Friday, February 29, 2008

CP3 has three letters, MVP has three letters, can't be a coincidence!

If you told me that Chris Paul could fly, I'd believe you.

If you said that CP3 could fly so fast that he could disrupt the Earth's rotation and essentially reverse history for the better, I'd buy it, too.

But if you told me that Paul hangs out with Michael Jordan and actually drops some comedy on "His Airness," I'd have said no f-ing way...until now.

Chris Paul For Most Valuable Player.

Sorry, Kevin Garnett...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Forecast: Saints Free Agency is like a Mosquito at a Nudist Colony

Leave it to Ralph Malbrough at to come up with a fucked up analogy when discussing what the Saints should do in free agency...We think Tom Benson should give Lance Briggs and Asante Samuel the Moon and Bourbon Street or maybe a nice hot poboy...mmm poboy ....

By Ralph Malbrough

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley was asked this week about rebuilding the Heat from the disaster they are right now. He said, “I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what I need to do I just don’t know where to start.”

It’s also the perfect way to some up what Sean Payton and Mickey Loomis face starting Friday at 12am when NFL free agency starts.

Everyone knows what the Saints need to do: fix the defense.

But where should they begin?

Perhaps a shutdown corner like Asante Samuel would be the cure for the Saints ailing secondary?

Then again the Giants just won the Super Bowl and I couldn’t pick their corners out of a police lineup if they were wearing their jerseys.

So maybe the Saints should sign a big time linebacker like the Bears Lance Briggs to give them a big time defensive playmaker in the front seven?

With so many holes to fill on defense maybe the Saints need to spread their money around and not focus on one big ticket player.

Sure a 55 inch HD plasma screen is nice but if your den consists of a bean bag, 3 folding chairs, and four rotting walls maybe the nice TV is a luxury that needs to wait while the floor is fixed and walls are painted.

And that’s the way I view the Saints situation.

Yes, Asante Samuel would look good in a Saints uniform but for 75-100 million and a 25 million dollar bonus? The only position in the NFL that should get that kind of cash is quarterback, period.

Plus, if quarterbacks still have all day to throw, he won’t help much at all.

Oh yeah, Samuel isn’t physical corner and likes to read the quarterback to make plays.

The Saints have gone down this road before (See David, Jason) and we know how that turned out. If you though fans were rough on Jason David imagine if he was making 10 million a year?
The Saints need to focus on making quarterbacks uncomfortable.

Enter Lance Briggs.

Briggs could give the Saints an athletic force at the weakside linebacker spot to team with Scott Fujita.

And he’ll probably only cost 50 million, not 100 which is good because the Saints have more shopping to do.

Briggs would be a semi-big ticket item and the first Pro-Bowl caliber linebacker since Winfred Tubbs had one great year under Mike Ditka then bolted to San Francisco.

The Saints need secondary help so Eugene Wilson of New England would be an excellent fit and won’t break the bank.

Like all Patriot defenders he can play multiple positions and he could be the ball hawking safety the Saints have lacked since Sammy Knight left.

I just spent about 65 million dollars of Tom Benson’s money in the last 3 paragraphs and it sure was fun.

The problem for the Saints is the free agent market lacks the thing they need the most: A middle linebacker.

If you don’t believe they are desperate for a middle linebacker then how do you explain them lusting after a washed up Zach Thomas and concussion ridden Dan Morgan?

Of course NFL free agency gets weaker every year as teams have learned to lock up their good players before their contracts expire.

Not a very exciting spending spree I just conjured up is it?

The Redskins win free agency every year and look what it’s gotten them? Not much except the worst salary cap situation in the NFL.

The Saints would be wise to save their money for Marques Colston and Jahri Evans, because Tom Benson is looking at about 100 million to lock those two players into long term deals.

I know you are thinking, “But Ralph you didn’t fix the Saints other holes at defensive tackle, corner and middle linebacker.”

True, but we still have the draft and from what I’ve read LSU’s Glenn Dorsey is falling like a stone in a swimming pool.

Add him and good young middle linebacker and then all of the sudden the Saints defense has some bite no?

(Of course if Glenn Dorsey came within reach of the Saints on draft day I might have a nervous breakdown. Not to mention Saints fan websites and blogs melting down and causing the Internet to cease to exist.)

Always remember kids: In NFL free agency you can do whatever you want but you can’t do everything you want.

If the Saints are indeed a mosquito in a nudist colony then they need to start by biting someone on the arm.

Got to start somewhere right?

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. He can be reached at

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Forecast: The Hornets week ahead

Ralph Malbrough from takes a look at the Hornets upcoming games, reviews the Bonzi Wells trade, the importance of Tyson Chandler, and reveals he hates the fucking Utah Jazz...

Last Week

Record: 1-2

The Hornets throttled the Mavericks and their new point guard Jason Kidd.

Chris Paul was spectacular and even Bobby Jackson had a nice farewell performance.

The Dallas game showed what’s been pretty obvious about the Hornets all year long: If you can’t stop Chris Paul from getting where he wants to go then you can’t beat the Hornets.

Jason Kidd is too old hence our favorite Bugs roll.

The Rockets and Spurs got much more physical with Paul and the Hornets struggled mightily.
If not for a spirited fourth quarter run against San Antonio the Hornets would have been blown out back-to-back nights.

Of course all the experts will say the past two games show the Hornets lack the toughness and experience to win the playoffs, which may be the case.

More concerning than just that the Hornets got pushed around by San Antonio was the way Tyson Chandler and David West seemed to come unhinged and complain about almost every call.

I had to watch the Spurs broadcast of the game and when the announcers for the whiniest team in the league say the Hornets whine to the officials too much that means the Hornets whine the officials too much.

Not really a good sign come playoff time.

The Trade

Some fans seem a little confused by the trade of Bobby Jackson to the Rocket for Bonzi Wells and Mike James.

Jackson was the very definition of inconsistent and while watching the Hornets play the Mavericks it dawned on me just how bad the Hornets bench was.

Byron Scott trotted out this lineup during multiple stretches of the game: Jannero Pargo, Bobby Jackson, Melvin Ely, Hilton Armstrong, and Ryan Bowen with an occasional appearance by Rasual Butler.

My friends that lineup during the playoffs will get annihilated.

The Hornets had to do something.

Enter Bonzi Wells.

Yes, he is a crazy person but two years ago he was electric in the playoffs for Sacramento against

the Spurs.

Wells is only signed through this year anyway so if he acts up the Hornets could kick him to the curb.

So at least Byron Scott has a guy that could potentially give the Hornets instant offense off the bench and he’s definitely better than Morris Peterson and will be stealing his minutes shortly.

(That was one awful signing and Peterson still has three more years at about 5 million per…oh boy)

Mike James is shoot first point guard and the long term affects of his bad contract for the Hornets aren’t a good thing but when it comes to the Hornets who cares about 2010? I don’t. The Hornets need to win now to even have a 2010 in New Orleans.

Good move.

Center of attention

Tyson Chandler got absolutely dominated by Yao Ming and Tim Duncan.

And remember in the Western Conference the Lakers have Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum, and the Suns have Shaq.

It means Chandler will need to stay out of foul trouble and man the boards if the Hornets want to keep a top four seed in the West.

Did you know when both Chandler and Chris Paul have a double-double the Hornets are 19-1?
Yeah…he’s that important. Who knew?

This week’s games

Monday: Hornets host the Washington Wizards, and then go to Washington on Sunday

This will be an interesting test to see how severe the city’s case of Hornets fever is.
How many fans will head to New Orleans Arena to watch a crappy Wizards team that doesn’t even have Gilbert Arenas? But remember to check out his blog because you never know what crazy thoughts lurk in the mind of Agent Zero.
If the Hornets hit the magic number of 14,700 consider it a very good crowd.

Wednesday: Hornets host the Phoenix Suns

The Diesel comes to town which of course probably means the season’s fourth sellout crowd.
If this game is half as good as the three overtime thriller these two teams played last week then the New Orleans Arena might have its best atmosphere of the year.

(By the way Cox Cable feel free to make a deal with Direct TV anytime so us Hornet fans around the country can stop being subjected to having to listen to the cheerleading announcers from the opposing team every game. We want our own excuse making, biased, cheerleading announcers. I want my Gill McGregor and I want him now!)

Friday: Hornets host the Utah Jazz

Is it just me or shouldn’t the Hornets have a running feud with the Jazz? Why can’t the Hornets have ‘Worst Team’ nickname night every time Utah comes to town? Or at least run a video of the worst ideas in history set to music on the Jumbotron. They could run video of new coke, Caddy Shack II the movie, the Saints drafting Alex Molden, and then end it with a Utah Jazz jersey.

Come on people nothing brings fans together like good pure hatred.

Ralph Malbrough is Saints and Hornets fan living in Houston. He can be reached at

Thursday, February 21, 2008

What Chris Paul wants, he TAKES!

Kudos to the Sports Lounge for speaking the truth: that Jason Kidd, at 34, is not fit to carry CP3's jock strap. (Hat tip to Deadspin).

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

"We are pilgrims in an unholy land"

The blog hasn't been updated in four days. ("Well, duh, dickhead," you're likely saying out loud.) That's fair. Here's the reason: I moved.

To St. Louis.

Land of "Hakim Drops the Ball!"

Land of Defensive Coordinator Jim Haslett. (I just felt a cold shudder run up my spine at the thought of 'The Haz Man' having another job in the coaching ranks.)

I moved downtown. Quite nice, actually. I'd describe it as such: it's like New Orleans, if New Orleans had it's shit together.

No internet in my apartment just yet, but the building DOES have a room where I can access the internet, hence this post. I'm in the process of getting adjusted to my new job, so I can't exactly post anything from there just yet either.

And if that's not good enough for you, consider this: my movers haven't arrived yet. I'm sleeping on a concrete floor with a few pieces of foam and folded moving mats to keep my back from revolting against the rest of my body.

'Betcha feel like a real asshole now, dontcha?

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Hornets attendance in the shitter, Mark Cuban knows why

Hey, I'm a big fan of Cubes. Can't say I'm a big fan of "Cuban" or else the State Department might start tracking this site. Then again, I could use the hits.


AOL Sports' Tom Ziller breaks down the team's attendance woes.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Baseball's other 'dark day'

Forget about Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee's game of 'Who's a Bigger Asshole?' in front of Congress on Tuesday, how easily people forget baseball's REAL dark day:

(Whitey Ford gets "whacked" by pretzels during a Springfield Isotopes game.)

Just as everyone is slowly about to munch in those delicious pretzels, the announcer reveals the winner's name of today's giveaway. The 1997 Pontiac Astrowagon goes to the fan in seat 0001 -- C. Montgomery Burns. No one's happy about this but Mr. Burns and Smithers, and Mr. Burns hops in his new car, which is pelted by the pretzels thrown by the angry, booing crowd.

Announcer #1: And here come the pretzels!

Marge: Oh, no! No, don't do that! You're suppose to be tasting them!

Announcer #2: Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for...for some kind of sanity.

Announcer #1: Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious.

Announcer #2: Wow. This is uh... This is a black day for baseball.

In the kitchen, Bart and Homer try to cheer up a much depressed Marge.

Bart: Cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford!

Homer: You could call them Whitey-Whackers.

(Just keeping things in perspective, folks.)

Scoop agrees with me? Suddenly, I need to change my opinion...

First of all, hat tip to The Big Lead for linking me to Fire Jay Mariotti's evisceration of Scoop Jackson for his column in SUPPORT of the Shaq trade.

It's not so much that they disagree with Scoop (which they do), but it's the fact that they rip through his 'anecdotal bullshit' within the column. Pretty nice read.

In other news, the Hornets jumped back atop the Western Conference with a 111-107 victory over the very game Milwaukee Bucks. Hey, their name doesn't mean "the good land" in Algonquin for nothing, people. (Note: Get to the 3:30 mark on the video)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Great break down of the Shaq trade

So after spending the first few days thinking "what the fuck are the Phoenix Suns doing trading for an aging Shaq?" I got to take a few deep breaths and clear my head. Thanks to this excellent piece on HoopsHype by Eddie Johnson, I'm definitely looking the other way.

Simmons had a piece in ESPN the Mag supporting the deal as well, but I found Johnson's column to be far more in-depth.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mickey Loomis, pay this man!

This fun loving cat to your left is Saints' wide receiver Marques Colston. He's set to make a 2008 base salary of $445,000. Since being drafted THIRD TO LAST in the 2006 NFL Draft, Colston has recorded 168 catches, the most by a player in the first two years of his career...EVER.

His numbers, year-by-year:

2006: 70 catches, 1038 yds, 8 TDs
2007: 98 catches, 1202 yds, 11 TDs

He becomes a free agent following the 2008 season. Note to Mickey...don't dilly-dally around (and yeah, I just wrote the words "dilly-dally") and sign this dude before training camp hits. Otherwise, you'll be hearing it from the fans on the drive-by-radio shows and such.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Bobby Knight: LSU Men's Basketball coach

I'm so happy to be the fucking coach of the God Dam LSU Tigers!

All you media assholes can kiss my ass.

You blood sucking media types probably wonder why Skip Bertman would hire me.

You know...since LSU fans hate me after the 1987 and 1981 loses I dealt that freak defense using retard Dale Brown.

Well I'll tell you how I became coach of LSU...I stuffed Bertman in the garbage just like a did that shithead Tiger fan in Philadelphia.

And made myself coach..

Knight points to aluminium can in the back of the room as Bertman struggles to get out.

If you thought John Brady was unlikable, surly, and played a boring brand of hoops..wait till you get a load of me!

The P-Mac will be so empty I'll be able to practice firing off my shotgun at halftime....the downside of that is I probably won't hit anyone...the only thing more fun then hunting is shooting actual people and calling it an accident...Bobby Knight doesn't have Fucking accidents!

With me as coach LSU Basketball will be the same fucking boring, mind numbing experience it is now and there isn't a God Dam thing you can do about it.

It's just like what I told Connie Chung about rape...if there isn't anything you can do about it you should just sit back and enjoy it.

Isn't that right, Dickie V and Digger?

Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps nod in agreement

The General is back baby...Robert Montgomery Knight!

Dick, shut the fuck up...I liked you better when you couldn't talk.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

"And that's why you turn your microphone off!!!"

Look, I'm WAAAY late to the party on this one, but I wanted to make sure I posted it to Hakim Drops the Ball anyway. The Big Lead, Deadspin, Sports by Brooks, etc., you name it...they've split the uprights on this one, folks.

Chris Berman demonstrates how professionals should NOT act. And he maybe has learned one important TV journalism lesson (which I learned in less than a week as a P.A.) ... you DON'T LEAVE YOUR MIC ON!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Your final Super Bowl round-up...

Okay, this is the last time we're mentioning the Super Bowl (suck it, Simmons!) least until we have that drunken argument with our friends at 1:15 in the morning over whether or not the slow, defensive-minded pace of the second and third quarters takes this game out of the Top 5 all-time Super Bowls. Any who....

Carl from 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' decided to shave his moustache in celebration of the Giants' triumph.

Meanwhile, the boys at HomeStarRunner have a hilarious send-up of half time entertain. ("We played soccer in high school...")

And while I'm at it...I wrote my last column for about the Super Bowl. I now get to ride off into the sunset...and move to St. Louis.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Forecast: Eli Manning a New York Legend

By Ralph Malbrough

I’ll be honest: I never thought the Giants even had a shot of winning the Super Bowl until David Tyree made the greatest catch ever. Argue that point if you want, but in 30 years people will still be talking about it. Go to YouTube and watch it again. How the hell did he do that?

Watching the game I had the sense of what an old English teacher of mine called ‘tragic inevitability’ when it came to the Giants and Eli Manning. It just seemed like the Patriots and Tom Brady would find a way to escape and attain perfection.

There was no way Eli Manning would win the Super Bowl, until he did. Manning became a New York legend and denied Tom Brady football immortality.

The interesting thing about the game was the simplicity of the Giants plan: grind Tom Brady into the dirt or become road kill. Five sacks and countless hits later, the Giants could say ‘mission accomplished.’

In a strange way I’m even more impressed with Tom Brady. He got the snot beat out of him and yet never made any bad decisions.

Any other quarterback would have turned in an all time bad performance under such constant pressure, but Brady was just slightly less than average.

Perhaps the most interesting thing was the absolute glee everyone outside of New England felt when the Patriots failed to reach 19-0.

On our internet radio show, Kevin Held and I set a record for people in our chat room. Maybe it was a combination of Spygate, Bill Belichick’s generally being a jerk, and New England’s fans combined with ESPN’s Bill Simmons being unbearable that caused the nation to turn against the Patriots?

I’m not sure, all I know is that America is happy we get to listen to the unbearable 1972 Miami Dolphins run their mouths about being the only undefeated team. That in itself is unbelievable, if you’ve ever listened to Mercury Morris for five minutes.

Eli Manning is now a legend in New York. The Big Apple might put their sports stars through the meat grinder, but all you need to do is deliver one time on the big stage and you get a lifetime of worship. Ask Joe Namath.

Is it the biggest upset in Super Bowl history? Probably, but everyone said that some unknown QB named Tom Brady beating the Mighty St. Louis Rams in 2002 was the biggest underdog victory in Super Sunday lore, until Brady won two more Lombardi trophies after that magical night in New Orleans.

Time has a way of deciding what is and what isn’t an historic sports upset. I know a couple of things right now, though:

--We may never see another team come as close to perfection and have most fans rooting against such a magical accomplishment.

--And former Giants general manager Ernie Acorsi was right to trade the San Diego Chargers a king’s ransom for Eli.

It was always easy to predict Eli Manning would be great just like it was easy to see the Giants would shut down the greatest offense in the history of football and use a circus catch to win the Super Bowl.

Yeah, like it’s easy to climb Mount Everest or watch any Lindsey Lohan movie all the way through.

Last night is why America stops to watch the Super Bowl, because we hope we might see something incredible and unexpected.

And we all wanted New England to lose.

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston Texas. He co-hosts an Internet Radio show every week with's Kevin Held. You can listen to their Super Bowl post game show or download archived versions of the show at

Or if you want it on your iPod search Forecast Radio on Itunes.

Ralph Malbrough can be emailed at

(And one final note: that picture up top was too fucking funny to pass up!!)

Sunday, February 3, 2008

F*ck Bill Simmons!!!!

Hey, Billy Baroo!!! "ELI'S COMING!!!!!!!!"

In the words of Sean Connery, "Suck it, Trebek!"

Seriously, folks, who do you think feels like the bigger asshole right now: Tiki Barber or Bill Simmons? How fast did Tiki call in sick to work for Monday? Ten seconds after the game ended?

Is Simmons on suicide watch right now? Were his buddies banging on the front door looking for to make sure he didn't hang himself in the closet? I betcha Billy's wife answered the door and told everybody, "Guys, I don't know where Bill went." Meanwhile, Billy "Baroo" is locked in the garage, sitting inside his Dodge Stratus with the motor running.

Do you think Bill will pull the same shit he did last year, when he "took some time off" and came back with a lame mailbag and gave a half-assed acknowledgement of the Colts' Super Bowl win?

Wow, Billy boy, FIRST Peyton Manning comes back and beats your Pats when you guys had the game in hand...and brother Eli Manning comes along and beats you guys ON THE BIGGEST STAGE in front of millions!!!

How do you like DEM APPLES, ASSHOLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Fuck you.

There, I'm done.

For now.

MORE: Charles Grant stabbed...

Good post on Fan Nation about the Charles Grant incident. Biggest new item? The nightclub was NOT in Atlanta. Read more.

Tip of the hat to a commenter who pointed this one out.

BREAKING: Charles Grant stabbed in nightclub

The Saints' defensive end was stabbed in the neck and a pregnant woman shot to death at an Atlanta nightclub Saturday evening. Holy shit. Grant was not seriously injured, though, but the immediate reaction is: WTF?!?!?

It would irresponsible to jump out with the whole "athletes getting into trouble" again storyline....but here are my questions, in no particular order:

--Why was Charles Grant there?
--Who was the woman who was shot and killed? Was she connected to Grant? Why was she there if she was pregnant?
--Who did the stabbing and the shooting? Have they been arrested?
--Where is the nightclub located?
--What lead to the incident?

--Is there anything I'm missing here???

NFL Network's Adam Schefter gets the jump on the story. The Saints said they know about the incident.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Pundits, analysts take Patriots in big numbers

Here's the breakdown of Super Bowl picks by organization. You'll get the idea as you read along: Patriots 10, Giants 4 Patriots 10, Giants 1 Not counted because these pussies went with point spreads instead of picking a winner straight up. Douchebags. Patriots 9, Giants 2

Scouts Inc.: Patriots 7, Giants 0

USA Today: Patriots 7, Giants 1