Sunday, February 13, 2011

Movin' Out: The Payton Parallax


Coach Sean Payton closes a suitcase and puts some personal effects into a cardboard box.

PAYTON: Well, this was fun. Sure was odd that I had clothes and personal items to pack at the office, though. Oh well, I'll have the place in the city to put some of this stuff around draft time.

There's a slight rap at the door. Thomas Morstead meekly sticks his head in the room.

MORSTEAD: Can I come in, Coach?

PAYTON: Sure thing, Thomas. C'mon in. What can I do for you?

MORSTEAD: Well, Coach, all this talk about you moving has me worried.

PAYTON: Don't worry, Thomas. I'm going to stay in NOLA during the football season. Well, except for maybe the bye week. I'll probably go back to Dallas for that.

MORSTEAD: Please don't go to Dallas, sir!! You can't leave the franchise high and dry like this!!

PAYTON: Calm down. I'm not leaving the team. I'm not taking another job. (mutters) Not that anything's been offered to me anyway, thanks a lot, Mr. Jerry Jones...

MORSTEAD: But Coach, Saints fans are awfully provincial.

PAYTON: Thomas, I have to do what's best for my family, you know?

MORSTEAD: Coach, as somebody who attended SMU, I can tell you that people in Texas don't like Louisiana. And folks here sure don't like Texans, especially those residing in the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area.

PAYTON: Thomas, I'm not really interested in playing provincial politics.

MORSTEAD: What about your book, hmmmm, coach? That part where you said you had to be "all in" and you needed to be here to coach the team and you were glad you did?

PAYTON: Thomas, that's just the way this stuff works: win a Super Bowl, have some dude ghost write a book for you in which you trot out these platitudes about being "one with the city" blah blah blah. Between you and me, I'd have stayed in Dallas if Loomis would've let me. But there were extenuating circumstances.

MORSTEAD: Such as?

PAYTON: Such as...this was my first head coaching gig and I didn't want to look like a total asshole by NOT moving to the city. Look, I guided this team to a Super Bowl. A Super Bowl, for Christ's sakes! Am I not entitled to live where I want? We're still gonna kick ass in the 2012 season! I got some store credit here, and I intend to use it!

MORSTEAD: Well, this is the only major change of the off-season, right?

PAYTON: Absolutely. (Long dramatic pause.) Well...

MORSTEAD: Well what, sir?

PAYTON: I mean, this is the most recent thing to happen this off-season.

MORSTEAD: What else happened?

PAYTON: You mean, aside from Drew's off-season surgery?

MORSTEAD: What off-season surgery? I thought you said he wouldn't need surgery!

PAYTON: That was for the papers. After that schmuck Kenny Wilkerson and that wonk from that weak-ass blog "broke" the story about Drew's knee, we were in full damage control.

MORSTEAD: I always thought Saints bloggers had a certain rakish charm...

PAYTON: (interrupting) Whatever. I'd managed to taper things down about the Argentinian goat ligaments being grafted inside Drew's knee, until Heath Evans decided to open his big mouth after the season.

MORSTEAD: What, so what happened to Drew's knee now?

PAYTON: His knee? Take a look at the new and improved Drew Brees! (pushes intercom button.) Drew, c'mon in here for a second.

(Wall caves in as a Drew Brees enters.)

DREW-209: What can I do for you, Coach? Got a reporter you need me to silence? I gotta stop at the house and make a quick change, though. I converted the cannons into nail guns and I was using them to build Habitat houses at a breakneck pace.

PAYTON: No, I don't need you to kill anybody at the moment. I just wanted Thomas here to see that change isn't all bad.

DREW-209: Oh yeah, it's great, Thomas. And what'll you see what Coach did for Jabari Greer's shoulder!

MORSTEAD: Wait, what?

PAYTON: C'mon in, Jabari!

JABARI: What up, people!

MORSTEAD: Coach, is that the shoulder cannon from Predator?

PAYTON: Yep. Got it from the Defense Department when we visited DC last year. Winning a Super Bowl has its advantages, Thomas. Proves you know how to make good decisions. Which is why I traded Jeremy Shockey.


PAYTON: Yep, traded him to the Miami Dolphins.

SHOCKEY: The Shockmeister gonna put his Shock Stick in some Cuban immigrants this summer!!! HOLLA AT YA BOY!!!!

MORSTEAD: What'd we get for Mr. J-Shock, Coach?

PAYTON: Conditional seventh round pick.

MORSTEAD: Sir, that doesn't seem like a fair trade...

PAYTON: (interrupting) That's cause I didn't lay out the specs, Thomas. If Jeremy here bones a hooker, the Dolphins give $500,000 in cash considerations. It goes up to $1 million if he bangs a hooker. $2 million if he bangs a hooker, kills her, then buries the body like in that crappy movie starring Christian Slater, Jeremy Piven and Jon Favreau.


PAYTON: Annnnnnd...if he knocks up a cheerleader, we owe them a draft pick in 2013. But if he sleeps with J-Lo, we owe three draft picks over the next three years. However, if J-Shock manages to get a cameo on Showtime's Dexter next season, our draft pick gets upgraded to a fifth rounder. And if he adds a tattoo of Cuba's flag on his ass, we get some more cash considerations.

MORSTEAD: This can't be happening...

SHOCKEY: Come here, you big footed goof.

(Jeremy throws his arm around Thomas' shoulder and walks him down the hall.)

SHOCKEY: Look, when a team wins the Super Bowl, their coach gets to make a few 'I'm Keith Hernandez' decisions. It happens. Tom Coughlin tried hooking a Nintendo joystick up to the Statue of Liberty to re-enact the finale of Ghostbusters 2.


SHOCKEY: No. Not really. Point is...I get to bang some hot trim in Miami Beach.


SHOCKEY: But hey, buck up, kiddo. Coach Payton is only doing this for his family. Sure, he may or may not be as emotionally as invested in this place as Drew Brees. But honestly, who the fuck really is? And do you think Coach Payton enjoys putting his kids out there in the public square?

MORSTEAD: They're not public figures.

SHOCKEY: Do you realize how much crap they have to deal with at school? If the Saints lose, it's "Why doesn't your dad run the ball more?" But if they win, it's "can 26 of us come over this week to swim in the pool shaped like the Lombardi Trophy?" Kids shouldn't have to deal with that. Coach wants the kids to have a normal life. Now, I know it's Texas, and those weirdoes give me the creeps. But hey, who am I to judge?

MORSTEAD: Yeah, I guess you're right.

SHOCKEY: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my vast array of glass dildoes. I hear them Miami broads fucking love that shit.

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