Thursday, February 14, 2008

Baseball's other 'dark day'

Forget about Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee's game of 'Who's a Bigger Asshole?' in front of Congress on Tuesday, how easily people forget baseball's REAL dark day:



(Whitey Ford gets "whacked" by pretzels during a Springfield Isotopes game.)

Just as everyone is slowly about to munch in those delicious pretzels, the announcer reveals the winner's name of today's giveaway. The 1997 Pontiac Astrowagon goes to the fan in seat 0001 -- C. Montgomery Burns. No one's happy about this but Mr. Burns and Smithers, and Mr. Burns hops in his new car, which is pelted by the pretzels thrown by the angry, booing crowd.

Announcer #1: And here come the pretzels!

Marge: Oh, no! No, don't do that! You're suppose to be tasting them!

Announcer #2: Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with the crowd for...for some kind of sanity.

Announcer #1: Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious.

Announcer #2: Wow. This is uh... This is a black day for baseball.

In the kitchen, Bart and Homer try to cheer up a much depressed Marge.

Bart: Cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford!

Homer: You could call them Whitey-Whackers.


(Just keeping things in perspective, folks.)

Scoop agrees with me? Suddenly, I need to change my opinion...

First of all, hat tip to The Big Lead for linking me to Fire Jay Mariotti's evisceration of Scoop Jackson for his column in SUPPORT of the Shaq trade.

It's not so much that they disagree with Scoop (which they do), but it's the fact that they rip through his 'anecdotal bullshit' within the column. Pretty nice read.

In other news, the Hornets jumped back atop the Western Conference with a 111-107 victory over the very game Milwaukee Bucks. Hey, their name doesn't mean "the good land" in Algonquin for nothing, people. (Note: Get to the 3:30 mark on the video)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Great break down of the Shaq trade

So after spending the first few days thinking "what the fuck are the Phoenix Suns doing trading for an aging Shaq?" I got to take a few deep breaths and clear my head. Thanks to this excellent piece on HoopsHype by Eddie Johnson, I'm definitely looking the other way.

Simmons had a piece in ESPN the Mag supporting the deal as well, but I found Johnson's column to be far more in-depth.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mickey Loomis, pay this man!

This fun loving cat to your left is Saints' wide receiver Marques Colston. He's set to make a 2008 base salary of $445,000. Since being drafted THIRD TO LAST in the 2006 NFL Draft, Colston has recorded 168 catches, the most by a player in the first two years of his career...EVER.

His numbers, year-by-year:

2006: 70 catches, 1038 yds, 8 TDs
2007: 98 catches, 1202 yds, 11 TDs

He becomes a free agent following the 2008 season. Note to Mickey...don't dilly-dally around (and yeah, I just wrote the words "dilly-dally") and sign this dude before training camp hits. Otherwise, you'll be hearing it from the fans on the drive-by-radio shows and such.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Bobby Knight: LSU Men's Basketball coach


I'm so happy to be the fucking coach of the God Dam LSU Tigers!


All you media assholes can kiss my ass.


You blood sucking media types probably wonder why Skip Bertman would hire me.



You know...since LSU fans hate me after the 1987 and 1981 loses I dealt that freak defense using retard Dale Brown.



Well I'll tell you how I became coach of LSU...I stuffed Bertman in the garbage just like a did that shithead Tiger fan in Philadelphia.



And made myself coach..



Knight points to aluminium can in the back of the room as Bertman struggles to get out.



If you thought John Brady was unlikable, surly, and played a boring brand of hoops..wait till you get a load of me!



The P-Mac will be so empty I'll be able to practice firing off my shotgun at halftime....the downside of that is I probably won't hit anyone...the only thing more fun then hunting is shooting actual people and calling it an accident...Bobby Knight doesn't have Fucking accidents!



With me as coach LSU Basketball will be the same fucking boring, mind numbing experience it is now and there isn't a God Dam thing you can do about it.



It's just like what I told Connie Chung about rape...if there isn't anything you can do about it you should just sit back and enjoy it.



Isn't that right, Dickie V and Digger?



Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps nod in agreement



The General is back baby...Robert Montgomery Knight!



Dick, shut the fuck up...I liked you better when you couldn't talk.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

"And that's why you turn your microphone off!!!"


Look, I'm WAAAY late to the party on this one, but I wanted to make sure I posted it to Hakim Drops the Ball anyway. The Big Lead, Deadspin, Sports by Brooks, etc., you name it...they've split the uprights on this one, folks.

Chris Berman demonstrates how professionals should NOT act. And he maybe has learned one important TV journalism lesson (which I learned in less than a week as a P.A.) ... you DON'T LEAVE YOUR MIC ON!







Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Your final Super Bowl round-up...

Okay, this is the last time we're mentioning the Super Bowl (suck it, Simmons!)...at least until we have that drunken argument with our friends at 1:15 in the morning over whether or not the slow, defensive-minded pace of the second and third quarters takes this game out of the Top 5 all-time Super Bowls. Any who....


Carl from 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' decided to shave his moustache in celebration of the Giants' triumph.

Meanwhile, the boys at HomeStarRunner have a hilarious send-up of half time entertain. ("We played soccer in high school...")

And while I'm at it...I wrote my last column for WWLTV.com about the Super Bowl. I now get to ride off into the sunset...and move to St. Louis.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Forecast: Eli Manning a New York Legend


By Ralph Malbrough

I’ll be honest: I never thought the Giants even had a shot of winning the Super Bowl until David Tyree made the greatest catch ever. Argue that point if you want, but in 30 years people will still be talking about it. Go to YouTube and watch it again. How the hell did he do that?

Watching the game I had the sense of what an old English teacher of mine called ‘tragic inevitability’ when it came to the Giants and Eli Manning. It just seemed like the Patriots and Tom Brady would find a way to escape and attain perfection.

There was no way Eli Manning would win the Super Bowl, until he did. Manning became a New York legend and denied Tom Brady football immortality.

The interesting thing about the game was the simplicity of the Giants plan: grind Tom Brady into the dirt or become road kill. Five sacks and countless hits later, the Giants could say ‘mission accomplished.’

In a strange way I’m even more impressed with Tom Brady. He got the snot beat out of him and yet never made any bad decisions.

Any other quarterback would have turned in an all time bad performance under such constant pressure, but Brady was just slightly less than average.

Perhaps the most interesting thing was the absolute glee everyone outside of New England felt when the Patriots failed to reach 19-0.

On our internet radio show, Kevin Held and I set a record for people in our chat room. Maybe it was a combination of Spygate, Bill Belichick’s generally being a jerk, and New England’s fans combined with ESPN’s Bill Simmons being unbearable that caused the nation to turn against the Patriots?

I’m not sure, all I know is that America is happy we get to listen to the unbearable 1972 Miami Dolphins run their mouths about being the only undefeated team. That in itself is unbelievable, if you’ve ever listened to Mercury Morris for five minutes.

Eli Manning is now a legend in New York. The Big Apple might put their sports stars through the meat grinder, but all you need to do is deliver one time on the big stage and you get a lifetime of worship. Ask Joe Namath.

Is it the biggest upset in Super Bowl history? Probably, but everyone said that some unknown QB named Tom Brady beating the Mighty St. Louis Rams in 2002 was the biggest underdog victory in Super Sunday lore, until Brady won two more Lombardi trophies after that magical night in New Orleans.

Time has a way of deciding what is and what isn’t an historic sports upset. I know a couple of things right now, though:

--We may never see another team come as close to perfection and have most fans rooting against such a magical accomplishment.

--And former Giants general manager Ernie Acorsi was right to trade the San Diego Chargers a king’s ransom for Eli.

It was always easy to predict Eli Manning would be great just like it was easy to see the Giants would shut down the greatest offense in the history of football and use a circus catch to win the Super Bowl.

Yeah, like it’s easy to climb Mount Everest or watch any Lindsey Lohan movie all the way through.

Last night is why America stops to watch the Super Bowl, because we hope we might see something incredible and unexpected.

And we all wanted New England to lose.

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston Texas. He co-hosts an Internet Radio show every week with WWLTV.com's Kevin Held. You can listen to their Super Bowl post game show or download archived versions of the show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/forecastradio.

Or if you want it on your iPod search Forecast Radio on Itunes.

Ralph Malbrough can be emailed at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com


(And one final note: that picture up top was too fucking funny to pass up!!)

Sunday, February 3, 2008

F*ck Bill Simmons!!!!

Hey, Billy Baroo!!! "ELI'S COMING!!!!!!!!"

In the words of Sean Connery, "Suck it, Trebek!"

Seriously, folks, who do you think feels like the bigger asshole right now: Tiki Barber or Bill Simmons? How fast did Tiki call in sick to work for Monday? Ten seconds after the game ended?

Is Simmons on suicide watch right now? Were his buddies banging on the front door looking for to make sure he didn't hang himself in the closet? I betcha Billy's wife answered the door and told everybody, "Guys, I don't know where Bill went." Meanwhile, Billy "Baroo" is locked in the garage, sitting inside his Dodge Stratus with the motor running.

Do you think Bill will pull the same shit he did last year, when he "took some time off" and came back with a lame mailbag and gave a half-assed acknowledgement of the Colts' Super Bowl win?

Wow, Billy boy, FIRST Peyton Manning comes back and beats your Pats when you guys had the game in hand...and NOW...baby brother Eli Manning comes along and beats you guys ON THE BIGGEST STAGE in front of millions!!!

How do you like DEM APPLES, ASSHOLE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Fuck you.

There, I'm done.

For now.

MORE: Charles Grant stabbed...

Good post on Fan Nation about the Charles Grant incident. Biggest new item? The nightclub was NOT in Atlanta. Read more.

Tip of the hat to a commenter who pointed this one out.

BREAKING: Charles Grant stabbed in nightclub

The Saints' defensive end was stabbed in the neck and a pregnant woman shot to death at an Atlanta nightclub Saturday evening. Holy shit. Grant was not seriously injured, though, but the immediate reaction is: WTF?!?!?

It would irresponsible to jump out with the whole "athletes getting into trouble" again storyline....but here are my questions, in no particular order:

--Why was Charles Grant there?
--Who was the woman who was shot and killed? Was she connected to Grant? Why was she there if she was pregnant?
--Who did the stabbing and the shooting? Have they been arrested?
--Where is the nightclub located?
--What lead to the incident?

--Is there anything I'm missing here???

NFL Network's Adam Schefter gets the jump on the story. The Saints said they know about the incident.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Pundits, analysts take Patriots in big numbers

Here's the breakdown of Super Bowl picks by organization. You'll get the idea as you read along:

ESPN.com: Patriots 10, Giants 4

FoxSports.com: Patriots 10, Giants 1

CBSSportsline.com: Not counted because these pussies went with point spreads instead of picking a winner straight up. Douchebags.

SI.com: Patriots 9, Giants 2

Scouts Inc.: Patriots 7, Giants 0

USA Today: Patriots 7, Giants 1