Thursday, October 30, 2008

Well that didn't take long, did it?

Psst, Coach Payton? Uh, we didn't have a game this weekend, so you really didn't need to bring in the new kicker and punter just yet. You have to understand how New Orleans sports works: something bad happens, radio call-in guy (a cousin of Message Board Guy, I'm sure) gets all worked up in a rich lather of seething contempt and calls in to vent his rage, only his message--idiotic as it might be--comes out sounding garbled and confused. He needed to time to opine for Morten Andersen or bringing back John Carney. Hell, there might have been some assholes who wanted to see if Olindo Mare deserved another crack at things to redeem himself. But I digress...

So we dumped that seemingly inconsistent rookie whom we drafted and a journeyman punter undrafted rookie who couldn't make it into training camp with the Broncos and another journeyman punter. Look, Coach Payton, I know this sounds I'm second guessing your every move when it comes to the special teams. It's cause I am. I mean, every coach has to have something that fans can dump on him for. Coach Norv Turner couldn't get a team to play defensive ball to save his ass (actually, save his defensive coordinator's ass), Coach Brad Childress was stubborn in sticking with one quarterback who clearly could not get the job done, Andy Reid and Romeo Crennel have God awful clock management skills, first year coach Jim Zorn has demonstrated a lack of understanding on when you're supposed to use time outs, Bill Belichick is a fraud and everything he's done will have a taint on it, and Coach Tony Dungy hates gay people.

So, really, Coach Payton, I can deal with you swinging erratically and missing when it comes to special teams. Now come here and hug it out with me!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Cue the Morten Andersen victory lap...

Well, Ralph pontificated it earlier this week on the podcast and now it has come to pass: Taylor Melhaff was cut after stoinking an extra point in London against the Chargers. This only stokes the flames of the "Bring back Morten Andersen!" pyre. And the punter Ben Graham was sacked as well. Sorry, I still have some London residue on me...Uh, the punter was "let go" by the team. That's better.

I'm not sure if getting rid of a rookie kicker was really the right thing, especially since we used a draft pick on him; but shit, what do I know? I would have kept John Carney in the first place. Oh well, it seems we're headed toward the inevitable, "let's dust Morten off and trot him out there so nobody will boo us on special teams anymore" move by Coach Payton. Can't say I blame him. He's not exactly been batting 1.000 with these decisions on kickers.

I think Ralph and I might chip in and buy Grandmaster Wang over at Moose Denied a six-pack to help cope with the loss of Sideshow Mehl.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Drew Brees will get your ass shit canned!

Most of us think of Drew as a great guy; Humanitarian and rebuilder of our fine city. He's also a ruthless mother fucker that gets defensive coordinators sent to the Soup line. Brees had to know his 341 yards and three touchdowns would get Charger Defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell kicked to the curb. And in such tough economic times.

We have a new word to describe Brees-- Asshole.

Or maybe Norv Turner and Cottrell stink like 4 day old fish.

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 8 ed.)

No BS, just rankings. Campbell Brown would be proud.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)
31. Detroit Lions (0-7)
30. Oakland Raiders (2-5)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)
26. St. Louis Rams (2-5)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
23. San Diego Chargers (3-5)
22. Cleveland Browns (3-4)
21. Houston Texans (3-4)
20. Indianapolis Colts (3-4)
19. Miami Dolphins (3-4)
18. New York Jets (4-3)
17. New Orleans Saints (4-4)
16. Denver Broncos (4-3)
15. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
14. Chicago Bears (4-3)
13. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)
12. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)
11. Green Bay Packers (4-3)
10. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)
9. New England Patriots (5-2)
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3)
7. Dallas Cowboys (5-3)
6. Buffalo Bills (5-2)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
4. Washington Redskins (6-2)
3. Carolina Panthers (6-2)
2. New York Giants (6-1)
1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Saints Win! Ole! Ole-Ole-Ole!

"Thank Christ," I shouted before departing the bar around 3:25 Sunday afternoon. With the Saints victorious, I could fully enjoy the rest of my day just lounging around with nothing to do. Hell, going in to work on Monday would be less of a chore thanks to Brees and company. But the Saints sure as shit didn't make it look easy. Oh, Drew Brees made it look easy; Lance Moore made it look easy; but the Saints defense certainly could not hold up their end throughout.

Was anyone else having flashbacks to Jim Henderson's infamous "How could he DO that?!?" call when Taylor Mehlhafff put an extra point off the upright? I know I was thinking about how such a thing would come back to bite us in the ass. And then there was Sean Payton's "We're up by seven on a fourth and two with just fourteen seconds left. I know, let's have Drew Brees run backward for a safety to cut our lead down to just five points, and THEN we'll kick to the Chargers on a shorter field. It's crazy enough to work!" scheme. Listen, coach, you're up by seven, why in fuck's name do you cut the lead to five and turn the ball over with a shorter field.

Sure, Drew Brees took six seconds off the clock, but why do that when a punt return for a TD is scored the same if there's eight seconds on the clock or even one second on the clock? The average NFL punt hangs in the air for 4.6 seconds, Coach Payton. Since the clock runs from the moment the ball is snapped to the punter, you're adding another second on top of that. So you're putting the ball in Darren Sproles' hands with eight or nine seconds left in the game, same as you did with having Drew Brees run into the end zone for a safety. Plus, you're putting Sproles back further in his own territory then if you had taken the safety, so he's actually got to run further to make up that time...(shakes head).

Look, the Saints won, even though I thought they wouldn't. I'm happy to be wrong.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

It's not the Superdome, but it'll do.

New Wembley Stadium, one of the many images and/or things associated with England, specifically London. Where the Saints will play one of their home games. Thanks, Commissioner Goodell!!! (Sarcasm, you dickheaded ginger kid.) Here are things to look for between the Saints and Chargers, set to The Clash's "This is England."

Total Yards: Saints - 402.3 ypd; Chargers - 327.6 ypg
Passing YPG: Saints - 310.9 ypg; Chargers - 232.9 ypg
Rushing YPG: Saints - 91.4 ypg; Chargers - 94.7 ypg
TOP: Saints - 31:12; Chargers - 27:28
Third Down Conversions: Saints - 48 percent; Chargers - 45 percent
Points Per Game: Saints - 25.6 ppg; Chargers - 27.4 ppg
TO Ratio: Saints - minus 4; Chargers - plus 1

Total Yards Allowed: Saints - 331.4 ypg; Chargers - 366.3 ypg
Passing Yards Allowed: Saints - 222.4 ypg; Chargers - 254.6 ypg
Rushing Yards Allowed: Saints - 109 ypg; Chargers - 111.7 ypg
Points Allowed: Saints - 23.3 ppg; Chargers - 23.1 ppg
Opp. Third Down Conversions: Saints - 36 percent; Chargers - 35 percent

What does all this stuff tell us?

1. LaDainian Tomlinson and his "fuck-me" toe are not dominating like I thought they would. I care because I took him with the first pick in my fantasy draft. Thanks for fucking me big time, LT.

2. Norv Turner can't manage a defense to save his own fucking life. Anything involving Norv Turner deserves to have the word "fuck" thrown around early and often.

With those two points made abundantly clear, you'd think this is setting the stage for the Saints to run and pass roughshod over the Chargers. I wish that were the case. I believe we're setting ourselves up for a ball-buster of a game, where the Saints look like they're going to win ugly, only to lose in the last minutes.

Chargers - 16, Saints - 14

I'm not happy about picking against the Saints, but hey, these are harsh times we're living in. Oh, look, a "Wallace and Gromit" video set to Bohemian Rhapsody:

Hey, look, an LSU post!

I was emailed by my "Guy Who Knows a Guy" following LSU's 14-point loss against Georgia on Saturday. He follows the Tigers very closely and made several interesting points that I share with you now:

"Many people are asking what is wrong with the Tigers in 2008, considering they were returning quite a few players on defense and their offensive line was mainly intact, minus five-yard penalty monger Carnell Stewart. A few things:

"1. Inexperience at QB. Many leave the stadium uttering that the QBs are terrible. They aren’t terrible, just inexperienced. They have made plays this season and during key times. They have made some destructive decisions at times, especially Jarrett Lee. He is in his fourth year playing football and the best the Tigers have at the position. They will grow at the position and eventually be pretty good; patience is key, which many people don’t possess.

"2. The loss of Bo Pelini is hurting. Doug Mallory and Bradley Dale Peveto are quality coaches. They have coached in big games, coached very good players and know football. A lot of ppl are complaining that the duel coordinating system isn’t working and that 1 or both need to go. I disagree w/ the last one emphatically. The first complaint - Mallory and Peveto coordinate the game plan for opponents and Mallory makes the calls. Do they have a Pelini on staff to check them and be a valuable resource? No. That's where some of the prob. comes in. Like the QB play, it’s about inexperience in this case.

"3. Linebackers don’t make enough plays. The D-Line frees up blockers and they dont make plays in space when they need to. Ali Highsmith was a very good college LB and is sorely missed.

"4. Too much faith is put into 44 Danny McCray as the nickel. No. 44 has not made enough plays and his technique isn’t very good.

"5. Chad Jones isn’t on the field enough.

"6. True freshman CB Patrick Peterson is a good player in year one. If he had that spring that he lost because he had to stay in high school, he would be very good. The 15 spring practices would have him playing at an even higher level. He is a good tackler and is good in coverage. His technique is solid. Eugene is shaky at best at times; Hawkins has been okay. Peterson may be the best corner LSU has.

"7. Why does Miles shuffle the punters? Bad enough you have to guess who is punting b/c he is cute w/ the jersey numbers. One is left footed, the other right footed and they wear diff. colored shoes anyway. I pointed that out over a month ago. Jasper hit a 42-43 yard punt yesterday in his only effort. Dalfrey is inconsistent. He hit a 65 yd punt in pre-game before they went into the lockerroom. He hit two punts that didn’t turn over in the game. Dalfrey has one of the best legs I have seen in high school; he is just inconsistent at this level. He was a three-step punter in high school and has been converted to a short two-step punter.

"8. Unaccountability in the receiving corps. Byrd worried about NFL career, didn’t have a great season in wt room. So much so that Tommy Moffitt told NFL scouts during last spring's pro day. Brandon LaFell has dropped balls at times this year, sound familiar? He isn’t the most coachable player, either. Terrence Toliver has not emerged as a solid WR in yr two - very immature off the field and on. Chris Mitchell has been the most dependable of the group so far.

Two of their last three, the Tigers’ opponents scored more than 50. Florida and Georgia are very good teams; and Florida may be the best team in the country, even with one loss."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Saints players want to be skinny bitches! Fuck me

2008 is the year we'll all remember the year all Saints fans got hate fucked by God, the injury whore, and now..steroids!

Mort from ESPN is reporting Deuce and Will Smith took water pills or some shit to lose weight. And will eventually be suspended.


Add Nesbit into that mix and you got your self a full on fucking scandal.

Why are Saints players so obsessed with losing weight? Just do coke and smoke like any super model.

This season sucks.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Your Real NFL Rankings (Week 7 ed.)

As usual, here are your no fuss, no muss NFL Power Rankings for Week 7.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)
31. Detroit Lions (0-6)
30. Kansas City Chioefs (1-5)
29. Seattle Seahawks (1-5)
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-5)
27. Cleveland Browns (2-4)
26. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
25. Miami Dolphins (2-4)
24. St. Louis Rams (2-4)
23. Houston Texans (2-4)
22. New Orleans Saints (3-4)
21. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)
20. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
19. New York Jets (3-3)
18. San Diego Chargers (3-4)
17. Denver Broncos (4-3)
16. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)
13. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
12. New England Patriots (4-2)
11. Dallas Cowboys (4-3)
10. Chicago Bears (4-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (4-3)
8. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)
7. Washington Redskins (5-2)
6. Carolina Panthers (5-2)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2)
4. New York Giants (5-1)
3. Buffalo Bills (5-1)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1)
1. Tennessee Titans (6-0)

The Roundup: Cherry Beer, Death and other shit

Moosedenied says the Saints are soft and uses many glorious explitives to prove it. Meanwhile Malbrough over at WWL has taken to drinking cherry beer and bitching about Sean Payton ruining his life.

And CCC has a distrubing photo of Reggie and Kim in the hospital

And if ESPN doesn't stop licking Haslett's balls I will vomit...fuck me fuck you and fuck this shitty season.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Radio Show tonight you bastards

The fine owner of this here blog ,Mr. Held, will be on the podcast tonight at 7pm with Ralph Malbrough from

Maybe Malbrough can explain this crappy column about the Saints being soft...oh yeah they are! Fuck him anyway.

Oh and they'll preview LSU-Georgia and predict when Haslett will start fucking up the Rams!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Your Depressing Music Video(s) of the Week...

Saints lose to division foes the Carolina Panthers, and badly I might add. And, since I live in St. Louis these days, I had to watch the game in a bar also featuring the Rams' victory over the Cowboys. The Jim Haslett coached St. Louis Rams destroyed the preseason favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. Yeah, I don't know what I did to anger God lately, but there's some serious bad karma at play here:

Oh, and I just found out Reggie Bush is missing three to four weeks with a knee injury. Classic Saints. You get a two-fer on the depressing music videos:

Let's see if I can accurately describe what's going on here in Mr. Held Over's "over-priced loft" right now: frustration, despair, feeling misbegotten and mocked, like we are all here for the amusing of a laughing, puppeteer God. Yep, it's pretty fuckin' bleak right now. And I have no booze with which to drown my sorrows.

I wish I could just masturbate my pain away...

Oh, Cheryl Cole, you're a sweetheart for trying, but I can't focus on your hotness right now...

You, too, Monica Bellucci. Sure, your pictures have made the rounds this week on plenty of sports blogs, and I've said you're a Top 5 babe since even before "Brotherhood of the Wolf," but I'm in no mood even for your awesomeness. I think I just need to sit down and sulk this one out.

Ah, Statler and Waldorf...nah, not even you two can cheer me up at this point. Maybe later...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

"I Need A Weapon." Yeah? Drew Brees has tons of 'em, Master Chief.

Drew Brees will make you a weapon out of a anything, Master Chief. Need a short range weapon, like one of those crazy swords the Elites were using in Halo 2? Yeah, Drew's got Deuce McAllister for you. Need something a little more versatile? How about something that could either blow up in your face on a regular basis or cause severe, crippling damage from long range, like a rocket launcher? Two words, sir: Reggie Bush.

Wait, instead of a rocket launcher, how about something that's either totally hit or miss? Ah, then we've got the perfect sniper-type, deep threat receiver duo for you: Devery Henderson and Robert Meachem. These two either catch the deep passes, or they bumblefuck it up with heart wrenching futility. (Note: Look, I couldn't find video of Henderson catching passes. And I still remember him as "stone hands" Henderson, anyways. Sorry, Grand Master Wang.)

But wait, Master Chief, perhaps you'd like to work a shotgun. The weapon, not the formation. Well, I've got a special for you: Marques Colston. Seventh rounder out of little known Hofstra University. Shit, Master Chief, they're more known for hosting debates than their football, dude. And this Colston cat has been laying hurt across the field.

What's that? Still looking for something else with devastating power...but with an alien-type background? #9 also has available a Mr. Jeremy Shockey. We're not totally sure where he comes from, but he's definitely a "Needler" kinda guy. (Note: Seriously, Jeremy? Wings? Arrrrrrrr!!)

Or...maybe you like old trusty, the machine gun? Drew Brees also has David Patten at his disposal. When all else fails, go with whatever you have available.

Now, some of you might be asking, "what's Drew Brees then?" Motherfucker's a pistol. And not just any pistol, but the pistol from the first "Halo." That shit was little, but oh so effective.

(Top image by Sports Illustrated, but a 'Hat Tip' to Deadspin nonetheless.)

Friday, October 17, 2008

NFC Sucks and Malbrough loves it

Malbrough over at rants against the Cowboys and compares Eli to Jim Everett? WTF?

At least he's back to writing those long 2,000 word epics which help me waste time on Friday's...

Tale of the Tape: Saints versus Panthers

Let's dispense with my "stat that really bothers me" up front: with Jake Delhomme under center, the Carolina Panthers have twice lost back-to-back games in which they lost that first game by more than 14 points. I said once on the radio show, but I missed that other game. Sorry. Both happened during the 2004 season, during their six-game losing streak. And after last week's 27-3 tub-thumping at the hands of division rival Tampa Bay, Saints fans better believe the Panthers will be out to stick it to our team. They've got pride on the line and a possible shot at first place in the division.

For the Saints, a victory puts us at 4-3, with a pair of wins over division opponents. A loss keeps us under .500 heading into our "home game" in London against the suddenly rejuvenated Chargers. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Total Offense: Saints - 412.2 ypg (2nd); Panthers - 322 ypg (16th)
Pass Offense: Saints - 324.7 ypg (1st); Panthers - 212.8 ypg (14th)
Rush Offense: Saints - 525 ypg (23rd); Panthers - 655 ypg (14th)
Points Per Game: Saints - 28.7 ppg (4th); Panthers - 19.5 ppg (23rd)

Total Defense: Saints - 330.7 ypg (19th); Panthers - 264.5 ypg (3rd)
Pass Defense: Saints - 227.3 ypg (21st); Panthers - 158.8 ypg (2nd)
Rush Defense: Saints - 103.3 ypg (14th); Panthers - 105.7 ypg (15th)

Based on the numbers, I would say the way to beating the Panthers on their own field is to: a) Find a way to run the ball on them, which means using more of Deuce; and b) keeping their own two-headed running attack in check.

Obviously, if Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey and David Patten are playing, that will make an already dangerous offense even more potent, splitting coverage up, opening things up for the ground game.

Here's what scares the hell out of me: seeing Jason David line up in coverage against Mushin Muhammad. Hey, Mush had a pretty damn good game against the Falcons in week 4 (8 catches, 147 yards, 1 touchdown), so the Saints better not rely on one-on-one coverage here.

Prediction: Saints 27, Panthers 20

Deuce and Reggie combine for more than 150 rushing yards; Colston starts, with Shockey and Patten seeing limited action; Drew Brees passes for two touchdowns and an INT; Melhalff kicks two field goals.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tuesday roundup: Cowgirls, Sideshow Mel and RADIO SHOW TONIGHT!

The Cowgirls went ahead and traded for Roy Williams but it won't stop their implosion. And remember kids anything bad that happens to other NFC teams is good for the Saints! Grandmaster Wang over at moosedenied is kind of blah about the win . But he's super pumped about Taylor 'Sideshow ' Mehlhaff. Wang we demand a 10,000 word love letter when Taylor hits a 45 yarder to beat the Panthers! Malbrough rambles on about Brees, the Raiders sucking and back rubs. And CCC breaks it all down scientifically .


7pm. Kevin and Ralph break down the upcoming Panthers game and maybe even a guest blogger from Carolina.

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 6 ed.)

As always, no explanation given for these rankings.

32. Detroit Lions (0-5)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6)
30. Seattle Seahawks (1-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-4)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-4)
26. Houston Texans (1-4)
25. Baltimore Ravens (2-3)
24. Cleveland Browns (2-3)
23. San Francisco 49ers (2-4)
22. Miami Dolphins (2-3)
21. New England Patriots (3-2)
20. Chicago Bears (3-3)
19. Minnesota Vikings (3-3)
18. New York Jets (3-2)
17. New Orleans Saints (3-3)
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)
14. Denver Broncos (3-3)
13. Carolina Panthers (4-2)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
11. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)
10. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
9. San Diego Chargers (3-3)
8. Washington Redskins (4-2)
7. New York Giants (4-1)
6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2)
4. Buffalo Bills (4-1)
3. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1)
1. Tennessee Titans (5-0)

Victory is so sweet fucktards


The Haz man is BAAAAAACK!

My Rams went Bam upside Jim Zorn's head!

And we did in true HAZ Man team style

10 penalties, only 200 yards of offense with what looks like a game plan I drew up on a napkin on the bus ride to the stadium.


My main man Rick Venturi's defense played a heckava game.

We held that weirdo Clinton Portis to only 129 yards rushing and had those fucking retard indians dropping footballs all over the place.

Plus I found the next Kyle Turley!

Richie Incognito made just like old rioded up Turley by doing something incredibly dump at the end of the game.


Rick get your head out my ass..where are the fucking cheerleaders?!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

No Depressing Music Here, Please!

Let's see if I have this straight: the New Orleans Saints hold the Oakland Raiders' third-ranked running attack to just 85 yards? And force two turnovers, one of which was an interception by...(checks paper)...hold on...(checks a second paper)...I want to make sure I have this right...Ja-son Da-vid?

(Checks online.) And a team coached by Jim Haslett won? With Rick Venturi as the defensive coordinator? And Haslett actually admitted he made a mistake in not benching Aaron Brooks several years ago and starting Jake Delhomme? Yep, we've officially entered bizarro world.

So, where do I start? Oh yeah: Drew Brees is your Most Valuable Player in the NFL through six weeks. With Tom Brady out and Peyton Manning still playing catch-up, Drew Brees is easily the best quarterback in the league. He's putting up great numbers without his starting wide receiver and tight end, and with a running game that still leaves a lot to be desired.

Brees has completed 71 percent of his passes, good for second in the NFL; has thrown for 1,993 yards (first) and is on pace to throw for over 5,300 yards; has a 105 QB rating, again good for tops in the league; has the most completions over 20 and 40 yards, respectively; he's only been sacked six times (fifth best); and has thrown 12 TDs, second behind Brett Favre.

So you need to try and tell me why Drew Brees is not the league's most valuable player. And by "you," I mean the same jackasses who've been going on and on about how Reggie Bush is a "bust."

Since you idiots clearly can't pull your heads out of your collective asses (see: Hochuli, Ed) long enough to understand what Reginald brings to the table, I submit exhibit a -- fantasy stats. I'm in a Yahoo league and--before today's game--Reggie had the third highest total points of any offensive player, behind Jay Cutler and Drew Brees. The only wrinkle in this league is that receptions count for a point, but that's neither here nor there. Factoring in today's game, Reggie leads the NFL in receptions with 41 catches and has eight total touchdowns.

Is Reggie the best running back in the league? No. I'm not trying to make that argument. Hell, I wouldn't even say Reggie is in the top 8 best running backs in the league. (For the record: LT, Westbrook, Peterson, MJD, Gore, Barber, Lynch, and Jackson. I'll even tack on Ronnie Brown and Michael Turner to make it an even ten.) What I'm saying is the following people need to drink themselves a nice, healthy glass of "Shut the fuck up!"

Mike Freeman, CBS Sportsline: Thought I forgot about this one, didn't you, you shit stirrer, you?

Michael David Smith, AOL Sports: Saints show how not to use Reggie Bush, huh? How 'bout you "kiss my Converse?"

Mike Florio, Pro Football Talk: Reggie versus Adrian was just a hype job, eh, Mike? Tell that to the Vikings' punter, dickbag.

From now on, ANYBODY named Mike or Michael with a negative opinion on Reggie Bush can just go cram it up their ass, okay?

As far as everybody else goes...It's Time to Party! Hit it, Andrew!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Why the Fuck did the saints get rid of Olindo Mare?

(Malbrough over at brings up an interesting point about the Saints kicking game. But remember that Fucktard like Bobblehead. Fuck that guy.)

Now that the Martin Gramatica experience is over, we begin the Taylor Mehlhaff party.

While I really hope all the people that wanted Mehlhaff to win the job can say, “I told you so!” because he becomes the next Morten Andersen, there is no guarantee it will happen.
The Saints kicking game right now is a disaster. Will you have any confidence field goals will be made? And Lord help us if the game is on the line. Until the rookie wins a game with a clutch kick it will be hard to have any faith at all.
This has been Sean Payton’s biggest blunder.
Forget Jason David.
Payton decided to get rid of a Pro Bowl level and clutch kicker in John Carney.
Better kickoffs.
Carney’s weren’t good enough so in comes Olindo Mare.
He went into probably the worst slump of his career, comes out of it, and then gets injured.
Saints cut him for whatever reason.
By the way, Mare hasn’t missed a kick in 2008 in case you were wondering.
So basically Sean Payton’s handling of the kicking game has made mortgage companies think, “ Does that guy know what he’s doing?”
My attitude on kickers is if they make field goals and game winners like Carney did then I don’t care about how good their kickoffs are.
It’s the other ten guys job to make the tackle, not the kickers job to put the ball in the end zone.
So Sean Payton who I think is a really good coach and been very good on personal overall now finds his team with a fatal flaw at kicker.
And the solution: A rookie.
Cross your fingers people.
On to this weeks games
Last Week: 2-3
Season: 14-11

New Orleans (+7.5) vs. Oakland: I figure this game goes one of two ways. The Saints come out flat and the Raiders run the ball down their throat. JaMarcus Russell has a fantastic homecoming and at 2-4 the Saints are given a toe tag for the 2008 season.
Or the Saints come out mad. Mad at themselves for giving away games, the stupid pre-snap penalties, the bad calls by the refs, and just because they are in the Superdome… mad at the Raiders.
A beating commences and Oakland is dragged from end zone to end zone until all the Saints frustrations over the first five weeks are cleansed. I’ll take the latter. You just know the whole Al Davis firing Lane Kiffin has to blow up in the old man’s face.
The bye week won’t help the Raiders.
Saints 45-13

Tampa Bay (+1.5) vs. Carolina: I’m not really thinking the pathetic Bucs offense can get a win but if they did it would really help the Saints and help tighten up the South.
Come on Jeff Garcia! I know you can complete a pass for more than 10 yards.
Bucs 16-9
Atlanta (+3) vs. Chicago: The Falcons are pretty good. They get after the QB, Matt Ryan doesn’t screw things up, and Michael Turner is a power back. And the Bears won’t score enough.
Falcons 23-17
Miami (+3) at Houston: My friend Brian texted me during Houston’s meltdown, “Like watching the Saints without all the agony.” Indeed. Until Monday against the Vikings. How does Houston recovery from that? Oh and shouldn’t the Dolphins play clips from the movie ‘Wildcats’ every time they break out the formation? Of course they should.
Dolphins 27-3

The Autumn Wind Rolls into the Dome...

When I was in high school, one of my best friends used to joke that if he was ever going to do drugs he'd skip the "Gateway Drug" that is marijuana and go straight to something harsh -- like black tar heroin. Well, after witnessing the Saints' inability to close a third game this season with my own eyes, I'm moving ever closer to become a drug addict. Something has to take away the pain this team is capable of inflicting, right? Hence, your Friday song, "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains:

This song is also appropriate for my brief preview of the Saints' game this Sunday against the Raiders. We're supposed to win this game, right? Right? Just like the game against the Vikings? Or how about that game against the Redskins? The only solace I have in that game is that the Redskins have emerged as one of the second best team in the NFC, behind the New York Giants. In short, we lost to a better team that day. Wish I could say the same thing about that Vikings game, though...

Total Defense: Saints - 351.6 ypg; Raiders - 326 ypg
Run Defense: Saints - 107 ypg; Raiders - 113.2 ypg
Pass Defense: Saints - 244.6 ypg ; Raiders - 212.8 ypg
Points Allowed: Saints - 26 ppg; Raiders - 25.2 ppg

Total Offense: Saints - 406.4 ypg; Raiders - 308 ypg
Run Offense: Saints - 80.6 ypg ; Raiders - 155 ypg
Pass Offense: Saints - 325.8 ypg; Raiders - 153 ypg
Points Scored: Saints - 27.6 ppg ; Raiders - 19.5 ppg

It's critical that the Saints defend against the run...wait a second. The Saints were able to hold Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor to just 40 yards rushing on 24 total attempts. And that meant Gus Frerotte had to beat the Saints in the air, which he did. And now that Tracy Porter is done for the year, we'll be seeing more of Jason David in the secondary. We need to put more guys back in coverage...wait a second. We can't do that either.

The Raiders have the third best running game in the league, with Darren McFadden and Michael Bush splitting carries in the backfield. JaMarcus Russell might have hit his stride in their last game, throwing for 277 yards against the Chargers. And then there's the whole, "let's play really well for a new head coach" theory.

Why do I have a feeling that this will not end well for the Saints? Should I start looking for some shady drug dealer who can hook me up now? Or should I actually wait until 3:01 p.m. to find my smack? Cause I suspect the defense is going to let down the offense big time this week.

Prediction: Raiders 26, Saints 24

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Martin, could you come to the office? And bring your playbook, please?

Martin Gramatica, aka 'The Human Bobblehead' and aka 'The Hobbit' and aka 'The Argentine Mule' and aka 'Automatica Gramatica,' is likely going to be phased out before Sunday's game against the Oakland Raiders in favor of rookie Taylor Mehlhaff. He's Canadian, I think.

Seems like Mehlhaff is getting his golden opportunity in the league, and good for him.

So long, Martin, I'll always remember your perm, your celebratory leaps and overreaction to field goals. "Dear Casey, could you play, 'Wayward Son' for my friend, Martin? Thanks, Kevin."

We bid you a fond farewell, Martin:

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 5 ed.)

It's like your College Poll in the newspaper. No analysis, no jokes, just rankings.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5)
31. Detroit Lions (0-4)
30. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
29. Houston Texans (0-4)
28. Seattle Seahawks (1-3)
27. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4)
26. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
25. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
24. San Francisco (2-3)
23. New Orleans Saints (2-3)
22. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3)
19. Green Bay Packers (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)
17. Atlanta Falcons (3-2)
16. New York Jets (2-2)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3)
14. Baltimore Ravens (2-2)
13. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
12. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
10. Chicago Bears (3-2)
9. New England Patriots (3-1)
8. Denver Broncos (4-1)
7. Buffalo Bills (4-1)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1)
5. Carolina Panthers (4-1)
4. Dallas Cowboys (4-1)
3. Washington Redskins (4-1)
2. Tennessee Titans (5-0)
1. New York Giants (4-0)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

That's not my "fill in the quote" for the picture with Sean Payton--though I'd gamble it was that, or something similar to it--that's what I said to my friends ad nauseam as we left the Superdome to find the St. Charles streetcar line.

If anyone would have come to me before Monday's game and asked, "Say, Kevin, suppose we can hold the Vikings' to LESS THAN 50 RUSHING YARDS, do you think we can win?" My response would have been as follows: "Not only will we win if that happens, but Brad Childress may be shot on the spot if he can't figure out how to get Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor more than 100 rushing yards total against the Saints' defense."

So apparently...I'm a fucking idiot, but at least Brad "Major Dad" Childress ought to be used for target practice at a skeet shooting meet. Excellent.

Oh, and the Saints also lost Tracy Porter for the year with a wrist injury, meaning we all get to ride The Jason David Experience for the rest of the year. Sheesh.

I am ready to declare the Saints' 2008 season an official wash. That's not the same as declaring your season DOA (see: the St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, and Cincinnati Bengals) but rather the acknowledgment that things just have not gone your way and likely will continue in a similar manner, no matter what the team or coaches do. I'm not blaming Sean Payton for this. GM Mickey Loomis gets a pass, too. Even Tom Benson; and all my friends know how much I loathe Tom Benson.

No, when you lose your first two picks of the previous draft, both of whom were starters, and your Pro Bowl-caliber tight end and starting wide out, the number two man on the WR depth chart, etc., then you need to reevaluate your expectations for the season. And my 11-5, we're going to the Super Bowl analysis of the situation just isn't cutting it. So I'm officially LOWERING THE BAR to a 7-9 record in which Drew Brees throws for over 4,000 yards again and Reggie Bush manages to score 15 total offensive touchdowns.

Look, there's not a lot the Saints can do when: a) Ed Hochuli can't seem to pull his head out of his own ass long enough to see a face mask penalty and to know what a fumble looks like, and b) a lot of their starters are missing weeks at a time.

Trust me, Saints fans, Martin Gramatica is the least of our worries right now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Monday Night Football Recap!!! On a Tuesday...

Yeah, me and the Ralpha-Dog will be hosting "Forecast Radio" Tuesday night at 8 p.m. to go over the Saints-Vikings' game. Ralph is sick and hardly has a voice, I'm in town and don't have access to a computer for immediately after the game, so we've pushed the show back until after I get back to St. Louis.

Hey, it's better than watching that Presidential debate.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sean Payton's "Degree of Difficulty"

Win without your Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver? Check.

Win without your Pro Bowl accomplished tight end, whom you just acquired this off-season? Check.

Win with one of your starting offensive linemen out due to 'suspension?' Check.

Win with one of your starting defensive linemen out for the year with an injured tricep (whom you later released)? Check.

Win with Jason David actually playing in the secondary? Check.

Win with Sedrick Ellis, your first round pick in the 2008 NFL Draft and part of your revamped, highly-paid defensive line, sitting out with a torn medial meniscus? Uh, not so fast with the "Check" my friend...

SON. OF. A. BITCH!!!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Pop Quiz, Assholes...

You got a guy who's on pace to 1,760 total yards of offense and 12 TDs. Do you call that guy a bust? Nope? Okay, well, I just described Reggie Bush. So shut the fuck up, haters.

This story by AOL Sports' Michael David Smith is bad enough, but then the comment brigade comes in and really screws things up.