Tuesday, July 22, 2008

New Orleans Just Got a Whole Lot More Douche-Tastic...

For fuck's sake, Sean Payton! Seriously? I mean...seriously?! (Waves arms around frantically) I mean, Jesus Christ, Coach! Shit, sir! I'm trying to arrange flights to New Orleans so I can watch my team and you guys go and do THIS?!? Are you shitting me, GM Mickey Loomis?

I already gave you guys my non-refundable season ticket payment, so do in Christ's sweet, sweet name would feel compelled to bring this guy on board? Does he possess photos of y'all in provocative poses or something? Both mid AND post-coitus? Cause it sure as hell can't be his ability to hold a locker room together. As my older brother would say, Shockey is a classic, "turd in the punchbowl guy." He'll catch four or five passes, drop three or four, then stare angrily at his hands before blaming Drew Brees for slinging it too hard at him.

Does anybody out there HONESTLY believe he's interested in blocking for Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush or Pierre Thomas? Really? Anyone? Show of hands...


Thought so.

And we gave up two draft picks for this asshat?! A second rounder among them? (Slams face into computer desk) All for Jeremy 'Sweetheart, lets do us some Yay-Gah Bombs!' Shockey?

I got to work at 2 p.m., heard the news at around 3:30 p.m., and wanted to scream like an extra in '300' the rest of the evening. This is terrible news. The Saints do not need a potential locker room killin', injury prone slack-jawin', mouth-runnin', hyper-complainin', martini drinkin' up in a sky box, sorry ass for a tight end!!

Here's a small sampling of comments from the blogosphere that I wish I'd come up with:

"This is, without question, the worst thing that’s ever happened to New Orleans." (KSK)
"Jeremy Shockey. French Quarter. I can’t think of anything that could possibly go wrong." (KSK)
"The last thing New Orleans needs is another hurricane." (KSK)

"FEMA has already setup aid tents for the impending victims." (Deadspin)
"I predict that with this move Sean Payton will end up back on the corner stool at my local tavern making calls to his bookie." (Deadspin)
"I don't understand why everyone is always so down on Shockey as a fantasy player. Am I the only one in a league that gives points for a player developing an entirely new strain of venereal disease? His Hepatitis Q got me into the finals last year!" (Deadspin)

And of course, some folks at ESPN are fucking thrilled at the idea of Shockey coming here. Great. Down hill for us, then.

Okay, Jeremy, here's what you're going to do. You're going to arrive in New Orleans and you're going to read a brief statement to the local media and address the fan base, saying that you are FULLY COMMITTED to this organization and its fans, that you UNDERSTAND that you have a REPUTATION that you must shake off upon coming down here, and that you will work hard at training camp to EARN our RESPECT and ADMIRATION. And you will conclude by saying that when Coach Payton asks you to BLOCK, you will say, "how many times, sir?"

I'm gonna be watchin' you, Mr. Shockey. And if you can prove that you're turning things around by say...week 4, then I'll come out and apologize for blasting you so vehemently. Until then...it's all on you, Tattoo'ed One.

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