Sunday, July 29, 2012


Grandmaster Wang issued a call today regarding the ever watchful eye of Coach Payton.  To quote Bill the Butcher: "Challenge accepted."

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Driving Mr. King

This came in my inbox today, courtesy of Ralph:

Dave, you or somebody at CSC needs to contact peter king at IMMEDIATELY  and volunteer to drive him around NOLA on Friday. He's looking for a college student. If I was in town I'd make up a fake resume and send it. Get Travis or hell take a personal day friday and DO THIS yourself. Good pub for CSC for sure and PETER KING STORIES!

Peter why do you love coffee so much?
Do you want to murder Drew Magary?

Oh the questions!

Yeah, I know I'm 600 miles away and not really capable of being the chauffeur Mr. King wants.  But I'm the chauffeur Mr. King needs.  (#seewhatididthere)

With that in my mind, I fired off a list of questions for Dave or Win Ellington to ask Mr. King as they're driving him to and from the local Starbuck (plural of Starbucks) and GO TO MORNING CALL AND TELL THE WORLD HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!

Here are the questions:

Peter, do you think high speed rail will save the American economy?

On the subject, have you ever traveled on the Orient Express?

You three favorite dog breeds.  GO!

Mr. King, would you like to see this video of my son turning over on his own? (Note: Only works if Dave's asking.)

Mr. King, can I interest you in a monogrammed Tulane letterman jacket?  (Again, also only works if Dave's asking.)

Mr. King, don't you think it'd be criminal if Tulane can't get an uptown stadium built for the football team?  (See above)

Peter, why do you write your pieces like Norm MacDonald's Larry King impression crossed with a 24-year-old GED applicant?

Drew Brees: manliest man who ever manned, OR just a super awesome quarterback who STILL can't get a fair shake.  Which is it?

Which French Quarter titty bar do you prefer?

Have you ever checked out of a hotel because they didn't offer a coffee maker in the room?  Or if the available coffee wasn't up to your standards?

What do you know about Craig James killing those five hookers in Texas back in the day?

Monday Night Raw just hit a thousand episodes.  When SNF reaches a thousand episodes, will they wheel out Bob Costas' head to give condescending essays at halftime about how nanotechnology isn't all THAT good?

Best town that represents small town America: O'Fallon, Missouri; Alton, Illinois; Danville, Kentucky; Sante Fe, New Mexico; or Metairie, LA?

After leaving New Orleans, how long will you be staying in Kiln, Mississippi?

Is Brett a good cook?  Follow-up query: does he surprise you with breakfast in bed?

Will your piece on the Saints include the phrase, "Swagger. New Orleans has it"?  If not, GTFO of my car.  I don't care if we're on the I-10 or not.  GTFO.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Drew Brees is the one who knocks...

Photoshop breakdown:

I took a color headshot of Drew Brees and laid it over this Breaking Bad promotional picture of Walter White.  I blended the 2 pictures together.  Walter's glasses, goatee, ears and some of his "hate lines" are still present.  Drew's eyes, nose, hair, mouth and cheek structure is substituted in.

Obviously, the two images didn't line up perfectly, so I had to stretch Drew's face a bit to make it work.

I've done three versions of this and I think this is the best I'm getting.  The first looked too much like Walter White.  The second almost looked like I drew lines around Brees' face to represent the glasses and the goatee.

I look forward to seeing somebody use this as inspiration for meshing Saints players with the cast of 'The Wire' or something.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Favorite Pearl Jam lyrics

After getting "Adarn'd" the other week regarding the suspensions, I realized I needed to take a step back and get away from thinking/talking/writing/Photoshopping Saints related material.  So again we're tapping the well of "Kevin is a huge nerd with opinions on the most random shit."

Last time out, I wrote about my 32 favorite comic book movies.  This time out, I thought I'd go music instead of movies.  And instead of listing my favorite bands or albums, I thought I'd up the degree of difficulty for myself and get really specific: favorite Pearl Jam lyrics.

"Oh, but Pearl Jam SUCKS, Kevin!" you may be thinking.  To which I would casually respond, "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!!!"  Or something like that.  I love Pearl Jam.  There.  I said it.

"Oh, but Pearl Jam hasn't had a good album since 'Versus', man!"  Uh-huh.  I suppose you also think the E! Channel and Hot Topic are the great purveyors of modern culture.  Where's that "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" meme when I need one?

I tried to pare down some of the lyrics so I wasn't posting entire stanzas of work.  Cause that'd be kinda chickenshit, wouldn't it?  Oh yeah, here's my favorite lyrics, but I'm copping out and using whole paragraphs.  BS.  If I'm posting more than a couple lines, it's because all the lines tie in together via a rhyme or some theme that I feel has to be repeated in order for you, dear reader, to fully grasp its awesomeness.

And by the way, I'm not going to Matt Pinfield this thing up by breaking down just what I think each and every lyric means.  That's like listening to a self-righteous art critic tell you about every painting in the museum and then explaining what (he/she THINKS) the meaning is for every work.

You're getting the lyric, song and album, and maybe if you're really good I'll toss in a YouTube video or five.

"Oh, dear Dad
Can you see me now?
I am myself
Like you, somehow"

"I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down."


"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine"

WASH (Lost Dogs collection)
"Oh please let it rain today.
This city is so filthy, like my mind in ways."

NOT FOR YOU (Vitalogy)
"All that's sacred, comes from youth
Dedication, naive and true."

CORDUROY (Vitalogy)
"Everything has changed, absolutely nothing has changed
Take my hand, not picture, spill my tincture."

I AM MINE (Riot Act)
"I know I was born and I know that I'll die
The in between is mine
I am mine."

BETTER MAN (Vitalogy)
"She dreams in color, she dreams in red."

"I changed by not changing at all."

LIFE WASTED (Pearl Jam [the avocado album])
"I escaped it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again."

"Stop light, plays its part
So I would say you've got a part
What's your part? Who you are"

"Are you woman enough to be my man?
Bandaged hand in hand"

"I'm at peace with my lust
I can kill cause In God I Trust
It's evolution, baby."

"I'm like an opening band for the sun."

I could probably keep going and post 40 more of these, but I'm tired.  And it's Sunday.  So there.

A teammate's last second plea to Drew Brees...

SCENE: Cafe Du Monde - DAY

(Dozens of people are seated in the Cafe, stuffing their faces with inferior beignets and coffee.  Those that aren't are staring toward a back corner, where Drew Brees is talking with his agent.)

BREES: I feel weird being out in public like this.  I mean, we're a week away from the deadline.

AGENT: Yeah...

BREES: It's like they're undressing me with their eyes or something.

AGENT: Uh-huh, dreadful thing, that.

BREES: Arliss, are you even paying attention to me???

ARLISS: Why sure, my good boy!  I was just admiring a spider that was crawling along the floor over there.  To have THAT many legs is a sure sign of evolutionary superiority!

BREES: Uh, yeah, whatever.  Why do we have to be out here?

ARLISS: My boy, have you not forgotten or potential Jimmy John's deal?  If we play our cards right and can make ourselves visible in the French Quarter, we'll get a sandwich kiosk near Jackson Square.  Ha!  We'll even hire a temperamental fat bearded guy who looks like that schlub from that book everyone around here adores!!!

BREES: You mean 'Confederacy of Dunces'?

ARLISS (slams fist on table): Exactly!  It'll be a hoot!!  These saps will eat that right up, on top of our delicious Jimmy John's sandwiches, of course.  We run the kiosk for a few months, then we goto the city council again and talk about getting a permanent location in the French Quarter!!

BREES: I wish we'd gone to Morning Call, honestly.  And...Shouldn't we at least wait to talk expansion until after our first Jimmy John's opens and is proven successful?  Seems kinda ridiculous to start making future plans when we haven't done anything yet.

ARLISS: Nonsense, my boy!  We must strike whilst the iron is hot!  That's your problem, Drew.  Always waiting to attend to your deals.

BREES: What do you mean?

ARLISS: We could've had this Saints contract business taken care of last year, but no, you didn't want to be aggressive enough in getting one done.  I could've kept pushing them during the season, but you were all, "let's not cause a distraction."  And you thought, "surely, they'll have to give me a great deal!  I won a Super Bowl here and just broke one of the few NFL records people actually give a damn about, so they'll HAVE to reward me."  How's that working out for you?

BREES: Isn't this what I hired you for?

ARLISS: Of course!  And you also hired me to protect the Brees Brand!

BREES: My "brand"?

ARLISS: Absolutely.  I'm going to single-handedly take care of all your needs with this contract.  That's why it's taking so long.

BREES: Yeah, but do we really have to take this to the 11th hour?  The arbitrator ruled in my favor, so we should just get a deal done.  The fans need some really good news to offset everything this offseason...

(Arliss reaches under the table and pulls out a plush.)

ARLISS: Do you see this grave injustice!

BREES: It's a stuffed toy of me.

ARLISS: You?  That's supposed to be you???  How do you expect to be taken seriously and respected when these toy makers can't even get a good likeness of you???

BREES: It's really not that back of a deal, Arliss.  I just want to play football.

ARLISS: See, this is what I'm talking about.  I had to pull you into the sandwich business and now I'm going to have to pull you into the personal branding business.  This is where the big bucks are!

BREES: What's this got to do with my football contract?

ARLISS: We get these toys to actually look like you.  Listen, I know a guy who used to make the old WWF Wrestling Buddies...

BREES: At least they got the birthmark right, Arliss.


BREES: And why are we asking for so much money on this contract?  Isn't $100 million over 4 years a little much?

ARLISS: Nonsense.  Do you think my wheelchair will grow mechanical legs on its own?  No, those cost a lot of money.

(A football crashes on the table, sending the coffee and poorly made beignets up into the air and on the floor.)

ARLISS: What the what???


(Morstead walks over to the table and sets down between Arliss and Brees.)

ARLISS: What is the meaning of this?!?

MORSTEAD: Oh, you hush, you.  Drew, you gotta get this contract thing taken care of!  I came all the way back from vacation home in Kathmandu to plead with you!

BREES: We're working on that, Thomas.  There's a lot of negotiating that has to be handled, certain qualifiers have to be met...

MORSTEAD: Fiddlesticks, Drew!  Fiddlesticks, I say!!  Don't you love it here???  Aren't the fans good to you?

BREES: Well, yeah...

MORSTEAD: And won't they elect you mayor someday down the road?

BREES: Well, sure, but...

MORSTEAD: So sign the deal and stay with us.

ARLISS: Do you have ANY idea what this man is worth on the open market, punter boy?

BREES: Open market?

ARLISS: Sure!  If the Saints don't acquiesce to ALL our demands, you'll sit out for the year and we'll find you another team.

BREES: But I don't want to play for another team.

ARLISS: The Dallas Cowboys would pay you a lot of money...

(Morstead digs into his pocket and pulls out a roll of hundred dollar bills.)


BREES: What's this?

MORSTEAD: My cats got together and raised some cash for you to show how much they care.

BREES: Wait.  Your "cats" got the money?  Or did your CATS get the money?

MORSTEAD: My cats, Drew.  Duh.

BREES: Oooookay.

ARLISS: Drew, send this man away!  We need to draft a statement explaining why you're sitting out for the year...

BREES: No!  Fuck the Dallas Cowboys, fuck Jerry Jones, and fuck you, Mr. Arliss!  I'll get this deal done myself!

(Morstead shoves Arliss' wheelchair into the path of an oncoming horse-drawn carriage.)

MORSTEAD: Way to go, Drew!  C'mon, I'll take you to Morning Call.

BREES: Huzzah!


MORSTEAD: Well, that was a close one.  Mr. Drew got on the phone with Mr. Benson and they hashed out a nice contract.

Aren't you glad daddy was able to help, Mew Brees?

MEW: Meow.