Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Payton and Whisenhunt in a battle of the minds!!!

('24'-style voice over: The following takes place between 7 p.m. and 7:10 p.m. on Friday, January 15.)


(Coaches Sean Payton and Ken Whisenhunt are standing behind podiums, facing one another on a dimly lit stage. Pat Kiernan stands between them, wearing a dapper suit.)

PAT: And welcome back to the World Series of Pop Culture, folks! We are here for the final round of this epic contest between coaches Sean Payton and Ken Whisenhunt, to determine who truly has the right mojo leading their team into their upcoming Divisional Round playoff game!

(Crowd applauds.)

PAT: Now, here are the rules for this final round, in which all points are quadrupled, effectively rendering the previous six rounds meaningless...Okay, we're going to have a duel of pop culture awesomeness!!! Each coach will take turns saying something that he thinks has pop culture awesomeness. The other coach will then try to top him with something HE thinks is more awesome. Sounds easy, but it's quite difficult. First one to five points wins. Are you ready, Coach Whisenhunt?

KEN: Uh, yeah, sure.

PAT: What say you, then?

KEN: Um...Courtney Cox's dance moves in the "Dancing in the Dark" video?

PAT: Coach Payton, your rebuttal?

SEAN: Let's see...I'll go with Bruce Springsteen's crotch slide during the Super Bowl 43 half time show.

PAT: Point for Coach Sean Payton!!!!

(Crowd applauds.)

PAT: Coach Payton, you're move?

SEAN: Okay. I'll go with Rex Ryan's bombastic locker room tirades.

PAT: Coach Whisenhunt, what say you?

KEN: Hmmm...I'll say Trying to prove that Mark Sanchez is a competent quarterback!

PAT: Point for Sean Payton! Sorry, Ken, but nobody's buying that Sanchez bullshit anytime soon. But hey, you're leading off Round 3, so here's your chance to play catch up!

KEN: I'll go with the big thing on the internet at the moment and say that old dude on American Idol singing "Pants On The Ground."

SEAN: Pat, this one's easy. I'll take Jimmy Fallon's nonsensical cover of "Pants On The Ground" as Neil Young.

PAT: Folks, that is a winner-winner chicken dinner for Coach Sean Payton!!! 3-0, Coach Payton! Come on, Coach Whisenhunt, you've gotta put up a better fight than this!

KEN: Um, look, I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

SEAN: Quit being a puss, Ken, it's a fun little diversion before the game. I mean, it's not the Saints are gonna smoke the Cards this bad. I mean, ALL THE ANALYSTS AND TALKING HEADS say you guys have the momentum coming into the SuperDome. Nevermind the fact that Kurt Warner's 0-2 here. You guys are gonna be near impossible to beat, according to the former players who now have fashionistas picking out their suits for television. Come on, let's keep playing.

KEN: Alright fine.

PAT: Coach lead us off in Round 4.

SEAN: Simple. Jimmy Kimmel doing his entire late night show as Jay Leno, only to appear on Leno's prime time show the next night and absolutely crush him again....

PAT: Coach Whisenhunt, your response...?

KEN: Uh...Hmmm...let me think...Gimme a minute...

(Buzzer sounds.)

PAT: Oh, I'm sorry, Coach Ken, time's up. Coach Payton gets the point. You need to win this one to avoid the sweep. You need a good pop culture reference here to keep it competitive.

KEN: Okay, I'm busting out the big guns for this one: Kurt Warner drawing Jesus.

PAT: Coach Payton?


PAT: CLEAN SWEEP for Sean Payton!!! 5-0 for the Saints' coach!

KEN: What?!? That clip is like three years old!!! I demand Coach Payton come up with something more recent!

SEAN: Okay, Ken, you asked for it. Three words: CAT. RAPING. PUNTER.

KEN: The fuck's a "cat raping punter?" Who's a cat raping punter? There's a punter in the league that rapes cats?!? The fuck is that, Sean?

SEAN: Pat?

PAT: Coach Ken, it's a perfectly acceptable pop culture reference. In fact, had Coach Payton gone with that one from the get go, the judges probably would have awarded him the contest then and there. I'm sorry, but you lost.

KEN: Dang it!

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