This week's chain gang e-mail!!! (8/5)

RALPH:
This week's email chain begins

The Saints resigned Carl Nicks today which means the only two big Saints FA left are Jonathan Goodwn and Dave Thomas. Regarding Nicks I'm really torn about giving him a long term extension because if the Saints are going to pay both guards 8-10 million what position do they not pay? They can't pay everyone. I lean towards paying them both because if you have something that's the best you keep it. Nicks/Evans are both Top 5 guards so I'd rather them keep their elite interior line and cut corners at LB or as strange as it sounds offensive tackle. Brees is so good at getting rid of the ball on time and avoiding sacks I'd argue Saints can get by with B- OT

I just said it over at the Chronic that if the Saints resign Goodwin and Thomas all that's left to satisfy me is a DE and depth at DT. I'm not so worried about LB as some others are. I think Saints can win with Vilma/Shanle/Wilson but I'm not sure they can win with what they currently have at DE which will include 4 game Smith suspension. And the fact that Jordan is still unsigned isn't good either.

Also I love the Falcons signing ray Edwards as I think he is a mediocre DE who benefited from playing in Minnesota with 3 Pro Bowl lineman around him. I didn't want the saints going near him.

The Eagles getting Cullen Jenkins was a tough because of the price they can cut him after 1 yr. Saints still need depth at DT

I'm not sold on Michael Vick winning anything and he won't play 16 games. When Vince Young needs to win them a December game all this 'Eagles won the off season' will be forgotten.

WANG:
Good stuff, Ralph. I was gonna email you a little while ago and give you props for being right about DE > OLB. Turk McBride is an exciting signing IMHO. Loomis still might have something up his sleeve, but I get the feeling that you're right again and that the Saints will continue to go cheap at OLB. Will Herring, Danny Clark, Shanle, Clint Ingram are your vets. Casillas, Tez Wilson, Dunbar and Marvin Mitchell are probably your young guys. Probably not a whole lot more on the horizon there. And I guess that's fine, probably what I should have expected. The Saints have been "just getting by" at OLB for half a decade, I'm not sure why I ever expected them to change that strategy now. I'm betting now that they're just gonna cross their fingers and hope Casillas and Tez work out. Again, I don't have a problem with that because OLB is clearly the least important position on the defense to the Saints braintrust, and it's served them just fine so far. And you've gotta cut corners somewhere, can't have 53 pro bowlers.

Dave Thomas is a must-sign. Goodwin is a would-be-nice but IMHO not necessarily a must.

I'm not worried at all about Jordan. He'll be in camp sooner than later. Judging by the twitters, seems like he's as pissed off as anybody that it isn't already done. I think it's a non-issue, it'll be resolved any minute now.

I'm ashamed to say that I got caught sleeping on McBride. Dude's got Shaun-Rogers-like "impact in limited playing time."

DE is in some serious flux right now. They need to bring Charleston back. And I'm beginning to wonder about whether or not Will Smith is gonna play for the Saints this year. 4 games is a long time, and Smith makes a lot of $$$ for 12 games max. Just sayin'.

The Eagles hype is really starting to annoy.

If any of you assholes scoop me out of this before I get a chance to put together a blog post on it tomorrow, I will kick you in the nuts. But I really REALLY like what the Saints have been doing to fix the special teams coverage units this offseason. You've got "Reis Nuts" and Casillas coming back from injury. Re-signed Prioleau and Roby. Brought in Amaya, Herring, Johnny Patrick, Nate Bussey and maybe this DeAndre McDaniel dude sticks because of ST. Now I'm not sure they keep Casillas on ST if he's the starting WLB, and I don't know if Roby makes the 53 if Sproles returns punts and kickoffs. But still. Even if you don't count those 2 guys, the Saints' coverage units are likely to be RADICALLY different this year. Improvement? Remains to be seen. But clearly a balls-out effort to fix that problem. Now let's just cross our fingers and hope that Payton is right and we're all wrong about Greg McMahon being a terrible ST coordinator.

KEVIN:
Thank you for starting, Ralph. Beat me to it.

Sorry for the diversion, but: FUCK Mike & Mike. I'm driving to work and nearly swerve off the road cause those two clown shoes have the audacity to suggest that Andy Reid is a "real good coach" and that anyone says otherwise isn't looking at things clearly and doesn't know what they're talking about. Bullshit, fellas. They were naming all the other accomplished coaches of "the era" and not one of those dipshits mentioned Sean Payton.

In his first year as a head coach, Payton beat Reid in the playoffs. Why? Cause Andy freaking Reid has the clock management skills of an impatient toddler.

So if the league was stripped of all its coaches and the teams could essentially "draft" a new head coach, based on current results up until now (guys currently coaching), where does Andy Reid fall?

1. Bill Belichick
2. Sean Payton
3. Mike Tomlin
4. Jim Caldwell / Peyton Manning
5. Mike McCarthy
6. Rex Ryan
7. Tom Coughlin
8. Andy Reid
9. Mike Smith
10. John Harbaugh

After that it's an absolute shit show. I wouldn't touch Shanahan now with a ten foot pole.

And speaking of the Eagles...Mike & Mike then had the audacity to suggest that the Saints were the FOURTH--let that sink in--best team in the NFC, behind Green Bay, Philly and Atlanta. I know everybody slurps Ashmongudusuduasd whatever his name is (including me), but that doesn't mean Philly is more a threat to win the NFC than the Saints. And Atlanta? Are they fucking high?!?

Eagles will get credited for "winning the off-season" but that's nonsense. If the Saints aren't up there, it's ridiculous. And the NFC is basically: 1. Green Bay, 1a. Saints ... 3. everyone else. Am I off in this line of thinking?

Theme of my post: AUDACITY!

RALPH:
Kevin I'd agree about Reid but I'd put him #4. To me he's alot like Les Miles. He's fantastic but his one flaw when it comes up is a burning herpes sore on super model. It can ruin you. I mean Reid runs that team and never forget he is really good at kissing up to the media with his aww shucks fat guy act so they love him. The Redskins won a bunch off off season titles too.

by the way this line slayed me...Cause Andy freaking Reid has the clock management skills of an impatient toddler

now onto Wang…

I won't scoop you on the special team angle but it's a good one to talk about. I really think Payton is finally giving Greg McMahon no excuses. If we don't see improvements this year I really think he goes to the chopping block. My worry about McBride is the Ray Edwards reason. Was he benefiting from the Lions very loaded D line? Suh is just a fucking freak and I watched most of the Lions games and by week 3 teams were like, "Suh gets double teamed or our QB will be dead."

I think McBride's ceiling is 2008 Bobby McCray. In '08 McCray started 8 games and had 6 sacks. I'd sign up for that right now.

Is McBride the Saints 'big move' at DE? I hope not but my gut says it probably is.

If Dave Thomas isn't resigned where do saints turn for TE help?

WANG:
"If Dave Thomas isn't resigned where do saints turn for TE help?"

BUCK ORTEGA!!!!!!! Drew still owes him a TD.

Tyler Lorenzen!
Shawn Ryan!
Nate Lawrie!
Eddie Boo Williams!
Lamont Hall!
Hoby Brenner!
John Tice!

But seriously..... ZACH HILTON!!!!!

RALPH:
Problem Solved!

Eddie Boo Williams dropped that TD against the Bengals in 2002 and I'm still very bitter about it.

Should Saints pursue Osi Umenyiora of the Giants via trade? New York wants a #1 which the Saints don't have but I say even if they come down in price it should still be no. He's been injury prone the last few years and the Saints already mortgaged a bit of the future for Ingramania. It will be totally worth it but I think they shouldn't trade any more of the 2012 draft away.

WANG:
Around my house, we refer to him as Osi HumanUrine. And while it would be BIG FUN to be able to say that several times every week, I think I'd pass too.

Bring back the Vanilla Gorilla and call it a day. (Unless the plan is to part ways with Will Smith, which I admit might be a little far-fetched, I'm just saying that if they DO do that, then you've probably gotta make another move.)

DAVE:
The Saints will definitely need to re-sign David Thomas. There is currently no depth behind Jimmy Graham. Without Thomas, they're fucked at tight end.

But I want to know whether Heath Evans is coming back or not? Do you think he's pooping in his pants right now? Do you think Payton refuses to re-sign him because he blew Payton's cover on the whole Drew knee surgery story this off-season?

RALPH:
Dave, I'm not sure what to think about Evans. On the one hand you are completely correct to think Payton would not resign him because he doesn't toe the line and Payton bullies everybody to do things exactly how he wants even the media. On the other hand I can't think the Saints wouldn't sign him if they think he's the best guy for them.

My guess is it's Payton/Loomis knowing they can make him sweat because Heath Evans isn't in high demand by other teams and it sends a message of, "Do what we tell you and SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T TALK TO THAT SAINTS BLOG CHRONICLES OF CANAL STREET OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. "

I'll be interviewing Drew Magary of Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber this week (Thursday).

What do you think Saints fans would want to hear from him?

SAINTS NATION:
Heath Evans will be back. I feel pretty strong about that. Locker room presence, character, combined with the fact that the fullbacks they have in training camp right now aren't as good as what they had last training camp (Zak Keasey & Jason McKie).

I'm getting pretty sick of this Cameron Jordan routine. He was pretty much handed a starting spot when he was drafted. Alex Brown is over the hill, and Will Smith is going to be suspended the first 4 games. He has almost no competition for a starting role. He was guaranteed a starting role until he pulled this holdout BS. His agents need to get this done TODAY, period. Who cares about 3 years guaranteed vs. 4 years, if Jordan plays the way we all expect him to the Saints will pay him the length of his first contract regardless of what's guaranteed. The bottom line is that every single minute he's out of camp, the more behind he gets. This isn't a 7 year veteran we're talking about, we're talking about a rookie who's never even smelled a down in the NFL before. He needs to be there on time. I realize the lockout delayed things but for F's sake there's only 6 guys left unsigned. What is his agent waiting for??? The pick ahead of him and the pick behind him are gone. He needs to sign TODAY. Enough is enough. I thought the new CBA was supposed to fix this bullshit.

RALPH:
Mike Florio on PFT had an interesting solution to the 'I want 4 years guaranteed' issue. Teams could guarantee years 2-4. It basically means everything is locked in because what team will cut a #1 pick who gets injured this year in camp? But team can save face and say, "We didn't guarantee the whole contract"

Andrew you are totally right though, everyday he misses he'll be less and less of a factor. And the Saints I'd argue need Jordan to be a big factor especially early with Will Smith likely to sit the first month.

Andrew is fired up now about Jordan missing time but when do we hit the high digits on the Official Dave Cariello Chronic Panic Meter* on his holdout? I say if Jordan is not in camp by Friday it's a 9 for me...that's threat level Orange for those using the terrorism scale.

*The Official Dave Cariello Chronic Panic Meter is sponsored by Yahoo Fantasy Sports and Crack Cocaine

KEVIN:
Maybe Jordan's agent is trying to strong-arm things knowing that Will Smith will miss games?

And I'm with Dave on Heath Evans. Payton's definitely letting him twist in the wind.

RALPH:
I think the agents of rookies are probably trying to set the precedent with the first batch of new rookie deals that while the money is lower the contract is guaranteed. Think of it this way, if most rookies get 4 yrs guaranteed this year then next year the agents say "Well everyone did it last year." And GMs realize rookie contracts will grow over time and while that extra yr may not be so much now it might be in say 2018. So they want to hold the line.

Anthony Hargrove possible departure makes me even more nervous about D line. That position is looking extremely thin to me.

WANG:
"Anthony Hargrove possible departure makes me even more nervous about D line. That position is looking extremely thin to me."

TOM JOHNSON, BITCHES!

RALPH:

If Tom Johnson has either a preseason sack or a regular season tackle you can pick the song and I'll sing the first two verses on the podcast.

Wang's optimism brings up a good question: Who will be surprise cut and who will be a surprise guy to make the roster?

Courtney Roby is my surprise guy to get cut. Not a shocker but I think he'll be squeezed with Sproles able to return kicks and special team depth Saints have added

Surprise guy who makes it: Clint Ingram gets healthy and pushes hard for a roster spot

By the way I know it was the 1% douche bag fans that smiled over Jim Henderson fainting at Saints camp because of his Bush Commentary but Henderson is a treasure all Saints fans should appreciate. He's over 60 and won't do play by play forever much less his commentary and once he's gone the Saints will find some 30 year old kid to do play by play who paints his face and yells Who Dat between plays who Benson can pay nothing. Most NFL teams are going towards running their own radio network and owning the station the teams games are on. The Redskins do it and while fans hate the teams print money doing it.

Eventually the Saints will do the same. Hell Benson already owns Fox 8. All I'm saying is enjoy Henderson because when he's gone listening to the Saints won't be the same and there won't be any objective voices left in the regular media.

WANG:
The whole "Henderson deserved what he got for talking shit about REG-GIE!!!!" thing was absolutely disgusting. Some people just don't deserve to breathe.

Surprise guy who sticks: Jared Fayson (the new Adrian Arrington beats out the old Adrian Arrington)
Surprise cut: Dare I say it? Chris Ivory? Can't make the club in the tub.

I'm not saying I'd WANT that. Hell, stick him on PUP and then IR if it comes to that. Just pulling a bold prediction out of my ass is all.

KEVIN:
Actually, when I saw Wang's tweet about Hendu getting on a golf cart, I just made the "Did he make sure to back over Reggie's corpse this time?" joke, not knowing he had a heat stroke or anything. I wouldn't dare try to crack on Hendu about his health or anything bad happening to him. And Ralph is spot fucking on about "enjoying it while it lasts" with Hendu. He makes us seem big team in the broadcast booth. Who could possibly replace him?

As for cuts: I'll go out on a limb and say the safety from Clemson, just to be goofy

Don't know about a surprise keeper. Clint sounds fine.

RALPH:
I will not even acknowledge the who could possibly replace him? Because I don't want to consider it because that future is dark and scary. I think the way Kevin described Henderson 'He makes us seem big team in the broadcast booth' is about the best way I've ever heard him described. Henderson could have been a national play by play guy and was for a few years. He just likes living in NOLA and didn't feel the need to go to a bigger market. So the Saints have an A+ play by play guy because of a lucky break.

DAVE:
Ugh, what if Deke, Hokie or Bobby replaced him? Oh, dear.

Also, what's going to happen when Jerry Romig dies? Who will do in stadium announcing?

RALPH:
And suddenly the 'Chain' turns into Deathwatch.

Ok, I'll bite...

When Henderson retires all Saints fans should get on their hands and knees and pray WWL radio has as little say in Henderson's replacement as possible. I find their Saints coverage just above poor. They never break news and my mom is more objective. But if you love homerism and pom pom waving then WWL radio is fantastic.

Ken Trahan would probably walk through glass to get the Saints play by play job but I'm guessing Saints go young and keep and it's someone not local. My hope is Henderson would maybe decide to retire from WWL-TV but keep doing Saints games and as long as he stays relatively healthy he can go into his 70's? Hell the Astros have an 83 year old doing their radio play by play although baseball is different.

I'd guess the guy how does Hornets games and announcing at Saints games Romig doesn't do wold take over everything.

KEVIN: 
I'll be honest: Jerry Romig has a good voice, but I can't understand a god damn thing he says in the Dome. Could it be his voice or is it the system?

DAVE:
I think it's the system. "COOOOOOOOOLSTON!"

RALPH:
Roming is one of the touches that make Saints game so fantastic. By the way one of my most favorite yet overrated experiences every year is going to/watching Saints first preseason game.

I'm always geeked for it and then like 10 minutes after it starts and Chase Daniels is taking snaps and Drew is on the sideline smiling I'm like, "Stupid preseason game." Although that first SuperDome hotdog is glorious I tell you GLORIOUS.

Read on Bucstats.com that Da’Quan Bowers' trick knee is looking delicious and dude is tearing shit up. What is everyone's thoughts on the Bucs going into 2011?

I think Josh Freeman will be better than Ryan eventually and blount and Williams give them a nice offense to build around. I'm guessing they regress to 7-9 , 8-8, but Freeman for some reason scares me way more than Ryan

KEVIN:

Uh, Ralph, Bill Simmons' legion of devout interns contacted me and demanded that Mr. Freeman from here on it be called "Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!" Freeman.

Yeah, he looks impressive. I don't know yet if I'd put him above Matt Ryan. Speaking of Ryan, ESPN has some new QB calculation that lists Matt Ryan as one of the 6 elite quarterbacks in the game, along with Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers and Vick. Are you kidding me? Boot Ryan. I'd be tempted to boot Vick too, due to injury concerns.

But I definitely see the Bucs regressing. I can see them going 8-8, with Freeman maybe saving them on one of those games. They'll still be a tough out in Tampa.

RALPH:
(Cam) Jordan signs! I can stop worrying about DE until I see the Saints play a preseason game and make snap irrational judgments off of 10 plays by the #1 defense.

KEVIN:
What? No love for Tory Humphrey? Our tight end troubles are over!!!

WANG:
Aubrayo Franklin dickwads!!! Just hand us the fucking Lombardi now!

RALPH:
Yes YES YES AND FUCK YES!

From Bill Barnwell Football Outsiders/Grantland:

Why: Because he doesn't rush the passer or accrue stats in his role as the nose tackle in the 3-4, Franklin has flown under the national radar. He lacks the elite athleticism of Haloti Ngata or the massive frame of Albert Haynesworth, but no interior lineman in football is better at reading blocking schemes and manipulating the offensive front. He creates double-teams by occupying two offensive linemen on most plays, freeing up Patrick Willis to make plays behind him. It's safe to say that he's popular with his teammates; as Willis noted during the 2010 offseason, "I pray to God they keep Aubrayo."

Why not: Franklin really has only two seasons of dominant play underneath his belt, and they both came in contract years. (Franklin was franchised by the 49ers after the 2009 season.) The 49ers are trying to get the word out that Franklin's 2010 season wasn't all that great, but if he did slip, it was only because he was downright incredible in 2009.

Switching to 4-3 could be a concern but Saints under the Double G are all over the place formation wise. This might seem strange but I think the Saints just got better at LB.

They now have two huge DT Rogers and Franklin to clog the middle while the LB roam free or Harper blitzes.

This is the best FA Period ever. NFL needs to do this every year.

Sign Goodwin and Baconator and this Bitch is ready to ROLL!

RALPH:
AND (now) THE BACONATOR. Just awesome. Having a kick ass GM running my football team is great and makes watching Ed Wade of the Astros huff paint thinner while doing trades appreciate it even more.

KEVIN:
Aubrayo? Sounds like a hard to pronounce/spell name! I win!

RALPH:
On twitter someone asked if this Saints defense with all the new additions would be the best Saints Defense in 10 years or maybe 20?

I say it could be best since 2000. That defense was spectacular at one thing, sacking the QB. The Saints had 66 sacks that year. It's still the NFL record for sacks in a season I think.

3 guys (Darren Howard, La'roi Glover and Joe Johnson) all had double digits with Glover dropping 17 and putting on a display no other DT ever has in a Saints uniform. He was an unblockable force. The game in St. Louis that year was his master piece; 4 sacks including the game clincher. That team had Sammy Knight in the secondary and Keith Mitchell made a Pro Bowl. Besides that not much besides an old Darren Smith and Darren Perry.

This year's team I think could be a wall against the run because of DT(Rogers, Franklin, Ellis) and great at safety(Harper/)Jenkins and good at corner. I'm not so sure they'll be as dominant in one area as that 2000 team was at killing the QB.

Still this team was Top 5 last year and they are clearly better at DT. So expectations are right to be sky high?

WANG:
Damn right expectations are sky high. I feel like a douche for going all "19-0!!!" with it (again) but seriously, holy shit. When I saw that Pat Kirwan was saying yesterday that the Saints have basically built the Ravens' defense from 10 years ago, I popped a huge chubby.

The sky is the limit. The next 6 months are gonna be some serious fun. In my opinion, this team is not just a little better than the 2009 team, it's a good bit better. I'm not sure Tampa is really ready from primetime just yet, and Atlanta blew their shot last year. EVERYTHING went right for them last year, just like it did for the Saints in 2009. It was "their year" and they blew it. What was it, 5 games they pulled out of their asses on dumb luck? They're gonna regress this year.

RALPH:
I really like Pat Kirwan because he is a hard core tape watcher not just a Peter King, "I write a column so you think I know shit but I don't really watch actual games."

Wang here is where I think the Saints plan on defense is brilliant. Injuries or poor performance could make it not unfold but on paper it's awesome and here's why:

The Saints offense will score a crap load of points with Brees so what's the book on how to beat the Saints? Pressure the crap out of Brees and pound the ball on the ground with your offense to shorten the game.

Well on defense the Saints literally have a fucking ton of DT that says, "Run it at us bitches. You'll get stuffed like my granma's bellpeppers and oh look Drew just hit Jimmy Graham and it's 14-0. Still want to go 3 and out? Didn't think so. Now Double G is going to unleash blitzagedon on you because you have to throw."

Rinse and repeat until at least week 6 when teams give up running? Nice.

Plus the experiment at DT is a one year thing so if it works..Lombardi if not no long term commitment By the way the additions at DT make me think Double G will get the absolute best out of Martez Wilson.

KEVIN:
Does Kirwan have a Twitter feed? The only NFL guys I follow are Schefter, Breer and Glazer, and I'm considering dumping Shefty.

Look, the 2009 defense was built on turnovers; taking chances at turnovers. I remember us saying during the preseason and even early in the season: even if we're middle of the pack, I want a defense that is prepared to KILL! KILL! KILL! (KSK'd). Sure we'll get beaten big on some plays, but I'd rather be seen as aggressive. We just wanted a wake up from the Jason David "error." #imakethefunny But now we may have a defense that can have an effective blitz AND stop the run? And we might be making strides in pass protection? Yeah, I'll go 2000.

We have a playoff team on paper.

And if Breesus cuts back on the INTs, we can all ask the Philly fans to tell us how our ass tastes.

WANG:
Shit, you're not aiming high enough, Kevin. This defense is finally gonna be able to pressure the QB without HAVING to blitz. Even better. Which isn't to say that GW isn't gonna unleash the hounds, because of course he will. But being able to pressure the QB with the front 4? There's your turnovers. And far fewer dump off options over the middle with RBs & TEs. Malcolm Jenkins is about to turn into Ed Reed, and McBride and Ellis are both fumble producers (along with Roman Harper who's also a fumble producer.)

This shit is gonna be nuts.

Oh and Ralph, I need you to do me a favor while you're interviewing Big Daddy Drew. Pick a thing he says about the Saints that's negative but true, and tell him I said [BostonGuy]NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!![/BostonGuy]

RALPH:
Nice. I'll also be asking him who isn't real; Him or Rex Ryan? Ryan just got fucking tattoo on his leg so clearly either Drew is a writer who secretly coaches the Jets or Ryan is a coach who secretly writes. They both can't possibly exist.

Also when and how does a team go from warm, cuddly, and everyone loves them to I FUCKING HATE THEM, THEIR FANS, THEIR CITY, THE COACH, AND I HOPE THEY FALL DOWN A WELL. The Pats were America's team in the NOLA Super Bowl in 2001. Now...they are pretty much loathed. Send anything else you want asked my way. I'm open to ideas and want to hit this one out the park.

KEVIN:
Yeah, extend that parellel to the Saints. I mean, Drew's a Vikings fan. Shouldn't he have hated us in 2009? KSK really didn't blast us that much. Even in 2010. Hell, anytime Brees gets mentioned, everybody has an ongoing joke about how nice he is.

RALPH:
Does anybody have Matt Roth fever? Oh I do. He seems like the perfect guy for Gregg Williams. Versatile and gives the Saints more depth at DE. Of course part of me hats that the signing would make my podcast with Magary an afterthought today but whatever...MATT ROTH.

Mickey Loomis is maxing out the 'Sign a Veteran who wants a title' credit card. GOOD TIMES.

KEVIN:
Ralph, Simmons' legion of angry interns have said Billy Baroo owns the term "good times" apparently and no one else is allowed to use that phrase…ever.

Hakim Drops the Ball Rises

'The Dark Knight Rises' trailer was supposed to be up top, but I couldn't find a video to embed. There was supposed to be a theme here. Plus, Gary Oldman's wheezing line delivery is the best. "He...must... ... RISE!" But alas, no video.

I have not posted since the middle of February. Sorry about that. I know Ralph got shit from some people because he only wrote a few columns for WWLTV.com since February. Grandmaster Wang managed to write about ten pieces between the end of the Saints' season and present day.

So why nothing from me? Oh, I'd like to tell you it was because I couldn't find anything inspiring to say, or I didn't feel like wading into all the lockout nonsense. Hell, I wish could say, "because I was writing the great American novel." But if I'm being straightforward with you and honest with myself, the real answer is even simpler: laziness.

True, I didn't want to say anything about the lockout, but I could've said something about the draft, or written about Reggie Bush, or even done one or three of those 'KSK-inspired' posts in which Thomas Morstead goes on a vacation to Comic-Con. Some ideas were there, folks. But I kept pushing things off until a later time, when I thought I could "give it my all" so-to-speak. That's a crock. With me, if I can start off by giving something, say, 70 to 80 percent of me, that's a significant accomplishment. It's why I don't cut my grass until somebody jokes about animals grazing off of it, or why I don't cut my hair until somebody says I look like the lead singer of a CCR cover band.

And the second reason I've been so lax on posting is this: contentment. I mean, we are just 18 months removed from watching the Saints win the Super Bowl. High five! (check's in the mail, Wang.) Everything I could want as a sports fan came to fruition. I honestly felt like that moment of catharsis was like that final note in 'A Day in the Life" by The Beatles. How do you top that? Short answer: you don't. And more importantly, you can't. Sure, I cheered for the Saints and wanted them to win every single game last year, and was royally pissed when they lost to the damn Seahawks in the playoffs, but it took me a long time to get over my own contentment.

I hope this note explains my absence from the conversation. I aim to be back in mid-season form by the start of the regular season. Let's do this.

Getting the anniversary card in a day late...

So this happened ten years ago yesterday:



Good times. It's not only the namesake for this very (poorly run) blog, but it's also my favorite play in Saints history. Sure, you could go with the Gleason punt block or Tracy Porter's pick-six of Peyton Manning, or even Garrett Hartley's game-winning FG in the NFCCG. All very worthy.

However, before Hell could freeze over, we had to know it existed. And to understand that, we had to be sure there was really a Heaven. But to believe that, we had to know "there is a God after all."

Brian Milne played only five seasons in the NFL. He was a fullback. He was something of a journeyman: drafted by the Colts (in 1996, same year they got Marvin Harrison) but placed on waivers, picked up by the Bengals, whom he played with sparingly over four season, was subsequently dumped in 1999 and then picked up by the Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks showed him the exit after one year, and that's when the Saints came knocking.

Milne retired after that season with the Black & Gold. He left his mark on the St. Louis Rams, though, scoring a touchdown against them in a 31-24 win on November 26, 2000, and later, recovering "the muff by Hakim." I'd like to think the diehard Rams fans have nightmares about Brian Milne, much the same way I wake in a cold sweat sometimes thinking about Joe Montana dominating the old NFC West.

And with ten years gone by, I think it's time for Brian Milne to receive some kind of proper honor. Looking at his player profile, it's clear that Brian Milne is not exactly Saints Hall of Fame material, let alone NFL Hall of Fame material. But that shouldn't stop the organization from honoring him.

I think the team owes is Brian Milne to give him a special half time presentation to go over that moment in time. Hey, this Sunday's as good as any other, right? I mean, it IS the 10 year anniversary. And while we're talking about honoring Brian Milne, I think the guy deserves the "Joe Gemelli Fleur De Lis Award" as well.

And...(yes, there's an "AND") he deserves some kind of new honor. Something that a guy of middling accomplishment who had such an indelible impact on the franchise deserves. Brian Milne may not hae been an All Pro, but he was an All Saint for one glorious moment. And for that moment, the man should never have to pay for a beer in the city of New Orleans ever again. Call it the "Your Money's No Good Here" Award or something, I don't really care. Let somebody smarter than me come up with a name for it (lights the 'Wang Signal').

Brian Milne is an unsung hero whose moment of triumph deserves high praise for all times. Don't misunderstand. Brian Milne wasn't a man for all seasons. Looking at his record, he really wasn't much of a man for football season. But his actions lifted the Saints and its fans to a higher place. A joyous place. One that fans don't get to experience very often, let alone fans of a long downtrodden franchise.

He brought his exubrance and exhaltation. And for that he has earned not only a permament place in our hearts and minds, but a fitting memorial to stand the test of time.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 14 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth. But first...HAPPY FAVREANUKAH!



32. Carolina Panthers (1-12)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11)
30. Denver Broncos (3-10)
29. Detroit Lions (3-10)
28. Minnesota Vikings (5-8): No more rock out with your cock out, Favre!
27. Arizona Cardinals (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (3-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-8)
24. Seattle Seahawks (6-7)
23. San Francisco 49ers (5-8)
22. Dallas Cowboys (4-9)
21. Cleveland Browns (5-8)

Regarding the NFC West and my sick desires to see a sub-.500 team win, I'll turn things over to Big Daddy Drew from Deadspin:

"Anyway, the point is that a 7-9 team winning the West is still possible and in fact likely. I know a lot of people may bitch about it if it happens, but I think it's kind of cool. I mean, it takes a staggering amount of futility on the part of an entire division to conspire to get a 7-9 team into the playoffs. It's a miraculous convergence of shitty quarterbacking, horrible team management, and Pete Carroll. With Sam Bradford getting better and better, we may not see the likes of the 2010 NFC West ever again. So savor the flavor, everyone. You are watching history being made. Terrible, terrible history."

What he said.

20. Tennessee Titans (5-8)
19. St. Louis Rams (6-7)
18. Houston Texans (5-8): I legit sympathize with the Texans. That finish was a true kick to the nuts.
17. Oakland Raiders (6-7)
16. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5)
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5)
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-6)
12. San Diego Chargers (7-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (8-5)

And now, a parrot singing "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor":



10. New York Jets (9-4)
9. Chicago Bears (9-4)
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5)
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-4)
6. New York Giants (9-4)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4)
3. New Orleans Saints (10-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-2)
1. New England Patriots (11-2): Barring some kind of bad loss to a vastly inferior team these last three weeks, I can't really see the Patriots sliding from this spot.

And this would be Denise Milani, who's hogging up all the world's denim in this picture:

NFL Power Rankings (Week 13 - 2010)

Yeah, I'm doing this prior to the week 14 games and AFTER the Thursday night game. Note: the Colts near choke is not factored into this one. I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-11)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-10) - Screwed by the refs twice. Against the Bears. Bad times.
28. Denver Broncos (3-9)
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
26. Buffalo Bills (2-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-7)
24. Tennessee Titans (5-7)
23. Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): JUST CLICK THIS LINK. Now that's a great hit...
21. Cleveland Browns (5-7)

20. Seattle Seahawks (6-6)
19. Miami Dolphins (6-6)
18. Houston Texans (5-7)
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6)
16. Oakland Raiders (6-6)
15. Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
14. San Diego Chargers (6-6)
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5)
11. New York Giants (8-4)



10. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4)
9. New York Jets (9-3)
8. Green Bay Packers (8-4)
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
6. Chicago Bears (9-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
4. New Orleans Saints (9-3) - Still lurking, assholes...
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (10-2)
1. New England Patriots (10-2) - How ESPN ranks them behind the Falcons after the Pats' DESTROYED the Jets on MNF is beyond reason or understanding.

Oh, and here's a message to Brady and the Pats, and Matty Ice and the Falcons, courtesy of Mr. Johnny Cash:

Saints 2010 Regular Season Prediction

I'm already on record with "11-5." Now's the part where I get specific on how they reach 11-5 and win the division. Reminder: I'm not doing playoff predictions. I'm only predicting that the Saints will make the postseason, like last year. What they do from there is totally lagniappe.

1. Minnesota Vikings (W 30-24) (Ed. note: That's what I said on the radio show.)

2. @San Francisco 49ers (L 23-17)

3. Atlanta Falcons (W 28-17)

4. Carolina Panthers (W 30-20)

5. @Arizona Cardinals (W 24-13)

6. @Tampa Bay Bucs (W 27-14)

7. Cleveland Browns (W 45-24)

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (W 42-9) FUCK YOU BANDWAGON STEELERS FAN!!!!



9. @Carolina Panthers (L 20-17)

10. Seattle Seahawks (W 28-14)

11. @Dallas Cowboys (L 24-20)

12. @Cincinnati Bengals (W 20-9)

13. St. Louis Rams (W 34-15)

14. @Baltimore Ravens (L 17-14)

15. @Atlanta Falcons (L 27-24)

16. Tampa Bay Bucs (W 34-10)

What a Saints Super Bowl win means to me ("I Can't Explain")

Grandmaster Wang can't be the only Saints blogger getting in on all The Who love here. Oh sure, he gets more attention and comments because he's "got a nicer looking web page," "writes pieces in a timely manner," and "is consistently hilarious." But I digress...

Now that I've turned my Bennett Brauer button off, let's get on with this piece.

What would a win do for me, your humble narrator? Well, there's the obvious fulfillment and validation for following and supporting a team, particularly special because it's your hometown team and the first team you ever really followed. I suppose the sheer euphoria would last me all the way through next season. Lord knows if there's a lock-out, a potential Saints Super Bowl win would have to sustain me for that painful period when there's no NFL to be had. And at the same time, if the Saints won the Super Bowl, the team could go 0-16 the following year and I wouldn't ... well, I can't say I wouldn't care, but it wouldn't be the soul crushing bout of depression it could have been otherwise.

I know for a fact what I won't be doing and that's casting myself as some sort of bullshit "Ghost Whisperer" for sports fans whose teams haven't won a championship in forever. (I'm looking at you, Bill Simmons.)

And while Saints fans have long understood that the whole "this team is rebuilding the city" story line is mostly bollocks, the Saints are providing enough of a positive vibe for people around town and for fans to go through the daily grind. I may not live in the GNO anymore, but I understand what a positive vibe means for the city. A Super Bowl win would take that positive vibe to new, uncharted heights. And while I obviously have my disagreements and dislikes about the city and what goes on in it, I want this win for the people.

You've read or likely heard before that my father was one of the first people in line to buy season tickets when the franchise came to town in 1967. He stopped going to games after Archie left because he believed the franchise didn't give two shits. Being fan and going to games hurt too damn much, so he cancelled his season tickets. Yeah, he's been to some games here and there--he's even gone on the road to Seattle, Kansas City and Washington D.C. to watch the team over the last few years--but I don't think he would ever entertain the thought of getting season tickets again. I want a Saints win for him.

My older brother -- you heard him in the NFC Championship Game postgame radio show. You could listen to his voice again and understand what this Super Bowl berth means. And at the same time you'd know what a Super Bowl victory would mean. I want the Saints to win for him.

Many fans have had personal tragedy tied in with this team. People have lost family members over the years and have poured themselves into their Saints fandom as some sort of coping mechanism. Maybe it's Katrina-related, maybe it isn't; point is, they've turned to the Saints. My friend Ralph has really leaned on the Saints this year after losing his dad. For him, and all the others like him, I want the Saints to win.

I've done the radio show with Ralph for a few years now, and Dave over at Canal Street Chronicles joined us in the past year and has really helped bring the show to where it should be. Dave's admittedly only been a Saints fan for 10 years, but you don't get involved in a Saints blog--probably the best, most well-run sports blog for the team--if you don't give a damn and aren't passionate about them. Same thing for Grandmaster Wang. And what of the callers to said radio show? You don't just call an internet radio show hosted by three schmucks if you're from El Paso, Lafayette, Birmingham, Charlotte or Las Vegas -- not unless you have passion for the team. I've never met any of these people face to face and with the exception of maybe Dave and Wang I likely will not have an opportunity to met them. And I want the Saints to win for them as well.

It almost goes without saying that I want the Saints to win for themselves. Tom Benson deserves to have this kind of chapter written into his legacy with the fans. I want this so much for Drew Brees and Sean Payton that it hurts. If the Saints were ever smart enough to have a Ring of Honor in the Dome, you'd have to put those two guys in it with a Super Bowl win. Hell, bronze statues would be in order. Jeremy Shockey deserves to have a new chapter in his career where he's not just some drunken, womanizing hooligan. The word "champion" should have to go in front of all that. Darren Sharper may not have too many years left in his career. Hell, I could even see him retiring after this year. But I want him to have another ring. Anthony Hargrove has been through a personal hell and back. Mark Brunell has been around the league almost as long as Brett Favre. Thomas "Puntmaster Flex" Morstead deserves a ring, if only to show that drafting a punter with your fourth and final pick in a draft can be worthwhile. Marques Colston was nearly Mr. Irrelevant in the draft, Pierre Thomas wasn't even drafted, and Robert Meachem was a first round pick who vanished for his rookie season. Reggie Bush, gunning for that big contract and more importantly some respect around the league, deserves a win. I could run down the roster, but they all deserve rings. I want it for them.

And if the Saints do win, knowing what a win would mean for everyone I mentioned (even those I didn't mention) makes it even more special for me.

My Saints fandom -- A legacy of fear and diminished expectation

It’s Super Bowl Eve and I’m terrified, afraid of what could happen to the New Orleans Saints on Sunday night. This improbable season has perhaps made a lot of people forget that Saints fans are a worrisome bunch. We’ve spent the overwhelming majority of the last four decades waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nine winning seasons in 40-plus years will do that to a fanbase.

My father was one of the first people to get season tickets heading into the ’67 inaugural season at Tulane Stadium. He brought my older brother to games at the Superdome beginning in the late 70s. My dad got me to love the Saints from as early as I can remember.

Oddly enough, my earliest memory of the Saints’ misfortune came in a playoff game – the team’s first postseason appearance. It was against the Vikings. The Saints were blown out 44-10, and Rueben Mayes was injured and never the same player. My paternal grandparents had a Saints’ schedule poster in their kitchen and had written the scores on the poster all year long. Every time I visited, I had to look up at this poster and see that 44-10 score. I was seven-years-old, but my thirst for football vengeance was blooming.

Of course, the Saints went 12-3 that year, so surely there would be plenty more playoff trips. After all, we had one of the best defenses in the league. The only problem was we played in the same division as Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. Damn it all. The Saints had a three-year run of playoff appearances at the beginning of the 90s, but that was it – playoff drought thereafter.

In 2000, in their 33rd year of existence, the Saints finally won a playoff game, only to be thwarted yet again by the Minnesota Vikings in the Divisional Round. And again, my football vengeance was denied. But again, the thought was that we would see the playoffs again. We had the Coach of the Year in Jim Haslett and a young, mobile, athletic quarterback named Aaron Brooks.

By the bitter end of the Haslett-Brooks era (or “error” as my friends and I called it), culminating with home games played in Baton Rouge, San Antonio and New York City because of Hurricane Katrina, all I wanted was a coach that didn’t have a deer in the headlights look on his face, and a quarterback who actually show frustration over throwing an interception and not grin like a child.

I’m not rehashing the four years of the Payton-Brees era since it’s still fresh in everyone’s memory.

Instead, I’m returning to my initial sentiment: being terrified coming into the Super Bowl. I don’t know if I would say I’m always waiting for something to go wrong with the Saints. (I’d be higher strung, if it were even possible.) I tend to think of all the things that can go wrong. Perhaps I’ve read the Hagakure too much and tricked my mind into always thinking about horrible things. I blame the movie “Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai.”

And while I’m in favor of the bye week between the NFC and AFC Championship Games, I’ve spent the last 13 days with a sense of looming dread. I can see the Colts running up the score early en route to a repeat of the Niners-Chargers Super Bowl; I picture Peyton Manning dispensing the ball with deadly accuracy and embarrassing the Saints’ secondary on his way to a near perfect QB rating and a second Super Bowl MVP trophy. I’ve even pictured injuries to Saints players during the game. I won’t go into greater detail for fear it might happen.

And I’ve become increasingly superstitious as the season wore on. I’ll be watching this Super Bowl not at a friend’s house or at some party with co-workers, but at the bar I’ve frequented this whole year. And I plan to wear the same clothes I’ve had on for the previous playoff games against the Cardinals and Vikings. I even shaved an awkward “playoff beard” for this magical run. I had the intention of going for a Chester A. Arthur look but instead look like the lead singer of a poor man’s Creedence Clearwater Revival cover band.

See, I think if you caught most Saints fans in their private moments when they were weren’t imbibing booze and whatever else to get them in a partying mood, they’d probably be the same way. We’re scared, but not doubters. We want confidence, but not cockiness. This team has instilled a sense of confidence in the fanbase over the course of this year. We believe we belong in the Super Bowl. We know we belong in the game.

But here is the hardest part: we believe we’re capable of winning, but do we possess confidence that the team can? I think so.

Because for all the horrible images that fill my head of the Colts throttling the Saints, or watching Peyton Manning lead a game-winning drive in the waning moments of the fourth quarter, I can also picture Drew Brees lobbing a 40-yard bomb to Devery Henderson for a touchdown, or imagine Pierre Thomas barreling over a defender for a score. I can’t control my fears of watching the team I love lose on Sunday, but I can hopefully temper them with the belief of a Saints victory.

KSK reminds me I am but a petty amateur

Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber just worked the Saints into his latest fictional opus. And I am floored. (chokes back tears) They...should have...sent a poet.

A big, hearty f*ck you...

In light of the Saints' improbable run to the Super Bowl and victory over the Minnesota Vikings in the NFC Championship Game, the following is a list of people that can go fuck themselves. I will add select commentary behind some entries, because sometimes it's important to know why a guy has to go fuck himself. (Note: This list is made in no particular order)

Joe Buck & Troy Aikman: These Brett Favre apologists were the wrong fuckers to be calling Sunday night's game. You could almost hear tears in their voices. Jesus Christ, Gus Johnson would've blown a fucking gasket over this game, could you PRETEND to be excited for five seconds!?!?

Adrian Peterson: Fuck you for having gloves covered in KY Jelly, you fumbling fuck! "I feel they didn't win the game but we lost it." You said that. Right after the game. Fuck you in the helmet, you purple-headed asshole. That Under Armor-wannabe shit you're wearing must be cutting off the circulation to your brain. As I remember it, the only fumble that the Saints didn't cause was when you and the Favre-meister couldn't get a goddamn handoff right in the backfield....WHEN YOU WERE DEEP IN SAINTS TERRITORY, you shit-eating fuck!

Marcellus Wiley: Fuck off for picking the Vikings! And a double fuck off for saying the Cardinals were in a better spot going into their game against the Saints!

Bill Simmons: Cause fuck him, that's why.

Brett Favre: For whining to the officials early on, like they owe you favors... And for getting one of them to help your jersey back over your pads after you got rocked AGAIN by the Saints' defense... And for stirring up the "will he or won't he retire?" crap already when all you should've said was "no comment," you hick fuck!

Vikings fans who believe the game was "gifted" to the Saints: fuck you, retards. the officials fucked things up on BOTH sides of the ball, so don't act like this was some set up. if anything, the officials gave your team MORE calls early on in the game. and you STILL couldn't beat the Saints!!!

Peter King: Fuck you for mourning the Vikings' loss (read: Brett Favre's loss) first and not giving the Saints their proper due, you bias mother fucker.

Sports media: Here's the thing about the media in general (and ESPECIALLY the sports media): they have a narrative in mind for how they'd like to cover a story or see things unfold AT ALL TIMES. That's everybody. Now, sadly, there are fewer professionals in both businesses who can taper down their thoughts and feelings on something and let the facts and details dictate what should be covered and talked about. Instead, you get assholes who start rooting for Favre, cause it's a "better story to see an old guy get one more run at a title." Bullshit. The truth is, these sports writers wanted to see a guy closer to their age make a run in a young man's game and it would've made them feel a little bit better about themselves.

And finally...My former boss: Yeah, you thought I'd forget, didn't you? Right? See, NOW you can go ahead with that "Black & Gold Super Bowl" ad campaign shit. Go on, dick head, you have my permission. Fuck you, you overweight prick.

Select photos from the game...

I'm still too blubbery to write something down, so I thought I'd go with hilarious pictures that have gone through the "i can haz cheezburger" wringer. (Note: The guys at KSK do a fantastic job on their site when they do this stuff.)

Cormac McCarthy likes the NFC action this weekend, thank you very much!

Think they'll give Vilma a cattle gun to take down Favre?



I know what you're thinking: "But Kevin, why'd you misspell Brett Favre's last name? Were you trying to be funny?" Well, yes and no.

I say "no," because I realized about 20 minutes into building this thing (during breaks at work, mind you) that I spelled the fucker's name wrong. And since I'm too lazy to fix this shit, I decided, fuck it, I'll make it like "Something About Mary." So there you go.

Of course, looking at it now...I probably SHOULD have either gone back and fixed it, or at least tried to match the misspelling on Favre's jersey. And then I probably could have maybe put another couple players on the poster to cover up the dead space...

Fuck, I need to sleep...

NFL Power Rankings (Week 12)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. We all know who's at the top of the list, but hey let's go through the motions until we get there, all right? Know what sucked about these rankings in particular this week? Most teams just feel right into place, making it look a little too easy for everyone. There weren't many instances of a team with fewer wins ranked ahead of a team with more wins, etc.



32. Cleveland Browns (1-10)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10)
30. St. Louis Rams (1-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-9)
28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8)
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8)
26. Washington Redskins (3-8)
25. Chicago Bears (4-7)
24. Carolina Panthers (4-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (4-7)
22. Buffalo Bills (4-7)
21. Miami Dolphins (5-6)



20. San Francisco 49ers (5-6)
19. New York Jets (5-6)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
17. Houston Texans (5-6)
16. Atlanta Falcons (6-5)
15. New York Giants (6-5)
14. Tennessee Titans (5-6)
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5): Thanks for coming through in the FAIL for me, guys. Dickheads.
12. Denver Broncos (7-4)
11. Arizona Cardinals (7-4)



10. Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
9. Green Bay Packers (7-4)
8. New England Patriots (7-4): Go fuck yourself, Bill Simmons. Hey, here's a Rocky pop culture reference for you: know how you say championship teams have the "Eye of the Tiger?" Guess what? Drew Brees IS the Eye of the Tiger. Tom Brady? He's got the Eye of the Vagina, shit head.
7. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
6. Dallas Cowboys (8-3)
5. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3): Congrats on sweeping the AFC North. The Saints will be gunning to do the same thing. Here's weird theoretical question: What happens if the the Broncos don't pull the upset in week 1 versus the Bengals? Is it a simple case of the Bengals just being 9-2?
4. San Diego Charges (8-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (11-0)
1. New Orleans Saints (11-0): If anyone in the national sports media has Drew Brees as fourth or worse on their MVP list, I have three words for you: GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

This! Is! New Orleans!

My friend Lee found this. Whoever made this: +1,000,000 to you, sir...



I hope Darren Sharper fucking BURIES Tom Brady under the fleur-de-lis at the 50-yard line.

And by the way, am I the only one not at all fazed by the sight of Shockmeister wielding a sword and killing a man?

NFL Power Rankings (Week 11)

I obviously don't have a formula for this, but it's some kind off half-assed "strength of schedule" meets "who would win on a neutral field?" discussion. I've decided to add select comments to a few teams. I hope I don't start doing this to every team because that'll mean more work for me.

BTW...I got a dog over the weekend. His name is Doc. (I thought "Breesus" might be a bit much.) And I will be peppering this week's power rankings with pictures of him. Does that make me one of those pretentious "I love my doggy" type assholes? Sure. But this is my blog. Thanks for coming out.



32. St. Louis Rams (1-9)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-9)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-9): How bad are the fucking Browns? Bad enough to warrant me attaching THIS VIDEO. "Still Cleveland!"
29. Washington Redskins (3-7)
28. Seattle Seahawks (3-7)
27. Detroit Lions (2-8): Excellent show of grit for a team in the shitter.
26. Buffalo Bills (3-7)
25. Oakland Raiders (3-7)
24. Kansas City Chiefs (3-7): CHIEFS FTW! Way to fucking crush the spirits of all those goddamn bandwagoning Steelers fans!! Especially an overweight, piss-poor station leader in New Orleans who "suddenly" decided he was a Steelers fan in the 1970s and abandoned the Saints! Hey, asshole, I got a question for you: do you like apples?!?
23. New York Jets (4-6): Again, just so we're clear: since being beaten up by the Saints, the Jets are 1-5. Sanchez can take his virulent sexy girlfriends and fuck off.
22. Chicago Bears (4-6)
21. San Francisco (4-6)



Hey! Who's a good puppy! That's right, you are! You're such a good puppy!! Yes, yes, yes!!!

...

Uh, sorry about that. He's cute.

20. Carolina Panthers (4-6): Welcome out of the bottom third, Carolina!
19. Atlanta Falcons (5-5): We have some nice parting gifts for the Falcons for falling out of the playoff race. Lee's Press-On Nails and a three-piece travel luggage set.
18. Houston Texas (5-5): Dude, if Kris Brown is still even on the roster at the end of the year I will be stunned. I was at work last night and I remarked, "Kubiak needs to cut him" after the miss. The sports director at the station (in St. Louis) was nearby and said in a very condescending tone, "Yeah, you right, send a message!" That's the point, dick head. When the kicker fucks over the team twice in three weeks, it's time to consider trimming the fat.
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
16. Denver Broncos (6-4): Way to get smoked at home.
15. Tennessee Titans (4-6)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
13. Baltimore Ravens (5-5)
12. New York Giants (6-4)
11. Green Bay Packers (6-4)



I see you! Huh?! You like chewing on your microchip, don't you?!? Huh? Who's a cute doggie even when he's being bad!?

...

This will only get worse from here on out. You've been warned. Hopefully Doc won't show up next time The Shockmeister is around.

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-4): Oh, I waiting to put you assholes out of the top ten. Give me another reason, shit heads.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (6-4)
8. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3): How the fuck do you blow a game to the Raiders of all teams?
7. Dallas Cowboys (7-3)
6. Arizona Cardinals (7-3): If Warner's not in the lineup, this team doesn't do shit. Hmmm, sounds like a few other teams in the top team here.
5. San Diego Chargers (7-3): Winners of five straight. Can't laugh at Norv Turner now. At last, not too much.
4. New England Patriots (7-3)
3. Minnesota Vikings (9-1)
2. Indianapolis Colts (10-0): Colts are second because they got into a dicey situation with the Ravens...
1. New Orleans Saints (10-0): ...whereas the Saints blew out their opponent. Granted, their is a HUGE disparity between the Bucs and Ravens, but the Saints demonstrated that when they play mistake free football they will wax your ass like a Brazilian hooker at Mardi Gras in Rio.