Yeah, so one Skittle-riffic game was already played, whatever... It's not like the Seahawks or Eagles were moving THAT much. As always, I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
In honor of the new Muppets movie, I'm tossing out some Muppet bits for this edition of the Rankings. Sorry, Facts and Chicks blog, maybe next time...
Mahna Mahna, folks.
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-11)
31. St. Louis Rams (2-9): Steve Spagnuolo is not to blame for this team sucking as much as it has. Injuries and a slew of holes across the roster are to blame. That and their receivers are a bunch of #nocatchingmotherfuckers
30. Minnesota Vikings (2-9)
29. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7): And to think, Jaguar fans, you guys could have had Tebow... #wanking
27. Kansas City Chiefs (4-7)
26. Miami Dolphins (3-8)
25. San Diego Chargers (4-7)
24. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7): Well, their season sure went tits up in a hurry...
23. Washington Redskins (4-7)
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneeers (4-7)
21. Carolina Panthers (3-8)
Here's the one sad thing about the new Muppets movie: Statler and Waldorf are barely in it, but they've been getting watered down for years to begin with. Take a look at the above video. They're trading barbs with MILTON BERLE, for fuck's sake! These guys were biting, sarcastic and clever.
20. Arizona Cardinals (4-7)
19. Seattle Seahawks (4-7): Marshawn Lynch's favorite beer: Skittlebrau
18. Buffalo Bills (5-6)
17. New York Jets (6-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-5): Hope everybody on the set of First Take carries a poncho to work if Tebow makes the playoffs. Skip Bayless will spooge like the scene in Scary Movie 2.
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Oakland Raiders (7-4)
13. Tennessee Titans (6-5)
12. Chicago Bears (7-4)
11. Atlanta Falcons (7-4)
Sam the Eagle, FTW. No, seriously, I think he'd win the GOP nomination at this point. And he'd probably beat Pres. Obama. I would look forward to an "the Eagle/ Fozzy Bear" administration. Fozzy's not qualified, you say? He's cuddlier than Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, that's for damn sure...
10. Detroit Lions (7-4): Enjoy this visit in the Top 10, fellas, cause you may be off it next week.
9. Houston Texans (8-3): Since they're on their backup to the backup and have signed Jake Delhomme to be THAT guy's backup... (checks watch.) Yep, the Texans collapse is right on schedule.
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-4): Still relevant this season, folks. Bully for them.
7. New England Patriots (8-3): God, I hate the Patriots...
6. Dallas Cowboys (7-4): But not as much as I hate the Cowboys...
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3): And nowhere NEAR as much as I hate the Steelers!
4. San Francisco 49ers (9-2): Still the number 2 seed with five games to go. They play the Rams twice, the Cardinals and Seahawks, and the Steelers. Any chance they lose at least two of those games?
3. Baltimore Ravens (8-3): Which looks more ridiculous on Joe Flacco: eyebrows or facial hair? Ugly jokes, folks. That's why you've come here.
2. New Orleans Saints (8-3): If I were Tom Condon...first thing I'd do after Breesus signs his new contract is I'd go down to Walmart, buy every copy of every Madea movie on DVD and Bluray, bring them home and take up skeet shooting.
1. Green Bay Packers (11-0): I am yet to feel any animosity toward Aaron Rodgers. I ought to at least not like the guy for this season, but nope; dude's alright in my book. But anywho...fuck Brett Favre as always...
Showing posts with label power rankings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label power rankings. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
NFL Power Rankings (Week 9 - 2011)
I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-9)
31. St. Louis Rams (1-7)
30. Arizona Cardinals (2-6)
29. Miami Dolphins (1-7): Reg-gie...Reg-gie?
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-6)
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)
26. Cleveland Browns (3-5): Somebody add "Peyton Hillis" to the "Madden Curse" Wikipedia page!
25. Washington Redskins (3-6): Can we combine Rex Grossman and John Beck to form "Rex Beck"? It's not as cool as "Max Power," but it'll do...
24. Carolina Panthers (2-6)
23. Minnesota Vikings (2-6): Ponder will be a good quarterback for this team in a couple years. As long as AP stays healthy.
22. Denver Broncos (3-5): It's Jesus Boy, jump for joy!
21. San Diego Chargers (4-4): Phillip Rivers has morphed into Aaron Brooks or something...
This game trailer is 13 kinds of amazing. And for the record, my wife is terrified by having to look at skinny Jonah Hill. Oddly enough, she sat through an entire episode of "Allen Gregory," so I don't know what to tell you people.
20. Oakland Raiders (4-4): Look, I think if they play Denver on a neutral field, they'd win. Simple as that.
19. Tennessee Titans (4-4)
18. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4)
17. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5): Not out of the playoff race just yet. But they're getting there...
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4): This team looks ready to implode. They're arguing on the field and on the sideline. Never a good sign. Keep that shit to the locker room. That or just settle it with a pillow fight.
(NOTE: Honestly, I could see every team above this spot making the playoffs in fine style. Nearly half the league. How's THAT for parity?)
15. Dallas Cowboys (4-4)
14. Chicago Bears (5-3): Protect Cutler, good things happen.
13. New England Patriots (5-3)
12. Houston Texans (6-3): Who from the Patriots D is going to stop Foster and Tate, Attorneys-at-Law?
11. Buffalo Bills (5-3)
Never mind how awesome that was ... I want that fucking hoodie! Actually, I should really go all out for one Halloween and dress up as Ezio Auditore. Spend money and everything! (Checks bank account.) Oh. Nevermind. (Kicks rock.)
10. New York Jets (5-3): The AFC East is what we'd like to call "IN FLUX."
9. Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3): Hope my old boss drowned in a pool of his own tears Sunday night. I'm sorry, was the microphone on?
7. Detroit Lions (6-2)
6. New York Giants (6-2)
5. New Orleans Saints (6-3): Real good home team. Shaky road team. Yeah, they'll be a fun bet for the postseason...
4. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2): This is still not a mirage...
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-2): Sweep the Steelers? You're all right in my book. I wipe my taint with the 'Terrible Towel'. There, I said it.
2. San Francisco 49ers (7-1): The two-seed in the NFC is theirs to lose. I have them ahead of the Ravens because their D is actually better. And dare I say it...Alex Smith has looked more consistent this year than Joe Flacco.
1. Green Bay Packers (8-0)
"Like a shotgun, needs an outcome / I'm your prostitute / You gonna get some"
Wise words. Wise woman.
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-9)
31. St. Louis Rams (1-7)
30. Arizona Cardinals (2-6)
29. Miami Dolphins (1-7): Reg-gie...Reg-gie?
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-6)
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)
26. Cleveland Browns (3-5): Somebody add "Peyton Hillis" to the "Madden Curse" Wikipedia page!
25. Washington Redskins (3-6): Can we combine Rex Grossman and John Beck to form "Rex Beck"? It's not as cool as "Max Power," but it'll do...
24. Carolina Panthers (2-6)
23. Minnesota Vikings (2-6): Ponder will be a good quarterback for this team in a couple years. As long as AP stays healthy.
22. Denver Broncos (3-5): It's Jesus Boy, jump for joy!
21. San Diego Chargers (4-4): Phillip Rivers has morphed into Aaron Brooks or something...
This game trailer is 13 kinds of amazing. And for the record, my wife is terrified by having to look at skinny Jonah Hill. Oddly enough, she sat through an entire episode of "Allen Gregory," so I don't know what to tell you people.
20. Oakland Raiders (4-4): Look, I think if they play Denver on a neutral field, they'd win. Simple as that.
19. Tennessee Titans (4-4)
18. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4)
17. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5): Not out of the playoff race just yet. But they're getting there...
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4): This team looks ready to implode. They're arguing on the field and on the sideline. Never a good sign. Keep that shit to the locker room. That or just settle it with a pillow fight.
(NOTE: Honestly, I could see every team above this spot making the playoffs in fine style. Nearly half the league. How's THAT for parity?)
15. Dallas Cowboys (4-4)
14. Chicago Bears (5-3): Protect Cutler, good things happen.
13. New England Patriots (5-3)
12. Houston Texans (6-3): Who from the Patriots D is going to stop Foster and Tate, Attorneys-at-Law?
11. Buffalo Bills (5-3)
Never mind how awesome that was ... I want that fucking hoodie! Actually, I should really go all out for one Halloween and dress up as Ezio Auditore. Spend money and everything! (Checks bank account.) Oh. Nevermind. (Kicks rock.)
10. New York Jets (5-3): The AFC East is what we'd like to call "IN FLUX."
9. Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3): Hope my old boss drowned in a pool of his own tears Sunday night. I'm sorry, was the microphone on?
7. Detroit Lions (6-2)
6. New York Giants (6-2)
5. New Orleans Saints (6-3): Real good home team. Shaky road team. Yeah, they'll be a fun bet for the postseason...
4. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2): This is still not a mirage...
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-2): Sweep the Steelers? You're all right in my book. I wipe my taint with the 'Terrible Towel'. There, I said it.
2. San Francisco 49ers (7-1): The two-seed in the NFC is theirs to lose. I have them ahead of the Ravens because their D is actually better. And dare I say it...Alex Smith has looked more consistent this year than Joe Flacco.
1. Green Bay Packers (8-0)
"Like a shotgun, needs an outcome / I'm your prostitute / You gonna get some"
Wise words. Wise woman.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
NFL Power Rankings (Week 7 - 2011)
I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-7) - Jim Caldwell had on his best Kathleen Blanco face on the sideline Sunday night.
31. St. Louis Rams (0-6) -
30. Miami Dolphins (0-6) - Dolphins done got Tebowned on Sunday. Lord be praised!
29. Arizona Cardinals (1-5)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5)
27. Denver Broncos (2-4)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
25. Minnesota Vikings (1-6) - Ponder looked good in the loss. Meanwhile, McNabb's mom dined on free soup for 3,008th straight day.
24. Cleveland Browns (3-3)
23. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3)
22. Washington Redskins (3-3)
21. Carolina Panthers (2-5)
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS TIME!
20. Philadelphia Eagles (2-4)
19. Tennessee Titans (3-3)
18. Dallas Cowboys (3-3)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3)
16. Oakland Raiders (4-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-3)
14. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
13. New York Jets (4-3)
12. Houston Texans (4-3)
11. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
KATE UPTON ALERT!
10. Detroit Lions (5-2)
9. San Diego Chargers (4-2)
8. Buffalo Bills (4-2)
7. New York Giants (4-2)
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) - Here's your "WTF?!?" of the week.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
4. San Francisco 49ers (5-2)
3. New England Patriots (5-2)
2. New Orleans Saints (5-2)
1. Green Bay Packers (7-0)
32. Indianapolis Colts (0-7) - Jim Caldwell had on his best Kathleen Blanco face on the sideline Sunday night.
31. St. Louis Rams (0-6) -
30. Miami Dolphins (0-6) - Dolphins done got Tebowned on Sunday. Lord be praised!
29. Arizona Cardinals (1-5)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5)
27. Denver Broncos (2-4)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-4)
25. Minnesota Vikings (1-6) - Ponder looked good in the loss. Meanwhile, McNabb's mom dined on free soup for 3,008th straight day.
24. Cleveland Browns (3-3)
23. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3)
22. Washington Redskins (3-3)
21. Carolina Panthers (2-5)
CHRISTINA HENDRICKS TIME!
20. Philadelphia Eagles (2-4)
19. Tennessee Titans (3-3)
18. Dallas Cowboys (3-3)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3)
16. Oakland Raiders (4-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-3)
14. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
13. New York Jets (4-3)
12. Houston Texans (4-3)
11. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
KATE UPTON ALERT!
10. Detroit Lions (5-2)
9. San Diego Chargers (4-2)
8. Buffalo Bills (4-2)
7. New York Giants (4-2)
6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) - Here's your "WTF?!?" of the week.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
4. San Francisco 49ers (5-2)
3. New England Patriots (5-2)
2. New Orleans Saints (5-2)
1. Green Bay Packers (7-0)
Monday, October 10, 2011
NFL Power Rankings (Week 5 - 2011)
I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
Why wait until week 5? Cause I don't do that preseason poll horseshit. Leave that to the NCAA's of the world...
32. St. Louis Rams (0-4): No name receivers who couldn't catch a fucking cold in that disease movie.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-4): REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! (writes $10 check to Wang for use of insult.)
30. Minnesota Vikings (1-4)
29. Denver Broncos (1-4)
28. Arizona Cardinals (1-4)
27. Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4)
25. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)
24. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
23. Carolina Panthers (1-4)
22. Chicago Bears (2-3)
21. Philadelphia Eagles (1-4)
20. Cleveland Browns (2-2): That's right. CLEVELAND is BETTER than Philly. Deal with it.
19. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
18. New York Jets (2-3): Admiral Checkdown...
17. Atlanta Falcons (2-3): ...Please meet Captain Checkdown.
16. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2): Still not buying this.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-1): DEFINITELY not buying this.
13. Tennessee Titans (3-2): ABSOLUTELY not buying this.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
11. New York Giants (3-2)
10. Houston Texans (3-2): God damn, really? THESE GUYS are ranked tenth? This must be a down year for the parity of the league or something...
9. San Diego Chargers (4-1)
8. Oakland Raiders (3-2): "AH THE RAY-DUH-UHS!" - Chris Berman voice
7. San Francisco 49ers (4-1): Are we sure that's really Alex Smith under center?
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): I wouldn't trust Joe Flacco to win a game on his own, per say, but the team is still dominant.
5. New England Patriots (4-1): New England's defense blows. Their offense is going to have to bail them out of EVERY game this season...whoa, where have I heard/read/said that before???
4. Detroit Lions (5-0): This D-Line will be giving me nightmares. I need some of Drew Brees' NyQuil to get to sleep.
3. Buffalo Bills (5-0): These guys have an opportunistic defense and an offense that can score points and not screw up at vital moments. Imagine a scenario in which the Bills and Lions make the playoffs. Now potentially add the Bengals. We've reached CRITICAL MASS!
2. New Orleans Saints (4-1): Lingering, mother fuckers. Just lingering...
1. Green Bay Packers (5-0): Championship belt, folks.
Why wait until week 5? Cause I don't do that preseason poll horseshit. Leave that to the NCAA's of the world...
32. St. Louis Rams (0-4): No name receivers who couldn't catch a fucking cold in that disease movie.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-4): REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! (writes $10 check to Wang for use of insult.)
30. Minnesota Vikings (1-4)
29. Denver Broncos (1-4)
28. Arizona Cardinals (1-4)
27. Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4)
25. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)
24. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
23. Carolina Panthers (1-4)
22. Chicago Bears (2-3)
21. Philadelphia Eagles (1-4)
20. Cleveland Browns (2-2): That's right. CLEVELAND is BETTER than Philly. Deal with it.
19. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
18. New York Jets (2-3): Admiral Checkdown...
17. Atlanta Falcons (2-3): ...Please meet Captain Checkdown.
16. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2): Still not buying this.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-1): DEFINITELY not buying this.
13. Tennessee Titans (3-2): ABSOLUTELY not buying this.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
11. New York Giants (3-2)
10. Houston Texans (3-2): God damn, really? THESE GUYS are ranked tenth? This must be a down year for the parity of the league or something...
9. San Diego Chargers (4-1)
8. Oakland Raiders (3-2): "AH THE RAY-DUH-UHS!" - Chris Berman voice
7. San Francisco 49ers (4-1): Are we sure that's really Alex Smith under center?
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): I wouldn't trust Joe Flacco to win a game on his own, per say, but the team is still dominant.
5. New England Patriots (4-1): New England's defense blows. Their offense is going to have to bail them out of EVERY game this season...whoa, where have I heard/read/said that before???
4. Detroit Lions (5-0): This D-Line will be giving me nightmares. I need some of Drew Brees' NyQuil to get to sleep.
3. Buffalo Bills (5-0): These guys have an opportunistic defense and an offense that can score points and not screw up at vital moments. Imagine a scenario in which the Bills and Lions make the playoffs. Now potentially add the Bengals. We've reached CRITICAL MASS!
2. New Orleans Saints (4-1): Lingering, mother fuckers. Just lingering...
1. Green Bay Packers (5-0): Championship belt, folks.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 15 - 2010)
I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Arizona Cardinals (4-10)
31. Carolina Panthers (2-12)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (3-11)
29. Denver Broncos (3-11)
28. Washington Redskins (5-9)
27. Detroit Lions (4-10)
26. San Francisco 49ers (5-9)
25. Buffalo Bills (4-10)
24. Minnesota Vikings (5-9)
23. Houston Texans (5-9)
22. Seattle Seahawks (6-8): Remember, folks -- SOMEBODY has to win this division.
21. Cleveland Browns (5-9)
"I thought you were putting on Christmas music?"
"This IS Christmas music!"
20. Tennessee Titans (6-8)
19. Dallas Cowboys (5-9)
18. St. Louis Rams (6-8): Bradford has not looked the same since that pick-six against the Saints.
17. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-6)
15. Oakland Raiders (7-7)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6)
13. Indiannapolis Colts (8-6)
12. Green Bay Packers (8-6)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (9-5)
Grace Potter & The Nocturnals from Letterman. Grace Potter is not only hot but knows how to rock out? Winner...
10. New York Giants (9-5)
9. San Diego Chargers (8-6)
8. Chicago Bears (10-4)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-4)
6. New Orleans Saints (10-4)
5. New York Jets (10-4)
4. Baltimore Ravens (10-4)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
2. Atlanta Falcons (12-2)
1. New England Patriots (12-2)
32. Arizona Cardinals (4-10)
31. Carolina Panthers (2-12)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (3-11)
29. Denver Broncos (3-11)
28. Washington Redskins (5-9)
27. Detroit Lions (4-10)
26. San Francisco 49ers (5-9)
25. Buffalo Bills (4-10)
24. Minnesota Vikings (5-9)
23. Houston Texans (5-9)
22. Seattle Seahawks (6-8): Remember, folks -- SOMEBODY has to win this division.
21. Cleveland Browns (5-9)
"I thought you were putting on Christmas music?"
"This IS Christmas music!"
20. Tennessee Titans (6-8)
19. Dallas Cowboys (5-9)
18. St. Louis Rams (6-8): Bradford has not looked the same since that pick-six against the Saints.
17. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-6)
15. Oakland Raiders (7-7)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6)
13. Indiannapolis Colts (8-6)
12. Green Bay Packers (8-6)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (9-5)
Grace Potter & The Nocturnals from Letterman. Grace Potter is not only hot but knows how to rock out? Winner...
10. New York Giants (9-5)
9. San Diego Chargers (8-6)
8. Chicago Bears (10-4)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-4)
6. New Orleans Saints (10-4)
5. New York Jets (10-4)
4. Baltimore Ravens (10-4)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
2. Atlanta Falcons (12-2)
1. New England Patriots (12-2)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 14 - 2010)
I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth. But first...HAPPY FAVREANUKAH!
32. Carolina Panthers (1-12)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11)
30. Denver Broncos (3-10)
29. Detroit Lions (3-10)
28. Minnesota Vikings (5-8): No more rock out with your cock out, Favre!
27. Arizona Cardinals (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (3-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-8)
24. Seattle Seahawks (6-7)
23. San Francisco 49ers (5-8)
22. Dallas Cowboys (4-9)
21. Cleveland Browns (5-8)
Regarding the NFC West and my sick desires to see a sub-.500 team win, I'll turn things over to Big Daddy Drew from Deadspin:
"Anyway, the point is that a 7-9 team winning the West is still possible and in fact likely. I know a lot of people may bitch about it if it happens, but I think it's kind of cool. I mean, it takes a staggering amount of futility on the part of an entire division to conspire to get a 7-9 team into the playoffs. It's a miraculous convergence of shitty quarterbacking, horrible team management, and Pete Carroll. With Sam Bradford getting better and better, we may not see the likes of the 2010 NFC West ever again. So savor the flavor, everyone. You are watching history being made. Terrible, terrible history."
What he said.
20. Tennessee Titans (5-8)
19. St. Louis Rams (6-7)
18. Houston Texans (5-8): I legit sympathize with the Texans. That finish was a true kick to the nuts.
17. Oakland Raiders (6-7)
16. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5)
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5)
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-6)
12. San Diego Chargers (7-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (8-5)
And now, a parrot singing "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor":
10. New York Jets (9-4)
9. Chicago Bears (9-4)
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5)
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-4)
6. New York Giants (9-4)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4)
3. New Orleans Saints (10-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-2)
1. New England Patriots (11-2): Barring some kind of bad loss to a vastly inferior team these last three weeks, I can't really see the Patriots sliding from this spot.
And this would be Denise Milani, who's hogging up all the world's denim in this picture:
32. Carolina Panthers (1-12)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11)
30. Denver Broncos (3-10)
29. Detroit Lions (3-10)
28. Minnesota Vikings (5-8): No more rock out with your cock out, Favre!
27. Arizona Cardinals (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (3-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-8)
24. Seattle Seahawks (6-7)
23. San Francisco 49ers (5-8)
22. Dallas Cowboys (4-9)
21. Cleveland Browns (5-8)
Regarding the NFC West and my sick desires to see a sub-.500 team win, I'll turn things over to Big Daddy Drew from Deadspin:
"Anyway, the point is that a 7-9 team winning the West is still possible and in fact likely. I know a lot of people may bitch about it if it happens, but I think it's kind of cool. I mean, it takes a staggering amount of futility on the part of an entire division to conspire to get a 7-9 team into the playoffs. It's a miraculous convergence of shitty quarterbacking, horrible team management, and Pete Carroll. With Sam Bradford getting better and better, we may not see the likes of the 2010 NFC West ever again. So savor the flavor, everyone. You are watching history being made. Terrible, terrible history."
What he said.
20. Tennessee Titans (5-8)
19. St. Louis Rams (6-7)
18. Houston Texans (5-8): I legit sympathize with the Texans. That finish was a true kick to the nuts.
17. Oakland Raiders (6-7)
16. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5)
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5)
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-6)
12. San Diego Chargers (7-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (8-5)
And now, a parrot singing "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor":
10. New York Jets (9-4)
9. Chicago Bears (9-4)
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5)
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-4)
6. New York Giants (9-4)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4)
3. New Orleans Saints (10-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-2)
1. New England Patriots (11-2): Barring some kind of bad loss to a vastly inferior team these last three weeks, I can't really see the Patriots sliding from this spot.
And this would be Denise Milani, who's hogging up all the world's denim in this picture:
Sunday, December 12, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 13 - 2010)
Yeah, I'm doing this prior to the week 14 games and AFTER the Thursday night game. Note: the Colts near choke is not factored into this one. I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-11)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-10) - Screwed by the refs twice. Against the Bears. Bad times.
28. Denver Broncos (3-9)
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
26. Buffalo Bills (2-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-7)
24. Tennessee Titans (5-7)
23. Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): JUST CLICK THIS LINK. Now that's a great hit...
21. Cleveland Browns (5-7)
20. Seattle Seahawks (6-6)
19. Miami Dolphins (6-6)
18. Houston Texans (5-7)
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6)
16. Oakland Raiders (6-6)
15. Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
14. San Diego Chargers (6-6)
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5)
11. New York Giants (8-4)
10. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4)
9. New York Jets (9-3)
8. Green Bay Packers (8-4)
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
6. Chicago Bears (9-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
4. New Orleans Saints (9-3) - Still lurking, assholes...
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (10-2)
1. New England Patriots (10-2) - How ESPN ranks them behind the Falcons after the Pats' DESTROYED the Jets on MNF is beyond reason or understanding.
Oh, and here's a message to Brady and the Pats, and Matty Ice and the Falcons, courtesy of Mr. Johnny Cash:
32. Carolina Panthers (1-11)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-10) - Screwed by the refs twice. Against the Bears. Bad times.
28. Denver Broncos (3-9)
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
26. Buffalo Bills (2-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-7)
24. Tennessee Titans (5-7)
23. Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): JUST CLICK THIS LINK. Now that's a great hit...
21. Cleveland Browns (5-7)
20. Seattle Seahawks (6-6)
19. Miami Dolphins (6-6)
18. Houston Texans (5-7)
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6)
16. Oakland Raiders (6-6)
15. Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
14. San Diego Chargers (6-6)
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5)
11. New York Giants (8-4)
10. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4)
9. New York Jets (9-3)
8. Green Bay Packers (8-4)
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
6. Chicago Bears (9-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
4. New Orleans Saints (9-3) - Still lurking, assholes...
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (10-2)
1. New England Patriots (10-2) - How ESPN ranks them behind the Falcons after the Pats' DESTROYED the Jets on MNF is beyond reason or understanding.
Oh, and here's a message to Brady and the Pats, and Matty Ice and the Falcons, courtesy of Mr. Johnny Cash:
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 12 - 2010)
I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-10)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-8) - Note to Derek Anderson: when you're seen smiling or laughing on the sidelines when you're getting the shit kicked out of you on the field, fans are going to react harshly. (Ex. Aaron Brooks)
30. Denver Broncos (3-8)
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9)
28. Detroit Lions (2-9)
27. Dallas Cowboys (3-8)
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-7) - Wait, Favre's now an offensive coordinator? Fuck, dude, just GO AWAY!
24. Buffalo Bills (2-9) - Steve Johnson drops would-be game-winning catch. Blames God. Catches Hell for it. Now says people were silly to think he was blaming God. All is right with universe.
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-6)
22. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
21. Washington Redskins (5-6)
I still love this song...
20. St. Louis Rams (5-6) - Knowing the Rams would be a seven-point playoff dog AT HOME is almost enough to make me hope the Saints do finish with the 5th seed in the NFC. Almost.
19. Tennessee Titans (5-6) - Who the fuck names their kid "Cortland" anyways? Assholes, that's who.
18. Houston Texans (5-6)
17. Oakland Raiders (5-6)
16. Miami Dolphins (6-5)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4)
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-5)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) - A DOUBLE DWAYNE BOWE! WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
11. Green Bay Packers (7-4) - Aaron Rodgers can't play defense and special teams, yo.
10. New York Giants (7-4)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
8. Chicago Bears (8-3)
7. San Diego Chargers (6-5)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (8-3) - Lurking, motherfuckers. Lurking...
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-3)
3. New York Jets (9-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-2) - Falcons are, bar none, the best team in the NFC. No getting around that. But I'd be anxious to see how Matt Ryan will handle himself in the playoffs when they're expected to win.
1. New England Patriots (9-2)
Oh yeah...Drew Brees, folks. Drew fucking Brees.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-10)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-8) - Note to Derek Anderson: when you're seen smiling or laughing on the sidelines when you're getting the shit kicked out of you on the field, fans are going to react harshly. (Ex. Aaron Brooks)
30. Denver Broncos (3-8)
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9)
28. Detroit Lions (2-9)
27. Dallas Cowboys (3-8)
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-7) - Wait, Favre's now an offensive coordinator? Fuck, dude, just GO AWAY!
24. Buffalo Bills (2-9) - Steve Johnson drops would-be game-winning catch. Blames God. Catches Hell for it. Now says people were silly to think he was blaming God. All is right with universe.
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-6)
22. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
21. Washington Redskins (5-6)
I still love this song...
20. St. Louis Rams (5-6) - Knowing the Rams would be a seven-point playoff dog AT HOME is almost enough to make me hope the Saints do finish with the 5th seed in the NFC. Almost.
19. Tennessee Titans (5-6) - Who the fuck names their kid "Cortland" anyways? Assholes, that's who.
18. Houston Texans (5-6)
17. Oakland Raiders (5-6)
16. Miami Dolphins (6-5)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4)
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-5)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) - A DOUBLE DWAYNE BOWE! WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
11. Green Bay Packers (7-4) - Aaron Rodgers can't play defense and special teams, yo.
10. New York Giants (7-4)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
8. Chicago Bears (8-3)
7. San Diego Chargers (6-5)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (8-3) - Lurking, motherfuckers. Lurking...
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-3)
3. New York Jets (9-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-2) - Falcons are, bar none, the best team in the NFC. No getting around that. But I'd be anxious to see how Matt Ryan will handle himself in the playoffs when they're expected to win.
1. New England Patriots (9-2)
Oh yeah...Drew Brees, folks. Drew fucking Brees.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 11 - 2010)
Wanted to get this list out there before the Thanksgiving Day games got underway. You know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-9)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8)
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)
29. Detroit Lions (2-8)
28. Minnesota Vikings (3-7)
27. Denver Broncos (3-7)
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7)
25. Buffalo Bills (2-8)
24. Dallas Cowboys (3-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-5)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-6)
21. Cleveland Browns (3-7)
In honor of America, here's The Boss:
20. Houston Texans (4-6)
19. Oakland Raiders (5-5)
18. Washington Redskins (5-5)
17. Tennessee Titans (5-5)
16. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
14. Chicago Bears (7-3): Over-rated! (clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)
12. San Diego Chargers (5-5)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3)
And here's one of the more awesome moments in cinematic history:
10. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
9. New York Giants (6-4)
8. Green Bay Packers (7-3)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3): Yeah, I know the Steelers were ranked higher last week and put a beating on the Raiders. So the fuck what? Got a problem, dickhead?
6. Baltimore Ravens (7-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3)
4. New York Jets (8-2)
3. Atlanta Falcons (8-2)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3)
1. New England Patriots (8-2)
And now...football awesomeness!
32. Carolina Panthers (1-9)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8)
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)
29. Detroit Lions (2-8)
28. Minnesota Vikings (3-7)
27. Denver Broncos (3-7)
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7)
25. Buffalo Bills (2-8)
24. Dallas Cowboys (3-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-5)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-6)
21. Cleveland Browns (3-7)
In honor of America, here's The Boss:
20. Houston Texans (4-6)
19. Oakland Raiders (5-5)
18. Washington Redskins (5-5)
17. Tennessee Titans (5-5)
16. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
14. Chicago Bears (7-3): Over-rated! (clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)
12. San Diego Chargers (5-5)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3)
And here's one of the more awesome moments in cinematic history:
10. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
9. New York Giants (6-4)
8. Green Bay Packers (7-3)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3): Yeah, I know the Steelers were ranked higher last week and put a beating on the Raiders. So the fuck what? Got a problem, dickhead?
6. Baltimore Ravens (7-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3)
4. New York Jets (8-2)
3. Atlanta Falcons (8-2)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3)
1. New England Patriots (8-2)
And now...football awesomeness!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 10 - 2010)
Haven't done this in a while, but you know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-8)
31. Detroit Lions (1-8)
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7)
29. Buffalo Bills (1-8)
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6)
27. San Francisco (3-6)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (4-5)
23. Cleveland Browns (3-6)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-5)
21. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)
That's right. The NFC West doesn't get past No. 21 on my list. Speaking of utter disappointments, here's the Green Lantern "teaser" trailer:
This isn't a teaser trailer. Teaser trailers are typically 90 seconds or less. The Batman Begins teaser? 1 minute, 15 seconds. Superman Returns teaser? 90 seconds. Dark Knight teaser? 55 seconds.
And also, this teaser is a train wreck. What's with the big-headed fool with the pornstache? And why does Ryan Reynolds wear a cartoon? And why is Blake Lively pretending to be cardboard?
20. Denver Broncos (3-6)
19. Houston Texans (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4)
16. Chicago Bears (6-4)
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-5)
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4)
12. Tennessee Titans (5-4)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)
Well, here's something interesting, Cowboys & Aliens. It's cowboys. It's aliens. It's James Bond. It's Indiana Jones/Hans Solo. It's intriguing.
10. New York Giants (6-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (6-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
7. New Orleans Saints (6-3)
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) Remember that asshole bandwagon Steelers fan I always tell you about? Well, he got fired from his job today. And because I hold grudges like nobody's fucking business, I celebrated like we skull fucked Iraq in Desert Storm, Part 1.
4. New York Jets (6-3)
3. Philadelphia Eages (7-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (7-2)
1. New England Patriots (7-2)
32. Carolina Panthers (1-8)
31. Detroit Lions (1-8)
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7)
29. Buffalo Bills (1-8)
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6)
27. San Francisco (3-6)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (4-5)
23. Cleveland Browns (3-6)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-5)
21. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)
That's right. The NFC West doesn't get past No. 21 on my list. Speaking of utter disappointments, here's the Green Lantern "teaser" trailer:
This isn't a teaser trailer. Teaser trailers are typically 90 seconds or less. The Batman Begins teaser? 1 minute, 15 seconds. Superman Returns teaser? 90 seconds. Dark Knight teaser? 55 seconds.
And also, this teaser is a train wreck. What's with the big-headed fool with the pornstache? And why does Ryan Reynolds wear a cartoon? And why is Blake Lively pretending to be cardboard?
20. Denver Broncos (3-6)
19. Houston Texans (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4)
16. Chicago Bears (6-4)
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-5)
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4)
12. Tennessee Titans (5-4)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)
Well, here's something interesting, Cowboys & Aliens. It's cowboys. It's aliens. It's James Bond. It's Indiana Jones/Hans Solo. It's intriguing.
10. New York Giants (6-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (6-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
7. New Orleans Saints (6-3)
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) Remember that asshole bandwagon Steelers fan I always tell you about? Well, he got fired from his job today. And because I hold grudges like nobody's fucking business, I celebrated like we skull fucked Iraq in Desert Storm, Part 1.
4. New York Jets (6-3)
3. Philadelphia Eages (7-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (7-2)
1. New England Patriots (7-2)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 6 -2010)
Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth. Want to know why I'm so late? Get to No. 1 on this list.
And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."
32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...
20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
Uh, I likes 'em classy?
10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.
BONUS!!!
And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."
32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...
20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
Uh, I likes 'em classy?
10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.
BONUS!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 5 - 2010)
Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth.
MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?
JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.
KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)
BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.
MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?
JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.
KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)
BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 4 - 2010)
Dave point out last week that I neglected to put any extras in my power rankings post last, particularly the lack of pics of hot women. Well, I'll bring some heat this time out.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)
10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.
Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)
10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.
Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 3 - 2010)
I've got little time to put this thing together, but long story short: this is how I think things would shake down if the teams met on a neutral site. I'm trying to base this off of this year's performances and not on reputation or past performance.
32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)
32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
NFL Power Rankings (Week 17)
I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-15)
31. Detroit Lions (2-14): I kinda wish Detroit would have beaten the Rams this season. I mean, how fucking sad are the Detroit Lions that the Rams' only win of the year came against the team that went 0-16 last year? Fucking Detroit...
30. Washington Redskins (4-12): Mike Shanahan is fucked.
29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-11)
26. Oakland Raiders (5-11)
25. Buffalo Bills (6-10)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9)
23. Cleveland Browns (5-11): Holmgren will get these guys back in the playoffs within the next three years.
22. Chicago Bears (7-9)
21. New York Giants (8-8): Sorry, but you get outscored 85-16 in the last two games, you're falling this far. And for the record: the Giants went 3-7 AFTER getting their asses handed to them by the Saints.
20. Denver Broncos (8-8)
19. Miami Dolphins (7-9)
18. San Francisco 49ers (8-8)
17. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
16. Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
15. Tennessee Titans (8-8)
14. Houston Texans (9-7)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7)
12. New York Jets (9-7)
11. Baltimore Ravens (9-7)
10. New England Patriots (10-6): I would like to taste Bill Simmons' tears right now.
9. Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-6)
6. Green Bay Packers (11-5)
5. New Orleans Saints (13-3): Yeah, they fall despite playing Mark "Metamucil" Brunell for the whole game. I don't like it, either. And I fucking hate having the Cowboys ahead of us.
4. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
3. Minnesota Vikings (12-4): The Vikings righted the ship heading into the playoffs. FUCK.
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-2)
1. San Diego Chargers (12-4): They have more momentum heading into the postseason then any other team.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-15)
31. Detroit Lions (2-14): I kinda wish Detroit would have beaten the Rams this season. I mean, how fucking sad are the Detroit Lions that the Rams' only win of the year came against the team that went 0-16 last year? Fucking Detroit...
30. Washington Redskins (4-12): Mike Shanahan is fucked.
29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-11)
26. Oakland Raiders (5-11)
25. Buffalo Bills (6-10)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9)
23. Cleveland Browns (5-11): Holmgren will get these guys back in the playoffs within the next three years.
22. Chicago Bears (7-9)
21. New York Giants (8-8): Sorry, but you get outscored 85-16 in the last two games, you're falling this far. And for the record: the Giants went 3-7 AFTER getting their asses handed to them by the Saints.
20. Denver Broncos (8-8)
19. Miami Dolphins (7-9)
18. San Francisco 49ers (8-8)
17. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
16. Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
15. Tennessee Titans (8-8)
14. Houston Texans (9-7)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7)
12. New York Jets (9-7)
11. Baltimore Ravens (9-7)
10. New England Patriots (10-6): I would like to taste Bill Simmons' tears right now.
9. Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-6)
6. Green Bay Packers (11-5)
5. New Orleans Saints (13-3): Yeah, they fall despite playing Mark "Metamucil" Brunell for the whole game. I don't like it, either. And I fucking hate having the Cowboys ahead of us.
4. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
3. Minnesota Vikings (12-4): The Vikings righted the ship heading into the playoffs. FUCK.
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-2)
1. San Diego Chargers (12-4): They have more momentum heading into the postseason then any other team.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
NFL Power Rankings (Week 16)
I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-14)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-12)
30. Detroit Lions (2-13)
29. Washington Redskins (4-11)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-12)
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-10)
26. Buffalo Bills (5-10)
25. Cleveland Browns (4-11)
24. Oakland Raiders (6-9)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8)
22. Chicago Bears (6-9)
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-8)
20. Miami Dolphins (7-8)
19. New York Giants (8-7)
18. Tennessee Titans (7-8)
17. Carolina Panthers (7-8)
16. Atlanta Falcons (8-7)
15. New York Jets (8-7)
14. Denver Broncos (8-7)
13. Houston Texans (8-7)
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7): The referees would like to thank the Steelers management for the wonderful gift baskets.
11. Baltimore Ravens (8-7)
10. Cincinnati Bengals (10-5)
9. New England Patriots (10-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (10-5)
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-5)
6. Green Bay Packers (10-5)
5. Minnesota Vikings (11-4)
4. New Orleans Saints (13-2)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (11-4)
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-1)
1. San Diego Chargers (12-3)
32. St. Louis Rams (1-14)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-12)
30. Detroit Lions (2-13)
29. Washington Redskins (4-11)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-12)
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-10)
26. Buffalo Bills (5-10)
25. Cleveland Browns (4-11)
24. Oakland Raiders (6-9)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8)
22. Chicago Bears (6-9)
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-8)
20. Miami Dolphins (7-8)
19. New York Giants (8-7)
18. Tennessee Titans (7-8)
17. Carolina Panthers (7-8)
16. Atlanta Falcons (8-7)
15. New York Jets (8-7)
14. Denver Broncos (8-7)
13. Houston Texans (8-7)
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7): The referees would like to thank the Steelers management for the wonderful gift baskets.
11. Baltimore Ravens (8-7)
10. Cincinnati Bengals (10-5)
9. New England Patriots (10-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (10-5)
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-5)
6. Green Bay Packers (10-5)
5. Minnesota Vikings (11-4)
4. New Orleans Saints (13-2)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (11-4)
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-1)
1. San Diego Chargers (12-3)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
NFL Power Rankings (Week 15)
I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.
And your pictures for today are of "adult film actress" (thanks Sports Night!) Lisa Ann. She's got, uh, nice eyes.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-13)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-11): Congrats to Missouri, which has the two worst teams in football. Seems like the "Gateway to the West" is more like the "Gateway to Suck." Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal!
30. Washington Redskins (4-10): Sorry, but this franchise is a God damn embarrassment to organized sports. And the how f*ck do they just roll over for the Giants but try and do their best Buster Douglas impression against the Saints?
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-12)
28. Detroit Lions (2-12): Yep, I'm ranking the Lions ahead of teams with better records and a team that won last week while they (the Lions) lost. The Lions played the Arizona "Divisional Round Upset" Cardinals down to the wire. That gets you cred.
27. Cleveland Browns (3-11): Really? I have to rank Cleveland this high?
26. Seattle Seahawks (5-9)
25. Chicago Bears (5-9): The guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have been having a field day with Jay Cutler all year long.
24. Buffalo Bills (5-9): They played the Patriots tough, so I'll rank them ahead of Chicago.
23. San Francisco 49ers (6-8)
22. Oakland Raiders (5-9): Can the Raiders climb out of this...wait for it..."Black Hole" and into the second tier of teams in my rankings? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!
21. New York Jets (7-7): Way to hold a visiting team to 10 points and STILL find a way to lose. Fucking idiots...
20. Carolina Panthers (6-8): The check is in the mail, John Fox.
19. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
18. Atlanta Falcons (7-7)
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-7): Playing at a neutral site might be beneficial to the Jaguars.
16. Houston Texans (7-7)
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7): Congrats, Super Bowl Champs: you're back to .500, now sit down and shut the fuck up.
14. Denver Broncos (8-6)
13. Tennessee Titans (7-7): AFC teams better hope these guys don't sneak into the playoffs.
12. Baltimore Ravens (8-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (9-5): Couldn't you have beaten those ass hat Steelers, for fuck's sake?
10. New York Giants (8-5)
9. New England Patriots (9-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (9-5): Beating an undefeated team moves you up a few spots in the rankings, I don't care who you are. Sincerely, Mark Schlareth.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (9-5): Tough road loss.
6. Arizona Cardinals (9-5)
5. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
4. Minnesota Vikings (11-3): Dear Brad Childress, Thanks for getting into a pissing contest with Brett Favre and blowing the Panthers game. Signed, New Orleans Saints fans. (Do I owe Jim Rome a dollar for this?)
3. New Orleans Saints (13-1): That's right, I'm ranking them below the Chargers. If the Saints win they can get back into 2nd place. Hell, if they blow out Tampa and the Colts either lose or escape with an ugly win, I might even bring them back to the top.
2. San Diego Chargers (11-3): This team is flying under the radar it seems. And they're a two-seed in the AFC.
1. Indianapolis Colts (14-0)
And your pictures for today are of "adult film actress" (thanks Sports Night!) Lisa Ann. She's got, uh, nice eyes.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-13)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-11): Congrats to Missouri, which has the two worst teams in football. Seems like the "Gateway to the West" is more like the "Gateway to Suck." Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal!
30. Washington Redskins (4-10): Sorry, but this franchise is a God damn embarrassment to organized sports. And the how f*ck do they just roll over for the Giants but try and do their best Buster Douglas impression against the Saints?
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-12)
28. Detroit Lions (2-12): Yep, I'm ranking the Lions ahead of teams with better records and a team that won last week while they (the Lions) lost. The Lions played the Arizona "Divisional Round Upset" Cardinals down to the wire. That gets you cred.
27. Cleveland Browns (3-11): Really? I have to rank Cleveland this high?
26. Seattle Seahawks (5-9)
25. Chicago Bears (5-9): The guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have been having a field day with Jay Cutler all year long.
24. Buffalo Bills (5-9): They played the Patriots tough, so I'll rank them ahead of Chicago.
23. San Francisco 49ers (6-8)
22. Oakland Raiders (5-9): Can the Raiders climb out of this...wait for it..."Black Hole" and into the second tier of teams in my rankings? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!
21. New York Jets (7-7): Way to hold a visiting team to 10 points and STILL find a way to lose. Fucking idiots...
20. Carolina Panthers (6-8): The check is in the mail, John Fox.
19. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
18. Atlanta Falcons (7-7)
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-7): Playing at a neutral site might be beneficial to the Jaguars.
16. Houston Texans (7-7)
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7): Congrats, Super Bowl Champs: you're back to .500, now sit down and shut the fuck up.
14. Denver Broncos (8-6)
13. Tennessee Titans (7-7): AFC teams better hope these guys don't sneak into the playoffs.
12. Baltimore Ravens (8-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (9-5): Couldn't you have beaten those ass hat Steelers, for fuck's sake?
10. New York Giants (8-5)
9. New England Patriots (9-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (9-5): Beating an undefeated team moves you up a few spots in the rankings, I don't care who you are. Sincerely, Mark Schlareth.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (9-5): Tough road loss.
6. Arizona Cardinals (9-5)
5. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
4. Minnesota Vikings (11-3): Dear Brad Childress, Thanks for getting into a pissing contest with Brett Favre and blowing the Panthers game. Signed, New Orleans Saints fans. (Do I owe Jim Rome a dollar for this?)
3. New Orleans Saints (13-1): That's right, I'm ranking them below the Chargers. If the Saints win they can get back into 2nd place. Hell, if they blow out Tampa and the Colts either lose or escape with an ugly win, I might even bring them back to the top.
2. San Diego Chargers (11-3): This team is flying under the radar it seems. And they're a two-seed in the AFC.
1. Indianapolis Colts (14-0)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
NFL Power Rankings (Week 14)
You got not power rankings last week. Rather than give you a litany of reasons why, let's just forge ahead with the understanding that I was extraordinarily burdened with shit.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-12): This franchise has two options come draft time. Either get that DT from Nebraska or trade down for more picks, cause this team needs a fuck ton of help defensively. Of course, the guy who drafted Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning is running the franchise, so I guess that means it's Jimmy Clausen, right?
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-12)
30. Detroit Lions (2-11)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (3-10)
28. Cleveland Browns (2-10): Fun times in Cleveland again!!
27. Washington Redskins (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (5-8)
25. Oakland Raiders (4-9): I'm hoping this is the highest I will rank the Raiders this year.
24. Chicago Bears (5-8): Yeah, I guess the Bears would beat all these teams below them...(shrugs shoulders)
23. Carolina Panthers (5-8)
22. Seattle Seahawks (5-8)
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7): Fuck you guys. No, seriously. Fuck all y'all. If this were any other team that lost five in a row, real power ranking folks would put that team in the 20s without question. Shit, I wish I had enough confidence to think these other guys below in the rankings could beat them.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-6)
19. Atlanta Falcons (6-7)
18. San Francisco 49ers (6-7)
17. Houston Texans (6-7): Andre Johnson = Man.
16. New York Jets (7-6)
15. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
14. Tennessee Titans (6-7)
13. New York Giants (7-6)
12. Dallas Cowboys (8-5): America's Team vs. God's Team this Saturday night. Winner gets the rights to Shreveport.
11. Baltimore Ravens (7-6)
10. Arizona Cardinals (8-5): Two words for Gregg Williams...BLUE PRINT. The 49ers just showed you how to skull fuck the Cardinals on national television. Hope you DVR'd this one and not that lame singing show on NBC, Gregg.
9. Denver Broncos (8-5)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (9-4): The Bengals just don't look threatening right now.
7. New England Patriots (8-5)
6. Green Bay Packers (9-4): Wish I could put these guys higher, but everyone above them is playing excellent football.
5. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4): Hey, I'm in awe of DeSean Jackson, sure, but the prospect of Andy Reid in the playoffs...on the road...(Licks lips, salivates.)
4. San Diego Chargers (10-3): The Chargers are flying under the damn radar. I like that. Phillip Rivers deserves to be in the MVP discussion.
3. The Minnesota Vikings (11-2)
2. New Orleans Saints (13-0): I may catch shit for this, but I don't care. The Colts are setting records and doing their thing and the Saints are giving me heart palpitations. My medication is a home game on (semi) national television against the Cowboys.
1. Indianapolis Colts (13-0): Seriously. Neutral field, who you taking? The Saints and that banged up secondary with the D-line that can't get pressure on a fucking insurance salesman? I think not.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-12): This franchise has two options come draft time. Either get that DT from Nebraska or trade down for more picks, cause this team needs a fuck ton of help defensively. Of course, the guy who drafted Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning is running the franchise, so I guess that means it's Jimmy Clausen, right?
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-12)
30. Detroit Lions (2-11)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (3-10)
28. Cleveland Browns (2-10): Fun times in Cleveland again!!
27. Washington Redskins (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (5-8)
25. Oakland Raiders (4-9): I'm hoping this is the highest I will rank the Raiders this year.
24. Chicago Bears (5-8): Yeah, I guess the Bears would beat all these teams below them...(shrugs shoulders)
23. Carolina Panthers (5-8)
22. Seattle Seahawks (5-8)
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7): Fuck you guys. No, seriously. Fuck all y'all. If this were any other team that lost five in a row, real power ranking folks would put that team in the 20s without question. Shit, I wish I had enough confidence to think these other guys below in the rankings could beat them.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-6)
19. Atlanta Falcons (6-7)
18. San Francisco 49ers (6-7)
17. Houston Texans (6-7): Andre Johnson = Man.
16. New York Jets (7-6)
15. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
14. Tennessee Titans (6-7)
13. New York Giants (7-6)
12. Dallas Cowboys (8-5): America's Team vs. God's Team this Saturday night. Winner gets the rights to Shreveport.
11. Baltimore Ravens (7-6)
10. Arizona Cardinals (8-5): Two words for Gregg Williams...BLUE PRINT. The 49ers just showed you how to skull fuck the Cardinals on national television. Hope you DVR'd this one and not that lame singing show on NBC, Gregg.
9. Denver Broncos (8-5)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (9-4): The Bengals just don't look threatening right now.
7. New England Patriots (8-5)
6. Green Bay Packers (9-4): Wish I could put these guys higher, but everyone above them is playing excellent football.
5. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4): Hey, I'm in awe of DeSean Jackson, sure, but the prospect of Andy Reid in the playoffs...on the road...(Licks lips, salivates.)
4. San Diego Chargers (10-3): The Chargers are flying under the damn radar. I like that. Phillip Rivers deserves to be in the MVP discussion.
3. The Minnesota Vikings (11-2)
2. New Orleans Saints (13-0): I may catch shit for this, but I don't care. The Colts are setting records and doing their thing and the Saints are giving me heart palpitations. My medication is a home game on (semi) national television against the Cowboys.
1. Indianapolis Colts (13-0): Seriously. Neutral field, who you taking? The Saints and that banged up secondary with the D-line that can't get pressure on a fucking insurance salesman? I think not.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
NFL Power Rankings (Week 12)
I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.
32. Cleveland Browns (1-10)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10)
30. St. Louis Rams (1-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-9)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8)
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8)
26. Washington Redskins (3-8)
25. Chicago Bears (4-7)
24. Carolina Panthers (4-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
22. Buffalo Bills (4-7)
21. Miami Dolphins (5-6)
20. San Francisco 49ers (5-6)
19. New York Jets (5-6)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
17. Houston Texans (5-6)
16. Atlanta Falcons (6-5)
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Tennessee Titans (5-6)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5): Thanks for coming through in the FAIL for me, guys. Dickheads.
12. Denver Broncos (7-4)
11. Arizona Cardinals (7-4)
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
9. Green Bay Packers (7-4)
8. New England Patriots (7-4): Go fuck yourself, Bill Simmons. Hey, here's a Rocky pop culture reference for you: know how you say championship teams have the "Eye of the Tiger?" Guess what? Drew Brees IS the Eye of the Tiger. Tom Brady? He's got the Eye of the Vagina, shit head.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
6. Dallas Cowboys (8-3)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3): Congrats on sweeping the AFC North. The Saints will be gunning to do the same thing. Here's weird theoretical question: What happens if the the Broncos don't pull the upset in week 1 versus the Bengals? Is it a simple case of the Bengals just being 9-2?
4. San Diego Charges (8-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (11-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (11-0): If anyone in the national sports media has Drew Brees as fourth or worse on their MVP list, I have three words for you: GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.
32. Cleveland Browns (1-10)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10)
30. St. Louis Rams (1-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-9)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8)
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8)
26. Washington Redskins (3-8)
25. Chicago Bears (4-7)
24. Carolina Panthers (4-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
22. Buffalo Bills (4-7)
21. Miami Dolphins (5-6)
20. San Francisco 49ers (5-6)
19. New York Jets (5-6)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
17. Houston Texans (5-6)
16. Atlanta Falcons (6-5)
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Tennessee Titans (5-6)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5): Thanks for coming through in the FAIL for me, guys. Dickheads.
12. Denver Broncos (7-4)
11. Arizona Cardinals (7-4)
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
9. Green Bay Packers (7-4)
8. New England Patriots (7-4): Go fuck yourself, Bill Simmons. Hey, here's a Rocky pop culture reference for you: know how you say championship teams have the "Eye of the Tiger?" Guess what? Drew Brees IS the Eye of the Tiger. Tom Brady? He's got the Eye of the Vagina, shit head.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
6. Dallas Cowboys (8-3)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3): Congrats on sweeping the AFC North. The Saints will be gunning to do the same thing. Here's weird theoretical question: What happens if the the Broncos don't pull the upset in week 1 versus the Bengals? Is it a simple case of the Bengals just being 9-2?
4. San Diego Charges (8-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (11-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (11-0): If anyone in the national sports media has Drew Brees as fourth or worse on their MVP list, I have three words for you: GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
NFL Power Rankings (Week 11)
I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. I hope I don't start doing this to every team because that'll mean more work for me.
BTW...I got a dog over the weekend. His name is Doc. (I thought "Breesus" might be a bit much.) And I will be peppering this week's power rankings with pictures of him. Does that make me one of those pretentious "I love my doggy" type assholes? Sure. But this is my blog. Thanks for coming out.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-9)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-9): How bad are the fucking Browns? Bad enough to warrant me attaching THIS VIDEO. "Still Cleveland!"
29. Washington Redskins (3-7)
28. Seattle Seahawks (3-7)
27. Detroit Lions (2-8): Excellent show of grit for a team in the shitter.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-7)
25. Oakland Raiders (3-7)
24. Kansas City Chiefs (3-7): CHIEFS FTW! Way to fucking crush the spirits of all those goddamn bandwagoning Steelers fans!! Especially an overweight, piss-poor station leader in New Orleans who "suddenly" decided he was a Steelers fan in the 1970s and abandoned the Saints! Hey, asshole, I got a question for you: do you like apples?!?
23. New York Jets (4-6): Again, just so we're clear: since being beaten up by the Saints, the Jets are 1-5. Sanchez can take his virulent sexy girlfriends and fuck off.
22. Chicago Bears (4-6)
21. San Francisco (4-6)
Hey! Who's a good puppy! That's right, you are! You're such a good puppy!! Yes, yes, yes!!!
...
Uh, sorry about that. He's cute.
20. Carolina Panthers (4-6): Welcome out of the bottom third, Carolina!
19. Atlanta Falcons (5-5): We have some nice parting gifts for the Falcons for falling out of the playoff race. Lee's Press-On Nails and a three-piece travel luggage set.
18. Houston Texas (5-5): Dude, if Kris Brown is still even on the roster at the end of the year I will be stunned. I was at work last night and I remarked, "Kubiak needs to cut him" after the miss. The sports director at the station (in St. Louis) was nearby and said in a very condescending tone, "Yeah, you right, send a message!" That's the point, dick head. When the kicker fucks over the team twice in three weeks, it's time to consider trimming the fat.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-4): Way to get smoked at home.
15. Tennessee Titans (4-6)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
13. Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
12. New York Giants (6-4)
11. Green Bay Packers (6-4)
I see you! Huh?! You like chewing on your microchip, don't you?!? Huh? Who's a cute doggie even when he's being bad!?
...
This will only get worse from here on out. You've been warned. Hopefully Doc won't show up next time The Shockmeister is around.
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4): Oh, I waiting to put you assholes out of the top ten. Give me another reason, shit heads.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (6-4)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3): How the fuck do you blow a game to the Raiders of all teams?
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
6. Arizona Cardinals (7-3): If Warner's not in the lineup, this team doesn't do shit. Hmmm, sounds like a few other teams in the top team here.
5. San Diego Chargers (7-3): Winners of five straight. Can't laugh at Norv Turner now. At last, not too much.
4. New England Patriots (7-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (9-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-0): Colts are second because they got into a dicey situation with the Ravens...
1. New Orleans Saints (10-0): ...whereas the Saints blew out their opponent. Granted, their is a HUGE disparity between the Bucs and Ravens, but the Saints demonstrated that when they play mistake free football they will wax your ass like a Brazilian hooker at Mardi Gras in Rio.
BTW...I got a dog over the weekend. His name is Doc. (I thought "Breesus" might be a bit much.) And I will be peppering this week's power rankings with pictures of him. Does that make me one of those pretentious "I love my doggy" type assholes? Sure. But this is my blog. Thanks for coming out.
32. St. Louis Rams (1-9)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-9): How bad are the fucking Browns? Bad enough to warrant me attaching THIS VIDEO. "Still Cleveland!"
29. Washington Redskins (3-7)
28. Seattle Seahawks (3-7)
27. Detroit Lions (2-8): Excellent show of grit for a team in the shitter.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-7)
25. Oakland Raiders (3-7)
24. Kansas City Chiefs (3-7): CHIEFS FTW! Way to fucking crush the spirits of all those goddamn bandwagoning Steelers fans!! Especially an overweight, piss-poor station leader in New Orleans who "suddenly" decided he was a Steelers fan in the 1970s and abandoned the Saints! Hey, asshole, I got a question for you: do you like apples?!?
23. New York Jets (4-6): Again, just so we're clear: since being beaten up by the Saints, the Jets are 1-5. Sanchez can take his virulent sexy girlfriends and fuck off.
22. Chicago Bears (4-6)
21. San Francisco (4-6)
Hey! Who's a good puppy! That's right, you are! You're such a good puppy!! Yes, yes, yes!!!
...
Uh, sorry about that. He's cute.
20. Carolina Panthers (4-6): Welcome out of the bottom third, Carolina!
19. Atlanta Falcons (5-5): We have some nice parting gifts for the Falcons for falling out of the playoff race. Lee's Press-On Nails and a three-piece travel luggage set.
18. Houston Texas (5-5): Dude, if Kris Brown is still even on the roster at the end of the year I will be stunned. I was at work last night and I remarked, "Kubiak needs to cut him" after the miss. The sports director at the station (in St. Louis) was nearby and said in a very condescending tone, "Yeah, you right, send a message!" That's the point, dick head. When the kicker fucks over the team twice in three weeks, it's time to consider trimming the fat.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-4): Way to get smoked at home.
15. Tennessee Titans (4-6)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
13. Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
12. New York Giants (6-4)
11. Green Bay Packers (6-4)
I see you! Huh?! You like chewing on your microchip, don't you?!? Huh? Who's a cute doggie even when he's being bad!?
...
This will only get worse from here on out. You've been warned. Hopefully Doc won't show up next time The Shockmeister is around.
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4): Oh, I waiting to put you assholes out of the top ten. Give me another reason, shit heads.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (6-4)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3): How the fuck do you blow a game to the Raiders of all teams?
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
6. Arizona Cardinals (7-3): If Warner's not in the lineup, this team doesn't do shit. Hmmm, sounds like a few other teams in the top team here.
5. San Diego Chargers (7-3): Winners of five straight. Can't laugh at Norv Turner now. At last, not too much.
4. New England Patriots (7-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (9-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-0): Colts are second because they got into a dicey situation with the Ravens...
1. New Orleans Saints (10-0): ...whereas the Saints blew out their opponent. Granted, their is a HUGE disparity between the Bucs and Ravens, but the Saints demonstrated that when they play mistake free football they will wax your ass like a Brazilian hooker at Mardi Gras in Rio.
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