I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.
Why wait until week 5? Cause I don't do that preseason poll horseshit. Leave that to the NCAA's of the world...
32. St. Louis Rams (0-4): No name receivers who couldn't catch a fucking cold in that disease movie.
31. Miami Dolphins (0-4): REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! (writes $10 check to Wang for use of insult.)
30. Minnesota Vikings (1-4)
29. Denver Broncos (1-4)
28. Arizona Cardinals (1-4)
27. Indianapolis Colts (0-5)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4)
25. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3)
24. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
23. Carolina Panthers (1-4)
22. Chicago Bears (2-3)
21. Philadelphia Eagles (1-4)
20. Cleveland Browns (2-2): That's right. CLEVELAND is BETTER than Philly. Deal with it.
19. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
18. New York Jets (2-3): Admiral Checkdown...
17. Atlanta Falcons (2-3): ...Please meet Captain Checkdown.
16. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2): Still not buying this.
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-1): DEFINITELY not buying this.
13. Tennessee Titans (3-2): ABSOLUTELY not buying this.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
11. New York Giants (3-2)
10. Houston Texans (3-2): God damn, really? THESE GUYS are ranked tenth? This must be a down year for the parity of the league or something...
9. San Diego Chargers (4-1)
8. Oakland Raiders (3-2): "AH THE RAY-DUH-UHS!" - Chris Berman voice
7. San Francisco 49ers (4-1): Are we sure that's really Alex Smith under center?
6. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): I wouldn't trust Joe Flacco to win a game on his own, per say, but the team is still dominant.
5. New England Patriots (4-1): New England's defense blows. Their offense is going to have to bail them out of EVERY game this season...whoa, where have I heard/read/said that before???
4. Detroit Lions (5-0): This D-Line will be giving me nightmares. I need some of Drew Brees' NyQuil to get to sleep.
3. Buffalo Bills (5-0): These guys have an opportunistic defense and an offense that can score points and not screw up at vital moments. Imagine a scenario in which the Bills and Lions make the playoffs. Now potentially add the Bengals. We've reached CRITICAL MASS!
2. New Orleans Saints (4-1): Lingering, mother fuckers. Just lingering...
1. Green Bay Packers (5-0): Championship belt, folks.