Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hollis Thomas loves him some Sponge Bob?

Really, Hollis Thomas is obsessed with Sponge Bob...he even watches it during sex...(hat tip to deadspin)

When he resigns with the Saints the Superdome scoreboard guy needs a Sponge Bob montage..to get big Hollis Fired the fuck up

Your REAL NFL Rankings.

Okay, I just read the NFL rankings from both Deadspin and The Big Lead. Shameful. So I thought I'd come in with my own that seem to be more based in reality.

I'm not boring you with my own analysis and lame jokes. If you're coming here already, chances are you're going to read this whole thing. No need to do the whole 'self-deprecation' thing.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-4)
31. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
30. Detroit Lions (0-3)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
28. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
27. Houston Texans (0-3)
26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3)
25. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)
24. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
23. Miami Dolphins (1-2)
22. San Francisco 49ers (2-2)
21. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
20. Atlanta Falcons (2-2)
19. New York Jets (2-2)
18. Chicago Bears (2-2)
17. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
16. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
15. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
14. New England Patriots (2-1)
13. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
12. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
11. New Orleans Saints (2-2)
10. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)
8. Denver Broncos (3-1)
7. Carolina Panthers (3-1)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
5. Washington Redskins (3-1)
4. Buffalo Bills (4-0)
3. Dallas Cowboys (3-1)
2. Tennesse Titans (4-0)
1. New York Giants (3-0)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday Roundup: Drop the Deuce, better defense, and buy gold?

Malbrough over at WWL wants more consistency and Grandmaster Wang still wants the bobblehead to eat shit and die. But they are both pumped about the 2-2 Saints.

Today's financial advice: Buy gold and bury that shit in your backyard....

The Haz-Man Returns...ASSHOLES

Well hello, fucktards!

The HAZ Man is BAAACK!. In my rightful place running an NFL Team.

NFL Cheerleaders and St. Louis Rams fans sanity need to get ready. Cause I'm gonna fuck up the both of you!

Some people think the HAZ man is just some ranting crazy person whose team's go up and down like the stock market, commit a shitload of penalties, and generally make the team's fans wish they were the same temperature as Paul Newman.

It's all BULLSHIT.

I have a plan, motherfuckers.

I already brought in Jason Craft and that means the secondary will be air tight in no time.

As for the offense....Concussion Boy Green is out but Marc Bulgar ain't going back in...we are going to plan B...

As in Brooks Baby!

(Aaron Brooks strides in, bumping into the door frame along the way.)

People, this guy here is ready. He's rested from not playing last year, and the reports of him being retarded are a complete lie...

(Brooks begins eating glue and using pages in the Rams playbook to make paper airplanes...)

You see people the HAZ man has a fucking plan...not just for the Rams but for America...

(In walks Johnathan Sullivan, munching on a taco from Taco Town.)

My plan to save the Economy....

Sulli is going to eat all these bad mortgage securities and then start shitting gold nuggets...problem solved...

The HAZ-Man has spoken and I AM OUT....

"Jane, Can't You See I'm Reveling?"

Yep, I just quoted Mighty Ducks, get over it.


Apparently, the crowd really loves DEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE. Yeah, he's a special cat. That big run he had early where he pushed the pile certainly had to bring joy to the fans.


And I'm willing to bet a certain contingent of lady fans will continue to be smitten by the rock-hard hobbit with soft hands, Lance Moore.

Your "We won yesterday! All is well, remain calm!" Post

A little Jane's Addiction for us on this fine Monday morning.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Tale of the Tape: Saints versus 49ers

The suddenly short-handed Saints...

...take on the now rambunctious 49ers...

...Sunday afternoon. Here's your tale of the tape:

Off. Rank: Saints 396.7 ypg (4th); 49ers 342 ypg (11th)
Pass Rank: Saints 315.3 ypg (1st); 214.3 ypg (12th)
Run Rank: Saints 81.3 ypg (28th); 49ers 127.7 ypg (11th)
Points per game: Saints 26.7 ppg; 49ers 25.7 ppg

Def. Rank: Saints 392 ypg (28th); 49ers 292 ypg (9th)
Vs. Pass: Saints 258.7 (29th); 49ers 160.7 ypg (7th)
Vs. Run: Saints 133.3 (22nd); 49ers 131.1 (21st)

3rd Down percentage: Saints 43%; 49ers 37%
TO ratio: Saints -1; 49ers -1

(handed a sheet of paper...)

Aw shit. Paul Newman died. Breaking out the 'Cool Hand Luke' video, boss!

Say, what we need is a tribute song or something for Mr. Newman. Hey Joey Sunshine, play us some music on that there piano of yours!

Saints v. 49ers prediction: I say Reggie Bush keeps 'a cool hand' and scores two touchdowns, Drew Brees manages to 'sting' the 49ers defense despite missing his top two targets, and Will Smith and Charles Grant remember the 'Color of Money' and earn their paychecks by getting all 'Butch and Sundance' on JT O'Sullivan. And Martin Gramatica kicks the game-winning field goal to escape the 'Towering Inferno' that is sports talk radio callers.

And playing the role of Doyle Lonnigan will be Mike Martz.

FINAL SCORE: Saints 20, 49ers 18

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Reason for the Saints injuries is revealed

Ok, so now Jonathan Goodwin might miss Sunday's game after tweaking a hamstring yesterday.

Will the Saints even have 45 guys to suit up?

Who is to blame for this spat of injuries?

George Bush, God, Mike Hoss?

Did Buddy D piss off God in heaven by demanding a pick'em show every Friday?

Or Maybe Jesus got tired of the whole," BAY DAhminahs pooza aftha avery Soints Toochdawn and get 3 dahlahs aff!."

Come on, Buddy, get you shit together and stop pissing off God.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Another one bites the dust

It's Tuesday and that means another Saint player is out for at least a month...Jamar Nesbit is a roider...that means the Saints starters out this week is up to 7!

Of course Nesbit says it was an over the counter product and blah blah blah....whatever. All I know is If David Patten and Jamaal Brown don't go this Sunday the Saints will be down 9 starters...Fuck.

Monday, September 22, 2008

What the fuck is next? The plague?

Now Shockey is out 3-6 weeks with a sports hernia which brings the Saints injured starters up to 6 if you count Hollis Thomas. And that doesn't include Jamaal Brown and David Patten's status...
Oh but Malbrough over at WWLTV.com has reasons to stay positive...WTF? If Malbrough can't get angry and bitter over a knife to the belly loss like yesterday he must not be drinking enough...
Sometimes I hate fucking football season..

Dan Patrick is a giant bag of douche.

Seriously, Danny? You're making the case that because Steve Weatherford wore his wedding ring and a wrist watch...THAT's why Martin Gramatica missed the would-be game leading field goal in the fourth quarter against Denver?

Now, does Weatherford look like an incredible dope for wearing his watch on the field? Sure. No argument from me. But to insinuate that it lead to the missed field goal? Irresponsible, Dan. Trust me, Joe Buck was calling that game, and BELIEVE ME, he'd have pointed it out as an egregious offense against the football gods if it really did cause the miss.

Your "Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays!" Post.

First things first. Here's your depressing music to go over the game stats, courtesy of Mazzy Star.

Time of Possession: Saints - 32:48, Broncos - 27:12
Total Off. Yards: Saints - 502, Broncos - 369
Passing Yards: Saints - 414, Broncos - 264
Rushing Yards: Saints - 88, Broncos - 105
Turnovers: Saints - 1, Broncos - 2
Third Downs: Saints - 8 of 14, Broncos - 6 of 10
Penalties: Saints - 4-51 yards, Broncos - 3-20 yards

So, the Saints win time of possession, win the air game, total yardage game, and the turnover game, and still somehow lose.

Here's another stat to depress you Saints fans out there: after trailing 21-3, the Saints held the Broncos' prolific offense to just 13 points in the final 44:11 of the game, and managed to put up 29 points in that same span of time.

I don't think I have the proper words to describe what I'm feeling...because I don't exactly know what it is I'm feeling. I mean, I thought the Saints were going to lose the game anyway, so why do I feel this way? I guess because after feeling like we were going to be given a full autopsy on national television at 21-3, the Saints somehow found a way to come back and make things not only interesting, but to rally and redeem themselves in most respects.

Reggie made up for his fumble with 148 total yards and two touchdowns, Jeremy Shockey had his usual solid game, Lance Moore proved he's the anti-Michael Lewis (a special teamer who CAN catch a pass), and Robert Meachem continues to make Saints fans believe he won't be a total waste of time. I would mention Drew Brees' spectacular performance, but does it even need to be mentioned? He's the straw that stirs the drink. And yet, somehow, we lost the game.

Where do you put the blame? Payton's play calling? Gramatica? Pierre Thomas? The run defense? The pass defense? I mean, who's to blame?

Not sure who I blame. I just know that the Saints in one of the best games of the season thus far, second maybe to the Cowboys-Eagles game on MNF last week. What, you thought I'd say Broncos-Chargers? Sorry, but any game decided by poor officiating does NOT warrant my attention.

Here's hoping the Saints come out with authority on Sunday and plant J.T. O'Sullivan on his Irish ass in the first quarter and set the tempo for the rest of the 60 minutes. We can't just win 44 minutes of a game. We gotta win ALL 60 minutes.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

What Does Joey Harrington Bring to the Team...?

Since the boys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have their hands full talking about Hines Wald, the Double J, Philip Rivers and Tawmmy the Pats Fan, I thought I'd step in take a stab at the news that Joey Harrington has joined the Saints.

(Coach Payton walking through the halls of Saints HQ toward the indoor practice field on a Friday morning.)

Payton: Man, we have got to get our stuff together if we're to beat the Broncos this weekend. Gotta get one more practice in before hopping on the team plane...

(Coach Payton opens the door to the indoor facility, only to find no one there.)

Payton: Shit, where is everybody?

(Elsewhere in the Saints' facility...)

Joey Sunshine (playing piano in the players' lounge): "Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man! Sing us a song tonight! Well, we're all in the mood for a melody! And (I've) got you feelin' alright!"

Mark Brunell: This guy's pretty decent, right Jeremy...?

Jeremy: Um...(sounds of split being swapped)

Mark Brunell: Okay, then...(goes back to snapping fingers in rhythm.) Isn't this fun, Drew?

Drew: Mark, Coach will NOT be happy about this. We're supposed to be gearing up for the Broncos right now. It's likely going to be a high scoring shoot out and we need to be ready.

Jeremy (takes one chick away from the three-way make out so he can speak clearly): No, dude, the DEFENSE needs to get its shit together, bra! The Shock-meister here is prepping the only way he knows how! (Pulls second chick back, continues three-way make out.)

(Coach Payton bursts through the door of the players' lounge.)

Payton: What the hell is going on here?! Drew, we got a game in two days and you're playing grab ass with the offense here!

Drew: I know, Coach, I've been going over game film at home and here. The wife wishes I'd pay a little more attention to her...

Payton: We don't have time for any fancy-schmancy "my wife this" or "my wife that" ... this is the NFL, Drew, quarterbacks HAVE to be leaders! You saw what happened to Tom Brady when he started banging that model?!?

Drew: Yes, sir. But what about Shockey?

(Payton looks over at Jeremy Shockey in the corner.)

Jeremy: Um, that's the stuff right there...

Payton: Looks normal to me.

Drew: What?! He's making out with two chicks at the same time.

Payton: What? Jealous?

Drew: No! Didn't you just tell me to put the wife on the backburner for the good of the team?

Payton: Yeah, you're the quarterback. The field general. The anti-Vince Young. A leader of men. A Captain of Industry. Jeremy's the tight end.

Drew: What about Reggie over there?

Payton: He's the running back with the crazy girlfriend who's supposed to get it together in the end. You haven't seen the script? It's been done in EVERY football movie ever, Drew. You've gotta be the one guy who wants to hold this thing together, almost at the expense of your personal relationships. Hey Reggie, where are you going?

Reggie: I'm flying out right now. Kim's taking me to Denver on her private family jet. We gonna do the freak-nasty the whole way there!!

Drew: Reg, are you sure that's a good idea?

Reggie: Haven't you read the script?

Drew: What script?

Reggie: That book by the Dallas Cowboy guy. He said players were fucking on planes and shit. And they won three Super Bowls. Geez, Drew, and I thought you wanted to win a ring...

Drew: I do! But, do you REALLY have to bang Kim Kardashian on a private jet?

Reggie: Damn right I do! Can't have anybody snapping pics of us and putting that shit up on the internet!

Jeremy: What a second? What's this "having sex on a plane" thing?

Reggie: The Cowboys did it in the 90s and they won three Super Bowls.

Jeremy (scratches beard while making out): I'm intrigued by your proposal, sir, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter. Come on babes. (Jeremy joins Reggie on the private plane.) We gonna have us a five way, fo show!

Drew: Aw, fiddlesticks!

Payton: Would you look at these two?

(Drew turns around and sees Mark Brunell laying across the piano while Joey Sunshine keeps playing.)

Brunell: "Bring back that lovin' feelin'! Bring back that lovin' feelin'!"

(Drew shakes head.)

Drew: God damn...

(Deuce McAllister sticks his head in the door.)

Deuce: Hey, Coach, I just saw Reggie take off early. Can I practice with the first team today? Pretty please?

Payton: Not now, Deuce, I'm trying to work out a scheme here!

(Deuce slinks away.)

Drew: Christ...I need to go flying fishing.

Brunell: Hey, Joey! Do you know any Third Eye Blind?

Joey: Do I?!?

Joey & Brunell: "How's it gonna be? When you don't know me anymore?!?"

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Greatest Paragraph He Ever Wrote...

I know it sounds like a eulogy, but I'm paying a BIG compliment to my good buddy, the Ralpha Dog.

Right now the Saints are ranked 29th in total defense including 26th against the run. Pick your favorite adjective and use it as a description, mine is portentous. Portentous means ominously significant or indicative: a portentous defeat. The word almost sounds like a fatal disease. The Saints defense caught the portentous and they only have four weeks to live.

Brilliant yet understated. Now THAT's quality writing.

On the whole 'black QB thing' ...

I'm not saying Simmons pilfered or anything...I'm just saying...

TITANS (-5) over Texans
Vince Young goes AWOL, Daunte Culpepper retires, Tarvaris Jackson gets benched, David Garrard falls back to earth, Michael Vick remains in jail, JaMarcus Russell looks like a J.V. quarterback … you know who feels totally vindicated right now? The racist assistant from "Friday Night Lights" who didn't think Smash Williams could be a QB. Thank goodness for Donovan McNabb, but we still need to turn this thing around.
-- Simmons, 9-19-08

Death of the Black Quarterback -- Big Daddy Drew, Deadspin, 9-16-08

I mean...there's no fucking way those two could POSSIBLY ever write about the same material, right? Even though they're both sports writers on the web with an obvious slant toward the comical and pop cultural? Yeah, couldn't happen in a million years. MUST BE PLAGIARISM.

Hello New Orleans!

I'm Joey Harrington, the shittiest of shitty quarterbacks. If I take a meaningful snap in 2008 you will want to drink bleach from a martini glass....

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Sean Payton WTF? It's true the Saints signed Joey!

If this doesn't put hair on your nuts...


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Are you ready for a shootout?

And I fear that Jay Cutler will be playing the role of Wyatt Earp, with Brendan Marshall as Virgil Earp, Eddie Royal as Morgan Earp, and Tony Scheffler as Doc Holliday. Featuring the New Orleans Saints as the bullet-riddled cowboys.

Yeah, it looks like it could be that bad.

The Denver Broncos have the best offense in the NFL (463.5 ypg), with the second best passing attack and the tenth best ground game. Conversely, the Saints have the 25th best rushing offense, the seventh ranked pass game, and an overall offense ranked 10th in the league.

Now here's some numbers that give me some hope about a possible upset:

Broncos D: 27th overall (381.5 ypg), 29th passing (266.5 ypg), 21st rushing (115 ypg)
Saints D: 29th overall (403.5 ypg), 28th passing (256 ypg), 26th rushing (147.5 ypg)

So in conclusion, BOTH defenses are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Which takes us full circle back to those offensive numbers.

The Saints beat the Bucs and should have beaten the Redskins...the Broncos pistol-whipped the Raiders as expected and should have lost against the Chargers. You can make the argument that the Saints would've performed just as well against the Raiders as the Broncos did, and I sure hope so, considering that we have to play that hapless group of fucks in a couple weeks. But Jay Cutler put on an offensive passing clinic against the Chargers. The Chargers, people! Weren't the Chargers supposed to be really good this year?

So the Broncos seem to have everything going for them on offense, while the Saints...uh, I'm trying not to think of all the possible things that could go wrong. I believe the Saints could easily put up 24 points without breaking too much of a sweat. The problem is, I think their defense could surrender many more points with the same effort.

PREDICTION: I think Drew Brees throws for close to 350 yards and three touchdowns, Reggie gets two TDs (rushing and receiving), Shockey doesn't fumble the ball, and Meachem actually makes more than one grab. Unfortunately, I think Jay Cutler goes off for nearly 400 yards and four touchdowns, and the Broncos defense intercepts Drew Brees late in the game to ice things for the Mile High Crew.

Final Score: Broncos 44, Saints 29 (Note: Black and Gold boys go for two in the fourth quarter to make things 34-29. The Broncos respond with a field goal, and then intercept Drew near the end for the TD.)

(Added note: Grandmaster Wang of MooseDenied.com pointed out how retarded it would be for any coach to go for two points if the score was 34-27 instead of kicking the extra point. Point taken. And I've just set a record for using the word "point" in a short paragraph...Anyway, I'm changing my final score to 47-29. Saints would go for two and GET IT to make it 37-29. Then the field goal happens for Denver, followed by the INT for a touchdown.)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Radio Show tonight!

Sure hurricane Ike caused us to postpone the Forecast Radio twice but tonight at 7pm we recap the Saints craptastic 4th quarter in Washington and preview the Broncos game. Listen or download us at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/forecastradio and call in at (347) 215-8037

Ralph and Kevin will vent, cuss and bitch about all things Saints

Monday, September 15, 2008

A Zorn in My Side...

I got called in to work on Sunday afternoon to cover Ike-related flooding in the St. Louis area. Fuck.

Which prevented me from drinking any alcohol during the Saints game. Fuckity fuck.

And I had to report to work at 3:30 p.m.; so I went in to the office in a foul mood because the Saints apparently failed to learn basic tackling principles during the week. God damn fuckity fuck!

And I wasn't playing Santana Moss in my fantasy league. Son of a fucking bitch!!

And LaDainian Tomlinson, whom I drafted with the number one pick in my draft, earned a grand total of three fantasy points for me this weekend. MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!

Seems fair to say that Fortuna's wheel definitely was not spinning in my favor on this fine football Sunday. Fuckin' bitch.

Oh, and news flash to Reggie Bush: Quit. Pointing. Your. Goddamned. Finger. At. People. When. You're. Going. To. Score. That. Pisses. Them. Off. Something. Fierce.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Forecast: Can the beat up Saints get a win in Washington?

Since hurricane Ike is bearing down on Houston this week’s Friday column is quick and dirty. For the record, Houston media’s hurricane coverage compared to New Orleans is lame. Maybe we have more practice or maybe our media is just better?

Anyway, let get to the games. The only person who had a better last week than the Saints was me!

5-0… thanks Atlanta! You’ll never see me utter those words again.

New Orleans (Pick) at Washington: If the Saints were at full strength I’d be thinking blowout. But they won’t have Marques Colston and might not have Scott Fujita, Randall Gay, Roman Harper, and Atwan Lake. That’s a lot of missing pieces and the tackling got sloppy against the Bucs when Harper went out and Josh Bullocks went in.

If Jim Zorn is smart, which no one is sure of yet, he’ll run Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts at the Saints and test their run defense.
The Skins got run over by New York so look for Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush to have a solid game.
If Robert Meachem can’t see the field then it’s official: Biggest bust in Saints history and that’s saying something.
I’m just hoping on Sunday to have power and be able to watch this game. The Saints will gut one out but it probably won’t be pretty.
Saints 23-21

Tennessee (+1) at Cincinnati: Two questions. First, what the hell has happened to Carson Palmer? I know he’s getting his head beat in but less than 100 yards passing? He hasn’t been the same since he blew out his knee and that’s not good news for Tom Brady.
Second: Maybe the media need to stop asking the question, “Is Reggie Bush a bust?” and start asking, “Is Vince Young going to be a bust?” It’s year three and he still can’t complete a pass, is getting beat up, booed, and the Nashville police went looking for him because the Titans were concerned about his ‘mental state’. It’s never a good sign for your team’s leader when his mom is commenting on his mental state. Still the Titans defense may well break Palmer in half.
Titans 17-6

Miami (+6.5) at Arizona: Things look so good for the Cardinals. Easy home game against the crappy fish and Seattle looks awful so the NFC West is there for the taking. Just remember these are still the Arizona Cardinals.
Dolphins 17-14

Tampa Bay (-7) vs. Atlanta: The Bucs look old and if not for a long run by Earnest Graham their offense looks fairly punchless. I want so badly to take Matt Ryan instead of Brian Griese. No way Tampa loses to a rookie QB right?
Bucs 28-17

New York Jets (-1.5) vs. New England: After listening to all the experts say how the Patriots are still going to win 10 games with Matt Cassel I was starting to believe it.
Almost. Tom Brady was everything to New England just like all great QB’s are to their teams. When it’s the third quarter and Cassel is 7-23, been sacked 5 times, and the Patriots have 7 points everyone will realize Bill Belichick ain’t no genius without Tom Terrific.
Jets 26-13

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. He can be reached at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com. He also hosts an internet radio show every week Sunday at 5pm at http://www.blogtalkradio/forecastradio provided he survives hurricane Ike. You can listen live or download it at itunes.

Hey, a Saints Blogger Can Cook! Sweet!

NolaChick, blogger at Chicks in the Huddle, posted a recipe for 'Cajun Broiled Redskin Potatoes' so you can get properly fed before, during, and after this Sunday's Saints-Redskins pigskin contest. And of course, she's going to add a mixed drink to things. Man, that's SO girly! Actually, she's putting in enough different alcohols to kill a small horse, and topping it off with a splash of cola -- can't be all that bad.

As for me, I'll be watching the game at my neighborhood bar, which has NFL Sunday Ticket, and snacking on a bleu cheese burger with bacon. Oh yeah, something I've learned in St. Louis that I'll pass on to you (at no extra charge): St. Louisans toast their hamburger buns and then rub some butter on them before serving. Now THAT's flavor, people!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Bad Fucking Wednesday in Saintsville!

The Saints put Hollis Thomas on IR, and oh linebacker Scott Fujita (knee), safety Roman Harper (hamstring), cornerback Randall Gay (illness) and defensive tackle Antwan Lake (groin) all missed practice.

That plus Colston's out for a month...at least Ike isn't going to destroy the city.

Perhaps we all better rethink the ass kicking we thought the Saints would lay on the Skins...

Colston out 4 to 6 weeks with bad thumb...

My 'Guy Who Knows a Guy' just texted me to let me know that wideout Marques Colston will miss the next four to six weeks to have surgery on a bad thumb. I saw him grabbing at his hand Sunday against the Bucs, this must be the result of that. Guess that means Devery Henderson needs to step up and catch some more balls.

We might not miss Colston against the Redskins, but if he's gone the full six weeks, those games at Denver, against Minnesota, and at Carolina will be even harder than previously expected.

For those of you scoring at home:

1. Brady
2. Nate Burleson
3. Marques Colston
4. Steve Smith
5. Dallas Clark
6. Merriman (Chargers D)
7. Osi (Giants D)

Fantasy leagues continue to adapt to this brave...forget that, TERRIFYING new world.

The Saints should not have to rely on David Patten being their number one option, with Reggie, Devery and Jeremy Shockey as other targets. They need more help. Hmm, if only they had drafted a wide receiver in the last couple years, he could get out on the field and make some plays for this club. Where the F*CK IS ROBERT MEACHEM?!?!

UPDATE (9:43 a.m.) - Jay Glazer is also reporting this. Yep, it's true. And now I'm waiting to hear from ESPN.com that "they've confirmed it" as well.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So Just How Did the Saints Win?

Turns out, it was all God's doing.

From Kissing Suzy Kolber:

I allowed the Saints of New Orleans to get by the Buccaneers of Tampa Bay because it felt right the right thing to do. I also made Reggie Bush score a TD, because I knew if he had a good game, his girlfriend Kim would do her Godly, girlfriendly duties and ride him like a chariot. That’s the one advantage of being all-seeing and all-knowing: You can watch people fuck ALL THE TIME.

Good to know, Big Guy. You keep at it, then.

Bite marks.

Let's see: Brady done for the year. I would have done my 'Suck it, Simmons!' post a lot sooner, but the crazy thing is I really didn't care enough about poor Billy's team to put in the effort to email him or rub it in on Sunday.

So after week one, who looks better than I thought?

1. Pittsburgh Steelers - Yeah, it was the Texans, but they still THUMPED the Texans with ruthless efficiency.
2. Philadelphia Eagles - I didn't know Donovan McNabb could play with receivers who were selling concessions last season. And Deshawn Jackson.
3. Buffalo Bills - Special teams, baby. I'm a sucker for a good fake field goal attempt.
4. Atlanta Falcons - A friend said the Falcons "upset the Lions." I told him, "when it's the Lions, it's never an upset." Wow, that Meg Ryan sure has pocket presence. You could see it in "Sleepless in Seattle."

Teams who looked worse than I thought:

1. Washington Redskins - So, about that two-minute offense, Mr. Zorn...where is it?
2. Jacksonville Jaguars - So you can't beat the Titans. Their defense obviously held you in check, because we all know Vince "Uncle Rico" Young isn't lighting things up in the air. MJD needs to get his mojo going next week; I've got him on my fantasy team.

Teams who are what I thought they were:

1. Houston Texans - Well on their way to a 5-11 season.
2. Carolina Panthers - Big win against Chargers from Jake 'It should have been you' Delhomme.
3. St. Louis Rams - Gonna be a long year in The Gateway City. The Edward Jones Dome will not have a sell out all year.
4. Oakland Raiders - I didn't even watch this game, but the highlights suggest things weren't even THAT close.

Friday, September 5, 2008

NFL Predictions, Vol. 4!

AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars, 12-4 (*)
Indianapolis Colts, 11-5 (*)
Houston Texas, 5-11
Tennessee Titans, 5-11

NFC South
New Orleans Saints, 11-5 (*)
Carolina Panthers, 10-6 (*)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 9-7
Atlanta Falcons, 4-12

Oh, and for the record, I think the Saints will win the following games:
vs. Tampa Bay, at Washington, vs. San Francisco, vs. Minnesota, vs. Oakland, at Atlanta, at Kansas City, vs. Green Bay, vs. Atlanta, at Detroit, vs. Carolina.

And by my logic, the NFC South will be decided with the final game of the year for the Saints, against the Panthers in the Superdome.

Now for my fake playoff results sure to blow up in my face from day one:

Saints and Cowboys get byes
Vikings over Redskins, Panthers over Seahawks

Patriots and Jaguars get byes
Broncos over Colts, Chargers over Browns

NFC 2nd Round
Saints over Vikings, Cowboys over Panthers

AFC 2nd Round
Patriots over Broncos, Jaguars over Chargers

NFC Championship
Saints over Cowboys

AFC Championship
Jaguars over Patriots

Super Bowl XLIII
Saints over Jaguars

Yes, it's a relentlessly homer pick. I'm comfortable with that. I'm letting you know now. Then again, this IS a Saints-based blog, so if you were looking for something where I go in a different direction...sorry to disappoint. Hey, at least I didn't write the God awful Saints preview for Deadspin.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Two Saints Previews...and one of them sucks

We love the Deadspin usually but holy fucking shit is this Saints season preview a pile of shit. Yeah I love New Orleans too but what does that have to do with the fucking Saints upcoming season? This guys preview doesn't even mention a current Saints players by name. Oh and Alejandro, New Orleans does need the Saints, badly. New Orleans without the Saints would affect our great city in ways you can't even imagine. Now Malbrough over at WWLTV.com he made us laugh at least and did actually sort of preview the season..sort of. Thank God football is here..

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

NFL Predictions, Vol. 3!

Predictions...Bite me in the ass later in the year...I must be crazy for thinking two AFC West teams are going 3-13...Yada, yada, yada...

AFC West
San Diego Chargers, 11-5 (*)
Denver Broncos, 10-6 (*)
Oakland Raiders, 3-13
Kansas City Chiefs, 3-13

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks, 9-7 (*)
Arizona Cardinals, 7-9
San Francisco 49ers, 6-10
St. Louis Rams, 4-12

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

"Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin..."

That's right, I quoted a Blood, Sweat and Tears lyric. Get over it. (Side note: Interestingly enough, I only found out a year ago that one of the lead singers of the group, David Clayton-Thomas, was not only white, but Canadian. See for yourself.)

The lads at Kissing Suzy Kolber have outdone themselves with this hilarious post about the Saints reacting to Hurricane Gustav. And of course, Shockey's only interested in the rape.

Yeah, Bastard Son of Fourcade and I probably could have come up with something like this since we're from the Crescent City, but it's sort of old hat for us and, well, the KSK guys pretty much nailed it with this one.

NFL Predictions, Part 2

More predictions sure to bite me in the ass midway through the season...

NFC East
Dallas Cowboys, 12-4 (*)
Washington Redskins, 9-7 (*)
New York Giants, 7-9
Philadelphia Eagles, 6-10

AFC East
New England Patriots, 12-4 (*)
New York Jets, 9-7 (*)
Buffalo Bills, 6-10
Miami Dolphins, 5-11

Monday, September 1, 2008

NFL Predictions, Part 1!

Shit, if everybody this side of SI's Don Banks can make predictions on the NFL, why should I be any different? Actually, I was supposed to call into Ralph's Forecast Radio program on Thursday to make my AFC predictions, but a busy night at work (DNC news) kept me from picking up my cell phone and ducking out of the office for my "15 minute break" that inevitably turns into a "30 minute break."

With four days left until the 2008-2009 season gets under way, I thought I'd go over my half-assed guesswork for the upcoming year. I'll tackle two division per day. And since I've got no scientific data with me, and because I'm not clever enough to create fake items of interest for each team like the guys at KSK, I'll keep things short and to the point.

I'm going to encourage the Bastard Son of Fourcade to post his predictions as well...whenever he finds time to put the needle down. (* = playoffs)

AFC North
Cleveland Browns, 9-7 (*)
Pittsburgh Steelers, 8-8
Baltimore Ravens, 7-9
Cincinnati Bengals, 6-10

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings, 11-5 (*)
Green Bay Packers, 8-8
Chicago Bears, 6-10
Detroit Lions, 4-12