Return of the Shockmeister!

(Inside Saints HQ on Airline Highway.)



DREW: (on the phone) "Yeah, dear. I know it's aggravating. Well, just make something up. Tell Peter King I'm out riding with the Blue Angels or taping another Sports Science segment or something. Just say anything. Yeah. Thanks, babe. I love you, too. Bye."

(Hangs phone up.)

DREW: Now where's Coach Payton?

(Drew hears Motley Crue coming from the locker room.)

DREW: What the heck is that...?

(Drew walks in the locker room and finds Jeremy Shockey doing squats in the nude. He's only wearing his helmet -- backwards.)



SHOCKEY: (Making angry workout guy noises) Grrrrr, seven clits! Eight clits!! Nine clits!!! Ten clits!!!! Argh!! (Slams weights back on the rack and turns around.) What up, my Bro-mey!?

DREW: Son of a bitch, put some pants on, Jeremy!

SHOCKEY: Hey, dude, the Shockmeister likes to let the skin breathe when he's getting back into game shape! Besides, I gots to sweat out this Everclear, bro.

DREW: (Waving hand over face) God, is THAT what I'm smelling?



SHOCKEY: (Holds out index finger to Drew's face) Or is it THIS? Huh, you like that? Guess where I got that from?

DREW: I don't want to know. You're still getting hammered after what happened to you in Vegas?

SHOCKEY: Aw, come on, Drewster, I was dehydrated. Shit's, like, a hundred and fifty degrees outside in Vegas, dude!

DREW: Yeah, and it doesn't help when you're drinking like a damn fish out there, either!



SHOCKEY: Hey, don't be hating on the Shockmeister's ability to chase Jagerbombs and wine coolers with the best of 'em, Drew-nelious! Besides, I ain't here to talk about the past. Do you like that line? I'm gonna use it on the media later today. Nobody's EVER been clever enough to use that line before!

DREW: Uh...

SHOCKEY: And if they still push me on that, I'm gonna say, "Hey, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" I'm a fucking genius, right?!

DREW: Does Coach Payton know you like to eat paint chips with your protein shakes?

SHOCKEY: Why? That Valspar really helps take the edge off that whey taste, ya heard?

DREW: Good God, I'm surprised nobody's even made a fake Twitter account for you yet. You know that's been going around lately, huh? I can't imagine what kinda crazy shit they'd put on your fake account, goofball...

SHOCKEY: Aw, quit being such a old lady! You're just jealous cause you know if somebody made a fake Twitter account for you it'd say something like, "9:50 a.m. -- Went to dermatologist today. Again."

DREW: Listen to me, you bleach blonde bastard! I've gotta be up early tomorrow morning to hit 18 holes of golf for some Audubon Nature Institute benefit, then I promised Big Brothers I'd take a group of kids to see 'Land of the Lost,' and then I've gotta help paint walls at some refurbished high school, then it's off to the Army Corps headquarters to go over some design specs with those stupid fucks. And that's all before my appointment at Children's Hospital to donate bone marrow at 12:15, you fuckwad! I do not need your lazy, drunken antics slowing me down this off-season!

I was THIS FUCKING CLOSE to breaking the single season passing record last season and was supposed to count on you to help get me short yardage, but you blew that for me real nice last year, didn't you?!? Shit, a couple fucking passes for eight yards a pop would've done the fucking trick, and I managed to do it all while heaving the ball to Devery "stone hands" Henderson too, you drunken shithead! I am NOT gonna let you fuck me over again this year, boy-o! I got a small window to try and do something for this town before management inevitably fucks up and signs 41-year-old Brett Favre or some such stupid shit two years from now.

SHOCKEY: Relax, Brosef. E'rything's under control, yo!

(Coach Payton walks up.)



PAYTON: Gentlemen.

DREW: Hey, Coach.

SHOCKEY: What up, O Visor'd One?

PAYTON: Ah, not much. How many twats you doin' today, Jeremy?

SHOCKEY: I'm keeping the twats low and the clits high, Coach. Just trying to slowly acclimate myself back, ya heard?

PAYTON: Sure, sure, whatever works best for now.

DREW: Wait a sec. Twats? Clits? What the hell's going on?

PAYTON: Drew, that's what Jeremy calls "sets" and "reps." You had to have heard him counting it out, didn't you?

DREW: (puts hand on forehead) You gotta be kidding me...

PAYTON: Nope. (Grabs playbook) Oh, I wanted you to go over these new plays tonight. (Hands sheets to Drew)

DREW: Sure thing. When'd you come up with these?

PAYTON: Oh, it wasn't me. My son came up with a slew of plays for us last night on his XBox 360. He's like a 'XBox Kid' or something, huh?

SHOCKEY: Oh, that's fucking funny, Coach!!!

PAYTON: Anyways, I gotta get back to the film room. See you guys later. (Coach Payton exits, stage left.)

SHOCKEY: (Wrapping up in a towel) Hey, wanna hang out later? Bang some broads?

DREW: Ah, no...I'll pass.

SHOCKEY: Suit yourself. (Shockey walks off to the showers, singing Linkin Park to himself.)

DREW: Jesus tap-dancing Christ, can this day possibly get any worse?



TOMMY: Hey Drew! Wanna come over after practice and meet my cats? I trained them to mew in unison two days ago. It's soooo cute!

DREW: Ah, fuck me...

(Ed. note: These little vignettes are inspired by the guys at KSK. Just wanted to make sure I'm covering my bases.)

In for the long haul!

Seems I can look forward to making more trips back home for many falls and winters to come, as the Saints and the state are ready to announce a deal keeping the team in the Superdome through 2025. This not only thrills the fans, who were growing tired with the, "they're going to leave you in two years" talk, but must also make local businesses rejoice, as New Orleans is now back on the map to host another Super Bowl. Millions of tourism dollars in the coffers; job well done.

And whether you think Gov. Jindal looks like Kenneth the Page or not, the man deserves a lot of credit for untangling a large mess first created by Gov. Mike Foster and further exacerbated by Gov. Kathleen Blanco.

And let's not forget the other party in this: Tom Benson. In less than four years, he's gone from being the most hated person in the state of Louisiana (and that's saying A LOT), to, well he's not totally beloved, but at least the fans aren't booing him and making him fear for his safety following games, right? I mean, that's a step up for us! Last year during one of our shows on 'Forecast Radio,' I told Ralph I believed a deal would be done if for no other reason than for Benson to secure his legacy in the city and state that have made him a very wealthy man.

Something kept telling me that Benson, who's getting up there in age, would not want to go out and be remembered as the guy who tried, and then successfully, moved the team out of the region after Hurricane Katrina. Maybe his wife and daughter have softened him up behind the scenes, who knows? What IS fact, however, is that Benson deserves his share of credit for keeping the team in town for another fifteen years.

Now, the real pressing question is: how many Super Bowls can we win in that time, huh? Three? Nine? Twelve? I'll settle for one. Nah, maybe two; just two.

"Oh, you didn't know...?" Part 2

Here are the Saints' last two picks in the draft, complete with five factoids about each player that might surprise you:



Stanley Arnoux, ILB, Wake Forest

-Only watches "The Jimmy Fallon Show" in the hopes of seeing The Roots 'Slow Jam the News'.
-Uses the metric system. Religiously. (In the huddle: "Okay guys, it's third and a little over 82 centimeters! We can stop these guys!!" Players stare blankly. "Okay, fine. It's third and less than a yard. Assholes.")
-Believes George Washington not only invented cocaine, but was "six foot twenty, fucking killing for fun."
-Was once part of a bar brawl off campus. He didn't throw a single punch, but killed a guy with a merely a steely-eyed gaze.
-Wishes Chip Vaughn would take him to shop at Men's Warehouse.

And the final guy the Saints have selected in the 2009 NFL Draft...(handed note)...uh, you're fucking kidding me, right? WHAT?!? A fucking punter?!? In the FIFTH ROUND?!? Did these fuckos in the front office learn nothing from last year??? Fuck! (Regains composure.) Oh well. Okay. I'm cool. Let's do this.



Thomas Morstead, P, Southern Methodist University

-Used to shop at Hot Topic while in junior high school.
-Lauds the career of one Billy Zabka.
-Has 'Stuff White People Like' as his personal home page.
-His first Facebook status update read, "Working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!"
-Despite attending SMU, is, in fact, a Unitarian.

"Oh, you didn't know...?"

Rather than call it, 'Better Know a Draft Prospect,' or something similar, I went with the old WWF reference. Think I made the right call...

Anywho, here's who the Saints have with their two selections, along with five things you probably did not already know about them:



Malcolm Jenkins, Cornerback, Ohio State

-Likes to sing 'Down with the Sickness' at karaoke night.
-Favorite 'SNL' alum? Oddly enough, a toss-up between Melanie Hutsell and Victoria Jackson.
-Once killed a man in a knife fight. Slit the poor bastard from "neck to nuts." Was inspired to do so by endlessly watching "City Slickers" last summer. Although, he absolutely loathes "City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold."
-Wanted to join the tea party protests a couple weeks back, until he learned that his preconceived notion of "tea bagging" was WAY different than theirs.
-Joined a midnight dodgeball league back at OSU, where he set a record for 'most induced nosebleeds'.



Chip Vaughn, Safety, Wake Forest

-Would be more than happy to give you directions, even if he's not entirely sure how to get there.
-Can't decide whether to write fan fiction based on either the novel 'World War Z' or the television series 'Eureka.'
-Favorite word: 'apoplectic' (for reasons unknown)
-Spends his off-days at Men's Warehouse.
-The critic who said one of Vaughn's weaknesses was, "Surrounded by a great deal of talent at Wake Forest," failed to realize that THIS was the talent:

And the Saints are interested in...

According to the 'Guy Who Knows A Guy,' the Saints are interested in the following players, either via the draft or free agency:

QB - Drew WIlly, U of Buffalo

RB - Wells, Moreno, Greene (Iowa), Jennings (Liberty), Brown (NC ST), and Fenroy (ULL)

WR - Nick Moore (Toledo), Eron Riley (Duke), Dudley Guice (NW St), and Jason Chery (ULL)

P - Kevin HUber (U of Cincy)

K - Merf Trout (Graceland U)

C - Rob Bruggemann (Iowa)

OG - Roger Allen (Mizzou Western), Andy Levitre (Oregon St)

DT - Jarron Gilbert (San Jose St.), Senderick Marks (Auburn), Fili Moala (USC), BJ Raji and Ron Brace (BC), Peria Jerry (Ole Miss), Trevor Jenkins (Middle Tenn), John Gill (N'western), King (Iowa), Scott (Clemson).

S - Louis Delmas (W Mich), Johnson (Bama), Mitchell (Ohio U), Hamlin (Clemson), Vaugh (Wake)

CB - Francies (San Jose St), Fletcher (Iowa), Davis (Illinois), Jenkins (OSU), Washington (OSU), Alphonso Smith (Wake), Butler (UConn)

DE - English (No. Ill), Everette Pedesclaux (No. Iowa), Lawrence Sidbury (Richmond), Tyson jackson (LSU), Desmond Bryant (Harvard)

LB - Matthews, Maulauga, Cushing (USC), Gerald McRath (USM), Laurinaitis (OSU), Felder and Follett (Cal), Russell Allen (San Diego St), DeAndre Levy (Wisc.), Jonathan Casillas (Wisc.), Tyrone McKenzie (South Fla), Stanley Arnoux (Wake)

We now return to our regularly scheduled program...

I last posted on about 10 weeks ago. Not that you care, but that feels like half a lifetime. I've enjoyed the time off -- lots of reading, pretending like I'm really gonna get cracking on that novel, etc. But I digress.

For your listening pleasure:



With the draft coming up tomorrow, I just wanted to commit my opinion to the ether. Are you ready for it? Are you sure? Huh? I'll bet you been waiting a long, looong time for this, haven't you? Yeah, you been wanting it, I know. Begging for it, I bet, hmm?

Ah, fuck it, here goes: TRADE. THE. FUCK. DOWN.

The team has just four picks (a first rounder, two fourths and a seventh, if I remember my Jeff Duncan updates correctly, meaning the franchise has little room for error here. Even though the front office has been quite adroit at acquiring quality from the fifth round and on (e.g. Marques Colston, Zach Strief and Carl Nicks), we need as many bodies as possible to fill defensive gaps.

So let me go on record as saying that if the Saints don't trade that pick away and opt to select Beanie Wells or some other offensive weapon we don't need this early, I am going to go to my pantry, grab a paper bag, take it into the bathroom, shit in it, staple it shut, go down to the FedEx store and put it in one of their overnight shipments, and mail it to Saints HQ on Airline Highway.

I don't care what Mel Kiper, Todd McShay, or even my beloved compadre the 'Ralpha Dog' thinks about this -- I cannot be shaken from my position that drafting a running back in the first round would be a waste.

The Saints already had the best offense in the league. Obviously there's nowhere else to go but down. No, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but if Drew Brees remains upright and the receivers can catch the ball, this offense will not slip by much. Adding another high-priced running back, albeit one with a foot injury on the docket, to the fold does not shore up the team's ability to successfully operate the Cover 2 or whatever the fuck scheme Gregg Williams is going to install for the defense.

This team has serious needs on defense: corner, safety, linebacker and run blocker (in no particular order). I'm crazy to think the Saints will use all their picks on defense. I just want this year's draft to focus on the defensive side of the ball.

However, I do agree with Ralph on one big thing: why would you take Malcolm Jenkins as a safety if he's supposed to be a corner, but isn't good enough to play that position? Another reason why the team should try and trade down.

With that said, here are my draft notes from my 'Guy Who Knows A Guy':

1. The Saints are high on Ole Miss defensive tackle Peria Jerry. However, it seems that the discussion keeps falling back between taking either Jenkins, Beanie Wells and Knowshawn Moreno. (Ed. note - TRADE THE FUCK DOWN!)

2. The Saints have scouted so many linebackers recently, they believe there is enough depth at the position and can afford to take one in the later rounds.

3. Team likes QB Drew Willy out of the University of Buffalo. They're hoping he goes to the free agent market. If he's still available in round six and they think somebody might take him, Sean Payton may get on the phone.

4. Payton, GM Mickey Loomis, DC Gregg Williams and the director of college scouting Rick Reiprish are examining ways to get an extra pick or two for the weekend. (Ed. note - THANK CHRIST!)

5. Rumor floating around that Jammal Brown could be on the "under the radar trade market." Also, other teams have asked about Darren Sharper, Charles Grant and Devery Henderson for possible draft weekend trades.

Umm, Tyson we still love you...you know that right?

I guess George Shinn is pissed off now...looks like he'll have to pay the luxury tax after all. Tyson Chandler failed his physical. Maybe his ankle is fucked up like my credit and the Hornets were hoping the Thunder Doctors were more like Dr Dre and less like actual doctors....

Rest easy my friends now the Hornets can lose in the first round of the playoffs with him instead of without him.

Would it kill Hendu to say, "He stole my stapler?"

That headline probably comes off like I dislike Jim Henderson on the radio. Hardly. Still, if he could work in a couple pop culture references like this guy then that would be AWESOME.

Well, THAT happened...

I have only one thing to say: fuck my old boss and his Steelers bandwagoneer fandom!! I hope the fat, bloated fuck gets diabetes and has to have one foot sawed off, so that way every time he walks he'll always be limping and going off in a diagonal pattern instead of a straight line. Fuck him, fuck Ben Roethlisberger, fuck Hines Ward, fuck Santonio Holmes, fuck everybody living in the Three Rivers area, fuck all y'all!!!

/ Mr. Held Over'd

God Bless.

/ Warner'd

Ralph depresses the shit out of Saints fans.

Ralph Malbrough at WWLTV.com says the Saints are done spending any more money this off-season after signing new DC Gregg Williams. So don't expect any bad ass free agents to come to the Big Easy. Thanks, Ralph; I think I'll punch my own cock while I'm at it...

NFC/AFC Championship Predictions

Sorry for the lack of posts (this is what happens when your girlfriend moves in with you) but I wanted to get my AFC and NFC Championship picks on record. I'm currently 0-8 in the playoffs, but you don't hear me really bitching about it, like SOME people (I'm looking at you, Billy Ba-roo!).

Here are the picks:

Cardinals 24, Eagles 17
Ravens 13, Steelers 10

Saints hire seemingly competent defensive coordinator...

...AND the Rams have told Jim Haslett "Thanks, but not thanks?"

Damn, this is turning out to be a great day!