Last time I wrote a “live blog” column was during Super Bowl 42 – my final piece at WWLTV.com. Since then, I’ve taken my act to dark corners of the Inter-webs, where I’ve waited for the perfect time to bring back the “live blog” whopping stick. Well, that and I’ve worked weeknights for the last two years and could never post like this for a Monday night game. I switched shifts with a co-worker just so I could sit at home and enjoy the game with a piece of chocolate cake, a frosty glass of milk, and eventually a couple bottles of beer and half a pepperoni pizza. That’s right, I’m a slob, big whoop, wanna fight about it?
To hell with going to a bar, I’m going to be an obnoxious, uptight, frightened, confident, loud-mouthed, foul-mouthed, beer drinking, fun loving, pizza eating, Jim Henderson obsessing, Falcon hating, Breesus slurping fool all in the privacy of my own home.
7:28 p.m. – ESPN’s panel of “experts” picks the Saints, 8-0. Perfect. So we’ve got the SI cover, Reggie Bush saying this team can run the table, and now Chris “with leather” Berman is piling onboard the bandwagon? Fuck me. Oh, and can someone tell Stu Scott that newborns don’t really “watch” anything, let alone a goddamn football game?
7:33 p.m. – “Resurgery,” Mr. Gruden? “Resurgery?” Really? We’re calling that one a word?
7:34 p.m. – Drew Brees makes me want to run through a wall filled not with insulation but with piranhas.
7:36 p.m. – Ah, Jon Gruden…you play poker with jokers? Really? Next thing you know, he’ll be making some obnoxious Dark Knight reference…
7:37 p.m. – Spoke too soon. Thanks, Jon. Isn’t Dan Snyder trying to call you? Or are you waiting for a call from South Bend? You need me to chip in some money for cab fare to the airport, sir? I’ll do it.
7:39 p.m. – Seeing those flashbacks to the first game back in the Dome will give me chills from here to eternity.
7:40 p.m. – Does the city deserve to have Hank “Hick” Williams call us “N’Awlins?” I didn’t think so.
7:40 p.m. – While I’m here: I think the ridiculous intro with the helmets flying around needs to go. Hell, I’d settle for the old B-list celebrity walking down the sidewalk, picking up an ‘ESPN’ helmet, looking into the camera and asking me if I’m ready for some football, followed by a Tony Gonzalez look alike running through the streets having some generic uniform get on him like he’s NFL SuperPro or something.
7:43 p.m. – In the interest of full disclosure, my fantasy team depends upon the following people: Matt Ryan, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. My opponent? He needs Marques Colston, John Carney and the Saints defense to do well. I think I should just ditch my score pick from Canal Street Chronicles and hope for 99-79 Saints. Or maybe I’ll just punch myself in the cock repeatedly throughout the evening, like some modern day flagellant.
7:46 p.m. – Terrible opening drive for the Saints’ defense. Near five minute drive there. Hope his Drew-ness answers the bell.
7:49 p.m. – When did George Peppard become the Falcons’ head coach?
7:50 p.m. – Broadview Security joke. Hey, you think that hot blonde chick in one of these Broadview Security jokes is single? Cause I'd like to see if my girlfriend is interested in...nope, I'm being told my girlfriend is NOT interested. Forget I said anything. I love my girlfriend so much!!!!
7:51 p.m. – I also have Pierre Thomas starting as well. I bring this up because Mike Bell is lining up in the Saints’ backfield. Fuck my life. Maybe if I’m lucky, Pierre will be the closer and score the goal line touchdowns, eh?
7:52 p.m. – And I’ve got another fantasy team that depends on Reggie Bush tonight. Reggie gets a rushing yard. One. Un. Single.
7:54 p.m. – SHOCKMEISTER! (Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…)
7:55 p.m. – Brees will kill you every damn time with the play action pass. You give him five seconds or more back there and he’ll gut you like a fish.
7:56 p.m. – Check out the big balls on Reggie, lowering that shoulder to knock the defender over instead of running for the sideline. Kim must be holding out on him.
7:57 p.m. – Pierre Thomas makes me feel funny in my pants. (Did I just type that? What the fuck is wrong with me? NTTAWWT.) Note to Reggie: That’s how you dance around a defender.
8:05 p.m. – Note to Marvin Mitchell: Do not piss off Sean Payton with stupid penalties. Ask Curtis DeLoatch how that worked out for him. Will Smith bails out Marvin there a bit.
8:06 p.m. – Anthony Hargrove is sure to make Message Board Guy ask, “Sedrick who?”
8:08 p.m. – I told Ralph and Dave I would count the number of Matt Ryan Gillette razor commercials. Think I set the over-under at 5.5. I took the over.
8:11 p.m. – There’s another one of “those plays” that seem to be going to the Saints’ way this year.
8:12 p.m. – Jesus Christ, I think Drew Brees was just decapitated! Fuck the score, where’s Joey Styles when I need him? OH MY GOD!!!
8:14 p.m. – Fuck the Steelers. Needs to be said. And fuck their bandwagoning fans that have never even lived in the state of Pennsylvania, too.
8:16 p.m. – This Falcons team is young and flying around the field at the moment. You have to wonder if the Saints are maybe too excited about playing at home in primetime? I don’t know…
8:20 p.m. – Hey, Drew Brees has a Fathead! Granted, it’s a mini-Fathead, but it’s a start!
8:21 p.m. – Wait, Jon, I thought you said Shockey was a joker? He’s a beast now? Make up your mind, sir!
8:22 p.m. – Jeremy Shockey, Catwoman’s on line one. Two receptions, 40 yards. Good game for J-Shock thus far.
8:22 p.m. – Anyone think Gregg Williams is looking at Mike Smith and going, “This fucker’s stealing my thunder? Not gonna happen in this lifetime…”
8:28 p.m. – Marques Colston! From? Hofstra University!! Drafted in what round? SEVENTH!!!
8:33 p.m. – Frackin’ hell, Porter’s dinged up. Cool haircut, though.
8:39 p.m. – Saints fortunate to see that field goal hit the upright. Here’s hoping Hendu is giving the Falcons the business after that one.
8:43 p.m. – Who is Pierre Thomas, Mr. Gruden? You want to know? He’s my fantasy running back, sir! And he’s carving this Falcons defense up!
8:44 p.m. – Pierre just turned a four-yard loss into a one-yard loss. Reggie, take more notes.
8:46 p.m. – Gotta give Brent Grimes credit: helluva pick there. Looked nice. Now go catch crotch lice.
8:51 p.m. – Nine yard return by Reggie. That a new season high? And it’s wiped out by a holding call for 10 yards. Nice.
8:53 p.m. – Falcons made two mistakes. 1) They rolled out of bed today. 2) They left Drew Brees with 2 minutes, 46 seconds to operate in the half.
8:55 p.m. – Jon Gruden channels his inner-Rick Reilly with an obligatory, “Matty Ice, Cool Brees” joke. Jon, I want to like you in the booth, but you’re killing me here. Aren’t the Jaguars looking for a coach? What about the California Redwoods of the UFL? Can’t you get another job?
8:55 p.m. – Robert Meachem sighting. He’s still alive, folks, and remembers how to get open and catch passes.
8:58 p.m. – Yeah, they might not give this to Devery. Fuck.
9:00 p.m. – Hells yeah, people! Devery seems to have kissed that “Stone Hands” moniker good bye.
9:01 p.m. – Let Pierre run that fucker in, Payton! I need this!
9:01 p.m. – Dude, was Reggie sedated before this game? Did Kim break up with him? Fuck, he’s playing with some kind of enigmatic disposition. And I like it. He’s not afraid to get hit, he’s not jumping around to celebrate like a fool, he’s.
9:03 p.m. – “I have never sat in a meeting where I was more stimulated than I was at that time.” – Jon Gruden. Now you’re just fucking around with me, Mr. Gruden; admit it.
9:06 p.m. – Jabari Greer, please pick up the white courtesy phone!!! Touchdown, defense!! The Saints have already matched last year’s interception tally with 14 in seven games. That’s an average of two interceptions per game. And I fucking called a defensive touchdown in my picks on Canal Street Chronicles! Give me a cookie, Dave! And a big glass of milk in a frosty mug!
9:08 p.m. – Hey, what is the Saints’ record when they’re wearing the all-black uniforms?
9:10 p.m. – If I’m the Falcons, I run the ball up the middle and concede things this half. They’re not getting a first down in the air.
9:11 p.m. – Does Mike Smith know he can’t bring these two timeouts into the second half? They don’t rollover, dude.
9:12 p.m. – And of course the Falcons get the first down in the air. Forget what I said earlier.
9:14 p.m. – This is a bad stretch for referees lately. Fuck, NBA officials look gold right now. Wait, I was just whistled for traveling.
9:16 p.m. – Nice kick, Elam. You might wanna try golfing with a slice like that. (Rim shot.) Zing!
9:33 p.m. – Damn that halftime went by awfully fast. I blame Chris Berman.
9:34 p.m. – Puntermaster Flex with a 43-yarder to the Falcons. That’s Morstead’s first punt of the game.
9:36 p.m. – Sean Payton and Gregg Williams need to make these guys run laps for all these damn penalties. This will kill the Saints against elite opposition.
9:38 p.m. – Roddy White. Wow. That was a bomb. It’s not like Greer was toasted or anything, it’s just that Roddy White was just on point there. I’m officially back to being nervous again, a little light twitching. Anybody else? Maybe I’m having a heart attack.
9:42 p.m. – Just had my cousin text me, “You know you miss those Ronnie Lemarque commercials.” My response: “Uh, yeah…Riiiiight.” We got schlocky car salesmen up in St. Louis, too. New Orleans does not have a monopoly on that industry, I assure all of you.
9:44 p.m. – Jeremy Shockey, Talia Al Ghul’s on line one. Great first down reception there.
9:46 p.m. –Robert Meachem with a, uh, spectacular display of concentration on that catch? I’m using “spectacular” and “concentration” in the same sentence as “Robert Meachem” here.
9:47 p.m. – Is Jon Gruden wearing librarian glasses?
9:48 p.m. – Wondering if Hendu is laying into John Carney like we all know he can…
9:52 p.m. – Saints need another score to get some separation. I do NOT like being up by seven at the moment. That’s right, I’m all antsy. Deal with it.
10:07 p.m. – Another reason I don’t do live blogs: I tend to get sluggish in the second half of games and don’t have as many jokes at my disposal. It also doesn’t help when your team is locked in a tight contest against its hated division rival.
10:10 p.m. – Thanks for the “Falcons have never lost two in a row under Mike Smith” statistic, Mr. Gruden. Ass.
10:11 p.m. – I think the Saints are missing Ellis for sure. The Falcons keep gashing them up the middle.
10:11 p.m. – Thanks for trying to go around the corner, Falcons. Fools.
10:11 p.m. – First down, Falcons. Fuck sticks.
10:15 p.m. – Not a catch. Way to miss that shit with the ball bouncing right in front of you, ref. Pathetic. Dick Bavetta thinks that’s a lame fucking call.
10:18 p.m. – Needed that one. Thank God.
10:25 p.m. – Not liking this one damn bit. Pierre had been running well, so I can’t really complain about him getting the rock.
10:30 p.m. – Tracy Porter, you magnificent bastard!!! Jonathan Vilma, you wonderful man, you!
10:34 p.m. – That hit on Drew Brees after the throw only gets called if he’s named “Tom Brady.”
10:36 p.m. – Jeremy Shockey, Wonder Woman is on line one. Three ways and Jaeger bombs for everybody!!!
10:37 p.m. – This isn’t wrestling, douche bags, you can’t use a single-leg takedown on Colston without having to answer to one Reginald Bush. Fuck you, Falcons. More like “Fuck-lanta!” (Rim shot.)
10:42 p.m. – Pierre Thomas STILL makes me feel funny in my pants. Again, NTTAWWT.
10:48 p.m. – Don’t think that was a fumble.
10:51 p.m. – Can Stu Scott stay off my television? Thank God I can’t afford HD at home.
10:58 p.m. – Goddamn it, Gruden! We couldn’t go a whole game without you bringing up Hurricane Katrina? We get it. We’re all connected to the team through tragedy. The team can’t rebuild the city, so it rebuilds our hearts and souls, is that it? Thanks, Mr. Tampa Bay. Thanks for being the guy to put everything in perspective for us silly naves. And thanks for that final “I think they’re running the table” comment. Fuck you in the visor, asshat.
10:59 p.m. – And we lose Goodwin at center on a freak accident. Fan-fucking-tastic.
11:21 p.m. - Okay, I kind of blacked out for the final three minutes, but here is what I know: a) Mike Bell needs to keep both hands on the fucking ball, b) Mike Bell needs to keep both hands on the fucking ball, c) Darren Sharper sure knows when to make an entrance, d) Mike Bell needs to keep both hands on the fucking ball, and e) SAINTS ARE 7-0, BABY!!! Fuck the Falcons.