Thursday, October 21, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 6 -2010)

Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth. Want to know why I'm so late? Get to No. 1 on this list.

And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."

32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)

I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...

20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)

Uh, I likes 'em classy?

10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 5 - 2010)

Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth.

MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson

32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?

JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!

20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...

10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)

BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Brett Favre's junk!!!

Don't ask me how, but I've obtained these incredible pics of Brett Favre's junk and knew I just had to share them with you.

Let me be your one stop shop for photos of Brett Favre's junk!!!

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here. We. Go!!

Here's a pictures of Brett Favre's junk in the South China Seas:

And here's a picture of Brett Favre's junk at home in Kiln, Mississippi:

And here's where Brett Favre's junk can be found:

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

NFL Power Rankings (Week 4 - 2010)

Dave point out last week that I neglected to put any extras in my power rankings post last, particularly the lack of pics of hot women. Well, I'll bring some heat this time out.

32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)

20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)

10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)

Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.

Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fixing Garrett Hartley's swing

Scene: EXT. An empty sugarcane field in Southern Louisiana - NIGHT

Hartley is practicing field goal kicks in the middle of the night by lantern light. He shanks another "ugly duck" to the left.


Hartley grabs another football and sets it up in the holder. He backs up, finds his footing, charges forward and...shanks it yet again.

GARRETT: Christ on a crutch, come on!!

Hartley grabs another football and goes to set it up when he hears something up ahead in the darkness.

GARRETT: Hello? Hello?

Hartley grabs the lantern and holds it up to get a better look.

GARRETT: Hello???

Suddenly, a man in an old brown suit, carrying a sack of original pigskin footballs, emerges from the darkness, like a ghostly apparition.

BAGGAR: Why hello there, sir.

GARRETT: Are you crazy? Walking out there in front of me like that? You could've gotten a concussion if one of those balls hit you in the head!

BAGGAR: Two things. First, the way you been a shankapotomus lately, I figured approaching you direct like was my best course of action. And second, you ain't dropping bombs like Thomas Morstead. That boy can bomb those kicks. He's got the touch.

GARRETT: Gee, thanks, guy.

The black dude with the nice hat puts the bag down and extends his hand.

BAGGAR: Baggar Vance's my name.

Hartley shakes Baggar's hand.

GARRETT: Lemme guess: kicking footballs is your game?

Baggar tilts his head to the side and grins, real folksy like.

BAGGAR: You done lost your swing, sir.


BAGGAR: A man's grip on his club leg bone's like the grip on his world.

GARRETT: Wait, what?

BAGGAR: You suck something fierce lately, Mr. Hartley.

GARRETT: (exasperated sigh) I know. Do you mind, though?

Bagger steps back while Hartley lines up another kick. He approaches, kicks and...WIDE! The black man with the perfectly magical stubble tucks his hands in his pockets and smiles. Always smiling. Always.

BAGGAR: A suggestion, Mr. Hartley. You got lady problems? Are you boozing it up all the time? Did ya become discombobulated after personally witnessing the horrors of World War I?


BAGGAR: Well, sir, whenever I see a man with obvious athletic problems, it usually turns out to be lady issues...

GARRETT: Uh, no, Baggar. Ladies are not the problem. I was born only in 1986, so I'm not old enough to have been in World War I, and I only dine on "boat drinks" in the off-season. I just keep shanking these damn field goal kicks.

BAGGAR: Would it help if I stood out to the left, real quite like? And maybe whispered more folksy sayins that don't make sense at first but have an extraordinary connection with the human condition when you REALLY pay attention to 'em?


BAGGAR: Well, sir, I got a friend that might be better able to help...

Baggar puts his hand to his ear as Garrett hears several large steps coming his way.

GARRETT: Whoa...

COFFEY: Name's John Coffey, boss. Like the drink, only not spelt the same.

Garrett does the face palm and shakes his head.

GARRETT: God help me.

COFFEY: Dat's why I'm here, boss.

BAGGAR: We're here to help you, Mr. Hartley.

GARRETT: What are you doing, John Coffey?!?

Coffey puts his big hands on Garrett's kicking leg.

COFFEY: Trying to take the hurt outta there, boss.

GARRETT: Well, you're hurting me, John. So stop it, please.

Coffey lets go of Hartley's leg.

COFFEY: Usually I spit up bugs, boss. Weren't none in there this time.

GARRETT: I know. Cause my leg isn't infested with gnats, John Coffey! I'm just shanking field goals. I don't have a troubled groin or anything!

COFFEY: Do you need me to fix ya head?

Coffey goes to put his hands around Hartley's tiny head, but the kicker brushes them away.

GARRETT: Oh, get away from me! I don't need some magical help!!

BAGGAR: You need us to call Morgan Freeman?


BAGGAR: Danny Glover?


BAGGAR: Blair Underwood?


BAGGAR: Uh, (rubs chin) what's his name? Um, the guy who looks like Mr. Coffey here, but isn't?

GARRETT: Ving Rhames?

BAGGAR: Yeah, what about him?

GARRETT: No! I don't need help from people with magical powers. I make my own destiny.

COFFEY: Then who can help you, boss?

GARRETT: Good question. Well, I'm sure the good Lord will provide me with the proper help.


A nurse's assistant runs through the hallways, trying to find a particular room.

NURSE: John! John! John, where are you?!?

The nurse finds room 333 and walks in.

NURSE: Sir, the Saints need you to come back to New Orleans and take kicking duties while Garrett Hartley gets his mind right.

THE CARNEY: Huh? What's that, you say? Speak up!!!

NURSE: Oh fuck, our special teams are in trouble....