Tuesday roundup: Cowgirls, Sideshow Mel and RADIO SHOW TONIGHT!

The Cowgirls went ahead and traded for Roy Williams but it won't stop their implosion. And remember kids anything bad that happens to other NFC teams is good for the Saints! Grandmaster Wang over at moosedenied is kind of blah about the win . But he's super pumped about Taylor 'Sideshow ' Mehlhaff. Wang we demand a 10,000 word love letter when Taylor hits a 45 yarder to beat the Panthers! Malbrough rambles on about Brees, the Raiders sucking and back rubs. And CCC breaks it all down scientifically .

OH AND RADIO SHOW TONIGHT FOR ALL YOU PODCAST WHORES!

7pm. Kevin and Ralph break down the upcoming Panthers game and maybe even a guest blogger from Carolina.

Listen here

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 6 ed.)

As always, no explanation given for these rankings.

32. Detroit Lions (0-5)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6)
30. Seattle Seahawks (1-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-4)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-4)
26. Houston Texans (1-4)
25. Baltimore Ravens (2-3)
24. Cleveland Browns (2-3)
23. San Francisco 49ers (2-4)
22. Miami Dolphins (2-3)
21. New England Patriots (3-2)
20. Chicago Bears (3-3)
19. Minnesota Vikings (3-3)
18. New York Jets (3-2)
17. New Orleans Saints (3-3)
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)
14. Denver Broncos (3-3)
13. Carolina Panthers (4-2)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
11. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)
10. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
9. San Diego Chargers (3-3)
8. Washington Redskins (4-2)
7. New York Giants (4-1)
6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2)
4. Buffalo Bills (4-1)
3. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1)
1. Tennessee Titans (5-0)

Victory is so sweet fucktards

Well Well Well...you can SUCK IT SAINTS FANS!

The Haz man is BAAAAAACK!

My Rams went Bam upside Jim Zorn's head!

And we did in true HAZ Man team style

10 penalties, only 200 yards of offense with what looks like a game plan I drew up on a napkin on the bus ride to the stadium.

Whatever.

My main man Rick Venturi's defense played a heckava game.

We held that weirdo Clinton Portis to only 129 yards rushing and had those fucking retard indians dropping footballs all over the place.

Plus I found the next Kyle Turley!

Richie Incognito made just like old rioded up Turley by doing something incredibly dump at the end of the game.

WE ARE A WELL OILED MACHINE.

Rick get your head out my ass..where are the fucking cheerleaders?!

No Depressing Music Here, Please!

Let's see if I have this straight: the New Orleans Saints hold the Oakland Raiders' third-ranked running attack to just 85 yards? And force two turnovers, one of which was an interception by...(checks paper)...hold on...(checks a second paper)...I want to make sure I have this right...Ja-son Da-vid?

(Checks online.) And a team coached by Jim Haslett won? With Rick Venturi as the defensive coordinator? And Haslett actually admitted he made a mistake in not benching Aaron Brooks several years ago and starting Jake Delhomme? Yep, we've officially entered bizarro world.

So, where do I start? Oh yeah: Drew Brees is your Most Valuable Player in the NFL through six weeks. With Tom Brady out and Peyton Manning still playing catch-up, Drew Brees is easily the best quarterback in the league. He's putting up great numbers without his starting wide receiver and tight end, and with a running game that still leaves a lot to be desired.

Brees has completed 71 percent of his passes, good for second in the NFL; has thrown for 1,993 yards (first) and is on pace to throw for over 5,300 yards; has a 105 QB rating, again good for tops in the league; has the most completions over 20 and 40 yards, respectively; he's only been sacked six times (fifth best); and has thrown 12 TDs, second behind Brett Favre.

So you need to try and tell me why Drew Brees is not the league's most valuable player. And by "you," I mean the same jackasses who've been going on and on about how Reggie Bush is a "bust."

Since you idiots clearly can't pull your heads out of your collective asses (see: Hochuli, Ed) long enough to understand what Reginald brings to the table, I submit exhibit a -- fantasy stats. I'm in a Yahoo league and--before today's game--Reggie had the third highest total points of any offensive player, behind Jay Cutler and Drew Brees. The only wrinkle in this league is that receptions count for a point, but that's neither here nor there. Factoring in today's game, Reggie leads the NFL in receptions with 41 catches and has eight total touchdowns.

Is Reggie the best running back in the league? No. I'm not trying to make that argument. Hell, I wouldn't even say Reggie is in the top 8 best running backs in the league. (For the record: LT, Westbrook, Peterson, MJD, Gore, Barber, Lynch, and Jackson. I'll even tack on Ronnie Brown and Michael Turner to make it an even ten.) What I'm saying is the following people need to drink themselves a nice, healthy glass of "Shut the fuck up!"

Mike Freeman, CBS Sportsline: Thought I forgot about this one, didn't you, you shit stirrer, you?

Michael David Smith, AOL Sports: Saints show how not to use Reggie Bush, huh? How 'bout you "kiss my Converse?"

Mike Florio, Pro Football Talk: Reggie versus Adrian was just a hype job, eh, Mike? Tell that to the Vikings' punter, dickbag.

From now on, ANYBODY named Mike or Michael with a negative opinion on Reggie Bush can just go cram it up their ass, okay?

As far as everybody else goes...It's Time to Party! Hit it, Andrew!

Why the Fuck did the saints get rid of Olindo Mare?

(Malbrough over at WWLTV.com brings up an interesting point about the Saints kicking game. But remember that Fucktard like Bobblehead. Fuck that guy.)

Now that the Martin Gramatica experience is over, we begin the Taylor Mehlhaff party.

While I really hope all the people that wanted Mehlhaff to win the job can say, “I told you so!” because he becomes the next Morten Andersen, there is no guarantee it will happen.
The Saints kicking game right now is a disaster. Will you have any confidence field goals will be made? And Lord help us if the game is on the line. Until the rookie wins a game with a clutch kick it will be hard to have any faith at all.
This has been Sean Payton’s biggest blunder.
Forget Jason David.
Payton decided to get rid of a Pro Bowl level and clutch kicker in John Carney.
Why?
Better kickoffs.
Carney’s weren’t good enough so in comes Olindo Mare.
He went into probably the worst slump of his career, comes out of it, and then gets injured.
Saints cut him for whatever reason.
By the way, Mare hasn’t missed a kick in 2008 in case you were wondering.
So basically Sean Payton’s handling of the kicking game has made mortgage companies think, “ Does that guy know what he’s doing?”
My attitude on kickers is if they make field goals and game winners like Carney did then I don’t care about how good their kickoffs are.
It’s the other ten guys job to make the tackle, not the kickers job to put the ball in the end zone.
So Sean Payton who I think is a really good coach and been very good on personal overall now finds his team with a fatal flaw at kicker.
And the solution: A rookie.
Cross your fingers people.
On to this weeks games
Last Week: 2-3
Season: 14-11

New Orleans (+7.5) vs. Oakland: I figure this game goes one of two ways. The Saints come out flat and the Raiders run the ball down their throat. JaMarcus Russell has a fantastic homecoming and at 2-4 the Saints are given a toe tag for the 2008 season.
Or the Saints come out mad. Mad at themselves for giving away games, the stupid pre-snap penalties, the bad calls by the refs, and just because they are in the Superdome… mad at the Raiders.
A beating commences and Oakland is dragged from end zone to end zone until all the Saints frustrations over the first five weeks are cleansed. I’ll take the latter. You just know the whole Al Davis firing Lane Kiffin has to blow up in the old man’s face.
The bye week won’t help the Raiders.
Saints 45-13

Tampa Bay (+1.5) vs. Carolina: I’m not really thinking the pathetic Bucs offense can get a win but if they did it would really help the Saints and help tighten up the South.
Come on Jeff Garcia! I know you can complete a pass for more than 10 yards.
Bucs 16-9
Atlanta (+3) vs. Chicago: The Falcons are pretty good. They get after the QB, Matt Ryan doesn’t screw things up, and Michael Turner is a power back. And the Bears won’t score enough.
Falcons 23-17
Miami (+3) at Houston: My friend Brian texted me during Houston’s meltdown, “Like watching the Saints without all the agony.” Indeed. Until Monday against the Vikings. How does Houston recovery from that? Oh and shouldn’t the Dolphins play clips from the movie ‘Wildcats’ every time they break out the formation? Of course they should.
Dolphins 27-3

The Autumn Wind Rolls into the Dome...

When I was in high school, one of my best friends used to joke that if he was ever going to do drugs he'd skip the "Gateway Drug" that is marijuana and go straight to something harsh -- like black tar heroin. Well, after witnessing the Saints' inability to close a third game this season with my own eyes, I'm moving ever closer to become a drug addict. Something has to take away the pain this team is capable of inflicting, right? Hence, your Friday song, "Junkhead" by Alice in Chains:



This song is also appropriate for my brief preview of the Saints' game this Sunday against the Raiders. We're supposed to win this game, right? Right? Just like the game against the Vikings? Or how about that game against the Redskins? The only solace I have in that game is that the Redskins have emerged as one of the second best team in the NFC, behind the New York Giants. In short, we lost to a better team that day. Wish I could say the same thing about that Vikings game, though...

Total Defense: Saints - 351.6 ypg; Raiders - 326 ypg
Run Defense: Saints - 107 ypg; Raiders - 113.2 ypg
Pass Defense: Saints - 244.6 ypg ; Raiders - 212.8 ypg
Points Allowed: Saints - 26 ppg; Raiders - 25.2 ppg

Total Offense: Saints - 406.4 ypg; Raiders - 308 ypg
Run Offense: Saints - 80.6 ypg ; Raiders - 155 ypg
Pass Offense: Saints - 325.8 ypg; Raiders - 153 ypg
Points Scored: Saints - 27.6 ppg ; Raiders - 19.5 ppg

It's critical that the Saints defend against the run...wait a second. The Saints were able to hold Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor to just 40 yards rushing on 24 total attempts. And that meant Gus Frerotte had to beat the Saints in the air, which he did. And now that Tracy Porter is done for the year, we'll be seeing more of Jason David in the secondary. We need to put more guys back in coverage...wait a second. We can't do that either.

The Raiders have the third best running game in the league, with Darren McFadden and Michael Bush splitting carries in the backfield. JaMarcus Russell might have hit his stride in their last game, throwing for 277 yards against the Chargers. And then there's the whole, "let's play really well for a new head coach" theory.

Why do I have a feeling that this will not end well for the Saints? Should I start looking for some shady drug dealer who can hook me up now? Or should I actually wait until 3:01 p.m. to find my smack? Cause I suspect the defense is going to let down the offense big time this week.

Prediction: Raiders 26, Saints 24

Martin, could you come to the office? And bring your playbook, please?

Martin Gramatica, aka 'The Human Bobblehead' and aka 'The Hobbit' and aka 'The Argentine Mule' and aka 'Automatica Gramatica,' is likely going to be phased out before Sunday's game against the Oakland Raiders in favor of rookie Taylor Mehlhaff. He's Canadian, I think.

Seems like Mehlhaff is getting his golden opportunity in the league, and good for him.

So long, Martin, I'll always remember your perm, your celebratory leaps and overreaction to field goals. "Dear Casey, could you play, 'Wayward Son' for my friend, Martin? Thanks, Kevin."

We bid you a fond farewell, Martin:

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 5 ed.)

It's like your College Poll in the newspaper. No analysis, no jokes, just rankings.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5)
31. Detroit Lions (0-4)
30. St. Louis Rams (0-4)
29. Houston Texans (0-4)
28. Seattle Seahawks (1-3)
27. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4)
26. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
25. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
24. San Francisco (2-3)
23. New Orleans Saints (2-3)
22. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)
20. San Diego Chargers (2-3)
19. Green Bay Packers (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3)
17. Atlanta Falcons (3-2)
16. New York Jets (2-2)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3)
14. Baltimore Ravens (2-2)
13. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
12. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
10. Chicago Bears (3-2)
9. New England Patriots (3-1)
8. Denver Broncos (4-1)
7. Buffalo Bills (4-1)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1)
5. Carolina Panthers (4-1)
4. Dallas Cowboys (4-1)
3. Washington Redskins (4-1)
2. Tennessee Titans (5-0)
1. New York Giants (4-0)

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

That's not my "fill in the quote" for the picture with Sean Payton--though I'd gamble it was that, or something similar to it--that's what I said to my friends ad nauseam as we left the Superdome to find the St. Charles streetcar line.

If anyone would have come to me before Monday's game and asked, "Say, Kevin, suppose we can hold the Vikings' to LESS THAN 50 RUSHING YARDS, do you think we can win?" My response would have been as follows: "Not only will we win if that happens, but Brad Childress may be shot on the spot if he can't figure out how to get Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor more than 100 rushing yards total against the Saints' defense."

So apparently...I'm a fucking idiot, but at least Brad "Major Dad" Childress ought to be used for target practice at a skeet shooting meet. Excellent.

Oh, and the Saints also lost Tracy Porter for the year with a wrist injury, meaning we all get to ride The Jason David Experience for the rest of the year. Sheesh.

I am ready to declare the Saints' 2008 season an official wash. That's not the same as declaring your season DOA (see: the St. Louis Rams, Detroit Lions, and Cincinnati Bengals) but rather the acknowledgment that things just have not gone your way and likely will continue in a similar manner, no matter what the team or coaches do. I'm not blaming Sean Payton for this. GM Mickey Loomis gets a pass, too. Even Tom Benson; and all my friends know how much I loathe Tom Benson.

No, when you lose your first two picks of the previous draft, both of whom were starters, and your Pro Bowl-caliber tight end and starting wide out, the number two man on the WR depth chart, etc., then you need to reevaluate your expectations for the season. And my 11-5, we're going to the Super Bowl analysis of the situation just isn't cutting it. So I'm officially LOWERING THE BAR to a 7-9 record in which Drew Brees throws for over 4,000 yards again and Reggie Bush manages to score 15 total offensive touchdowns.

Look, there's not a lot the Saints can do when: a) Ed Hochuli can't seem to pull his head out of his own ass long enough to see a face mask penalty and to know what a fumble looks like, and b) a lot of their starters are missing weeks at a time.

Trust me, Saints fans, Martin Gramatica is the least of our worries right now.

Monday Night Football Recap!!! On a Tuesday...

Yeah, me and the Ralpha-Dog will be hosting "Forecast Radio" Tuesday night at 8 p.m. to go over the Saints-Vikings' game. Ralph is sick and hardly has a voice, I'm in town and don't have access to a computer for immediately after the game, so we've pushed the show back until after I get back to St. Louis.

Hey, it's better than watching that Presidential debate.

Sean Payton's "Degree of Difficulty"

Win without your Pro Bowl caliber wide receiver? Check.

Win without your Pro Bowl accomplished tight end, whom you just acquired this off-season? Check.

Win with one of your starting offensive linemen out due to 'suspension?' Check.

Win with one of your starting defensive linemen out for the year with an injured tricep (whom you later released)? Check.

Win with Jason David actually playing in the secondary? Check.

Win with Sedrick Ellis, your first round pick in the 2008 NFL Draft and part of your revamped, highly-paid defensive line, sitting out with a torn medial meniscus? Uh, not so fast with the "Check" my friend...

SON. OF. A. BITCH!!!!!

Pop Quiz, Assholes...

You got a guy who's on pace to 1,760 total yards of offense and 12 TDs. Do you call that guy a bust? Nope? Okay, well, I just described Reggie Bush. So shut the fuck up, haters.

This story by AOL Sports' Michael David Smith is bad enough, but then the comment brigade comes in and really screws things up.