Sunday, November 6, 2011

NFL Power Rankings (Week 9 - 2011)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-9)
31. St. Louis Rams (1-7)
30. Arizona Cardinals (2-6)
29. Miami Dolphins (1-7): Reg-gie...Reg-gie?
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-6)
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6)
26. Cleveland Browns (3-5): Somebody add "Peyton Hillis" to the "Madden Curse" Wikipedia page!
25. Washington Redskins (3-6): Can we combine Rex Grossman and John Beck to form "Rex Beck"? It's not as cool as "Max Power," but it'll do...
24. Carolina Panthers (2-6)
23. Minnesota Vikings (2-6): Ponder will be a good quarterback for this team in a couple years. As long as AP stays healthy.
22. Denver Broncos (3-5): It's Jesus Boy, jump for joy!
21. San Diego Chargers (4-4): Phillip Rivers has morphed into Aaron Brooks or something...

This game trailer is 13 kinds of amazing. And for the record, my wife is terrified by having to look at skinny Jonah Hill. Oddly enough, she sat through an entire episode of "Allen Gregory," so I don't know what to tell you people.

20. Oakland Raiders (4-4): Look, I think if they play Denver on a neutral field, they'd win. Simple as that.
19. Tennessee Titans (4-4)
18. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4)
17. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5): Not out of the playoff race just yet. But they're getting there...
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4): This team looks ready to implode. They're arguing on the field and on the sideline. Never a good sign. Keep that shit to the locker room. That or just settle it with a pillow fight.

(NOTE: Honestly, I could see every team above this spot making the playoffs in fine style. Nearly half the league. How's THAT for parity?)

15. Dallas Cowboys (4-4)
14. Chicago Bears (5-3): Protect Cutler, good things happen.
13. New England Patriots (5-3)
12. Houston Texans (6-3): Who from the Patriots D is going to stop Foster and Tate, Attorneys-at-Law?
11. Buffalo Bills (5-3)

Never mind how awesome that was ... I want that fucking hoodie! Actually, I should really go all out for one Halloween and dress up as Ezio Auditore. Spend money and everything! (Checks bank account.) Oh. Nevermind. (Kicks rock.)

10. New York Jets (5-3): The AFC East is what we'd like to call "IN FLUX."
9. Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3): Hope my old boss drowned in a pool of his own tears Sunday night. I'm sorry, was the microphone on?
7. Detroit Lions (6-2)
6. New York Giants (6-2)
5. New Orleans Saints (6-3): Real good home team. Shaky road team. Yeah, they'll be a fun bet for the postseason...
4. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2): This is still not a mirage...
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-2): Sweep the Steelers? You're all right in my book. I wipe my taint with the 'Terrible Towel'. There, I said it.
2. San Francisco 49ers (7-1): The two-seed in the NFC is theirs to lose. I have them ahead of the Ravens because their D is actually better. And dare I say it...Alex Smith has looked more consistent this year than Joe Flacco.
1. Green Bay Packers (8-0)

"Like a shotgun, needs an outcome / I'm your prostitute / You gonna get some"

Wise words. Wise woman.

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