Tuesday, November 24, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 11)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. I hope I don't start doing this to every team because that'll mean more work for me.

BTW...I got a dog over the weekend. His name is Doc. (I thought "Breesus" might be a bit much.) And I will be peppering this week's power rankings with pictures of him. Does that make me one of those pretentious "I love my doggy" type assholes? Sure. But this is my blog. Thanks for coming out.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-9)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-9): How bad are the fucking Browns? Bad enough to warrant me attaching THIS VIDEO. "Still Cleveland!"
29. Washington Redskins (3-7)
28. Seattle Seahawks (3-7)
27. Detroit Lions (2-8): Excellent show of grit for a team in the shitter.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-7)
25. Oakland Raiders (3-7)
24. Kansas City Chiefs (3-7): CHIEFS FTW! Way to fucking crush the spirits of all those goddamn bandwagoning Steelers fans!! Especially an overweight, piss-poor station leader in New Orleans who "suddenly" decided he was a Steelers fan in the 1970s and abandoned the Saints! Hey, asshole, I got a question for you: do you like apples?!?
23. New York Jets (4-6): Again, just so we're clear: since being beaten up by the Saints, the Jets are 1-5. Sanchez can take his virulent sexy girlfriends and fuck off.
22. Chicago Bears (4-6)
21. San Francisco (4-6)

Hey! Who's a good puppy! That's right, you are! You're such a good puppy!! Yes, yes, yes!!!


Uh, sorry about that. He's cute.

20. Carolina Panthers (4-6): Welcome out of the bottom third, Carolina!
19. Atlanta Falcons (5-5): We have some nice parting gifts for the Falcons for falling out of the playoff race. Lee's Press-On Nails and a three-piece travel luggage set.
18. Houston Texas (5-5): Dude, if Kris Brown is still even on the roster at the end of the year I will be stunned. I was at work last night and I remarked, "Kubiak needs to cut him" after the miss. The sports director at the station (in St. Louis) was nearby and said in a very condescending tone, "Yeah, you right, send a message!" That's the point, dick head. When the kicker fucks over the team twice in three weeks, it's time to consider trimming the fat.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-4): Way to get smoked at home.
15. Tennessee Titans (4-6)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
13. Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
12. New York Giants (6-4)
11. Green Bay Packers (6-4)

I see you! Huh?! You like chewing on your microchip, don't you?!? Huh? Who's a cute doggie even when he's being bad!?


This will only get worse from here on out. You've been warned. Hopefully Doc won't show up next time The Shockmeister is around.

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4): Oh, I waiting to put you assholes out of the top ten. Give me another reason, shit heads.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (6-4)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3): How the fuck do you blow a game to the Raiders of all teams?
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
6. Arizona Cardinals (7-3): If Warner's not in the lineup, this team doesn't do shit. Hmmm, sounds like a few other teams in the top team here.
5. San Diego Chargers (7-3): Winners of five straight. Can't laugh at Norv Turner now. At last, not too much.
4. New England Patriots (7-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (9-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-0): Colts are second because they got into a dicey situation with the Ravens...
1. New Orleans Saints (10-0): ...whereas the Saints blew out their opponent. Granted, their is a HUGE disparity between the Bucs and Ravens, but the Saints demonstrated that when they play mistake free football they will wax your ass like a Brazilian hooker at Mardi Gras in Rio.

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