Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth.
MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5) 31. Buffalo Bills (0-5) 30. Cleveland Browns (1-4) 29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why. 28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2) 27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO. 26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people! 25. Oakland Raiders (2-3) 24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record. 23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3) 22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) 21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?
JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders? 19. Denver Broncos (2-3) 18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2) 17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week. 16. Miami Dolphins (2-2) 15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again. 14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2) 13. New Orleans Saints (3-2) 12. Houston Texans (3-2) 11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.
KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2) 9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record. 8. Tennessee Titans (3-2) 7. New York Giants (3-2) 6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2) 5. New England Patriots (3-1) 4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1) 3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now. 2. New York Jets (4-1) 1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)
BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.
Back when I used to write for a certain news station in the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area, I wanted to come up with a way bust people's balls for doing asinine things in the world of sports. Obviously, I didn't care enough to write 600 words on JUST Big Ben being an idiot for not wearing a helmet that time he got into a motorcycle accident. I wanted to get in, do my damage, and get out. Since there will never be a shortage of jackassery in sports, I figured I had a readymade column to turn in on a weekly basis. I even had a name for it: Schmuck of the Week.
Schmuck of the Week ran for only four or five entries, though. Why? I go to work one day and my supervisor/department head tells me, "Kevin, you can't call it 'Schmuck of the Week' anymore. (So-so) says 'schmuck' means 'penis' in Yiddish and we can't have that on our website."
I took it in stride.
"Are you fucking kidding me, (name redacted)?!? This is bullshit!"
I attempted to argue that schmuck had taken on other meanings in modern American society, like "fool," "idiot," "someone who is asinine," etc. That didn't work. I think I called it something else for one week and stopped it entirely. If I couldn't call it Schmuck of the Week, especially if it was due to some bullshit complaint by a coworker, then why bother writing it? There's principalities in this!!
So now that I've had this blog thing running for a couple years, it occurred to me, "why not dust off the old bit?" But Kevin, you're probably saying, you run a blog now. Why not call it something more vulgar, like "Fucking fuckhead of the Week?" No, that's not the point. Schmuck of the Week is what I was denied calling it, so Schmuck of the Week is what I WILL call it, now and forever.
Here's how it works: if somebody in the sports world acts like a jackass, says something asinine, does something that causes the rest of us to face palm, then they are eligible to be included in this group. Like the old column, I don't really decide on a winner, per say; all these jackasses are winners in their own right and deserve a fair share of the spite spotlight.
Here goes nothing....
Chris Berman's mustache
Super Mario called...what'd you do with Princess Toadstool?!?
Ines Sainz...and everyone else
I'm not saying this woman "had it coming" or "deserved it." Nope. That'd make ME the asshole. However, what Hottie McHotTits over here needs to understand (if she didn't before) is that you cannot legitimately claim to be a professional sports reporter and dress like that. Go work for Extra or E! or some shit if you want to dress like that. In the same breath, you don't need to wear a potato sack, either. You're a hot ass lady; you can wear many, many things without looking like you're about to hit up a singles bar in Miami Beach.
Reggie, I'll defend you when people say you're a bust. Hell, I'm even willing to overlook that goddamn "Bush Push" when you and Matt Leinart screwed Notre Dame out of a win back in 2005. All because you play for the Black and Gold. But I cannot abide you returning the Heisman Trophy and saying you didn't want to be a distraction to the team one day and another day say, "Now this isn't an admission of guilt." Really? Really, Reggie?!? I can maybe see where you're coming from when you first said you didn't want to be a distraction. But you really missed an opportunity to come clean and make a point about the NCAA's rules.
NFL referees
His hate is strong. If I were a Lions fan, you'd better believe I would have busted that out on some kind of internet radio postgame show. We've now at the point where some fools are starting to blame Calvin Johnson, even after admitting the rule itself needs revising (I'm looking at YOU, Bill Simmons). You know what? Megatron doesn't need to apologize for jack shit. And I heard the NFL was happy as a pig in shit when they heard about this, and they were pleased to come down in support oft the official for making the right call.
And all these goobers in the national sports media keep siting some rule about 'going to the ground' and say the officials were within their right to wave off the touchdown. Guess what, assholes? Jason Lisk over at The Big Lead cracked open the rule book, too. He found rules and bylaws RIGHT NEXT TO THE BULLSHIT RULE that says it could've been ruled a touchdown. So fuck you, the refs, the league and any Chicago Bears fan who doesn't man up and admit that they rightfully should have lost that game.
Okay, we all fucking love Jim Henderson. Hell, this mighty fine blog's named after his most famous radio call. But did you fucking READ his commentary following the Saints-Dolphins game? Did ya fucking READ IT!?!?
I can think of only three logical explanations here...
1. Jim, so overcome in the moment, lost his train of thought and decided to drink the Message Board Guy (copyright Grandmaster Wang) Kool-Aid and suddenly think the '09 Saints could beat the '85 Bears and the '00 Ravens COMBINED.
2. Jim is beginning to show the early signs of dementia.
3. His boss, a New Orleanian by birth who roots for the Pittsburgh "fucking" Steelers (cough**bandwagoner**cough), a man who pissed on Destiny's shoes during the magical 2006 season by helping to come up with the "Black and Gold to the Super Bowl" promos that ran on Channel 4 BEFORE THE FUCKING NFC TITLE GAME, asked him to put "Schmuper Schmowl" at the end of the commentary in a misguided attempt to throw some kind off jinx on the Saints.
Okay, I'm hoping (and betting) that it's Option A. But still...really, Jim? WTF, man? You've been around the block too many goddamn times for this, sir. This is...fuck, I don't even know what to call it. Maybe you got bored. Maybe you needed something else to say instead of a simple "let's enjoy the ride" because it's been said already, I don't know. What I do know is that you don't go up to a pitcher in the midst of a perfect game and tell him how amazing he's looking striking everybody out and remind him what's at stake.
