Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 8 ed.)

No BS, just rankings. Campbell Brown would be proud.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)
31. Detroit Lions (0-7)
30. Oakland Raiders (2-5)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)
26. St. Louis Rams (2-5)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)
23. San Diego Chargers (3-5)
22. Cleveland Browns (3-4)
21. Houston Texans (3-4)
20. Indianapolis Colts (3-4)
19. Miami Dolphins (3-4)
18. New York Jets (4-3)
17. New Orleans Saints (4-4)
16. Denver Broncos (4-3)
15. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)
14. Chicago Bears (4-3)
13. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)
12. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)
11. Green Bay Packers (4-3)
10. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)
9. New England Patriots (5-2)
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3)
7. Dallas Cowboys (5-3)
6. Buffalo Bills (5-2)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)
4. Washington Redskins (6-2)
3. Carolina Panthers (6-2)
2. New York Giants (6-1)
1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)

Saints Win! Ole! Ole-Ole-Ole!

"Thank Christ," I shouted before departing the bar around 3:25 Sunday afternoon. With the Saints victorious, I could fully enjoy the rest of my day just lounging around with nothing to do. Hell, going in to work on Monday would be less of a chore thanks to Brees and company. But the Saints sure as shit didn't make it look easy. Oh, Drew Brees made it look easy; Lance Moore made it look easy; but the Saints defense certainly could not hold up their end throughout.

Was anyone else having flashbacks to Jim Henderson's infamous "How could he DO that?!?" call when Taylor Mehlhafff put an extra point off the upright? I know I was thinking about how such a thing would come back to bite us in the ass. And then there was Sean Payton's "We're up by seven on a fourth and two with just fourteen seconds left. I know, let's have Drew Brees run backward for a safety to cut our lead down to just five points, and THEN we'll kick to the Chargers on a shorter field. It's crazy enough to work!" scheme. Listen, coach, you're up by seven, why in fuck's name do you cut the lead to five and turn the ball over with a shorter field.

Sure, Drew Brees took six seconds off the clock, but why do that when a punt return for a TD is scored the same if there's eight seconds on the clock or even one second on the clock? The average NFL punt hangs in the air for 4.6 seconds, Coach Payton. Since the clock runs from the moment the ball is snapped to the punter, you're adding another second on top of that. So you're putting the ball in Darren Sproles' hands with eight or nine seconds left in the game, same as you did with having Drew Brees run into the end zone for a safety. Plus, you're putting Sproles back further in his own territory then if you had taken the safety, so he's actually got to run further to make up that time...(shakes head).

Look, the Saints won, even though I thought they wouldn't. I'm happy to be wrong.

It's not the Superdome, but it'll do.

New Wembley Stadium, one of the many images and/or things associated with England, specifically London. Where the Saints will play one of their home games. Thanks, Commissioner Goodell!!! (Sarcasm, you dickheaded ginger kid.) Here are things to look for between the Saints and Chargers, set to The Clash's "This is England."



Offense
Total Yards: Saints - 402.3 ypd; Chargers - 327.6 ypg
Passing YPG: Saints - 310.9 ypg; Chargers - 232.9 ypg
Rushing YPG: Saints - 91.4 ypg; Chargers - 94.7 ypg
TOP: Saints - 31:12; Chargers - 27:28
Third Down Conversions: Saints - 48 percent; Chargers - 45 percent
Points Per Game: Saints - 25.6 ppg; Chargers - 27.4 ppg
TO Ratio: Saints - minus 4; Chargers - plus 1

Defense
Total Yards Allowed: Saints - 331.4 ypg; Chargers - 366.3 ypg
Passing Yards Allowed: Saints - 222.4 ypg; Chargers - 254.6 ypg
Rushing Yards Allowed: Saints - 109 ypg; Chargers - 111.7 ypg
Points Allowed: Saints - 23.3 ppg; Chargers - 23.1 ppg
Opp. Third Down Conversions: Saints - 36 percent; Chargers - 35 percent

What does all this stuff tell us?

1. LaDainian Tomlinson and his "fuck-me" toe are not dominating like I thought they would. I care because I took him with the first pick in my fantasy draft. Thanks for fucking me big time, LT.

2. Norv Turner can't manage a defense to save his own fucking life. Anything involving Norv Turner deserves to have the word "fuck" thrown around early and often.

With those two points made abundantly clear, you'd think this is setting the stage for the Saints to run and pass roughshod over the Chargers. I wish that were the case. I believe we're setting ourselves up for a ball-buster of a game, where the Saints look like they're going to win ugly, only to lose in the last minutes.

Chargers - 16, Saints - 14

I'm not happy about picking against the Saints, but hey, these are harsh times we're living in. Oh, look, a "Wallace and Gromit" video set to Bohemian Rhapsody:

Hey, look, an LSU post!

I was emailed by my "Guy Who Knows a Guy" following LSU's 14-point loss against Georgia on Saturday. He follows the Tigers very closely and made several interesting points that I share with you now:

"Many people are asking what is wrong with the Tigers in 2008, considering they were returning quite a few players on defense and their offensive line was mainly intact, minus five-yard penalty monger Carnell Stewart. A few things:

"1. Inexperience at QB. Many leave the stadium uttering that the QBs are terrible. They aren’t terrible, just inexperienced. They have made plays this season and during key times. They have made some destructive decisions at times, especially Jarrett Lee. He is in his fourth year playing football and the best the Tigers have at the position. They will grow at the position and eventually be pretty good; patience is key, which many people don’t possess.

"2. The loss of Bo Pelini is hurting. Doug Mallory and Bradley Dale Peveto are quality coaches. They have coached in big games, coached very good players and know football. A lot of ppl are complaining that the duel coordinating system isn’t working and that 1 or both need to go. I disagree w/ the last one emphatically. The first complaint - Mallory and Peveto coordinate the game plan for opponents and Mallory makes the calls. Do they have a Pelini on staff to check them and be a valuable resource? No. That's where some of the prob. comes in. Like the QB play, it’s about inexperience in this case.

"3. Linebackers don’t make enough plays. The D-Line frees up blockers and they dont make plays in space when they need to. Ali Highsmith was a very good college LB and is sorely missed.

"4. Too much faith is put into 44 Danny McCray as the nickel. No. 44 has not made enough plays and his technique isn’t very good.

"5. Chad Jones isn’t on the field enough.

"6. True freshman CB Patrick Peterson is a good player in year one. If he had that spring that he lost because he had to stay in high school, he would be very good. The 15 spring practices would have him playing at an even higher level. He is a good tackler and is good in coverage. His technique is solid. Eugene is shaky at best at times; Hawkins has been okay. Peterson may be the best corner LSU has.

"7. Why does Miles shuffle the punters? Bad enough you have to guess who is punting b/c he is cute w/ the jersey numbers. One is left footed, the other right footed and they wear diff. colored shoes anyway. I pointed that out over a month ago. Jasper hit a 42-43 yard punt yesterday in his only effort. Dalfrey is inconsistent. He hit a 65 yd punt in pre-game before they went into the lockerroom. He hit two punts that didn’t turn over in the game. Dalfrey has one of the best legs I have seen in high school; he is just inconsistent at this level. He was a three-step punter in high school and has been converted to a short two-step punter.

"8. Unaccountability in the receiving corps. Byrd worried about NFL career, didn’t have a great season in wt room. So much so that Tommy Moffitt told NFL scouts during last spring's pro day. Brandon LaFell has dropped balls at times this year, sound familiar? He isn’t the most coachable player, either. Terrence Toliver has not emerged as a solid WR in yr two - very immature off the field and on. Chris Mitchell has been the most dependable of the group so far.

Two of their last three, the Tigers’ opponents scored more than 50. Florida and Georgia are very good teams; and Florida may be the best team in the country, even with one loss."

Saints players want to be skinny bitches! Fuck me

2008 is the year we'll all remember fondly...as the year all Saints fans got hate fucked by God, the injury whore, and now..steroids!

Mort from ESPN is reporting Deuce and Will Smith took water pills or some shit to lose weight. And will eventually be suspended.

WTF?

Add Nesbit into that mix and you got your self a full on fucking scandal.

Why are Saints players so obsessed with losing weight? Just do coke and smoke like any super model.

This season sucks.

Your Real NFL Rankings (Week 7 ed.)

As usual, here are your no fuss, no muss NFL Power Rankings for Week 7.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)
31. Detroit Lions (0-6)
30. Kansas City Chioefs (1-5)
29. Seattle Seahawks (1-5)
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-5)
27. Cleveland Browns (2-4)
26. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
25. Miami Dolphins (2-4)
24. St. Louis Rams (2-4)
23. Houston Texans (2-4)
22. New Orleans Saints (3-4)
21. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)
20. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)
19. New York Jets (3-3)
18. San Diego Chargers (3-4)
17. Denver Broncos (4-3)
16. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)
13. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)
12. New England Patriots (4-2)
11. Dallas Cowboys (4-3)
10. Chicago Bears (4-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (4-3)
8. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)
7. Washington Redskins (5-2)
6. Carolina Panthers (5-2)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2)
4. New York Giants (5-1)
3. Buffalo Bills (5-1)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1)
1. Tennessee Titans (6-0)

The Roundup: Cherry Beer, Death and other shit

Moosedenied says the Saints are soft and uses many glorious explitives to prove it. Meanwhile Malbrough over at WWL has taken to drinking cherry beer and bitching about Sean Payton ruining his life.

And CCC has a distrubing photo of Reggie and Kim in the hospital

And if ESPN doesn't stop licking Haslett's balls I will vomit...fuck me fuck you and fuck this shitty season.

Radio Show tonight you bastards

The fine owner of this here blog ,Mr. Held, will be on the podcast tonight at 7pm with Ralph Malbrough from WWLtv.com

Maybe Malbrough can explain this crappy column about the Saints being soft...oh yeah they are! Fuck him anyway.

Oh and they'll preview LSU-Georgia and predict when Haslett will start fucking up the Rams!

Listen here!

Your Depressing Music Video(s) of the Week...

Saints lose to division foes the Carolina Panthers, and badly I might add. And, since I live in St. Louis these days, I had to watch the game in a bar also featuring the Rams' victory over the Cowboys. The Jim Haslett coached St. Louis Rams destroyed the preseason favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. Yeah, I don't know what I did to anger God lately, but there's some serious bad karma at play here:



Oh, and I just found out Reggie Bush is missing three to four weeks with a knee injury. Classic Saints. You get a two-fer on the depressing music videos:



Let's see if I can accurately describe what's going on here in Mr. Held Over's "over-priced loft" right now: frustration, despair, feeling misbegotten and mocked, like we are all here for the amusing of a laughing, puppeteer God. Yep, it's pretty fuckin' bleak right now. And I have no booze with which to drown my sorrows.

I wish I could just masturbate my pain away...



Oh, Cheryl Cole, you're a sweetheart for trying, but I can't focus on your hotness right now...



You, too, Monica Bellucci. Sure, your pictures have made the rounds this week on plenty of sports blogs, and I've said you're a Top 5 babe since even before "Brotherhood of the Wolf," but I'm in no mood even for your awesomeness. I think I just need to sit down and sulk this one out.



Ah, Statler and Waldorf...nah, not even you two can cheer me up at this point. Maybe later...

"I Need A Weapon." Yeah? Drew Brees has tons of 'em, Master Chief.

Drew Brees will make you a weapon out of a anything, Master Chief. Need a short range weapon, like one of those crazy swords the Elites were using in Halo 2? Yeah, Drew's got Deuce McAllister for you. Need something a little more versatile? How about something that could either blow up in your face on a regular basis or cause severe, crippling damage from long range, like a rocket launcher? Two words, sir: Reggie Bush.

Wait, instead of a rocket launcher, how about something that's either totally hit or miss? Ah, then we've got the perfect sniper-type, deep threat receiver duo for you: Devery Henderson and Robert Meachem. These two either catch the deep passes, or they bumblefuck it up with heart wrenching futility. (Note: Look, I couldn't find video of Henderson catching passes. And I still remember him as "stone hands" Henderson, anyways. Sorry, Grand Master Wang.)

But wait, Master Chief, perhaps you'd like to work a shotgun. The weapon, not the formation. Well, I've got a special for you: Marques Colston. Seventh rounder out of little known Hofstra University. Shit, Master Chief, they're more known for hosting debates than their football, dude. And this Colston cat has been laying hurt across the field.

What's that? Still looking for something else with devastating power...but with an alien-type background? #9 also has available a Mr. Jeremy Shockey. We're not totally sure where he comes from, but he's definitely a "Needler" kinda guy. (Note: Seriously, Jeremy? Wings? Arrrrrrrr!!)

Or...maybe you like old trusty, the machine gun? Drew Brees also has David Patten at his disposal. When all else fails, go with whatever you have available.

Now, some of you might be asking, "what's Drew Brees then?" Motherfucker's a pistol. And not just any pistol, but the pistol from the first "Halo." That shit was little, but oh so effective.

(Top image by Sports Illustrated, but a 'Hat Tip' to Deadspin nonetheless.)

NFC Sucks and Malbrough loves it

Malbrough over at WWLTV.com rants against the Cowboys and compares Eli to Jim Everett? WTF?

At least he's back to writing those long 2,000 word epics which help me waste time on Friday's...

Tale of the Tape: Saints versus Panthers

Let's dispense with my "stat that really bothers me" up front: with Jake Delhomme under center, the Carolina Panthers have twice lost back-to-back games in which they lost that first game by more than 14 points. I said once on the radio show, but I missed that other game. Sorry. Both happened during the 2004 season, during their six-game losing streak. And after last week's 27-3 tub-thumping at the hands of division rival Tampa Bay, Saints fans better believe the Panthers will be out to stick it to our team. They've got pride on the line and a possible shot at first place in the division.

For the Saints, a victory puts us at 4-3, with a pair of wins over division opponents. A loss keeps us under .500 heading into our "home game" in London against the suddenly rejuvenated Chargers. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Total Offense: Saints - 412.2 ypg (2nd); Panthers - 322 ypg (16th)
Pass Offense: Saints - 324.7 ypg (1st); Panthers - 212.8 ypg (14th)
Rush Offense: Saints - 525 ypg (23rd); Panthers - 655 ypg (14th)
Points Per Game: Saints - 28.7 ppg (4th); Panthers - 19.5 ppg (23rd)

Total Defense: Saints - 330.7 ypg (19th); Panthers - 264.5 ypg (3rd)
Pass Defense: Saints - 227.3 ypg (21st); Panthers - 158.8 ypg (2nd)
Rush Defense: Saints - 103.3 ypg (14th); Panthers - 105.7 ypg (15th)

Based on the numbers, I would say the way to beating the Panthers on their own field is to: a) Find a way to run the ball on them, which means using more of Deuce; and b) keeping their own two-headed running attack in check.

Obviously, if Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey and David Patten are playing, that will make an already dangerous offense even more potent, splitting coverage up, opening things up for the ground game.

Here's what scares the hell out of me: seeing Jason David line up in coverage against Mushin Muhammad. Hey, Mush had a pretty damn good game against the Falcons in week 4 (8 catches, 147 yards, 1 touchdown), so the Saints better not rely on one-on-one coverage here.

Prediction: Saints 27, Panthers 20

Deuce and Reggie combine for more than 150 rushing yards; Colston starts, with Shockey and Patten seeing limited action; Drew Brees passes for two touchdowns and an INT; Melhalff kicks two field goals.