Thursday, September 3, 2009

The People Versus Usama Young

(Scene: The Harahan Chamber of Commerce. The chamber is packed with dozens of people. Several members of the Saints roster are up in the balcony.)

(A baliff walks into the chamber.)

BALIFF: All rise! The honorable Judge Michael Hunt presiding!

(Judge Hunt enters and sits at the bench.)

JUDGE: Order, order! I would like to remind everyone that is not a trial in the legal sense of the word. Hell, this isn't even an informal hearing. I mean, we're at the Harahan Chamber of Commerce for Christ's sake! However, due to some ridiculous bylaws, I can actually render a decision that actually will be upheld! Ah...sweet, justice!

Now, Mr. Young, I would like to read a number of complaints lodged against you in light of your recent arrest. Of course, these are in no way admissible as evidence in a real court of law, but since this might as well be the court of public opinion, and he who screams loudest usually wins, I'm gonna allow it...

The following comments have been rendered by Saints fans in the last 24 hours against Mr. Young:

"He jus be trying to pulla O.J Simplton act."

"Break both of Usama's legs and let him see what it's like to be handicapped. Then he can park in a special place."

"did y'all see all the appearances he was making on behalf of the Saints on First Take and the NFL Network? He came across as a really nice guy, I guess it was all a front. You can't park in a handicapped space no matter what and being out at that hour and speeding in Harahan is really, really stupid. Like slumbyball said, my respect level for this doosh bag went down a lot. what an idiot!"

"What an idiot. Saints- get rid of this clown!!!"

"This won't be the last you'll hear of this bonehead and his screw ups. Stay tuned. This is only the beginning."

JUDGE: Never mind the fact that most of the opinions unearthed regarding this incident appear to have been written by fourth-graders, Mr. Young, the point is people are mighty pissed off about you leading authorities on some sort of wild chase across our fair city...

(Usama Young stands up.)

USAMA: Your honor, I wish to object. I did not lead authorities on any such "wild chase." I pulled over less than half a mile after the policeman turned on his siren lights.

JUDGE: Mr. Young, that is 2,639 feet longer than you should driven!

USAMA: So you're telling me I should have just slammed on my breaks and hoped the cop wouldn't plow into the back of my car?

JUDGE: Precisely. And let's not forget you were driving around at 3:14 a.m.! On a weekday, no less! We got kids going to school later that morning! What were you thinking?!?!?

USAMA: Uh...

JUDGE: Never you mind, Mr. Young! Now, do you have anyone here willing to speak on your behalf?

USAMA: Excuse me, your honor?

JUDGE: Do you have any character witnesses? People who can testify that you're a fine, upstanding young man who shouldn't get sent to the clink for this little transgression?

USAMA: Ummm...

(CUT TO: Three minutes later.)

JUDGE: State your name.

MORSTEAD: Thomas Morstead, Esquire, sir.

JUDGE: And you know the defendant?

MORSTEAD: You bet I do!

JUDGE: Could you elaborate for me?

MORSTEAD: When I first moved to New Orleans, I needed all sorts of help unloading all my Hello Kitty and Thundercats merchandise, and Usama was only too happy to help me!

JUDGE: Usama?!? Usama?!? THAT's his first name?

MORSTEAD: Of course it is. Did you look at his first name, your honor?

JUDGE: You shut up, cat boy! I'm gonna throw the book at you, you dreadlocked, ter'rist lovin'...

(A certain seersucker suit lovin' tight end bursts through the front doors of the chamber of commerce.)

J-SHOCK: Hold the mutha fucking phone there, yer honor!

(J-Shock walks up to the witness stand.)

J-SHOCK: You need to flee the scene, Punt Boy. Maybe go get your kitty's nails trimmed or something...

MORSTEAD: Absolutely, Mr. Shockey!

(Morstead scampers out the chamber of commerce.)

USAMA: Jeremy, what the hell are you doing? You're gonna get me in worse trouble than I already am!

J-SHOCK: Nonsense, bro-ham! Time to get my Atticus Finch on! Now your honor, I think y'all need to be re-examining this case.

JUDGE: How so?

J-SHOCK: Well, Usama here was only out at 3:14 a.m. I'm sure he had a valid, not illegal reason to be out there, right Usama? I mean, he coulda been just getting out of the late showing of "Inglorious Basterds" at the Elmwood Palace, am-I-right?

USAMA: Jeremy, I was...

J-SHOCK: And another thing...

JUDGE: Mr. Shockey, are YOU ever out that late? Are you in bed at that time?!?

J-SHOCK: Of course, your honorable-ness! J-Shock is ALWAYS in bed at 3:14 in the morning! And home by 5 a.m.! Snap!

JUDGE: Do you have anything else to add?

J-SHOCK: Matter of fact, judge brosef, I do! (Pulls out spectacles and documentation.) As your honor is no doubt aware, the 2000 Census revealed that less than one percent of the Harahan population is black, so maybe the Harahan Police Department, which according to the Police Complaint Center, earned an "F" grade for police misconduct, so maybe the police got a little ansy when they saw a black man driving over the speed limit near the city's golf and country club and decided to hit the lights and see how he reacted.

JUDGE: How dare you impugn the reputation of this police department?!

J-SHOCK: Brah, I'm ain't interested.

JUDGE: Are you telling me that it should be okay for a person to NOT show up for a court date for parking in a handicap spot?

J-SHOCK: Look, J-Shock has banged handicap chicks before just so he could drive 'em around and get the best parking spots, and Usama here was in and out. Look, I'm not asking you to completely forget what he's done, but what I AM asking is that not lock this guy up.

(The judge rubs his imaginary beard.)

JUDGE: Mr. J-Shock, you are absolutely right. (Bangs gavel.) This chamber of commerce finds you not guilty of fleeing from police and orders you to just pay a hefty fine to cover all previous charges. (Bangs gavel.) And you need to get me some season tickets...

USAMA: Not a problem, your honor.

(All the people in the chamber burst into cheers and applause. Usama turns and shakes J-Shock's hand.)

USAMA: Thank you, J-Shock.

J-SHOCK: Oh, this shit ain't over yet. (Points to the doorway, which swings open. Dozens of post office employees come in, dragging large mailbags with them.)

J-SHOCK: Your honor! Your honor! The post office, a branch of the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, declares this man RIGHT here to be the ONE and ONLY Usama Young!!

JUDGE: Uh...since the United States government declares this man to be Usama Young and therefore a good guy, this chamber of commerce will not dispute it. Case dismissed!

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