 comments on the Chase Daniel story; I would be shocked--SHOCKED!--if 70 percent of the comments had more to do with a couple of users getting into a proverbial pissing match with each other.

Jesus Christ, you two, just get a room and hate fuck each other so the rest of us can get on with our lives. Sheesh...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The People Versus Usama Young

(Scene: The Harahan Chamber of Commerce. The chamber is packed with dozens of people. Several members of the Saints roster are up in the balcony.)

(A baliff walks into the chamber.)

BALIFF: All rise! The honorable Judge Michael Hunt presiding!

(Judge Hunt enters and sits at the bench.)

JUDGE: Order, order! I would like to remind everyone that is not a trial in the legal sense of the word. Hell, this isn't even an informal hearing. I mean, we're at the Harahan Chamber of Commerce for Christ's sake! However, due to some ridiculous bylaws, I can actually render a decision that actually will be upheld! Ah...sweet, justice!

Now, Mr. Young, I would like to read a number of complaints lodged against you in light of your recent arrest. Of course, these are in no way admissible as evidence in a real court of law, but since this might as well be the court of public opinion, and he who screams loudest usually wins, I'm gonna allow it...

The following comments have been rendered by Saints fans in the last 24 hours against Mr. Young:

"He jus be trying to pulla O.J Simplton act."

"Break both of Usama's legs and let him see what it's like to be handicapped. Then he can park in a special place."

"did y'all see all the appearances he was making on behalf of the Saints on First Take and the NFL Network? He came across as a really nice guy, I guess it was all a front. You can't park in a handicapped space no matter what and being out at that hour and speeding in Harahan is really, really stupid. Like slumbyball said, my respect level for this doosh bag went down a lot. what an idiot!"

"What an idiot. Saints- get rid of this clown!!!"

"This won't be the last you'll hear of this bonehead and his screw ups. Stay tuned. This is only the beginning."

JUDGE: Never mind the fact that most of the opinions unearthed regarding this incident appear to have been written by fourth-graders, Mr. Young, the point is people are mighty pissed off about you leading authorities on some sort of wild chase across our fair city...

(Usama Young stands up.)

USAMA: Your honor, I wish to object. I did not lead authorities on any such "wild chase." I pulled over less than half a mile after the policeman turned on his siren lights.

JUDGE: Mr. Young, that is 2,639 feet longer than you should driven!

USAMA: So you're telling me I should have just slammed on my breaks and hoped the cop wouldn't plow into the back of my car?

JUDGE: Precisely. And let's not forget you were driving around at 3:14 a.m.! On a weekday, no less! We got kids going to school later that morning! What were you thinking?!?!?

USAMA: Uh...

JUDGE: Never you mind, Mr. Young! Now, do you have anyone here willing to speak on your behalf?

USAMA: Excuse me, your honor?

JUDGE: Do you have any character witnesses? People who can testify that you're a fine, upstanding young man who shouldn't get sent to the clink for this little transgression?

USAMA: Ummm...

(CUT TO: Three minutes later.)

JUDGE: State your name.

MORSTEAD: Thomas Morstead, Esquire, sir.

JUDGE: And you know the defendant?

MORSTEAD: You bet I do!

JUDGE: Could you elaborate for me?

MORSTEAD: When I first moved to New Orleans, I needed all sorts of help unloading all my Hello Kitty and Thundercats merchandise, and Usama was only too happy to help me!

JUDGE: Usama?!? Usama?!? THAT's his first name?

MORSTEAD: Of course it is. Did you look at his first name, your honor?

JUDGE: You shut up, cat boy! I'm gonna throw the book at you, you dreadlocked, ter'rist lovin'...

(A certain seersucker suit lovin' tight end bursts through the front doors of the chamber of commerce.)

J-SHOCK: Hold the mutha fucking phone there, yer honor!

(J-Shock walks up to the witness stand.)

J-SHOCK: You need to flee the scene, Punt Boy. Maybe go get your kitty's nails trimmed or something...

MORSTEAD: Absolutely, Mr. Shockey!

(Morstead scampers out the chamber of commerce.)

USAMA: Jeremy, what the hell are you doing? You're gonna get me in worse trouble than I already am!

J-SHOCK: Nonsense, bro-ham! Time to get my Atticus Finch on! Now your honor, I think y'all need to be re-examining this case.

JUDGE: How so?

J-SHOCK: Well, Usama here was only out at 3:14 a.m. I'm sure he had a valid, not illegal reason to be out there, right Usama? I mean, he coulda been just getting out of the late showing of "Inglorious Basterds" at the Elmwood Palace, am-I-right?

USAMA: Jeremy, I was...

J-SHOCK: And another thing...

JUDGE: Mr. Shockey, are YOU ever out that late? Are you in bed at that time?!?

J-SHOCK: Of course, your honorable-ness! J-Shock is ALWAYS in bed at 3:14 in the morning! And home by 5 a.m.! Snap!

JUDGE: Do you have anything else to add?

J-SHOCK: Matter of fact, judge brosef, I do! (Pulls out spectacles and documentation.) As your honor is no doubt aware, the 2000 Census revealed that less than one percent of the Harahan population is black, so maybe the Harahan Police Department, which according to the Police Complaint Center, earned an "F" grade for police misconduct, so maybe the police got a little ansy when they saw a black man driving over the speed limit near the city's golf and country club and decided to hit the lights and see how he reacted.

JUDGE: How dare you impugn the reputation of this police department?!

J-SHOCK: Brah, I'm ain't interested.

JUDGE: Are you telling me that it should be okay for a person to NOT show up for a court date for parking in a handicap spot?

J-SHOCK: Look, J-Shock has banged handicap chicks before just so he could drive 'em around and get the best parking spots, and Usama here was in and out. Look, I'm not asking you to completely forget what he's done, but what I AM asking is that not lock this guy up.

(The judge rubs his imaginary beard.)

JUDGE: Mr. J-Shock, you are absolutely right. (Bangs gavel.) This chamber of commerce finds you not guilty of fleeing from police and orders you to just pay a hefty fine to cover all previous charges. (Bangs gavel.) And you need to get me some season tickets...

USAMA: Not a problem, your honor.

(All the people in the chamber burst into cheers and applause. Usama turns and shakes J-Shock's hand.)

USAMA: Thank you, J-Shock.

J-SHOCK: Oh, this shit ain't over yet. (Points to the doorway, which swings open. Dozens of post office employees come in, dragging large mailbags with them.)

J-SHOCK: Your honor! Your honor! The post office, a branch of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, declares this man RIGHT here to be the ONE and ONLY Usama Young!!

JUDGE: Uh...since the United States government declares this man to be Usama Young and therefore a good guy, this chamber of commerce will not dispute it. Case dismissed!