Wednesday, December 30, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 16)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-14)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-12)
30. Detroit Lions (2-13)
29. Washington Redskins (4-11)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-12)
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-10)
26. Buffalo Bills (5-10)
25. Cleveland Browns (4-11)
24. Oakland Raiders (6-9)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8)
22. Chicago Bears (6-9)
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-8)

20. Miami Dolphins (7-8)
19. New York Giants (8-7)
18. Tennessee Titans (7-8)
17. Carolina Panthers (7-8)
16. Atlanta Falcons (8-7)
15. New York Jets (8-7)
14. Denver Broncos (8-7)
13. Houston Texans (8-7)
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7): The referees would like to thank the Steelers management for the wonderful gift baskets.
11. Baltimore Ravens (8-7)

10. Cincinnati Bengals (10-5)
9. New England Patriots (10-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (10-5)
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-5)
6. Green Bay Packers (10-5)
5. Minnesota Vikings (11-4)
4. New Orleans Saints (13-2)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (11-4)
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-1)
1. San Diego Chargers (12-3)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Return of the 'Magnificent Seven' (Verily.)

EXT. Saints headquarters on Airline Hwy in Metairie -- NIGHT

(Dozens of Saints fans are outside, brandishing torches and pitchforks. Somewhere, Ralph Malbrough is sharpening the guillotine.)

ANGRY MOB: grumble-grumble-grumble-blah-blah-blah! We demand blood!!! BLOOD!!!

(Inside the Saints' practice facility, Head Coach Sean Payton and kicker Garrett Hartley watch from a third floor window as the crowd gets restless.)

PAYTON: Well look at 'em, Garrett.

GARRETT: Coach, I'm sorry. I said I was sorry. I even wept to Peter Finney hoping he might be able to buy me some time, but what can I do?

PAYTON: Well, for starters we've got to take some of the fire out of that crowd. (Pushes intercom button.) Uh, Doris? Could you please dispatch 'The Shockmeister' into the crowd to sex up a bunch of the women? Thank you. (Lets go of intercom button.) That should take a lot out of them.

GARRETT: But what about the guys in the crowd?

PAYTON: Jeremy's told me he's sexed up countless married women in the Crescent City and for whatever reason, the husbands seem content to be in the room watching while it happens. Can't figure it out for the life of me. Must be those "high society" types.

GARRETT: But what if those aren't "high society" types?

PAYTON: J-Shock will sell them his used chewing tobacco, which they can turn around and sell on eBay.

GARRETT: He's got enough?

PAYTON: Did you SEE him on the sidelines during the Bucs game? The guy was stuffing it in his mouth like it was titties or something!!!

GARRETT: Okay...well then what do we do?

PAYTON: (Pushes intercom button.) Send him in, Doris. (Lets go of button.) Well, I'm sorry to have to do this to you, Garrett, but we've got put you on IR.

GARRETT: What? I'm fine! I'm healthy!!

PAYTON: Look, I'm trying to save our asses here! Do you have ANY idea how fucking frustrating it is to be haunted by a kicking problem? I've had SEVEN different guys kick for me in four years!! That shouldn't be my legacy, Garrett!

GARRETT: Seven? Really? Who'd you have?

PAYTON: John Carney, Billy Cundiff, Olindo Mare, Martin Grammatica, Taylor Mehlhaff, and you.

GARRETT: Yeah, but coach that's only six guys. Who's number seven?

(In walks a VERY old man.)

THE DANE: Hilsener, bus! (Greetings, Coach!)

GARRETT: Really?!? You're bringing back fuckin' Morten Andersen?!? Dude's gotta be in his 50s!!

PAYTON: Wrong! He turned 49 this past August, so there!

THE DANE: Jeg er bedrøvelig hen til høre om jeres skade. (I am sorry to hear about your injury.)

GARRETT: Again...WHAT injury?

PAYTON: I'm having it leaked that you ruptured something in your foot during that first field goal attempt. Since it was the last time anybody saw you kick prior to the shank, I think some people will buy it, especially when I refuse comment for a week and a half.

GARRETT: You can't do this to me!! I was 21 of 21 on field goals under 50 yards, for Christ's sake! And you're gonna replace me with the fucking Dutchman?

PAYTON: Hey, I need people to not freak out and come down and hang us all from the I-10 overpass, okay? From here on out, Morten will handle everything under 40 yards. You can do that, right Morten?

THE DANE: JEG forsikre jer mig spark ben er kraftig. (I assure you my kicking leg is strong.)

GARRETT: And who handles the ones over 40?!?

MORSTEAD: Greetings! Garrett, I'm so sorry to hear about your foot injury. You seem to be getting around on it quite nicely, though.

GARRETT: For the last FUCKING TIME, I AM NOT INJURED! My foot is fine!!!

PAYTON: Oh really? Uh, Morten you wanna take care of this...?

THE DANE: JEG skal knase jeres fod verily! (I shall crush your foot, verily!)

(Morten Andersen slams the mighty hammer down on Garrett's kicking foot.)

GARRETT: Fuck, you've broken my goddamn foot, you asshole!!

MORSTEAD: Oh, sweet, you like to dress up, too? Hang on a second...

MORSTEAD: We are going to KICK SO MUCH ASS together!!

THE DANE: Verily.

GARRETT: Can somebody call a fucking medic for me?!? Jesus Christ...!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Was the Unknown Who Dat really born in the 16th Century?

Once again, the boys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have unknowingly given the few of us Saints fans not swept up in this "Unknown Who Dat" crap the perfect counter move.

He is Unknown Who Dat!! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!!


Know what the sad thing is? I've really got no personal beef with this guy (Bill whateverthehellhisnameis). My problem is that his incoherent, obnoxious rambling and stomping about has been foisted upon all of us as some sort of representation of the best we Saints fans have to offer the football world. It's pathetic.

Shit, if you wanna anoint a bout this guy:

At least this guy has the sense to be a "character" if he's gonna act ridiculous for stadium cameras.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 15)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.

And your pictures for today are of "adult film actress" (thanks Sports Night!) Lisa Ann. She's got, uh, nice eyes.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-13)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-11): Congrats to Missouri, which has the two worst teams in football. Seems like the "Gateway to the West" is more like the "Gateway to Suck." Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal!
30. Washington Redskins (4-10): Sorry, but this franchise is a God damn embarrassment to organized sports. And the how f*ck do they just roll over for the Giants but try and do their best Buster Douglas impression against the Saints?
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-12)
28. Detroit Lions (2-12): Yep, I'm ranking the Lions ahead of teams with better records and a team that won last week while they (the Lions) lost. The Lions played the Arizona "Divisional Round Upset" Cardinals down to the wire. That gets you cred.
27. Cleveland Browns (3-11): Really? I have to rank Cleveland this high?
26. Seattle Seahawks (5-9)
25. Chicago Bears (5-9): The guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have been having a field day with Jay Cutler all year long.
24. Buffalo Bills (5-9): They played the Patriots tough, so I'll rank them ahead of Chicago.
23. San Francisco 49ers (6-8)
22. Oakland Raiders (5-9): Can the Raiders climb out of this...wait for it..."Black Hole" and into the second tier of teams in my rankings? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!
21. New York Jets (7-7): Way to hold a visiting team to 10 points and STILL find a way to lose. Fucking idiots...

20. Carolina Panthers (6-8): The check is in the mail, John Fox.
19. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
18. Atlanta Falcons (7-7)
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-7): Playing at a neutral site might be beneficial to the Jaguars.
16. Houston Texans (7-7)
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7): Congrats, Super Bowl Champs: you're back to .500, now sit down and shut the fuck up.
14. Denver Broncos (8-6)
13. Tennessee Titans (7-7): AFC teams better hope these guys don't sneak into the playoffs.
12. Baltimore Ravens (8-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (9-5): Couldn't you have beaten those ass hat Steelers, for fuck's sake?

10. New York Giants (8-5)
9. New England Patriots (9-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (9-5): Beating an undefeated team moves you up a few spots in the rankings, I don't care who you are. Sincerely, Mark Schlareth.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (9-5): Tough road loss.
6. Arizona Cardinals (9-5)
5. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
4. Minnesota Vikings (11-3): Dear Brad Childress, Thanks for getting into a pissing contest with Brett Favre and blowing the Panthers game. Signed, New Orleans Saints fans. (Do I owe Jim Rome a dollar for this?)
3. New Orleans Saints (13-1): That's right, I'm ranking them below the Chargers. If the Saints win they can get back into 2nd place. Hell, if they blow out Tampa and the Colts either lose or escape with an ugly win, I might even bring them back to the top.
2. San Diego Chargers (11-3): This team is flying under the radar it seems. And they're a two-seed in the AFC.
1. Indianapolis Colts (14-0)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 14)

You got not power rankings last week. Rather than give you a litany of reasons why, let's just forge ahead with the understanding that I was extraordinarily burdened with shit.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-12): This franchise has two options come draft time. Either get that DT from Nebraska or trade down for more picks, cause this team needs a fuck ton of help defensively. Of course, the guy who drafted Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning is running the franchise, so I guess that means it's Jimmy Clausen, right?

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-12)

30. Detroit Lions (2-11)

29. Kansas City Chiefs (3-10)

28. Cleveland Browns (2-10): Fun times in Cleveland again!!

27. Washington Redskins (4-9)

26. Buffalo Bills (5-8)

25. Oakland Raiders (4-9): I'm hoping this is the highest I will rank the Raiders this year.

24. Chicago Bears (5-8): Yeah, I guess the Bears would beat all these teams below them...(shrugs shoulders)

23. Carolina Panthers (5-8)

22. Seattle Seahawks (5-8)

21. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7): Fuck you guys. No, seriously. Fuck all y'all. If this were any other team that lost five in a row, real power ranking folks would put that team in the 20s without question. Shit, I wish I had enough confidence to think these other guys below in the rankings could beat them.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-6)

19. Atlanta Falcons (6-7)

18. San Francisco 49ers (6-7)

17. Houston Texans (6-7): Andre Johnson = Man.

16. New York Jets (7-6)

15. Miami Dolphins (7-6)

14. Tennessee Titans (6-7)

13. New York Giants (7-6)

12. Dallas Cowboys (8-5): America's Team vs. God's Team this Saturday night. Winner gets the rights to Shreveport.

11. Baltimore Ravens (7-6)

10. Arizona Cardinals (8-5): Two words for Gregg Williams...BLUE PRINT. The 49ers just showed you how to skull fuck the Cardinals on national television. Hope you DVR'd this one and not that lame singing show on NBC, Gregg.

9. Denver Broncos (8-5)

8. Cincinnati Bengals (9-4): The Bengals just don't look threatening right now.

7. New England Patriots (8-5)

6. Green Bay Packers (9-4): Wish I could put these guys higher, but everyone above them is playing excellent football.

5. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4): Hey, I'm in awe of DeSean Jackson, sure, but the prospect of Andy Reid in the playoffs...on the road...(Licks lips, salivates.)

4. San Diego Chargers (10-3): The Chargers are flying under the damn radar. I like that. Phillip Rivers deserves to be in the MVP discussion.

3. The Minnesota Vikings (11-2)

2. New Orleans Saints (13-0): I may catch shit for this, but I don't care. The Colts are setting records and doing their thing and the Saints are giving me heart palpitations. My medication is a home game on (semi) national television against the Cowboys.

1. Indianapolis Colts (13-0): Seriously. Neutral field, who you taking? The Saints and that banged up secondary with the D-line that can't get pressure on a fucking insurance salesman? I think not.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

...Paved with good intentions

(INT. Shockmeister's house -- Evening, Saturday before the Monday Night Football game against the Patriots.)

Scene: Jeremy Shockey is having an informal get together the day after Black Friday. No chicks allowed, though. Time for man business, etc.

SHOCKMEISTER: Drew-seph! Glad you could make it out, man!!

BREESUS: Yeah, no problem, Jeremy. What's the deal with the party? We kinda got a big game in a couple days.

SHOCKMEISTER: Relax, 9! This ain't a "party" party, per say. This is a "let me try and do something nice for my main man, Drew Brees," kinda party!

BREESUS: Oooookay. Well who else is here?

TOMMY: Me, sir! I got here first!

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucker was here twenty minutes before the party was "scheduled" to start. Kinda prevented me from "opening up the playbook" if you know what I mean...

BREESUS: You masturbate before a party?

SHOCKMEISTER: Dude, why wouldn't I? Shit, I do that almost anytime before a potentially big pressure situation. I picked up that nugget from "There's Something About Mary."

BREESUS: So you're gonna do that before the Monday Night Football game?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuck yeah, Drew! Maybe not twenty minutes before kickoff, but I'll definitely be doing it in the building.

(Brees shakes his head.)

BREESUS: Okay, well, uh, who else is here?

(Shockey leads Brees into his living room area, where a few other players are gathered.)

BREESUS: Hey, guys!

(John Carney wakes up after dozing off earlier. Devery Henderson springs up from the couch and catches two footballs with both hands while blindfolded.)

DEVERY: What's up, Drew Dat?

THE CARNEY: Hey! Where am I? Who are you people!? How did I get here?!?

BREESUS: Is he okay?

TOMMY: Yeah, he's been like this since he got here. I hope he's not having one of his episodes again...

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, the old fucker needs to be drinking his Metamucil and shit so he don't shank field goals or something. We're gonna need every point and every advantage this Monday to beat the Fag-triots!

BREESUS: Well, I'm feeling pretty good. I usually get these vibes before a good game.

SHOCKMEISTER: Good? No, Drew, we need GREAT from you on Monday! We can't afford to just be "good," we gotta kick the shit outta these chowder munching ass clowns! I never got to really enjoy that Super Bowl win with the Giants, so this is the next best thing!

TOMMY: Weren't you liquored up in a booth and not with your teammates?

SHOCKMEISTER: You're out of your element, Tommy!!! Look, Drew, I've got something here that is going to guarantee a victory for us on Monday.

(Shockmeister leads Breesus, Tommy and Devery into his bedroom. The Carney falls back asleep, mumbling something about Ray Guy.)

SHOCKMEISTER: It's up here somewhere...

(Shockmeister digs in his closet and pulls a game from the top shelf.)

SHOCKMEISTER: So? Whatta you think???


SHOCKMEISTER: Well? Say something!


DEVERY: Oh, you must be out-chore damn mind, fool!

SHOCKMEISTER: What? What'd I do?


TOMMY: Uh, do you have ANY idea how offensive something like is for Drew? To even HINT or try and JOKE that Drew could communicate with his dead mother is definitely NOT COOL, dude.

SHOCKMEISTER: Communicate!? Fuck, I want her to tell us what the God damn Patriots are gonna run on offense and defense!!!


(Breesus walks out of the Shockmeister's apartment without saying a word. The Shockmeister is dumbfounded.)

SHOCKMEISTER: What?!? I'm trying to give Drew a chance to say "hi" to his mom AND help the team out and suddenly I'M THE ASSHOLE???

TOMMY: Really not cool, Jeremy. You know about Drew's mother! Why are you being an insensitive prick?

SHOCKMEISTER: Don't get yer panties in a bunch, Puntmaster Flex! Shockmeister is gonna make this thing work!

DEVERY: Fuck that shit, man! I am getting outta here. Whenever there's weird freaky shit like this, it's ALWAYS the black guy who gets it first. And I don't need no "other worldly" help to catch shit blindfolded!

(Devery leaves the apartment.)

TOMMY: And how were you gonna ask his mom? The game hasn't happened yet!

SHOCKMEISTER: Dude, everything is known up in Heaven. Ain't you read the Bible?!?

TOMMY: Uh, I did go to SMU.

SHOCKMEISTER: Whatever. Besides, you saying she won't know? God and e'rybody knows what's gonna happen before it happens!

TOMMY: What are you, Calvinist?

SHOCKMEISTER: Nah, I was always a Hobbes fan myself.

TOMMY: Shit...


(Shockmeister and Tommy are hunched over the Ouija board, moving that weird pointy piece.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Brah, I'm not touching it!!

TOMMY: Me neither!!

SHOCKMEISTER: This is fuckin' insane, brah!

TOMMY: You feel a chill running up your spine, Shockmeister?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuck-ing right on.

(The lights begin flickering in Shockmeister's apartment. The room begins vibrating.)

TOMMY: What the fuck is going on, Jeremy?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucking place hadn't shaken like this since I bagged Vida Guerra's ass about a year ago!!

(Suddenly, Jeremy's closet doors rip off and fly into the walls, a large beam of light comes shooting out, pouring over the room. Jeremy's room is now lily white. Shockey and Tommy are blinded by the light, but begin to see a figure walking out of the closet toward them.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Alright, now remember: I'll ask the questions, okay?

TOMMY: Right...

GOD: Can I help you gentlemen?

TOMMY: Oh, dang, it's Morgan Freeman! Wow, it's a thrill to meet you, Mr. Freeman!!

GOD: I'm not really Morgan Freeman. I Am Who Am.

SHOCKMEISTER: You're Popeye?

GOD: (rubs eyes.) No Jeremy. I am the one called Yaweh. The God of Abraham, Issac, David, Muhammad, I AM the Host of Hosts. The Alpha and The Omega. The Life and The Light.

SHOCKMEISTER: So you're really Morgan Freeman?

GOD: No. So many people love the idea of Morgan Freeman as Me that I figure, 'Hey, why not oblige some of them?'


TOMMY: Uh, Mr. Yaweh, sir?

GOD: Yes, Thomas?

TOMMY: Uh, why'd you respond to our Ouija board game?

GOD: Well, I needed to come down and tell you two guys to knock it off with the Ouija board. And, Jeremy, what in the sam hell were you thinking by bringing that thing out in front of Breesus?

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking straight...wait a second? YOU call him Breesus?

GOD: Oh yeah, my son gets a big kick out of it. He's got Drew's Fathead on a wall in his room. Now listen, you boys can't be whipping out a Ouija board in front of Drew, okay? He's a special man and he needs to have his mind at ease before Monday's game.

SHOCKMEISTER: But I wanted to try and help him out...

GOD: But not like this, Jeremy. You have to be a friend to Drew and be ready to block and catch for him on that field. That's what you can do for him.


GOD: And Tommy, you can help Drew by blasting the devil out of those footballs every time you get to kickoff our punt, okay?

TOMMY: Yes, sir! Can do!

GOD: Oh, and could one of you, probably Tommy since Drew won't talk to you Jeremy for a while, please give Drew this card for me?

TOMMY: A credit card?

GOD: Not just any credit card. Give it to Drew, if he spends anything for charity's sake, he'll have a monster game.

SHOCKMEISTER: How come the numbers aren't there?

GOD: Drew will see them. Don't worry about that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go appear in bathroom fixture in Laramie, Wyoming. (The number Drew will see is: 3817 1823 3715 1583)

(God walks back into the closet. Jeremy's apartment goes back to normal.)

GOD: Oh, and don't tell anybody I came to see you. Otherwise I'll have to give Devery leprosy.

TOMMY: No problem.

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, later, God.


(God is on the phone.)

GOD: Yeah, this is the Bellagio? Hey, what's the odds on Drew Brees throwing for five touchdowns and no picks, more than 370 yards, completing more than 75 percent of his passes, and....Oh, getting a perfect QB rating? What's that? Wow. Sounds incalculable. Well, let's only wager a few hundred on it then, okay?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Drew Brees = Meast.

So anyone that's visited this fine site has seen my "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" posts. Well, the boys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber (a hilariously offensive football blog) have named Drew Brees their "Meast of the Week" (Meast = Man Beast).

Really, the comments section on that story is full of gems like:

--Drew Brees will absolutely spot you 5 bucks, and waive you off when you try to pay him back.

--If it were down to a big piece of chicken and a wing, Drew Brees would let you have the big piece.

--Drew Brees knows the Secret Santa price cap was set at $20, but he’ll be happy to spend a little more to get you something you would really enjoy.

--Drew Brees will split the dinner bill, even though he just had a water.

Fun times for all!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 12)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.

32. Cleveland Browns (1-10)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10)
30. St. Louis Rams (1-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-9)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8)
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8)
26. Washington Redskins (3-8)
25. Chicago Bears (4-7)
24. Carolina Panthers (4-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
22. Buffalo Bills (4-7)
21. Miami Dolphins (5-6)

20. San Francisco 49ers (5-6)
19. New York Jets (5-6)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
17. Houston Texans (5-6)
16. Atlanta Falcons (6-5)
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Tennessee Titans (5-6)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5): Thanks for coming through in the FAIL for me, guys. Dickheads.
12. Denver Broncos (7-4)
11. Arizona Cardinals (7-4)

10. Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
9. Green Bay Packers (7-4)
8. New England Patriots (7-4): Go fuck yourself, Bill Simmons. Hey, here's a Rocky pop culture reference for you: know how you say championship teams have the "Eye of the Tiger?" Guess what? Drew Brees IS the Eye of the Tiger. Tom Brady? He's got the Eye of the Vagina, shit head.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
6. Dallas Cowboys (8-3)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3): Congrats on sweeping the AFC North. The Saints will be gunning to do the same thing. Here's weird theoretical question: What happens if the the Broncos don't pull the upset in week 1 versus the Bengals? Is it a simple case of the Bengals just being 9-2?
4. San Diego Charges (8-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (11-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (11-0): If anyone in the national sports media has Drew Brees as fourth or worse on their MVP list, I have three words for you: GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday Hopes and Holiday Wish Lists...

With Christmas season upon Who Dat Nation, I thought it would be kinda cool if I shared some new and exciting information that's just come my way.

Now look...I know a guy who, well frankly, KNOWS A GUY...and he got the straight skinny on what the Black and Gold Boys were either shopping for this Black Friday or want this December 25th.

Mark Brunell: Sound retirement planning advice, from the Wu Tang Clan.

Reggie Bush: For Kim's brother, Rob, to introduce him to "Lisa Ann" and a copy of Nailin Paylin.

Pierre Thomas: Wants the following personalized license plates: "Ecto 1," "STR SCRMR," "LST STRFGHTR" and "MR. PTR T."

David Thomas: The secret formula for Coca-Cola.

John Carney: Type O blood plasma (24 pints) or Polident Overnight.

Malcolm Jenkins: Liquid Plumber Pipe Snake.

Devery Henderson: A non-MST3K copy of "Manos: The Hands of Fate."

Marques Colston: A velvet painting of himself.

Lance Moore: Shake Weight For Men. Because his biceps and triceps can still be just a little bit bigger...

Mike McKenzie: A guest stint on Pros vs. Joes. ... Wait? He actually WANTS that? That can't be right...

Jeremy Shockey: A year's supply of Trojan Ecstasy Condoms. He'll burn through them in three months.

Sean Payton: New golf visors, hair bandanas, and the number of a good drywall company. That's right, I'm going back to the well on that one. Deal with it.

Drew Brees: WaterBoardGame!

Darren Sharper: Stratego and .Ball In A Cup.

Thomas Morstead: Crossfire and a Hello Kitty Boom Box CD Player and the Hello Kitty 10-piece car cover interior set.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

This! Is! New Orleans!

My friend Lee found this. Whoever made this: +1,000,000 to you, sir...


I hope Darren Sharper fucking BURIES Tom Brady under the fleur-de-lis at the 50-yard line.

And by the way, am I the only one not at all fazed by the sight of Shockmeister wielding a sword and killing a man?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 11)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. I hope I don't start doing this to every team because that'll mean more work for me.

BTW...I got a dog over the weekend. His name is Doc. (I thought "Breesus" might be a bit much.) And I will be peppering this week's power rankings with pictures of him. Does that make me one of those pretentious "I love my doggy" type assholes? Sure. But this is my blog. Thanks for coming out.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-9)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-9): How bad are the fucking Browns? Bad enough to warrant me attaching THIS VIDEO. "Still Cleveland!"
29. Washington Redskins (3-7)
28. Seattle Seahawks (3-7)
27. Detroit Lions (2-8): Excellent show of grit for a team in the shitter.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-7)
25. Oakland Raiders (3-7)
24. Kansas City Chiefs (3-7): CHIEFS FTW! Way to fucking crush the spirits of all those goddamn bandwagoning Steelers fans!! Especially an overweight, piss-poor station leader in New Orleans who "suddenly" decided he was a Steelers fan in the 1970s and abandoned the Saints! Hey, asshole, I got a question for you: do you like apples?!?
23. New York Jets (4-6): Again, just so we're clear: since being beaten up by the Saints, the Jets are 1-5. Sanchez can take his virulent sexy girlfriends and fuck off.
22. Chicago Bears (4-6)
21. San Francisco (4-6)

Hey! Who's a good puppy! That's right, you are! You're such a good puppy!! Yes, yes, yes!!!


Uh, sorry about that. He's cute.

20. Carolina Panthers (4-6): Welcome out of the bottom third, Carolina!
19. Atlanta Falcons (5-5): We have some nice parting gifts for the Falcons for falling out of the playoff race. Lee's Press-On Nails and a three-piece travel luggage set.
18. Houston Texas (5-5): Dude, if Kris Brown is still even on the roster at the end of the year I will be stunned. I was at work last night and I remarked, "Kubiak needs to cut him" after the miss. The sports director at the station (in St. Louis) was nearby and said in a very condescending tone, "Yeah, you right, send a message!" That's the point, dick head. When the kicker fucks over the team twice in three weeks, it's time to consider trimming the fat.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-4): Way to get smoked at home.
15. Tennessee Titans (4-6)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
13. Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
12. New York Giants (6-4)
11. Green Bay Packers (6-4)

I see you! Huh?! You like chewing on your microchip, don't you?!? Huh? Who's a cute doggie even when he's being bad!?


This will only get worse from here on out. You've been warned. Hopefully Doc won't show up next time The Shockmeister is around.

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4): Oh, I waiting to put you assholes out of the top ten. Give me another reason, shit heads.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (6-4)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3): How the fuck do you blow a game to the Raiders of all teams?
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
6. Arizona Cardinals (7-3): If Warner's not in the lineup, this team doesn't do shit. Hmmm, sounds like a few other teams in the top team here.
5. San Diego Chargers (7-3): Winners of five straight. Can't laugh at Norv Turner now. At last, not too much.
4. New England Patriots (7-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (9-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-0): Colts are second because they got into a dicey situation with the Ravens...
1. New Orleans Saints (10-0): ...whereas the Saints blew out their opponent. Granted, their is a HUGE disparity between the Bucs and Ravens, but the Saints demonstrated that when they play mistake free football they will wax your ass like a Brazilian hooker at Mardi Gras in Rio.

Monday, November 23, 2009 the Hall of Tight Ends...

Scene: The nefarious Hall of Tight Ends, located on Isla Cozumel.

SHOCKMEISTER: (bangs gavel at podium) Order! Order will be had at the Hall of Tight Ends! (Puts on reading glasses) Now, I've called this meeting so that you may help me plot my vengeance against Kevin Boss!

JERRAMY: Bully for you, sir! And when do we plot my revenge against John Carlson?!?

SHOCKMEISTER: Uh, after we pull off this mission.

JERRAMY: And what about getting back at the Bucs for ditching me in favor of Kellen Winslow?

SGT. WINSLOW: Uh, I'm sitting next to you, asshole.

JERRAMY: Oh go get staph infection, soldier boy.

(Both men stand up, knock over their chairs and make a giant fuss for the next ten minutes, getting other people in the Hall of Tight Ends to "hold them back" so they don't "fight" one another.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Are you ladies done here? We got important business to attend to! (Everyone quiets down, regains their seats.) You two can hug it the fuck out after the meeting, K? Now, first of all, I'd like to congratulate another member of "Da U" in joining our fine establishment. Please give it up for Greg Olsen!

(Half applause as Olsen stands up to say a few words at the podium.)

OLSEN: Yo, yo, yo! E'rybody betta give it up for G-Reg, getting head from ALL the cheerleaders...

(Shockmeister cuts him off.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, that's great, G-Reg. Now please go and find your seat. It's somewhere away from the microphone. Thank you.

(G-Reg sulks off.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Any other business to be taken care of?

(A hand goes up.)

SHOCKMEISTER: What is it, Brent?

BRENT C: Yeah, I talked to the Captain Morgan people like you asked, J-Shock, but the CEO said the company wouldn't be paying any of our fines for doing the pose. Guess that means we have to abandon Operation Moneymaker.

(Moans and groans go up over the crowd. Shockmeister bangs his gavel again.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuck's sake, Celek! You're a God damned fantasy football stud this year! You're telling me the CEO of Captain Morgan wouldn't listen to you?

BRENT C: 'Fraid not, dude.

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuckin' fuck!

(Shockmeister pauses to regain his composure.)

SHOCKMEISTER: As you all know...(fights back tears)...Uh, we here, well more specifically, I have been plotting to strike back at Kevin Boss for stealing my job with the New York Giants. Now, what can we do to get back at him? Yes, Sgt. Winslow.

SGT. WINSLOW: Well, I wanna take this tall drink of water to boot camp! Make him crawl under some barbed wire! Fire shots overhead! Get in his face and get loud! Make him do, like, I dunno, something like 100 pushups or something! And situps! LOTS and LOTS of situps!! Chin-ups, too!!!!

SHOCKMEISTER: Okay...What say you, G-Reg?

OLSEN: I goin' to stick my third leg in his ear, yo!

SHOCKMEISTER: How colorful. Next...Jerramy?

JERRAMY: Yeah, uh, I could take his sister out on a "date."

OLSEN: I likes where yo head is at, Jer'Mee! You be dropping that shit like a member of the Seventh Floor Crew and shit!!!

SHOCKMEISTER: Dude, seriously?! You're kinda getting on my nerves here, okay? Chill the fuck out, G-Reg. Maybe go to Blockbuster video and convince the girls you're really Eric Christian Olsen or something...

BRENT C: I don't have any plans for this...

SHOCKMEISTER: And why not?

BRENT C: Dude, I'm not in it for your revenge fantasy, I'm only in this shit for the money. Maybe I can get an online casino URL shaved into my head next week...

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuck, doesn't anyone have anything POSITIVE to contribute here?!?

(A Hall of Tight Ends page runs up to the podium and hands the Shockmeister a note, who then reads it aloud.)

SHOCKMEISTER: After a thrilling performance against the Buccaneers Sunday, Dave Thomas has decreed that Wendy's will offer two for one deals on a medium frosty and junior bacon cheeseburger at all Wendy's locations Monday and Tuesday. Fuck me...

(Shockmeister bangs gavel.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Okay, next week's meeting will be about plotting my revenge against David Thomas! Tight ends, away!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Guess who's coming to dinner? (And spending the year?)

Scene: Saints Training Camp, Airline Highway -- DAY

(A Saints player is seated at one of the computer terminals inside the team facility, closely examining a particular website.)

BRUNELL: Hmmm, too many decisions here. Do I go with the Roth IRA or straight IRA? Not totally sure. The Brunell's gotta protect his taxable income for retirement.

(The computer pings an alert and Mark Brunell pauses from his retirement thoughts.)

BRUNELL: What's this? "Saints news alert." Better check this out.

(The Brunell clicks on the news alert popup icon and is taken to a new page.)

BRUNELL: (Reading.) "The New Orleans Saints have come to terms with former Ravens cornerback Chris McAlister." Oh shit. Guys! GUYS!

(A crop of players seated in the computer lab gather around Brunell's computer.)

TOMMY: What's up, Mr. Brunell? Hope nothing's vexing you too much on this fine Wednesday...

BRUNELL: Shut up, junior. Hey, Devery! Come look at this!

DEVERY: What's goin' on, 11? (Catches 15-yard pass fired at 80 mph standing on his tippy toes.)

BRUNELL: This computer here says Chris McAlister is joining the team. Tommy, you should check that other computer over there to make sure. It could just be this one saying that.

TOMMY: Uh, Mr. Brunell, all these computers will say the same thing. Why not try Googling 'Chris McAlister' and see if a different source comes up?

BRUNELL: What do you mean these computers will all say the same thing? You mean I've been hoarding this computer and putting my decals on it to mark my territory for nothing?

DEVERY: 'Fraid so, dude.

(The Brunell checks Google and sees other people are reporting the same thing.)

TOMMY: So who broke the news? Walsh? Triplett? Duncan?

BRUNELL: Apparently Gollum...

DEVERY: Hmmm, well, guess Coach Payton's trying to improve our defense. I mean, we DID give up 434 yards to the god awful St. Louis Rams. Sounds like a smart move...

BRUNELL: Are you kidding me?!? I heard this guy's a trouble maker!!

TOMMY: He's right Devery. I heard this McAlister fellow killed a guy in a knife fight.

DEVERY: Nah, I thought that was somebody else on the Ravens or some shit. Or maybe somebody from the Ravens who was sort of but not really connected to somebody getting stabbed, I dunno. I just know it wasn't Chris McAlister.

BRUNELL: I heard he set up the Kool Aid Man.

TOMMY: I thought he was the inspiration for one of the Grand Theft Auto Liberty City episodes...

BRUNELL: I think Jenkins heard about this. (Sees Malcolm Jenkins walking by in the hallway.) Hey, Malcolm! You know about this Chris McAlister signing?


BRUNELL: Do you know anything about this?

JENKINS: I'm not saying anything.

BRUNELL: Dagg-nabb-it! I need somebody who find out more information! Tommy, would this "Google" be able to confirm all the things we've heard?

TOMMY: Nah, I heard McAlister threatened to beat Google up if they made those stories easy to find.


DEVERY: Man, you guys are nuts. I'm going out to the practice field to work with the Juggs machine. (Catches bullet in teeth before leaving the room.)

BRUNELL: Well, who do we know that's a resident off the field hooligan? I saw this in Manhunter. You get a guy who can tap into the mind of a potential troublemaker. I need to know if this guy can be trusted around here.

TOMMY: Oh, I know a guy...

(Five minutes later....)

SHOCKMEISTER: What's up, Puntmaster Flex?

TOMMY: Hey, Jeremy. Listen, uh, did you hear that we signed...

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucking Chris McAlister! Hells yeah I heard it, podna! Gonna be nice to have another hip cat around to help me run the hoes!

TOMMY: See, that's the thing, Jeremy.


TOMMY: Right, J-Shock, sorry. Well, we've heard some rumors about this guy that maybe you can help us understand.

(Tommy proceeds to tell The Shockmeister all of the "rumors" he and The Brunell have heard.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Really, dude? You that naive? Mother fucker's gotten into trouble, sure, but it's not like he's pulled a Larry Johnson or been accused of raping some pain in the ass reality TV d-list celeb. Worst thing this guy did was get into a DUI mishap and got busted for weed possession. Know what we called that back when I was at "THE U" ... Thursday.


SHOCKMEISTER: But hey, listen, squirt. The Shockmeister does NOT condone a mother fucker driving around all liquored up. That ain't cool, yo. Especially if he ever wants to ride along in my sweet ass ride to check the ladies. But he's also a realist. And understands that when three of your ballhawking playmakers in the secondary are down, sometimes you gotta roll the dice for the good of the team.

TOMMY: Oooookay....Look, I'm gonna go back to the weight room and get the legs going. I'll see you later?

SHOCKMEISTER: You know it, brosef!

NFL Power Rankings (Week 10)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. For the first time, I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. I hope I don't start doing this to every team because that'll mean more work for me.

Here's one of my favorite things in the world: Brass Bonanza. RIDE THE WHALE!

32. Cleveland Browns (1-8): Mangini is better suited to be a coordinator than a head coach. Hell, some former head coaches aren't even suited to be serviceable coordinators (see: Haslett, Jim).
31. Oakland Raiders (2-7)
30. Detroit Lions (1-8)
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8)
28. St. Louis Rams (1-8): Hell, I was exceptionally wrong about this game. And I had to sit through it with my family chattering away about my brother's wedding. I like to watch a game in relative silence, save for my occasional outbursts of "are you fucking kidding me?" and "run, son, run!!!"
27. Kansas City Chiefs (2-7)
26. Buffalo Bills (3-6): Dick Jauron, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
25. Seattle Seahawks (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (3-6)
23. Chicago Bears (4-5): Think God I didn't get you in my fantasy league, Cutler. Christ, you fucking suck this year...
22. New York Jets (4-5): Since being embarrassed against the Saints, the Jets are 1-4.
21. Tennessee Titans (3-6): Bud Adams, FTW.

Know how I adore Keeley Hazell? Apparently she also "wants to be a singer." She even released a single called "Voyeur." Here's one minute of that song. One minute because that's all anyone could rightly stand of hearing her sing. Although she is wearing, uh...nice stuff...

20. San Francisco 49ers (4-5)
19. Carolina Panthers (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Miami Dolphins (4-5)
16. Atlanta Falcons (5-4): Matt Ryan, still killing me in fantasy football, dude.
15. New York Giants (5-4)
14. Houston Texans (5-4)
13. Denver Broncos (6-3): Kyle Orton looks a lot like an old friend of mine named Tim. Both enjoy heavy drinking, and their facial features were dominated by a neck beard and puffy cheeks.
12. Green Bay Packers (5-4)
11. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4)

I plan on getting an Xbox 360 and Assassin's Creed II this Christmas. War, me.

10. Dallas Cowboys (6-3)
9. Baltimore Ravens (5-4)
8. Arizona Cardinals (6-3)
7. San Diego Chargers (6-3): Norv Turner isn't really that good of a coach, right? It's Andy Reid who's just not as good down the stretch, right?
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3)
5. New England Patriots (6-3): Here's why I kept the Pats at 5, ranked ahead of the Steelers. One, Pats were on the road whereas the Steelers blew it at home. And two...fuck the Steelers and their bandwagoning fans from New Orleans who became fans in the 1970s and never even visited the fucking city of Pittsburgh to begin with, that's why.
4. Cincinnati Bengals (7-2)
3. Minnesota Vikings (8-1): I almost marked them down as 7-1. Then I remembered they played the Lions. Practically a bye week anyway.
2. New Orleans Saints (9-0): Sorry, Saints fans, but a team that barely survives against one of the five worst teams in the league cannot--repeat, CANNOT--be ranked ahead of a team that posted a come from behind victory against one of the five best teams in the league. It just can't happen.
1. Indianapolis Colts (9-0)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 9)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. For the first time, I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. I hope I don't start doing this to every team because that'll mean more work for me.

For pictures this week, I tried to find pics of Marissa Miller doing a Harley Davidson promotion where she dresses as a 1940s pin-up girl for Veterans Day. Classy stuff. But alas, I could not find those pics to download. Guess we'll just have to settle for Marissa Miller in biker gear on top of a Harley motorcycle. Sorry, everybody, my bad...

32. Cleveland Browns (1-7)
31. Washington Redskins (2-6)
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7): Creamsicle uniforns, FTW! Hey, hey, Tampa Bay! The Bucs know how to shine!!
29. Detroit Lions (1-7)
28. St. Louis Rams (1-7): I actually think having the bye week will help the Rams plan for the Saints. They'll hang with the Black & Gold Boys for at least a quarter.
27. Kansas City Chiefs (1-7)
26. Oakland Raiders (2-6)
25. Buffalo Bills (3-5)
24. Tennessee Titans (2-6): Uh, Vince Young "just wins games?"
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-5)
22. San Francisco 49ers (3-5): Dude, what's with the scary ass music in these NFL promos? I almost couldn't go to sleep last night because I had visions of the NFL logo chasing me in the woods.
21. Miami Dolphins (3-5)

20. Carolina Panthers (3-5): Grandmaster Wang over at Moose Denied found the perfect photo to exemplify the results of last Sunday's Saints-Panthers game.
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
18. Chicago Bears (4-4)
17. New York Jets (4-4): Since playing the Saints, the Jets are 1-3.
16. Green Bay Packers (4-4): Seems I may have overrated these guys in my NFL preview column. Note to Aaron Rodgers: you should get rid of the ball faster than the time it takes you to read this sentence.
15. New York Giants (5-4): Since playing the Saints, the Giants are 0-3.
14. Baltimore Ravens (4-4)
13. Arizona Cardinals (5-3)
12. Houston Texans (5-3): Is this the year the Texans finish 9-7? Yeah, they'll still miss the playoffs, but the fans might just build Gary Kubiak a bronze statute outside the stadium.
11. Atlanta Falcons (5-3): Matt Ryan is killing me in fantasy football, but anyone who says the Falcons are average is simply not playing with a full deck.

10. San Diego Chargers (5-3)
9. Denver Broncos (6-2): Bronco fans would have killed for a first half like this.
8. Philadelphia Eagles (6-2): I've got an idea for the NFL. Since they've imported the two-point conversion from the college game, why not take things a step further and utilize another fun rule? In college football, the clock stops anytime there's a first down so the chains can be reset. That wouldn't work in the NFL; games are long enough as it is. Instead, why not have the clock stop on all first downs while the chains are reset in the final two minutes of each half? It would make for more exciting finishes. I'm sure Andy Reid would like that idea.
7. Dallas Cowboys (6-2)
6. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2)
5. New England Patriots (6-2)
4. Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2): And because I'm nice, this is the second half from that Tecmo Bowl prediction game. Don't be fooled by the file name. I assure you, it's the second half.
2. Indianapolis Colts (8-0): I'm conflicted. Do I root for the Patriots so the Colts lose a game? Or do I root for the Colts because I now loathe the Patriots and Tom "he gave me an owie" Brady? Uh, can I root for the refs to somehow make it a tie game?
1. New Orleans Saints (8-0)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 8)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion.

Here's soccer WAG Alex Gerrard...

32. Cleveland Browns (1-7)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-7)
30. Washington Redskins (2-5)
29. Detroit Lions (1-7)
28. St. Louis Rams (1-7)
27. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
26. Tennessee Titans (1-6)
25. Oakland Raiders (2-6)
24. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)
23. Buffalo Bills (3-5)
22. San Francisco 49ers (3-4)
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)

Here's Christopher Walken reading lyrics from Lady GaGa's "Poker Face":

20. New York Jets (4-4)
19. Miami Dolphins (3-4)
18. Carolina Panthers (3-4)
17. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)
16. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-3)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-3)
13. Green Bay Packers (4-3)
12. New York Giants (5-3)
11. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)

Here's a video of a toddler playing with a Newfoundland dog:

10. Houston Texans (5-2)
9. Cincinnati Bengals (5-2)
8. Dallas Cowboys (5-2)
7. Denver Broncos (6-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (5-2)
5. New England Patriots (5-2)
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
3. Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (7-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (7-0)

And finally here's Archibald Manning chucking the ball around in the Superdome before they let the fans in for MNF:

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Saints v. Falcons LIVE BLOG.

Last time I wrote a “live blog” column was during Super Bowl 42 – my final piece at Since then, I’ve taken my act to dark corners of the Inter-webs, where I’ve waited for the perfect time to bring back the “live blog” whopping stick. Well, that and I’ve worked weeknights for the last two years and could never post like this for a Monday night game. I switched shifts with a co-worker just so I could sit at home and enjoy the game with a piece of chocolate cake, a frosty glass of milk, and eventually a couple bottles of beer and half a pepperoni pizza. That’s right, I’m a slob, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

To hell with going to a bar, I’m going to be an obnoxious, uptight, frightened, confident, loud-mouthed, foul-mouthed, beer drinking, fun loving, pizza eating, Jim Henderson obsessing, Falcon hating, Breesus slurping fool all in the privacy of my own home.

7:28 p.m. – ESPN’s panel of “experts” picks the Saints, 8-0. Perfect. So we’ve got the SI cover, Reggie Bush saying this team can run the table, and now Chris “with leather” Berman is piling onboard the bandwagon? Fuck me. Oh, and can someone tell Stu Scott that newborns don’t really “watch” anything, let alone a goddamn football game?

7:33 p.m. – “Resurgery,” Mr. Gruden? “Resurgery?” Really? We’re calling that one a word?

7:34 p.m. – Drew Brees makes me want to run through a wall filled not with insulation but with piranhas.

7:36 p.m. – Ah, Jon Gruden…you play poker with jokers? Really? Next thing you know, he’ll be making some obnoxious Dark Knight reference…

7:37 p.m. – Spoke too soon. Thanks, Jon. Isn’t Dan Snyder trying to call you? Or are you waiting for a call from South Bend? You need me to chip in some money for cab fare to the airport, sir? I’ll do it.

7:39 p.m. – Seeing those flashbacks to the first game back in the Dome will give me chills from here to eternity.

7:40 p.m. – Does the city deserve to have Hank “Hick” Williams call us “N’Awlins?” I didn’t think so.

7:40 p.m. – While I’m here: I think the ridiculous intro with the helmets flying around needs to go. Hell, I’d settle for the old B-list celebrity walking down the sidewalk, picking up an ‘ESPN’ helmet, looking into the camera and asking me if I’m ready for some football, followed by a Tony Gonzalez look alike running through the streets having some generic uniform get on him like he’s NFL SuperPro or something.

7:43 p.m. – In the interest of full disclosure, my fantasy team depends upon the following people: Matt Ryan, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. My opponent? He needs Marques Colston, John Carney and the Saints defense to do well. I think I should just ditch my score pick from Canal Street Chronicles and hope for 99-79 Saints. Or maybe I’ll just punch myself in the cock repeatedly throughout the evening, like some modern day flagellant.

7:46 p.m. – Terrible opening drive for the Saints’ defense. Near five minute drive there. Hope his Drew-ness answers the bell.

7:49 p.m. – When did George Peppard become the Falcons’ head coach?

7:50 p.m. – Broadview Security joke. Hey, you think that hot blonde chick in one of these Broadview Security jokes is single? Cause I'd like to see if my girlfriend is interested in...nope, I'm being told my girlfriend is NOT interested. Forget I said anything. I love my girlfriend so much!!!!

7:51 p.m. – I also have Pierre Thomas starting as well. I bring this up because Mike Bell is lining up in the Saints’ backfield. Fuck my life. Maybe if I’m lucky, Pierre will be the closer and score the goal line touchdowns, eh?

7:52 p.m. – And I’ve got another fantasy team that depends on Reggie Bush tonight. Reggie gets a rushing yard. One. Un. Single.

7:54 p.m. – SHOCKMEISTER! (Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…)

7:55 p.m. – Brees will kill you every damn time with the play action pass. You give him five seconds or more back there and he’ll gut you like a fish.

7:56 p.m. – Check out the big balls on Reggie, lowering that shoulder to knock the defender over instead of running for the sideline. Kim must be holding out on him.

7:57 p.m. – Pierre Thomas makes me feel funny in my pants. (Did I just type that? What the fuck is wrong with me? NTTAWWT.) Note to Reggie: That’s how you dance around a defender.

8:05 p.m. – Note to Marvin Mitchell: Do not piss off Sean Payton with stupid penalties. Ask Curtis DeLoatch how that worked out for him. Will Smith bails out Marvin there a bit.

8:06 p.m. – Anthony Hargrove is sure to make Message Board Guy ask, “Sedrick who?”

8:08 p.m. – I told Ralph and Dave I would count the number of Matt Ryan Gillette razor commercials. Think I set the over-under at 5.5. I took the over.

8:11 p.m. – There’s another one of “those plays” that seem to be going to the Saints’ way this year.

8:12 p.m. – Jesus Christ, I think Drew Brees was just decapitated! Fuck the score, where’s Joey Styles when I need him? OH MY GOD!!!

8:14 p.m. – Fuck the Steelers. Needs to be said. And fuck their bandwagoning fans that have never even lived in the state of Pennsylvania, too.

8:16 p.m. – This Falcons team is young and flying around the field at the moment. You have to wonder if the Saints are maybe too excited about playing at home in primetime? I don’t know…

8:20 p.m. – Hey, Drew Brees has a Fathead! Granted, it’s a mini-Fathead, but it’s a start!

8:21 p.m. – Wait, Jon, I thought you said Shockey was a joker? He’s a beast now? Make up your mind, sir!

8:22 p.m. – Jeremy Shockey, Catwoman’s on line one. Two receptions, 40 yards. Good game for J-Shock thus far.

8:22 p.m. – Anyone think Gregg Williams is looking at Mike Smith and going, “This fucker’s stealing my thunder? Not gonna happen in this lifetime…”

8:28 p.m. – Marques Colston! From? Hofstra University!! Drafted in what round? SEVENTH!!!

8:33 p.m. – Frackin’ hell, Porter’s dinged up. Cool haircut, though.

8:39 p.m. – Saints fortunate to see that field goal hit the upright. Here’s hoping Hendu is giving the Falcons the business after that one.

8:43 p.m. – Who is Pierre Thomas, Mr. Gruden? You want to know? He’s my fantasy running back, sir! And he’s carving this Falcons defense up!

8:44 p.m. – Pierre just turned a four-yard loss into a one-yard loss. Reggie, take more notes.

8:46 p.m. – Gotta give Brent Grimes credit: helluva pick there. Looked nice. Now go catch crotch lice.

8:51 p.m. – Nine yard return by Reggie. That a new season high? And it’s wiped out by a holding call for 10 yards. Nice.

8:53 p.m. – Falcons made two mistakes. 1) They rolled out of bed today. 2) They left Drew Brees with 2 minutes, 46 seconds to operate in the half.

8:55 p.m. – Jon Gruden channels his inner-Rick Reilly with an obligatory, “Matty Ice, Cool Brees” joke. Jon, I want to like you in the booth, but you’re killing me here. Aren’t the Jaguars looking for a coach? What about the California Redwoods of the UFL? Can’t you get another job?

8:55 p.m. – Robert Meachem sighting. He’s still alive, folks, and remembers how to get open and catch passes.

8:58 p.m. – Yeah, they might not give this to Devery. Fuck.

9:00 p.m. – Hells yeah, people! Devery seems to have kissed that “Stone Hands” moniker good bye.

9:01 p.m. – Let Pierre run that fucker in, Payton! I need this!

9:01 p.m. – Dude, was Reggie sedated before this game? Did Kim break up with him? Fuck, he’s playing with some kind of enigmatic disposition. And I like it. He’s not afraid to get hit, he’s not jumping around to celebrate like a fool, he’s.

9:03 p.m. – “I have never sat in a meeting where I was more stimulated than I was at that time.” – Jon Gruden. Now you’re just fucking around with me, Mr. Gruden; admit it.

9:06 p.m. – Jabari Greer, please pick up the white courtesy phone!!! Touchdown, defense!! The Saints have already matched last year’s interception tally with 14 in seven games. That’s an average of two interceptions per game. And I fucking called a defensive touchdown in my picks on Canal Street Chronicles! Give me a cookie, Dave! And a big glass of milk in a frosty mug!

9:08 p.m. – Hey, what is the Saints’ record when they’re wearing the all-black uniforms?

9:10 p.m. – If I’m the Falcons, I run the ball up the middle and concede things this half. They’re not getting a first down in the air.

9:11 p.m. – Does Mike Smith know he can’t bring these two timeouts into the second half? They don’t rollover, dude.

9:12 p.m. – And of course the Falcons get the first down in the air. Forget what I said earlier.

9:14 p.m. – This is a bad stretch for referees lately. Fuck, NBA officials look gold right now. Wait, I was just whistled for traveling.

9:16 p.m. – Nice kick, Elam. You might wanna try golfing with a slice like that. (Rim shot.) Zing!

9:33 p.m. – Damn that halftime went by awfully fast. I blame Chris Berman.

9:34 p.m. – Puntermaster Flex with a 43-yarder to the Falcons. That’s Morstead’s first punt of the game.

9:36 p.m. – Sean Payton and Gregg Williams need to make these guys run laps for all these damn penalties. This will kill the Saints against elite opposition.

9:38 p.m. – Roddy White. Wow. That was a bomb. It’s not like Greer was toasted or anything, it’s just that Roddy White was just on point there. I’m officially back to being nervous again, a little light twitching. Anybody else? Maybe I’m having a heart attack.

9:42 p.m. – Just had my cousin text me, “You know you miss those Ronnie Lemarque commercials.” My response: “Uh, yeah…Riiiiight.” We got schlocky car salesmen up in St. Louis, too. New Orleans does not have a monopoly on that industry, I assure all of you.

9:44 p.m. – Jeremy Shockey, Talia Al Ghul’s on line one. Great first down reception there.

9:46 p.m. –Robert Meachem with a, uh, spectacular display of concentration on that catch? I’m using “spectacular” and “concentration” in the same sentence as “Robert Meachem” here.

9:47 p.m. – Is Jon Gruden wearing librarian glasses?

9:48 p.m. – Wondering if Hendu is laying into John Carney like we all know he can…

9:52 p.m. – Saints need another score to get some separation. I do NOT like being up by seven at the moment. That’s right, I’m all antsy. Deal with it.

10:07 p.m. – Another reason I don’t do live blogs: I tend to get sluggish in the second half of games and don’t have as many jokes at my disposal. It also doesn’t help when your team is locked in a tight contest against its hated division rival.

10:10 p.m. – Thanks for the “Falcons have never lost two in a row under Mike Smith” statistic, Mr. Gruden. Ass.

10:11 p.m. – I think the Saints are missing Ellis for sure. The Falcons keep gashing them up the middle.

10:11 p.m. – Thanks for trying to go around the corner, Falcons. Fools.

10:11 p.m. – First down, Falcons. Fuck sticks.

10:15 p.m. – Not a catch. Way to miss that shit with the ball bouncing right in front of you, ref. Pathetic. Dick Bavetta thinks that’s a lame fucking call.

10:18 p.m. – Needed that one. Thank God.

10:25 p.m. – Not liking this one damn bit. Pierre had been running well, so I can’t really complain about him getting the rock.

10:30 p.m. – Tracy Porter, you magnificent bastard!!! Jonathan Vilma, you wonderful man, you!

10:34 p.m. – That hit on Drew Brees after the throw only gets called if he’s named “Tom Brady.”

10:36 p.m. – Jeremy Shockey, Wonder Woman is on line one. Three ways and Jaeger bombs for everybody!!!

10:37 p.m. – This isn’t wrestling, douche bags, you can’t use a single-leg takedown on Colston without having to answer to one Reginald Bush. Fuck you, Falcons. More like “Fuck-lanta!” (Rim shot.)

10:42 p.m. – Pierre Thomas STILL makes me feel funny in my pants. Again, NTTAWWT.

10:48 p.m. – Don’t think that was a fumble.

10:51 p.m. – Can Stu Scott stay off my television? Thank God I can’t afford HD at home.

10:58 p.m. – Goddamn it, Gruden! We couldn’t go a whole game without you bringing up Hurricane Katrina? We get it. We’re all connected to the team through tragedy. The team can’t rebuild the city, so it rebuilds our hearts and souls, is that it? Thanks, Mr. Tampa Bay. Thanks for being the guy to put everything in perspective for us silly naves. And thanks for that final “I think they’re running the table” comment. Fuck you in the visor, asshat.

10:59 p.m. – And we lose Goodwin at center on a freak accident. Fan-fucking-tastic.

11:21 p.m. - Okay, I kind of blacked out for the final three minutes, but here is what I know: a) Mike Bell needs to keep both hands on the fucking ball, b) Mike Bell needs to keep both hands on the fucking ball, c) Darren Sharper sure knows when to make an entrance, d) Mike Bell needs to keep both hands on the fucking ball, and e) SAINTS ARE 7-0, BABY!!! Fuck the Falcons.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Today's "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" (Part 9)

Drew Brees was once invited to join the Justice League. Drew politely refused, but behind closed doors told his family he wouldn't join because, and I quote, "they'd just cramp my style."

Instead, Drew suggested the League invite a teammate with a ready-made super hero nickname: The Shockmeister!

Sadly, Jeremy Shockey was kicked out a month later after he:

A) Kept calling Martian Manhunter "Martin Ghey-Hunter."

B) Stiff-armed Hawkman into a two-day coma during a friendly game of touch football.

C) Suggested Black Canary go out on a date with his pal "Tommy," knowing the two were comically mismatched for one another.

D) Wouldn't stop asking Plastic Man if he qualified as a sex toy every time he slept with a woman.

E) Continued telling the same joke to Zatanna about "making his Shock Stick disappear...IN HER!!!"

F) Challenged Green Arrow to an accuracy contest: GA could use his archery skills while The Shockmeister demonstrated his arching urinary skills. Shockey then asked Green Arrow, "Uh, so you're like Batman, only NOT as cool?"

G) Lost Atom while vacuuming.

H) Convinced Green Lantern to put that power ring...uh, elsewhere on his body...

I) Borrowed a dollar from Flash for a soda and DIDN'T give him the change.

J) Pissed in Aquaman's (kelp) bed while in a drunken stupor.

K) Kept asking Blue Beetle, "What's your favorite color?"

L) Waited until Batman went to sleep, then stole the cape and cowl so he could sleep with Catwoman and Taila Al' Ghul.

M) Told Captain Marvel he thought Shaquille O'Neal nailed his personality in the movie "Shazaam!"

N) Talked Superman into investing in contact lenses.

O) Boinked Wonder Woman...while the two were riding in her invisible jet...over the Grand Canyon...while the President and First Family were visiting...with a UN delegation in attendance....on national television. Wonder Woman had to issue a public apology. J-Shock simply went to his Bucket List and crossed off a whole lot of things.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What. The. Fuck. Jim?

Okay, we all fucking love Jim Henderson. Hell, this mighty fine blog's named after his most famous radio call. But did you fucking READ his commentary following the Saints-Dolphins game? Did ya fucking READ IT!?!?

The voice of the goddamn Saints, a man whom I admire greatly, has done the unthinkable: he used two words that rhyme with "Schmuper Schmowl" at the conclusion of his commentary.

I can think of only three logical explanations here...

1. Jim, so overcome in the moment, lost his train of thought and decided to drink the Message Board Guy (copyright Grandmaster Wang) Kool-Aid and suddenly think the '09 Saints could beat the '85 Bears and the '00 Ravens COMBINED.

2. Jim is beginning to show the early signs of dementia.

3. His boss, a New Orleanian by birth who roots for the Pittsburgh "fucking" Steelers (cough**bandwagoner**cough), a man who pissed on Destiny's shoes during the magical 2006 season by helping to come up with the "Black and Gold to the Super Bowl" promos that ran on Channel 4 BEFORE THE FUCKING NFC TITLE GAME, asked him to put "Schmuper Schmowl" at the end of the commentary in a misguided attempt to throw some kind off jinx on the Saints.

Okay, I'm hoping (and betting) that it's Option A. But still...really, Jim? WTF, man? You've been around the block too many goddamn times for this, sir. This is...fuck, I don't even know what to call it. Maybe you got bored. Maybe you needed something else to say instead of a simple "let's enjoy the ride" because it's been said already, I don't know. What I do know is that you don't go up to a pitcher in the midst of a perfect game and tell him how amazing he's looking striking everybody out and remind him what's at stake.

Fuck's sake, Jim!!!!!