Sunday, August 16, 2009

Well, hello...CARNEY! It's so nice to have you back where you belong!

(Sean Payton is in his office with Mickey Loomis. They are both waiting for someone.)

SEAN: Well, Mickey, I think we bought some goodwill from the fans with this one.

MICKEY: I don't know how much goodwill, per say, but it should make a few folks happy.

SEAN: Are you kidding, Mickey? This is a fantastic thing we're doing here! I already expressed regret to the public about letting him go, now we get to bring him back for the possibility of playing again! I dropped him for a guy who couldn't consistently make field goals for us.

MICKEY: You mean Taylor Mehlhaff?

SEAN: No, the other guy.

MICKEY: Oh, Martin Gramatica?

SEAN: No. The OTHER guy.

MICKEY: Wait, you mean Garrett?

SEAN: Shut up, Mickey. Can we not talk about him right now? I'm talking about Olindo Mare.

MICKEY: Hey, I'd almost forgotten all about him. Man, I can't believe we brought that guy onboard just for an extra five or ten yards on kickoffs.

SEAN: Tell me about it.

MICKEY: I mean, yeah, we had a Pro Bowl-caliber kicker on our roster who was getting up in age but could still make just about everything from inside 40, and we let him go.

SEAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...thanks a bunch for reminding me, Mickey.

MICKEY: has been two years since he played with us. I hope he still has it...

SEAN: Oh, come on, this is a can't lose situation for us. He went to the Pro Bowl last year!

(The office phone rings. Sean Payton hits a button to answer it.)

SEAN: Yes?

VOICE: Mr. Payton, a Mr. John Carney is here to see you.

SEAN: Good, send him in.

(Sean Payton hits another button to hang the phone up.)

MICKEY: Do you want to do all the talking?

SEAN: No, feel free to jump in.

(Door opens. Creepy music flows in.)

THE CARNEY: Well, hello there, youngins! Mind if I set me on this chair a spell? My sacroiliac been acting up again...

SEAN: Uh, hi John...Um, how've you been?

THE CARNEY: Oh, don't get me started, Coach. I got the gout, the droopsies, I'm going to the bathroom four or five times a night, vision in my left eye is kinda blurry, I

SEAN: But...uh...your legs and feet are okay though?

THE CARNEY: Oh, sure, I'm just as viral as ever below the waist, coach.

SEAN: I think you meant "virile." John.

THE CARNEY: I'm sorry, what? Can't hear so good outta my ears these days.

MICKEY: (Shakes head) Fuck. Um, Coach Payton, could I have a word with you?

SEAN: Sure. John, would you mind giving us a minute of privacy?

THE CARNEY: Certainly. I'll just turn off my hearing aids. And if you can turn your backs if you're worried I might be lip reading.

MICKEY: Thanks, John.

(Mickey and Sean turn their backs to The Carney and have a private conversation.)

SEAN: Look, I still say it's a good PR move. I mean, we're gonna be dumping some dead weight soon anyway, this'll really get the fans on our side coming out of the gate.

MICKEY: This guy's 75-years-old! Man's got no tread left on his tires!

SEAN: You trying to make a cheap 'Cash for Clunker' joke, Mickey?

MICKEY: For fuck's sake, Sean, the guy's a walking pandemic. If he comes onboard and shanks an easy field goal, Jim Henderson might have an aneurysm live on the air!

(The Carney stands up and coughs.)

THE CARNEY: Oh guys, by the way, if you do want to sign me, I'm gonna need the following prescriptions filled immediately: Lexapro, Plavix, Fosamax, Flomax, Viagra, Lantus, Concerta, Glycolax, and Yaz.

SEAN: Jeez.

MICKEY: I stand by my previous statement of "Fuck," Coach. Your move.

(Ed. note: These little vignettes are inspired by the guys at KSK. Just wanted to make sure I'm covering my bases.)

No comments: