Movin' Out: The Payton Parallax

INT. SAINTS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Coach Sean Payton closes a suitcase and puts some personal effects into a cardboard box.


PAYTON: Well, this was fun. Sure was odd that I had clothes and personal items to pack at the office, though. Oh well, I'll have the place in the city to put some of this stuff around draft time.

There's a slight rap at the door. Thomas Morstead meekly sticks his head in the room.


MORSTEAD: Can I come in, Coach?

PAYTON: Sure thing, Thomas. C'mon in. What can I do for you?

MORSTEAD: Well, Coach, all this talk about you moving has me worried.

PAYTON: Don't worry, Thomas. I'm going to stay in NOLA during the football season. Well, except for maybe the bye week. I'll probably go back to Dallas for that.

MORSTEAD: Please don't go to Dallas, sir!! You can't leave the franchise high and dry like this!!


PAYTON: Calm down. I'm not leaving the team. I'm not taking another job. (mutters) Not that anything's been offered to me anyway, thanks a lot, Mr. Jerry Jones...

MORSTEAD: But Coach, Saints fans are awfully provincial.

PAYTON: Thomas, I have to do what's best for my family, you know?

MORSTEAD: Coach, as somebody who attended SMU, I can tell you that people in Texas don't like Louisiana. And folks here sure don't like Texans, especially those residing in the greater Dallas/Ft. Worth area.

PAYTON: Thomas, I'm not really interested in playing provincial politics.

MORSTEAD: What about your book, hmmmm, coach? That part where you said you had to be "all in" and you needed to be here to coach the team and you were glad you did?

PAYTON: Thomas, that's just the way this stuff works: win a Super Bowl, have some dude ghost write a book for you in which you trot out these platitudes about being "one with the city" blah blah blah. Between you and me, I'd have stayed in Dallas if Loomis would've let me. But there were extenuating circumstances.

MORSTEAD: Such as?

PAYTON: Such as...this was my first head coaching gig and I didn't want to look like a total asshole by NOT moving to the city. Look, I guided this team to a Super Bowl. A Super Bowl, for Christ's sakes! Am I not entitled to live where I want? We're still gonna kick ass in the 2012 season! I got some store credit here, and I intend to use it!

MORSTEAD: Well, this is the only major change of the off-season, right?

PAYTON: Absolutely. (Long dramatic pause.) Well...

MORSTEAD: Well what, sir?

PAYTON: I mean, this is the most recent thing to happen this off-season.

MORSTEAD: What else happened?

PAYTON: You mean, aside from Drew's off-season surgery?

MORSTEAD: What off-season surgery? I thought you said he wouldn't need surgery!

PAYTON: That was for the papers. After that schmuck Kenny Wilkerson and that wonk from that weak-ass blog "broke" the story about Drew's knee, we were in full damage control.

MORSTEAD: I always thought Saints bloggers had a certain rakish charm...

PAYTON: (interrupting) Whatever. I'd managed to taper things down about the Argentinian goat ligaments being grafted inside Drew's knee, until Heath Evans decided to open his big mouth after the season.

MORSTEAD: What, so what happened to Drew's knee now?

PAYTON: His knee? Take a look at the new and improved Drew Brees! (pushes intercom button.) Drew, c'mon in here for a second.

(Wall caves in as a Drew Brees enters.)


DREW-209: What can I do for you, Coach? Got a reporter you need me to silence? I gotta stop at the house and make a quick change, though. I converted the cannons into nail guns and I was using them to build Habitat houses at a breakneck pace.

PAYTON: No, I don't need you to kill anybody at the moment. I just wanted Thomas here to see that change isn't all bad.

DREW-209: Oh yeah, it's great, Thomas. And what'll you see what Coach did for Jabari Greer's shoulder!

MORSTEAD: Wait, what?

PAYTON: C'mon in, Jabari!


JABARI: What up, people!

MORSTEAD: Coach, is that the shoulder cannon from Predator?

PAYTON: Yep. Got it from the Defense Department when we visited DC last year. Winning a Super Bowl has its advantages, Thomas. Proves you know how to make good decisions. Which is why I traded Jeremy Shockey.

MORSTEAD: YOU WHAT?

PAYTON: Yep, traded him to the Miami Dolphins.


SHOCKEY: The Shockmeister gonna put his Shock Stick in some Cuban immigrants this summer!!! HOLLA AT YA BOY!!!!

MORSTEAD: What'd we get for Mr. J-Shock, Coach?

PAYTON: Conditional seventh round pick.

MORSTEAD: Sir, that doesn't seem like a fair trade...

PAYTON: (interrupting) That's cause I didn't lay out the specs, Thomas. If Jeremy here bones a hooker, the Dolphins give $500,000 in cash considerations. It goes up to $1 million if he bangs a hooker. $2 million if he bangs a hooker, kills her, then buries the body like in that crappy movie starring Christian Slater, Jeremy Piven and Jon Favreau.

MORSTEAD: Okay...

PAYTON: Annnnnnd...if he knocks up a cheerleader, we owe them a draft pick in 2013. But if he sleeps with J-Lo, we owe three draft picks over the next three years. However, if J-Shock manages to get a cameo on Showtime's Dexter next season, our draft pick gets upgraded to a fifth rounder. And if he adds a tattoo of Cuba's flag on his ass, we get some more cash considerations.

MORSTEAD: This can't be happening...


SHOCKEY: Come here, you big footed goof.

(Jeremy throws his arm around Thomas' shoulder and walks him down the hall.)

SHOCKEY: Look, when a team wins the Super Bowl, their coach gets to make a few 'I'm Keith Hernandez' decisions. It happens. Tom Coughlin tried hooking a Nintendo joystick up to the Statue of Liberty to re-enact the finale of Ghostbusters 2.

MORSTEAD: Really?

SHOCKEY: No. Not really. Point is...I get to bang some hot trim in Miami Beach.

MORSTEAD: Oh.

SHOCKEY: But hey, buck up, kiddo. Coach Payton is only doing this for his family. Sure, he may or may not be as emotionally as invested in this place as Drew Brees. But honestly, who the fuck really is? And do you think Coach Payton enjoys putting his kids out there in the public square?

MORSTEAD: They're not public figures.

SHOCKEY: Do you realize how much crap they have to deal with at school? If the Saints lose, it's "Why doesn't your dad run the ball more?" But if they win, it's "can 26 of us come over this week to swim in the pool shaped like the Lombardi Trophy?" Kids shouldn't have to deal with that. Coach wants the kids to have a normal life. Now, I know it's Texas, and those weirdoes give me the creeps. But hey, who am I to judge?

MORSTEAD: Yeah, I guess you're right.

SHOCKEY: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my vast array of glass dildoes. I hear them Miami broads fucking love that shit.

Payton and Whisenhunt in a battle of the minds!!!

('24'-style voice over: The following takes place between 7 p.m. and 7:10 p.m. on Friday, January 15.)

INT. GAME SHOW SET

(Coaches Sean Payton and Ken Whisenhunt are standing behind podiums, facing one another on a dimly lit stage. Pat Kiernan stands between them, wearing a dapper suit.)


PAT: And welcome back to the World Series of Pop Culture, folks! We are here for the final round of this epic contest between coaches Sean Payton and Ken Whisenhunt, to determine who truly has the right mojo leading their team into their upcoming Divisional Round playoff game!

(Crowd applauds.)

PAT: Now, here are the rules for this final round, in which all points are quadrupled, effectively rendering the previous six rounds meaningless...Okay, we're going to have a duel of pop culture awesomeness!!! Each coach will take turns saying something that he thinks has pop culture awesomeness. The other coach will then try to top him with something HE thinks is more awesome. Sounds easy, but it's quite difficult. First one to five points wins. Are you ready, Coach Whisenhunt?


KEN: Uh, yeah, sure.

PAT: What say you, then?

KEN: Um...Courtney Cox's dance moves in the "Dancing in the Dark" video?



PAT: Coach Payton, your rebuttal?


SEAN: Let's see...I'll go with Bruce Springsteen's crotch slide during the Super Bowl 43 half time show.



PAT: Point for Coach Sean Payton!!!!

(Crowd applauds.)

PAT: Coach Payton, you're move?

SEAN: Okay. I'll go with Rex Ryan's bombastic locker room tirades.

PAT: Coach Whisenhunt, what say you?

KEN: Hmmm...I'll say Trying to prove that Mark Sanchez is a competent quarterback!

PAT: Point for Sean Payton! Sorry, Ken, but nobody's buying that Sanchez bullshit anytime soon. But hey, you're leading off Round 3, so here's your chance to play catch up!

KEN: I'll go with the big thing on the internet at the moment and say that old dude on American Idol singing "Pants On The Ground."



SEAN: Pat, this one's easy. I'll take Jimmy Fallon's nonsensical cover of "Pants On The Ground" as Neil Young.



PAT: Folks, that is a winner-winner chicken dinner for Coach Sean Payton!!! 3-0, Coach Payton! Come on, Coach Whisenhunt, you've gotta put up a better fight than this!

KEN: Um, look, I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

SEAN: Quit being a puss, Ken, it's a fun little diversion before the game. I mean, it's not the Saints are gonna smoke the Cards this bad. I mean, ALL THE ANALYSTS AND TALKING HEADS say you guys have the momentum coming into the SuperDome. Nevermind the fact that Kurt Warner's 0-2 here. You guys are gonna be near impossible to beat, according to the former players who now have fashionistas picking out their suits for television. Come on, let's keep playing.

KEN: Alright fine.

PAT: Coach Payton...you lead us off in Round 4.

SEAN: Simple. Jimmy Kimmel doing his entire late night show as Jay Leno, only to appear on Leno's prime time show the next night and absolutely crush him again....

PAT: Coach Whisenhunt, your response...?

KEN: Uh...Hmmm...let me think...Gimme a minute...

(Buzzer sounds.)

PAT: Oh, I'm sorry, Coach Ken, time's up. Coach Payton gets the point. You need to win this one to avoid the sweep. You need a good pop culture reference here to keep it competitive.

KEN: Okay, I'm busting out the big guns for this one: Kurt Warner drawing Jesus.

PAT: Coach Payton?

SEAN: Four words, Pat: WHERE. THE. LEPRECHAUN. AT.



PAT: CLEAN SWEEP for Sean Payton!!! 5-0 for the Saints' coach!

KEN: What?!? That clip is like three years old!!! I demand Coach Payton come up with something more recent!

SEAN: Okay, Ken, you asked for it. Three words: CAT. RAPING. PUNTER.

KEN: The fuck's a "cat raping punter?" Who's a cat raping punter? There's a punter in the league that rapes cats?!? The fuck is that, Sean?

SEAN: Pat?

PAT: Coach Ken, it's a perfectly acceptable pop culture reference. In fact, had Coach Payton gone with that one from the get go, the judges probably would have awarded him the contest then and there. I'm sorry, but you lost.

KEN: Dang it!

What to endorse...?

(Int. Saints facility on Airline Highway.)


FUJITA: Aw, I am so looking forward to pounding Mark Sanchez into the field turf this weekend! Nothing could be better!

(Fujita walks into a computer room for the players and sits at a terminal.)

FUJITA: Well, let me just check my email here before hitting the weight room...(Eyes widen.) Holy shit!! Hate mail?!?!? What the fuck? Didn't we prevent the Bills from scoring an offensive touchdown? What did I do wrong?

(The Shockmeister pops his head up over the monitor. He's wearing a headset.)


J. SHOCK: What'd you expect, Brosef? "No, I'm not talking to you guys. Hang on." (J. Shock takes his headset off.) Sorry about that, Scottie 2 Hottie, I was just toggling between playing Left 4 Dead, dissecting Jennifer's Body on the message boards and watching the new trailer for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. Did you know they got that dude from Bad News Bears to play Freddy Kruger? Fucking sweet, yo!

FUJITA: Yeah, that's great, Jeremy. But what's up with all this hate mail?

J. SHOCK: Dude, you broke the fourth wall.

FUJITA: Huh?

J. SHOCK: You mentioned the third rail.

FUJITA: What?

J. SHOCK: You talked about the gheys, Bro-Hamm.

FUJITA: Oh.

(Another Saints player, sitting at a monitor next J. Shock, sticks his head up over the wall. He is also wearing a headset.)


TOMMY: Yeah, can't do that, Scott. I'm a fucking rookie punter and even I know better than that.

FUJITA: But why not? Don't people care?

J. SHOCK: Course people care, "Dred" Scott, but the kinds a people who're gonna be emailing and commenting on this are pretty fervent on the issue.

FUJITA: How you know what "fervent" means?

J. SHOCK: Shut up.

TOMMY: Look, you gotta find a safe issue. Something that everyone can get behind.

FUJITA: I don't understand...

(Drew Brees ducks his head in.)


BREES: Take me for instance, Scott. I support foundations for the zoo and aquarium. Everybody loves animals and fish. I also do stuff for the USO, because everybody loves the soldiers.

J. SHOCK: The mighty Shockmeister goes around the world teaching the soldiers how to run the "Eiffel Tower" on a chick.

BREES: Anywho...I also take kids out fishing on a "Big Brothers" trip. And...I help build Habitat for Humanity houses.

FUJITA: Jesus, Drew! How do you manage all that?

BREES: Uh, cause I'm awesome?

(Drew walks out of the computer lab.)

FUJITA: That still doesn't help me. Of course people love charities. I'm talking about a serious human issue.

(Coach Sean Payton walks in.)


PAYTON: You wanna talk about a human rights issue? How 'bout preventing people from getting Chinese dry wall!! That is a SERIOUS violation of human health standards!

(Crickets chirping.)

PAYTON: All right, fuck you guys, I'll be in the film room.

(Payton leaves.)

TOMMY: Look, Scott, the problem is...we're athletes. Glorified entertainers. People don't want us to voice an opinion on anything unless it's about next week's game.

FUJITA: Yeah, but I already endorse some used car lots with Bobby Hebert.

J. SHOCK: Different thing. Nobody gives two shits about used cars. Well, except maybe Kurt Russell.

FUJITA: But then why do politicians court celebrities and public figures for their message?

TOMMY: You want me to handle this one, Shockmeister?

J. SHOCK: Do your thing, Puntmaster Flex.

TOMMY: Cause it's all a big ole hypocritical bullshit mess. Nobody wants to hear what some "Hollywood type" says about an issue unless it's something they already agree with. Obviously, the environmental folk want somebody who drives an electric or hybrid car, and the "gay marriage" folk want somebody who's in favor of it.

J. SHOCK: Personally, I could give two fucks about it, long as they ain't touching my dong.

TOMMY: How eloquent.

FUJITA: But I mean, it's like you can't even mention gay marriage without people shitting a collective brick on message boards.

J. SHOCK: It's the price we pay to make millions and score pussy all the time, dude.

FUJITA: But this is a serious issue!

TOMMY: Sorry, Scott. Look, maybe in the future people might be a little more enlightened or understanding or whatever the heck you wanna call it, but until then, all people care about with us is whether or not we win. Hell, if we make the playoffs or something, maybe you could try and mention something again. In the meantime, I suggest you stick to product endorsements.

J. SHOCK: Yeah, dude, you should totally endorse some sunglasses or shit!

FUJITA: (Sullen.) Damn...but, what the hell could I possibly slap my name on....?

(D-list celebrity walks into the computer lab.)


ERIK: "ES-TRA-DA."

Well, hello...CARNEY! It's so nice to have you back where you belong!

(Sean Payton is in his office with Mickey Loomis. They are both waiting for someone.)

SEAN: Well, Mickey, I think we bought some goodwill from the fans with this one.


MICKEY: I don't know how much goodwill, per say, but it should make a few folks happy.

SEAN: Are you kidding, Mickey? This is a fantastic thing we're doing here! I already expressed regret to the public about letting him go, now we get to bring him back for the possibility of playing again! I dropped him for a guy who couldn't consistently make field goals for us.

MICKEY: You mean Taylor Mehlhaff?

SEAN: No, the other guy.

MICKEY: Oh, Martin Gramatica?

SEAN: No. The OTHER guy.

MICKEY: Wait, you mean Garrett?

SEAN: Shut up, Mickey. Can we not talk about him right now? I'm talking about Olindo Mare.

MICKEY: Hey, I'd almost forgotten all about him. Man, I can't believe we brought that guy onboard just for an extra five or ten yards on kickoffs.

SEAN: Tell me about it.

MICKEY: I mean, yeah, we had a Pro Bowl-caliber kicker on our roster who was getting up in age but could still make just about everything from inside 40, and we let him go.

SEAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...thanks a bunch for reminding me, Mickey.

MICKEY: Still...it has been two years since he played with us. I hope he still has it...

SEAN: Oh, come on, this is a can't lose situation for us. He went to the Pro Bowl last year!

(The office phone rings. Sean Payton hits a button to answer it.)

SEAN: Yes?

VOICE: Mr. Payton, a Mr. John Carney is here to see you.

SEAN: Good, send him in.

(Sean Payton hits another button to hang the phone up.)

MICKEY: Do you want to do all the talking?

SEAN: No, feel free to jump in.

(Door opens. Creepy music flows in.)





THE CARNEY: Well, hello there, youngins! Mind if I set me on this chair a spell? My sacroiliac been acting up again...

SEAN: Uh, hi John...Um, how've you been?

THE CARNEY: Oh, don't get me started, Coach. I got the gout, the droopsies, I'm going to the bathroom four or five times a night, vision in my left eye is kinda blurry, I

SEAN: But...uh...your legs and feet are okay though?

THE CARNEY: Oh, sure, I'm just as viral as ever below the waist, coach.

SEAN: I think you meant "virile." John.

THE CARNEY: I'm sorry, what? Can't hear so good outta my ears these days.



MICKEY: (Shakes head) Fuck. Um, Coach Payton, could I have a word with you?

SEAN: Sure. John, would you mind giving us a minute of privacy?

THE CARNEY: Certainly. I'll just turn off my hearing aids. And if you can turn your backs if you're worried I might be lip reading.

MICKEY: Thanks, John.

(Mickey and Sean turn their backs to The Carney and have a private conversation.)

SEAN: Look, I still say it's a good PR move. I mean, we're gonna be dumping some dead weight soon anyway, this'll really get the fans on our side coming out of the gate.

MICKEY: This guy's 75-years-old! Man's got no tread left on his tires!

SEAN: You trying to make a cheap 'Cash for Clunker' joke, Mickey?

MICKEY: For fuck's sake, Sean, the guy's a walking pandemic. If he comes onboard and shanks an easy field goal, Jim Henderson might have an aneurysm live on the air!

(The Carney stands up and coughs.)



THE CARNEY: Oh guys, by the way, if you do want to sign me, I'm gonna need the following prescriptions filled immediately: Lexapro, Plavix, Fosamax, Flomax, Viagra, Lantus, Concerta, Glycolax, and Yaz.

SEAN: Jeez.

MICKEY: I stand by my previous statement of "Fuck," Coach. Your move.

(Ed. note: These little vignettes are inspired by the guys at KSK. Just wanted to make sure I'm covering my bases.)