Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Guess who's coming to dinner? (And spending the year?)

Scene: Saints Training Camp, Airline Highway -- DAY

(A Saints player is seated at one of the computer terminals inside the team facility, closely examining a particular website.)

BRUNELL: Hmmm, too many decisions here. Do I go with the Roth IRA or straight IRA? Not totally sure. The Brunell's gotta protect his taxable income for retirement.

(The computer pings an alert and Mark Brunell pauses from his retirement thoughts.)

BRUNELL: What's this? "Saints news alert." Better check this out.

(The Brunell clicks on the news alert popup icon and is taken to a new page.)

BRUNELL: (Reading.) "The New Orleans Saints have come to terms with former Ravens cornerback Chris McAlister." Oh shit. Guys! GUYS!

(A crop of players seated in the computer lab gather around Brunell's computer.)

TOMMY: What's up, Mr. Brunell? Hope nothing's vexing you too much on this fine Wednesday...

BRUNELL: Shut up, junior. Hey, Devery! Come look at this!

DEVERY: What's goin' on, 11? (Catches 15-yard pass fired at 80 mph standing on his tippy toes.)

BRUNELL: This computer here says Chris McAlister is joining the team. Tommy, you should check that other computer over there to make sure. It could just be this one saying that.

TOMMY: Uh, Mr. Brunell, all these computers will say the same thing. Why not try Googling 'Chris McAlister' and see if a different source comes up?

BRUNELL: What do you mean these computers will all say the same thing? You mean I've been hoarding this computer and putting my decals on it to mark my territory for nothing?

DEVERY: 'Fraid so, dude.

(The Brunell checks Google and sees other people are reporting the same thing.)

TOMMY: So who broke the news? Walsh? Triplett? Duncan?

BRUNELL: Apparently Gollum...

DEVERY: Hmmm, well, guess Coach Payton's trying to improve our defense. I mean, we DID give up 434 yards to the god awful St. Louis Rams. Sounds like a smart move...

BRUNELL: Are you kidding me?!? I heard this guy's a trouble maker!!

TOMMY: He's right Devery. I heard this McAlister fellow killed a guy in a knife fight.

DEVERY: Nah, I thought that was somebody else on the Ravens or some shit. Or maybe somebody from the Ravens who was sort of but not really connected to somebody getting stabbed, I dunno. I just know it wasn't Chris McAlister.

BRUNELL: I heard he set up the Kool Aid Man.

TOMMY: I thought he was the inspiration for one of the Grand Theft Auto Liberty City episodes...

BRUNELL: I think Jenkins heard about this. (Sees Malcolm Jenkins walking by in the hallway.) Hey, Malcolm! You know about this Chris McAlister signing?


BRUNELL: Do you know anything about this?

JENKINS: I'm not saying anything.

BRUNELL: Dagg-nabb-it! I need somebody who find out more information! Tommy, would this "Google" be able to confirm all the things we've heard?

TOMMY: Nah, I heard McAlister threatened to beat Google up if they made those stories easy to find.


DEVERY: Man, you guys are nuts. I'm going out to the practice field to work with the Juggs machine. (Catches bullet in teeth before leaving the room.)

BRUNELL: Well, who do we know that's a resident off the field hooligan? I saw this in Manhunter. You get a guy who can tap into the mind of a potential troublemaker. I need to know if this guy can be trusted around here.

TOMMY: Oh, I know a guy...

(Five minutes later....)

SHOCKMEISTER: What's up, Puntmaster Flex?

TOMMY: Hey, Jeremy. Listen, uh, did you hear that we signed...

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucking Chris McAlister! Hells yeah I heard it, podna! Gonna be nice to have another hip cat around to help me run the hoes!

TOMMY: See, that's the thing, Jeremy.


TOMMY: Right, J-Shock, sorry. Well, we've heard some rumors about this guy that maybe you can help us understand.

(Tommy proceeds to tell The Shockmeister all of the "rumors" he and The Brunell have heard.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Really, dude? You that naive? Mother fucker's gotten into trouble, sure, but it's not like he's pulled a Larry Johnson or been accused of raping some pain in the ass reality TV d-list celeb. Worst thing this guy did was get into a DUI mishap and got busted for weed possession. Know what we called that back when I was at "THE U" ... Thursday.


SHOCKMEISTER: But hey, listen, squirt. The Shockmeister does NOT condone a mother fucker driving around all liquored up. That ain't cool, yo. Especially if he ever wants to ride along in my sweet ass ride to check the ladies. But he's also a realist. And understands that when three of your ballhawking playmakers in the secondary are down, sometimes you gotta roll the dice for the good of the team.

TOMMY: Oooookay....Look, I'm gonna go back to the weight room and get the legs going. I'll see you later?

SHOCKMEISTER: You know it, brosef!

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