Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Your SNL Post...Part 1

The main cat at The Big Lead posited the theory that Adam Sandler has had the worst post-SNL film career of any SNL alum.

I read the comments on that story, and others were making good points: what about Mike Myers? What about Chris Kattan? What about Eddie Murphy (now)? What about Dana Carvey? Hell, somebody even brought up Will Ferrell.

So, I decided to check IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes, go through the filmographies of a number of these "actors" and list their best work and worst work, combined with movies I have no desire to watch. So here we go:

Good Stuff:
Happy Gilmore
Billy Madison
Wedding Singer
Punch Drunk Love

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (not as bad as people know)
Mr. Deeds

50 First Dates
Longest Yard
Big Daddy

Will Not Watch:
Little Nicky
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Good Stuff:
Wedding Crashers
Blades of Glory
Stranger Than Fiction
Kicking and Screaming
Austin Powers

Talladega Nights
Austin Powers 2
Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back

Starsky & Hutch
Ladies Man

Will Not Watch:
Step Brothers
Night at the Roxbury

Forecast Radio Tonight!

Tonight's show is an early one (7 p.m.), so tell the wife or girlfriend you're getting online earlier than you had thought. Actually, the gals might want to partake in this show, too, because our guest is blogger NOLA Chick from the site They're at training camp and manage to get interviews with the players. Oh my God, a blogger with access to player interviews? The world must be spinning off its axis...

Check out the show at Forecast Radio Podcast.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What sports blogging is all about...

And it's the guys the EA folks simulating the NFL season with Brett Favre on different teams, courtesy of the Sporting News. (Hat Tip: The Big Lead)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Things I love: Message Board Moderator

Oh Message Board Moderator how I love thee.

While some might say you're a 55 year old fat loser that has over 15,000 'Posts' and is the Internet version of Cartman from 'South Park' .."You will respect My Authoritaa!", I know that's not the case.

While alot of people think you probably haven't seen a vagina since you were birthed, I know that you probably have a very loving family that you see for the 45 minutes a day you aren't guarding the 'Saints Community' from spam, porn, and hateful posts that are derogatory towards our favorite Saints player!

You are a guardian angel in an ocean of Diarhia!

You keep bloggers from from pimping their posts and podcasts with cool guests from around the country away from fans ears so that GFBIGTENTSAINT57 can create his 45th thread talking about Drew Brees' wife having a baby and how Devery Henderson is going to start catching the ball and become JERRY FUCKING RICE!

Sorry, I know you frown on bad language and ripping shity Saints players a new asshole.

You protect Jason David from the meanness of the Internet and for that I love you.

Is Two-Face Our New Tight End?

Ah, prior to Thursday...

"Me Jeremy Shockey!! Me come to Big Easy, crush all sorts of pussy! Add to extensive tattoo collection!! Roar!!!"
"Me ultimate tight end! Always wide open! They throw me ball, I catch ball and run over bad guys to end zone! Me do happy dance, make out with three cheerleaders to celebrate score!!!"

On Thursday...

"Greetings, Saints fans, my name's Jeremy, what's yours? I certainly hope that my old reputation as a rapscallion has not soured your opinion of my potential in this offense. I look forward to sitting down for many a fine discussion with the coach and the locker room leaders. Why, I may even take in a round of golf or visit the driving range with some of them! That sure would be swell! Hmmm, do you know of any places in this 'Warehouse District' that have yoga classes? I'm also interested in procuring a certification in the culinary arts. Now if you'll excuse me, I promised some older ladies that I would go back to sign a few autographs for them. Good day, all!"

On Friday...

SHOCKEY: "Wow, Drew, I think my first day went particularly well, don't you? Do you think Coach would let me bring a parfait machine into the dorm after hours for an evening snack for the rest of the fellas?"

DREW: "Ah, look Jeremy, you don't need to be one big ray of sunshine here. All you have to do is play the game, not be a jerk on and off the field, and hammer the occasional Habitat for Humanity house. Savvy?"

SHOCKEY: "Pray thee, sir, now what is this 'hammer' you speak of?"

DREW: "Aw, Christ..."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Podcast Tonight....and nudity on the radio!

I'm Ralph Malbrough, columnist from, Tonight at 8:30 I'll be hosting a podcast with Kevin Held from Hakim Drops the Ball. We'll chat about Jeremy Shockey and the guy from may or may not stop by to insult me. Plus your phone calls! Listen or download us at and call in at (347) 215-8037If you want Saints talk with an edge, check us out.

Birdman Leaves the Nest, Flies off to the Mountains...

Almost sounds like a failed Led Zeppelin lyric, doesn't it? No mention of Gollum, though...

Anywho, Chris 'Not Koko B. Ware' Andersen has reportedly signed aone year deal with his old team, the Denver Nuggets. The former fan favorite at the Hive will go back to the place where it all began for him. I wish him luck. May you average 5.2 points per game in Denver, sir, as opposed to your career average 5.1 ppg!

Morten Andersen -- Motivational Speaker

It's good to hear that Morten Anderson is not living in a van down by the river. Not sure what to make of this video below, featuring Andersen grabbing his junk for the first 30 seconds and apparently trying to tell jokes to his Danish brethren, but the man who is most remembered for being the first entrant into the Danish American Football Federation is maybe plotting his eventual return to the NFL.

And if you think the video is too grainy to be able to identify Morten Andersen, here are the ONLY words he says in English: Bum Phillips, New Orleans, Atlanta Falcons, and Jim Mora. Yep, that's the Great Dane, alright.

(Hat Tip to You Been Blinded and Deadspin for this one.)

Hey Buddy, that's our job!

The bitter angry Saints fan over at ripped Ralph Malbrough of a new asshole over his Saints Training camp preview. While we love when Malbrough gets torn a new body cavity, that's our bit, step the fuck off!

It's been a crazy few days for the Saints

Know what I love about the pre-pre-pre-season of the NFL? How just before training camp, a fan can get woeful news that his team just signed a loudmouthed oafish jackass to the squad, and the within two days learn that this same team renegotiated a contract extension with one of the leagues best receivers to keep him on the squad (and happy) for the next three years. Yep, the Saints have taken care of their second most important offensive cog (behind Drew Brees, of course), in giving Marques Colston a big, fat extension.

No word on what it's worth, though, but who really gives a shit? The fact is...Colston signed on the line which is dotted and is heading up to training camp.

Psst, hey Marques! You don't have to live in a towel bin anymore! In fact, you can probably buy a money bin, store your cash there, and swim around in it from now on. Hell, invite some of the guys over. Have a blast! Just watch out for Shockey, though...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

New Orleans Just Got a Whole Lot More Douche-Tastic...

For fuck's sake, Sean Payton! Seriously? I mean...seriously?! (Waves arms around frantically) I mean, Jesus Christ, Coach! Shit, sir! I'm trying to arrange flights to New Orleans so I can watch my team and you guys go and do THIS?!? Are you shitting me, GM Mickey Loomis?

I already gave you guys my non-refundable season ticket payment, so do in Christ's sweet, sweet name would feel compelled to bring this guy on board? Does he possess photos of y'all in provocative poses or something? Both mid AND post-coitus? Cause it sure as hell can't be his ability to hold a locker room together. As my older brother would say, Shockey is a classic, "turd in the punchbowl guy." He'll catch four or five passes, drop three or four, then stare angrily at his hands before blaming Drew Brees for slinging it too hard at him.

Does anybody out there HONESTLY believe he's interested in blocking for Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush or Pierre Thomas? Really? Anyone? Show of hands...


Thought so.

And we gave up two draft picks for this asshat?! A second rounder among them? (Slams face into computer desk) All for Jeremy 'Sweetheart, lets do us some Yay-Gah Bombs!' Shockey?

I got to work at 2 p.m., heard the news at around 3:30 p.m., and wanted to scream like an extra in '300' the rest of the evening. This is terrible news. The Saints do not need a potential locker room killin', injury prone slack-jawin', mouth-runnin', hyper-complainin', martini drinkin' up in a sky box, sorry ass for a tight end!!

Here's a small sampling of comments from the blogosphere that I wish I'd come up with:

"This is, without question, the worst thing that’s ever happened to New Orleans." (KSK)
"Jeremy Shockey. French Quarter. I can’t think of anything that could possibly go wrong." (KSK)
"The last thing New Orleans needs is another hurricane." (KSK)

"FEMA has already setup aid tents for the impending victims." (Deadspin)
"I predict that with this move Sean Payton will end up back on the corner stool at my local tavern making calls to his bookie." (Deadspin)
"I don't understand why everyone is always so down on Shockey as a fantasy player. Am I the only one in a league that gives points for a player developing an entirely new strain of venereal disease? His Hepatitis Q got me into the finals last year!" (Deadspin)

And of course, some folks at ESPN are fucking thrilled at the idea of Shockey coming here. Great. Down hill for us, then.

Okay, Jeremy, here's what you're going to do. You're going to arrive in New Orleans and you're going to read a brief statement to the local media and address the fan base, saying that you are FULLY COMMITTED to this organization and its fans, that you UNDERSTAND that you have a REPUTATION that you must shake off upon coming down here, and that you will work hard at training camp to EARN our RESPECT and ADMIRATION. And you will conclude by saying that when Coach Payton asks you to BLOCK, you will say, "how many times, sir?"

I'm gonna be watchin' you, Mr. Shockey. And if you can prove that you're turning things around by say...week 4, then I'll come out and apologize for blasting you so vehemently. Until's all on you, Tattoo'ed One.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Shock me Baby


And yes!

The Saints traded for Jeremy Shockey per John Clayton.


For all you people that don't think the Saints should go get a trouble maker like Shockey, umm you can't win a Super Bowl with out a headcase or two.

And who cares about draft picks, those are like use them then throw them away...zing!

Drew Brees and Sean Payton will be able to keep him in line and Shockey will likely be on good behavior for the first year.

Now the Saints have Shockey, Colston, Bush, David Patten, and Robert Meachem.

That's a very solid group of pass catchers.

And most importantly, Jeremy can get his drink on in the Quarter.

Good times people.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

"I'm Goin' to Jackson...Gonna Mess Around..."

I give myself a 9.3 on usage of a Johnny Cash lyric as a headline. The Romanian judge will probably stiff me with an 8.8.

With the Saints starting training camp this week, I figured this would be a good time to post something I received in an email from the Sports Nuggets newsletter. 'The Nuggets' is a small email group that receives news, stats, opinion, analysis and occasionally, a scoop, on all things related to sports in Louisiana, from one writer. He chooses to keep things strictly to a mass email group, but I'm trying to coax him into posting for Hakim Drops the Ball. In the meantime, here's something that I found in my mailbox this morning from Mr. Sports Nuggets. Enjoy.

The Saints begin training camp in Jackson, Mississppi at Millsaps College on Thursday, July 24. The will have two practices on Thursday. Lots of questions, as usual, going into training camp, with one being "Why go to Jackson?"

Ken Trahan and Ed Daniels, a pair of television sports personalities from New Orleans, brought it up on their Sat. morning radio show and had a good discussion. I agree with the two about Jackson: Sean Payton is the only reason why. A good part of Payton's interview with Tom Benson and Mickey Loomis surrounded training camp philosophy and selling them on going to Jackson and spending money to move the operation for a few weeks.

Payton is a huge disciple of Bill Parcells and ‘The Tuna’ was big on having training camp away from your own facility and comforts of home. While the Spartan lifestyle of training camp isn’t what it once was, there are a few advantages of going away. But why not keep things in state and put the dollars to work for our economy instead of Mississippi?

Ken and Ed suggested going to Lafayette and using ULL as a base for training camp ops. ULL would be better than SLU or Nicholls State and Lafayette would be great at accommodating the club. Lafayette has the amenities to handle the team and fans that come to watch. It is the fourth largest city in the state. ULL has an indoor facility that looks just like the one the Saints utilize on Airline. While it lacks air-conditioning, I am sure the Saints could write a check for that just like they did for improvements at Nicholls State and SLU. When it rains at Millsaps, the team either waits out the rain or goes in the gym.

If fans want to see the team practice, they have to drive three hours north from New Orleans (186 miles, according to Google Maps). Lafayette is a two-hour trip to the west (135 miles, according to Google Maps), plus, many Saints' fans live along the I-10 corridor, which means a shorter trip and less money to fill up the tank. It’s the economy, Saints fans!

Cajun Field at ULL holds 30,000-plus and would be great at accommodating a scrimmage crowd – better than Guidry Stadium at Nicholls or Strawberry at SLU. It's not the 50,000-plus that the Indy Bowl holds in Shreveport, but maybe a small expansion, aided by the Saints, could host a pre-season game. I’m probably asking for too much because the team would lose money for a smaller pre-season crowd, but it’s still a legit idea.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

F*cking Yankees fans...

These dickheads can't even keep things civil during the All-Star Game. I mean, (Red Sox/American League) Coach Terry Francona pitched Papelbon BEFORE bringing in Rivera, for Christ's sake; you'd think those douche bags would've taken a fucking chill pill. It's the All-Star Game, drunk dude, relax.

Hat tip to Patrick Imig and The Big Lead for this one.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

10 Angry Saints Questions

Yeah, Malbrough fired off an angry, bitter, and scathing 10 question preview for Saints training camp. We did like the shot he took at message board nerd though...
FYI: photo has absolutely nothing to do with football we just like seeing a tanked Jason Giambi signing tits..

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Podcast Tonight: Tampa Bay Preview

Ralph Malbrough from here. I'll be hosting our weekly Podcast with Kevin Held.

We'll have Scott Kramer from on to talk all things Bucs and if Brett Favre is going to be a gay pirate.

And he'll also try and explain why Jon Gruden isn't the anti-Christ.

You can go straight to the site here
Call in and tell us why we suck...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Billy Packer went Sopranos on UNO?

Holy Crap, WWL-TV Sports Director Jim Henderson tore outgoing CBS college basketball douche Billy Packer a new asshole on Monday.

Ol’ Hendu said that back in ’82, he and UNO Athletic Director Ron Maestri had arranged to have breakfast together so that Packer could give the Privateers suggestions on how to make the basketball team actually win games and draw fans. Impossible task, we know, but his suggestions were straight out of the Tony Soprano playbook. That’s “Soprano,” not “Sporano.”

Packer’s one and only brilliant suggestion? Build dorms on UNO's campus, using a company he was associated with as the primary builder...

We all knew Packer was a douche bag and humorless jerk who has no idea what the Internet or cell phones are, but who knew he liked to go all Tony Soprano on Mid-Major basketball schools.

Packer: “Hey, UNO! Yous guys need to build yous some dorms wit ma union crew! I know a guy who daws faubulaas woirk.

“I tell yous, they’s gonna be some fine fucking dorms. Not as nice as ACC ones mind you, but good ones.

“Did I's mentions I played at Wake fucking Forest? I never took construction or nothing, but my guys they can build shit. You'll be pleased.”

Billy, thank God you're gone, may you never resurface on basic cable.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Things I Love: Angela Hill's Saints' Pick

All blogs seem to be so negative (or, at least, that's what 'The Man' would have you believe.) "You suck! That sucks! Fuck her! Fuck him! Why can't Skip Bayless get cancer? Okay, that last one is negative, but oh so fun to think about.

So I'm here to start an occasional segment talking about things I love. It might be sports-related (Superdome nachos) or it might not (scotch).

On my first edition of 'Things I Love' -- WWL-TV anchor Angela Hill's Weekly Saints pick.

Sure, you might mock that she has never ever picked against the Saints and apparently believes the more stuffed animals, trinkets, or stupid fucking stuff viewers send in that she brings on camera, the better chance the Saints have of winning.

Mock her if you will, but for 20 seconds each week, even when the Saints are 3-9 and a 10 point underdog on the road, I believe they will win.

Why? Because Angela Hill's stuffed doll wearing a Saints shirt told me so. Do you doubt the power of Angela's stuffed inanimate object? (insert lewd jokes.)

Unlike you heartless bastards of little faith, I believe; at least until she goes to commercial break and I get my bookie on the phone to bet a against the Saints in five team teaser.

Don't you ever change, Angela.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Bryan Adams is going to bring the Saints Drafts to Heaven

The New Orleans Saints are proud to announce the hiring of Bryan Adams as new director of college scouting.

He brings sales of over 65 million records and countless number one hits.

No doubt college players will ," Run to you" and by you we mean Bryan.

He's going to send our drafts to ," Heaven"

Also he's probably the only good thing musically to ever come out of Canada besides Alanis Morrissette.

But we felt, her alternative rock and most current shitty album just didn't fit our scouting department needs.

And we'd hire a retard before we'd pay Celine Dion to scout players.




Bryan also inducted into Canada's Walk of Fame in 1998,[32] and more recently inducted into the Music Hall of Fame at Canada's Juno Awards in April 2006.

That's like the equivalent of a People's Choice Award in America you fucks.

This move means Super Bowl...


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Podcast bitches!

I'm Ralph Malbrough, columnist from, Tonight at 8:30 I'll be hosting a podcast with Kevin Held from Hakim Drops the Ball. We'll chat with's David Cariello about Training Camp, the media that covers the Saints, and try to get to the bottom of the Kenny Wilkerson saga. Plus your phone calls! Listen or download us at and call in at (347) 215-8037 If you want Saints talk with an edge, check us out.

Gramatica Chronicles

Hello my friends,

As you know I, the great Martin Gramatica, kicker and savior of the New Orleans Saints.

I bring joy, happiness, and a love of whores and drugs to the job of NFL placekicking. Now there is a potential roadblock to my plan to spread joy to the 'Big Easy'.

That road block piece of Shit is Taylor Mehlhaff. He's not only clearly gay but he's from Wisconsin. That's practically Canada. And we all know Canadians drink shitty bear, listen to Bryan Adams, and dream of raping American women while getting free crappy health care.

Asshole. Look at this douche practice his 'kicking'? How pathetic? He doesn't even celebrate.

Everyone knows every field goal made should be celebrated like the birth of a child, winning the World Cup, or impregnating a coked up super model.

In case you doubt my greatness just look at this 115 yard kick I made against the Colts

Goooooooaaaal! So this my friends is a warning to you Taylor 'fucking'Mehlhaff, " Martin Gramatica is the kicker of New Orleans Saints.

Now excuse me while I go do a line of coke of this whore's ass.

A Message to All the Blogs...

To the guys running Deadspin, Big Lead, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather, Dave Lozo, and anyone else in the circle that feels compelled to shell each other publicly like it's junior high:

Okay, so is it official to say that the blogosphere has become everything I hated about mainstream sports media? Exclusive clubs where only a small number of guys hold all the cards and have routine pissing matches with other blogs they don’t like? Yeah, cause nothing makes me want to read KSK, With Leather, Deadspin, DaveLozo and The Big Lead more than wading through the invective pool.

I mean, look at the comments on Deadspin, for God’s sake: you have to audition to be considered for commenting privileges…! This isn’t a crappy FOX reality show, it’s just a sports blog. Granted, 89% of all sports blogs are inherently more funny than ‘The Best Damn Sports Show Period,’ but I digress…

If the editors of a blog want to blast commenters who step out of line after the fact, fine; it’s their prerogative.

When did the sports blogosphere become a mine field? Wasn’t this supposed to be about a bunch of guys and gals from across the globe just spouting their own opinions and linking to actual news stories along with the occasion picture of some half naked chick? I thought this was supposed to be like that episode of ‘The Simpsons’ where the townsfolk, fed up with the idea of Monty Burns owning all the media outlets and telling them everything from his point of view, decide they’re going to start publishing what they want.

Sure, it resulted in a saturation of new media, half of which was nonsensical anyway, but the point was people were going to start doing their own thing and get their info from anybody who could cater to their needs.

In this case, all I want to do is read about sports and laugh. And blast Jay Mariotti. And Skip Bayless. Simple, but effective.

Now quit turning this series of tubes into a giant pissing match and get back to making me laugh, dammit!

"See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions!"
--Homer Simpson

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Rays 'Get the Devil Out' ... Sit Atop AL East

So we're halfway through the MLB season and the Tampa Bay Rays are STILL atop the American League East, extending their lead over the second place Red Sox with a win last night at the Tropicana.

As a Red Sox fan, I'm flabbergasted to see the Rays at the top of the standings. However, if the Sox have to look up at anyone for the time least it's not the Yankees.

So, why the post? Well, the obvious claim I've heard from the sports radio folk is the ubiquitous, "Hey, they change their name and look what happens?" Yeah. Seems logical. Or, more precisely, this team "Got the Devil Out."

"Got the devil out" is an expression my dad uses whenever he's dropping a deuce. Why? Because at his age, going number two feels like he's exercising a demon from his colon. Hey, the man's not exactly the paradigm of good health, but so what? It's a hilarious phrase to describe pooping. describe how the Rays have gotten better. It just so happens the franchise literally 'Got the devil out' of their name. Made it pretty easy for me to come up with the analogy. Sometimes life's good like that.