Wednesday, December 30, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 16)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-14)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-12)
30. Detroit Lions (2-13)
29. Washington Redskins (4-11)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-12)
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-10)
26. Buffalo Bills (5-10)
25. Cleveland Browns (4-11)
24. Oakland Raiders (6-9)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8)
22. Chicago Bears (6-9)
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-8)

20. Miami Dolphins (7-8)
19. New York Giants (8-7)
18. Tennessee Titans (7-8)
17. Carolina Panthers (7-8)
16. Atlanta Falcons (8-7)
15. New York Jets (8-7)
14. Denver Broncos (8-7)
13. Houston Texans (8-7)
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7): The referees would like to thank the Steelers management for the wonderful gift baskets.
11. Baltimore Ravens (8-7)

10. Cincinnati Bengals (10-5)
9. New England Patriots (10-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (10-5)
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-5)
6. Green Bay Packers (10-5)
5. Minnesota Vikings (11-4)
4. New Orleans Saints (13-2)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (11-4)
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-1)
1. San Diego Chargers (12-3)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Return of the 'Magnificent Seven' (Verily.)

EXT. Saints headquarters on Airline Hwy in Metairie -- NIGHT

(Dozens of Saints fans are outside, brandishing torches and pitchforks. Somewhere, Ralph Malbrough is sharpening the guillotine.)

ANGRY MOB: grumble-grumble-grumble-blah-blah-blah! We demand blood!!! BLOOD!!!

(Inside the Saints' practice facility, Head Coach Sean Payton and kicker Garrett Hartley watch from a third floor window as the crowd gets restless.)

PAYTON: Well look at 'em, Garrett.

GARRETT: Coach, I'm sorry. I said I was sorry. I even wept to Peter Finney hoping he might be able to buy me some time, but what can I do?

PAYTON: Well, for starters we've got to take some of the fire out of that crowd. (Pushes intercom button.) Uh, Doris? Could you please dispatch 'The Shockmeister' into the crowd to sex up a bunch of the women? Thank you. (Lets go of intercom button.) That should take a lot out of them.

GARRETT: But what about the guys in the crowd?

PAYTON: Jeremy's told me he's sexed up countless married women in the Crescent City and for whatever reason, the husbands seem content to be in the room watching while it happens. Can't figure it out for the life of me. Must be those "high society" types.

GARRETT: But what if those aren't "high society" types?

PAYTON: J-Shock will sell them his used chewing tobacco, which they can turn around and sell on eBay.

GARRETT: He's got enough?

PAYTON: Did you SEE him on the sidelines during the Bucs game? The guy was stuffing it in his mouth like it was titties or something!!!

GARRETT: Okay...well then what do we do?

PAYTON: (Pushes intercom button.) Send him in, Doris. (Lets go of button.) Well, I'm sorry to have to do this to you, Garrett, but we've got put you on IR.

GARRETT: What? I'm fine! I'm healthy!!

PAYTON: Look, I'm trying to save our asses here! Do you have ANY idea how fucking frustrating it is to be haunted by a kicking problem? I've had SEVEN different guys kick for me in four years!! That shouldn't be my legacy, Garrett!

GARRETT: Seven? Really? Who'd you have?

PAYTON: John Carney, Billy Cundiff, Olindo Mare, Martin Grammatica, Taylor Mehlhaff, and you.

GARRETT: Yeah, but coach that's only six guys. Who's number seven?

(In walks a VERY old man.)

THE DANE: Hilsener, bus! (Greetings, Coach!)

GARRETT: Really?!? You're bringing back fuckin' Morten Andersen?!? Dude's gotta be in his 50s!!

PAYTON: Wrong! He turned 49 this past August, so there!

THE DANE: Jeg er bedrøvelig hen til høre om jeres skade. (I am sorry to hear about your injury.)

GARRETT: Again...WHAT injury?

PAYTON: I'm having it leaked that you ruptured something in your foot during that first field goal attempt. Since it was the last time anybody saw you kick prior to the shank, I think some people will buy it, especially when I refuse comment for a week and a half.

GARRETT: You can't do this to me!! I was 21 of 21 on field goals under 50 yards, for Christ's sake! And you're gonna replace me with the fucking Dutchman?

PAYTON: Hey, I need people to not freak out and come down and hang us all from the I-10 overpass, okay? From here on out, Morten will handle everything under 40 yards. You can do that, right Morten?

THE DANE: JEG forsikre jer mig spark ben er kraftig. (I assure you my kicking leg is strong.)

GARRETT: And who handles the ones over 40?!?

MORSTEAD: Greetings! Garrett, I'm so sorry to hear about your foot injury. You seem to be getting around on it quite nicely, though.

GARRETT: For the last FUCKING TIME, I AM NOT INJURED! My foot is fine!!!

PAYTON: Oh really? Uh, Morten you wanna take care of this...?

THE DANE: JEG skal knase jeres fod verily! (I shall crush your foot, verily!)

(Morten Andersen slams the mighty hammer down on Garrett's kicking foot.)

GARRETT: Fuck, you've broken my goddamn foot, you asshole!!

MORSTEAD: Oh, sweet, you like to dress up, too? Hang on a second...

MORSTEAD: We are going to KICK SO MUCH ASS together!!

THE DANE: Verily.

GARRETT: Can somebody call a fucking medic for me?!? Jesus Christ...!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Was the Unknown Who Dat really born in the 16th Century?

Once again, the boys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have unknowingly given the few of us Saints fans not swept up in this "Unknown Who Dat" crap the perfect counter move.

He is Unknown Who Dat!! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!!


Know what the sad thing is? I've really got no personal beef with this guy (Bill whateverthehellhisnameis). My problem is that his incoherent, obnoxious rambling and stomping about has been foisted upon all of us as some sort of representation of the best we Saints fans have to offer the football world. It's pathetic.

Shit, if you wanna anoint a bout this guy:

At least this guy has the sense to be a "character" if he's gonna act ridiculous for stadium cameras.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 15)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.

And your pictures for today are of "adult film actress" (thanks Sports Night!) Lisa Ann. She's got, uh, nice eyes.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-13)
31. Kansas City Chiefs (3-11): Congrats to Missouri, which has the two worst teams in football. Seems like the "Gateway to the West" is more like the "Gateway to Suck." Thanks, I'm here all week. Try the veal!
30. Washington Redskins (4-10): Sorry, but this franchise is a God damn embarrassment to organized sports. And the how f*ck do they just roll over for the Giants but try and do their best Buster Douglas impression against the Saints?
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-12)
28. Detroit Lions (2-12): Yep, I'm ranking the Lions ahead of teams with better records and a team that won last week while they (the Lions) lost. The Lions played the Arizona "Divisional Round Upset" Cardinals down to the wire. That gets you cred.
27. Cleveland Browns (3-11): Really? I have to rank Cleveland this high?
26. Seattle Seahawks (5-9)
25. Chicago Bears (5-9): The guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have been having a field day with Jay Cutler all year long.
24. Buffalo Bills (5-9): They played the Patriots tough, so I'll rank them ahead of Chicago.
23. San Francisco 49ers (6-8)
22. Oakland Raiders (5-9): Can the Raiders climb out of this...wait for it..."Black Hole" and into the second tier of teams in my rankings? HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!
21. New York Jets (7-7): Way to hold a visiting team to 10 points and STILL find a way to lose. Fucking idiots...

20. Carolina Panthers (6-8): The check is in the mail, John Fox.
19. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
18. Atlanta Falcons (7-7)
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-7): Playing at a neutral site might be beneficial to the Jaguars.
16. Houston Texans (7-7)
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7): Congrats, Super Bowl Champs: you're back to .500, now sit down and shut the fuck up.
14. Denver Broncos (8-6)
13. Tennessee Titans (7-7): AFC teams better hope these guys don't sneak into the playoffs.
12. Baltimore Ravens (8-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (9-5): Couldn't you have beaten those ass hat Steelers, for fuck's sake?

10. New York Giants (8-5)
9. New England Patriots (9-5)
8. Dallas Cowboys (9-5): Beating an undefeated team moves you up a few spots in the rankings, I don't care who you are. Sincerely, Mark Schlareth.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (9-5): Tough road loss.
6. Arizona Cardinals (9-5)
5. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
4. Minnesota Vikings (11-3): Dear Brad Childress, Thanks for getting into a pissing contest with Brett Favre and blowing the Panthers game. Signed, New Orleans Saints fans. (Do I owe Jim Rome a dollar for this?)
3. New Orleans Saints (13-1): That's right, I'm ranking them below the Chargers. If the Saints win they can get back into 2nd place. Hell, if they blow out Tampa and the Colts either lose or escape with an ugly win, I might even bring them back to the top.
2. San Diego Chargers (11-3): This team is flying under the radar it seems. And they're a two-seed in the AFC.
1. Indianapolis Colts (14-0)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 14)

You got not power rankings last week. Rather than give you a litany of reasons why, let's just forge ahead with the understanding that I was extraordinarily burdened with shit.

32. St. Louis Rams (1-12): This franchise has two options come draft time. Either get that DT from Nebraska or trade down for more picks, cause this team needs a fuck ton of help defensively. Of course, the guy who drafted Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning is running the franchise, so I guess that means it's Jimmy Clausen, right?

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-12)

30. Detroit Lions (2-11)

29. Kansas City Chiefs (3-10)

28. Cleveland Browns (2-10): Fun times in Cleveland again!!

27. Washington Redskins (4-9)

26. Buffalo Bills (5-8)

25. Oakland Raiders (4-9): I'm hoping this is the highest I will rank the Raiders this year.

24. Chicago Bears (5-8): Yeah, I guess the Bears would beat all these teams below them...(shrugs shoulders)

23. Carolina Panthers (5-8)

22. Seattle Seahawks (5-8)

21. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7): Fuck you guys. No, seriously. Fuck all y'all. If this were any other team that lost five in a row, real power ranking folks would put that team in the 20s without question. Shit, I wish I had enough confidence to think these other guys below in the rankings could beat them.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-6)

19. Atlanta Falcons (6-7)

18. San Francisco 49ers (6-7)

17. Houston Texans (6-7): Andre Johnson = Man.

16. New York Jets (7-6)

15. Miami Dolphins (7-6)

14. Tennessee Titans (6-7)

13. New York Giants (7-6)

12. Dallas Cowboys (8-5): America's Team vs. God's Team this Saturday night. Winner gets the rights to Shreveport.

11. Baltimore Ravens (7-6)

10. Arizona Cardinals (8-5): Two words for Gregg Williams...BLUE PRINT. The 49ers just showed you how to skull fuck the Cardinals on national television. Hope you DVR'd this one and not that lame singing show on NBC, Gregg.

9. Denver Broncos (8-5)

8. Cincinnati Bengals (9-4): The Bengals just don't look threatening right now.

7. New England Patriots (8-5)

6. Green Bay Packers (9-4): Wish I could put these guys higher, but everyone above them is playing excellent football.

5. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4): Hey, I'm in awe of DeSean Jackson, sure, but the prospect of Andy Reid in the playoffs...on the road...(Licks lips, salivates.)

4. San Diego Chargers (10-3): The Chargers are flying under the damn radar. I like that. Phillip Rivers deserves to be in the MVP discussion.

3. The Minnesota Vikings (11-2)

2. New Orleans Saints (13-0): I may catch shit for this, but I don't care. The Colts are setting records and doing their thing and the Saints are giving me heart palpitations. My medication is a home game on (semi) national television against the Cowboys.

1. Indianapolis Colts (13-0): Seriously. Neutral field, who you taking? The Saints and that banged up secondary with the D-line that can't get pressure on a fucking insurance salesman? I think not.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

...Paved with good intentions

(INT. Shockmeister's house -- Evening, Saturday before the Monday Night Football game against the Patriots.)

Scene: Jeremy Shockey is having an informal get together the day after Black Friday. No chicks allowed, though. Time for man business, etc.

SHOCKMEISTER: Drew-seph! Glad you could make it out, man!!

BREESUS: Yeah, no problem, Jeremy. What's the deal with the party? We kinda got a big game in a couple days.

SHOCKMEISTER: Relax, 9! This ain't a "party" party, per say. This is a "let me try and do something nice for my main man, Drew Brees," kinda party!

BREESUS: Oooookay. Well who else is here?

TOMMY: Me, sir! I got here first!

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucker was here twenty minutes before the party was "scheduled" to start. Kinda prevented me from "opening up the playbook" if you know what I mean...

BREESUS: You masturbate before a party?

SHOCKMEISTER: Dude, why wouldn't I? Shit, I do that almost anytime before a potentially big pressure situation. I picked up that nugget from "There's Something About Mary."

BREESUS: So you're gonna do that before the Monday Night Football game?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuck yeah, Drew! Maybe not twenty minutes before kickoff, but I'll definitely be doing it in the building.

(Brees shakes his head.)

BREESUS: Okay, well, uh, who else is here?

(Shockey leads Brees into his living room area, where a few other players are gathered.)

BREESUS: Hey, guys!

(John Carney wakes up after dozing off earlier. Devery Henderson springs up from the couch and catches two footballs with both hands while blindfolded.)

DEVERY: What's up, Drew Dat?

THE CARNEY: Hey! Where am I? Who are you people!? How did I get here?!?

BREESUS: Is he okay?

TOMMY: Yeah, he's been like this since he got here. I hope he's not having one of his episodes again...

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, the old fucker needs to be drinking his Metamucil and shit so he don't shank field goals or something. We're gonna need every point and every advantage this Monday to beat the Fag-triots!

BREESUS: Well, I'm feeling pretty good. I usually get these vibes before a good game.

SHOCKMEISTER: Good? No, Drew, we need GREAT from you on Monday! We can't afford to just be "good," we gotta kick the shit outta these chowder munching ass clowns! I never got to really enjoy that Super Bowl win with the Giants, so this is the next best thing!

TOMMY: Weren't you liquored up in a booth and not with your teammates?

SHOCKMEISTER: You're out of your element, Tommy!!! Look, Drew, I've got something here that is going to guarantee a victory for us on Monday.

(Shockmeister leads Breesus, Tommy and Devery into his bedroom. The Carney falls back asleep, mumbling something about Ray Guy.)

SHOCKMEISTER: It's up here somewhere...

(Shockmeister digs in his closet and pulls a game from the top shelf.)

SHOCKMEISTER: So? Whatta you think???


SHOCKMEISTER: Well? Say something!


DEVERY: Oh, you must be out-chore damn mind, fool!

SHOCKMEISTER: What? What'd I do?


TOMMY: Uh, do you have ANY idea how offensive something like is for Drew? To even HINT or try and JOKE that Drew could communicate with his dead mother is definitely NOT COOL, dude.

SHOCKMEISTER: Communicate!? Fuck, I want her to tell us what the God damn Patriots are gonna run on offense and defense!!!


(Breesus walks out of the Shockmeister's apartment without saying a word. The Shockmeister is dumbfounded.)

SHOCKMEISTER: What?!? I'm trying to give Drew a chance to say "hi" to his mom AND help the team out and suddenly I'M THE ASSHOLE???

TOMMY: Really not cool, Jeremy. You know about Drew's mother! Why are you being an insensitive prick?

SHOCKMEISTER: Don't get yer panties in a bunch, Puntmaster Flex! Shockmeister is gonna make this thing work!

DEVERY: Fuck that shit, man! I am getting outta here. Whenever there's weird freaky shit like this, it's ALWAYS the black guy who gets it first. And I don't need no "other worldly" help to catch shit blindfolded!

(Devery leaves the apartment.)

TOMMY: And how were you gonna ask his mom? The game hasn't happened yet!

SHOCKMEISTER: Dude, everything is known up in Heaven. Ain't you read the Bible?!?

TOMMY: Uh, I did go to SMU.

SHOCKMEISTER: Whatever. Besides, you saying she won't know? God and e'rybody knows what's gonna happen before it happens!

TOMMY: What are you, Calvinist?

SHOCKMEISTER: Nah, I was always a Hobbes fan myself.

TOMMY: Shit...


(Shockmeister and Tommy are hunched over the Ouija board, moving that weird pointy piece.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Brah, I'm not touching it!!

TOMMY: Me neither!!

SHOCKMEISTER: This is fuckin' insane, brah!

TOMMY: You feel a chill running up your spine, Shockmeister?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fuck-ing right on.

(The lights begin flickering in Shockmeister's apartment. The room begins vibrating.)

TOMMY: What the fuck is going on, Jeremy?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucking place hadn't shaken like this since I bagged Vida Guerra's ass about a year ago!!

(Suddenly, Jeremy's closet doors rip off and fly into the walls, a large beam of light comes shooting out, pouring over the room. Jeremy's room is now lily white. Shockey and Tommy are blinded by the light, but begin to see a figure walking out of the closet toward them.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Alright, now remember: I'll ask the questions, okay?

TOMMY: Right...

GOD: Can I help you gentlemen?

TOMMY: Oh, dang, it's Morgan Freeman! Wow, it's a thrill to meet you, Mr. Freeman!!

GOD: I'm not really Morgan Freeman. I Am Who Am.

SHOCKMEISTER: You're Popeye?

GOD: (rubs eyes.) No Jeremy. I am the one called Yaweh. The God of Abraham, Issac, David, Muhammad, I AM the Host of Hosts. The Alpha and The Omega. The Life and The Light.

SHOCKMEISTER: So you're really Morgan Freeman?

GOD: No. So many people love the idea of Morgan Freeman as Me that I figure, 'Hey, why not oblige some of them?'


TOMMY: Uh, Mr. Yaweh, sir?

GOD: Yes, Thomas?

TOMMY: Uh, why'd you respond to our Ouija board game?

GOD: Well, I needed to come down and tell you two guys to knock it off with the Ouija board. And, Jeremy, what in the sam hell were you thinking by bringing that thing out in front of Breesus?

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking straight...wait a second? YOU call him Breesus?

GOD: Oh yeah, my son gets a big kick out of it. He's got Drew's Fathead on a wall in his room. Now listen, you boys can't be whipping out a Ouija board in front of Drew, okay? He's a special man and he needs to have his mind at ease before Monday's game.

SHOCKMEISTER: But I wanted to try and help him out...

GOD: But not like this, Jeremy. You have to be a friend to Drew and be ready to block and catch for him on that field. That's what you can do for him.


GOD: And Tommy, you can help Drew by blasting the devil out of those footballs every time you get to kickoff our punt, okay?

TOMMY: Yes, sir! Can do!

GOD: Oh, and could one of you, probably Tommy since Drew won't talk to you Jeremy for a while, please give Drew this card for me?

TOMMY: A credit card?

GOD: Not just any credit card. Give it to Drew, if he spends anything for charity's sake, he'll have a monster game.

SHOCKMEISTER: How come the numbers aren't there?

GOD: Drew will see them. Don't worry about that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go appear in bathroom fixture in Laramie, Wyoming. (The number Drew will see is: 3817 1823 3715 1583)

(God walks back into the closet. Jeremy's apartment goes back to normal.)

GOD: Oh, and don't tell anybody I came to see you. Otherwise I'll have to give Devery leprosy.

TOMMY: No problem.

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, later, God.


(God is on the phone.)

GOD: Yeah, this is the Bellagio? Hey, what's the odds on Drew Brees throwing for five touchdowns and no picks, more than 370 yards, completing more than 75 percent of his passes, and....Oh, getting a perfect QB rating? What's that? Wow. Sounds incalculable. Well, let's only wager a few hundred on it then, okay?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Drew Brees = Meast.

So anyone that's visited this fine site has seen my "Great Moments in Drew Brees History" posts. Well, the boys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber (a hilariously offensive football blog) have named Drew Brees their "Meast of the Week" (Meast = Man Beast).

Really, the comments section on that story is full of gems like:

--Drew Brees will absolutely spot you 5 bucks, and waive you off when you try to pay him back.

--If it were down to a big piece of chicken and a wing, Drew Brees would let you have the big piece.

--Drew Brees knows the Secret Santa price cap was set at $20, but he’ll be happy to spend a little more to get you something you would really enjoy.

--Drew Brees will split the dinner bill, even though he just had a water.

Fun times for all!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

NFL Power Rankings (Week 12)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.

32. Cleveland Browns (1-10)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10)
30. St. Louis Rams (1-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-9)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8)
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8)
26. Washington Redskins (3-8)
25. Chicago Bears (4-7)
24. Carolina Panthers (4-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
22. Buffalo Bills (4-7)
21. Miami Dolphins (5-6)

20. San Francisco 49ers (5-6)
19. New York Jets (5-6)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
17. Houston Texans (5-6)
16. Atlanta Falcons (6-5)
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Tennessee Titans (5-6)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5): Thanks for coming through in the FAIL for me, guys. Dickheads.
12. Denver Broncos (7-4)
11. Arizona Cardinals (7-4)

10. Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
9. Green Bay Packers (7-4)
8. New England Patriots (7-4): Go fuck yourself, Bill Simmons. Hey, here's a Rocky pop culture reference for you: know how you say championship teams have the "Eye of the Tiger?" Guess what? Drew Brees IS the Eye of the Tiger. Tom Brady? He's got the Eye of the Vagina, shit head.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
6. Dallas Cowboys (8-3)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3): Congrats on sweeping the AFC North. The Saints will be gunning to do the same thing. Here's weird theoretical question: What happens if the the Broncos don't pull the upset in week 1 versus the Bengals? Is it a simple case of the Bengals just being 9-2?
4. San Diego Charges (8-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (11-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (11-0): If anyone in the national sports media has Drew Brees as fourth or worse on their MVP list, I have three words for you: GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.