Sunday, December 4, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

NFL Power Rankings (Week 13 - 2011)

Yeah, so one Skittle-riffic game was already played, whatever... It's not like the Seahawks or Eagles were moving THAT much. As always, I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

In honor of the new Muppets movie, I'm tossing out some Muppet bits for this edition of the Rankings. Sorry, Facts and Chicks blog, maybe next time...

Mahna Mahna, folks.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)
31. St. Louis Rams (2-9): Steve Spagnuolo is not to blame for this team sucking as much as it has. Injuries and a slew of holes across the roster are to blame. That and their receivers are a bunch of #nocatchingmotherfuckers
30. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)
29. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7): And to think, Jaguar fans, you guys could have had Tebow... #wanking
27. Kansas City Chiefs (4-7)
26. Miami Dolphins (3-8)
25. San Diego Chargers (4-7)
24. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7): Well, their season sure went tits up in a hurry...
23. Washington Redskins (4-7)
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneeers (4-7)
21. Carolina Panthers (3-8)

Here's the one sad thing about the new Muppets movie: Statler and Waldorf are barely in it, but they've been getting watered down for years to begin with. Take a look at the above video. They're trading barbs with MILTON BERLE, for fuck's sake! These guys were biting, sarcastic and clever.

20. Arizona Cardinals (4-7)
19. Seattle Seahawks (4-7): Marshawn Lynch's favorite beer: Skittlebrau
18. Buffalo Bills (5-6)
17. New York Jets (6-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-5): Hope everybody on the set of First Take carries a poncho to work if Tebow makes the playoffs. Skip Bayless will spooge like the scene in Scary Movie 2.
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Oakland Raiders (7-4)
13. Tennessee Titans (6-5)
12. Chicago Bears (7-4)
11. Atlanta Falcons (7-4)

Sam the Eagle, FTW. No, seriously, I think he'd win the GOP nomination at this point. And he'd probably beat Pres. Obama. I would look forward to an "the Eagle/ Fozzy Bear" administration. Fozzy's not qualified, you say? He's cuddlier than Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, that's for damn sure...

10. Detroit Lions (7-4): Enjoy this visit in the Top 10, fellas, cause you may be off it next week.
9. Houston Texans (8-3): Since they're on their backup to the backup and have signed Jake Delhomme to be THAT guy's backup... (checks watch.) Yep, the Texans collapse is right on schedule.
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-4): Still relevant this season, folks. Bully for them.
7. New England Patriots (8-3): God, I hate the Patriots...
6. Dallas Cowboys (7-4): But not as much as I hate the Cowboys...
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3): And nowhere NEAR as much as I hate the Steelers!
4. San Francisco 49ers (9-2): Still the number 2 seed with five games to go. They play the Rams twice, the Cardinals and Seahawks, and the Steelers. Any chance they lose at least two of those games?
3. Baltimore Ravens (8-3): Which looks more ridiculous on Joe Flacco: eyebrows or facial hair? Ugly jokes, folks. That's why you've come here.
2. New Orleans Saints (8-3): If I were Tom Condon...first thing I'd do after Breesus signs his new contract is I'd go down to Walmart, buy every copy of every Madea movie on DVD and Bluray, bring them home and take up skeet shooting.
1. Green Bay Packers (11-0): I am yet to feel any animosity toward Aaron Rodgers. I ought to at least not like the guy for this season, but nope; dude's alright in my book. But anywho...fuck Brett Favre as always...