Getting the anniversary card in a day late...

So this happened ten years ago yesterday:



Good times. It's not only the namesake for this very (poorly run) blog, but it's also my favorite play in Saints history. Sure, you could go with the Gleason punt block or Tracy Porter's pick-six of Peyton Manning, or even Garrett Hartley's game-winning FG in the NFCCG. All very worthy.

However, before Hell could freeze over, we had to know it existed. And to understand that, we had to be sure there was really a Heaven. But to believe that, we had to know "there is a God after all."

Brian Milne played only five seasons in the NFL. He was a fullback. He was something of a journeyman: drafted by the Colts (in 1996, same year they got Marvin Harrison) but placed on waivers, picked up by the Bengals, whom he played with sparingly over four season, was subsequently dumped in 1999 and then picked up by the Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks showed him the exit after one year, and that's when the Saints came knocking.

Milne retired after that season with the Black & Gold. He left his mark on the St. Louis Rams, though, scoring a touchdown against them in a 31-24 win on November 26, 2000, and later, recovering "the muff by Hakim." I'd like to think the diehard Rams fans have nightmares about Brian Milne, much the same way I wake in a cold sweat sometimes thinking about Joe Montana dominating the old NFC West.

And with ten years gone by, I think it's time for Brian Milne to receive some kind of proper honor. Looking at his player profile, it's clear that Brian Milne is not exactly Saints Hall of Fame material, let alone NFL Hall of Fame material. But that shouldn't stop the organization from honoring him.

I think the team owes is Brian Milne to give him a special half time presentation to go over that moment in time. Hey, this Sunday's as good as any other, right? I mean, it IS the 10 year anniversary. And while we're talking about honoring Brian Milne, I think the guy deserves the "Joe Gemelli Fleur De Lis Award" as well.

And...(yes, there's an "AND") he deserves some kind of new honor. Something that a guy of middling accomplishment who had such an indelible impact on the franchise deserves. Brian Milne may not hae been an All Pro, but he was an All Saint for one glorious moment. And for that moment, the man should never have to pay for a beer in the city of New Orleans ever again. Call it the "Your Money's No Good Here" Award or something, I don't really care. Let somebody smarter than me come up with a name for it (lights the 'Wang Signal').

Brian Milne is an unsung hero whose moment of triumph deserves high praise for all times. Don't misunderstand. Brian Milne wasn't a man for all seasons. Looking at his record, he really wasn't much of a man for football season. But his actions lifted the Saints and its fans to a higher place. A joyous place. One that fans don't get to experience very often, let alone fans of a long downtrodden franchise.

He brought his exubrance and exhaltation. And for that he has earned not only a permament place in our hearts and minds, but a fitting memorial to stand the test of time.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 15 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Arizona Cardinals (4-10)
31. Carolina Panthers (2-12)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (3-11)
29. Denver Broncos (3-11)
28. Washington Redskins (5-9)
27. Detroit Lions (4-10)
26. San Francisco 49ers (5-9)
25. Buffalo Bills (4-10)
24. Minnesota Vikings (5-9)
23. Houston Texans (5-9)
22. Seattle Seahawks (6-8): Remember, folks -- SOMEBODY has to win this division.
21. Cleveland Browns (5-9)

"I thought you were putting on Christmas music?"
"This IS Christmas music!"



20. Tennessee Titans (6-8)
19. Dallas Cowboys (5-9)
18. St. Louis Rams (6-8): Bradford has not looked the same since that pick-six against the Saints.
17. Miami Dolphins (7-7)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-6)
15. Oakland Raiders (7-7)
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6)
13. Indiannapolis Colts (8-6)
12. Green Bay Packers (8-6)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (9-5)

Grace Potter & The Nocturnals from Letterman. Grace Potter is not only hot but knows how to rock out? Winner...



10. New York Giants (9-5)
9. San Diego Chargers (8-6)
8. Chicago Bears (10-4)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-4)
6. New Orleans Saints (10-4)
5. New York Jets (10-4)
4. Baltimore Ravens (10-4)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4)
2. Atlanta Falcons (12-2)
1. New England Patriots (12-2)

NFL Power Rankings (Week 14 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth. But first...HAPPY FAVREANUKAH!



32. Carolina Panthers (1-12)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11)
30. Denver Broncos (3-10)
29. Detroit Lions (3-10)
28. Minnesota Vikings (5-8): No more rock out with your cock out, Favre!
27. Arizona Cardinals (4-9)
26. Buffalo Bills (3-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-8)
24. Seattle Seahawks (6-7)
23. San Francisco 49ers (5-8)
22. Dallas Cowboys (4-9)
21. Cleveland Browns (5-8)

Regarding the NFC West and my sick desires to see a sub-.500 team win, I'll turn things over to Big Daddy Drew from Deadspin:

"Anyway, the point is that a 7-9 team winning the West is still possible and in fact likely. I know a lot of people may bitch about it if it happens, but I think it's kind of cool. I mean, it takes a staggering amount of futility on the part of an entire division to conspire to get a 7-9 team into the playoffs. It's a miraculous convergence of shitty quarterbacking, horrible team management, and Pete Carroll. With Sam Bradford getting better and better, we may not see the likes of the 2010 NFC West ever again. So savor the flavor, everyone. You are watching history being made. Terrible, terrible history."

What he said.

20. Tennessee Titans (5-8)
19. St. Louis Rams (6-7)
18. Houston Texans (5-8): I legit sympathize with the Texans. That finish was a true kick to the nuts.
17. Oakland Raiders (6-7)
16. Miami Dolphins (7-6)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5)
14. Kansas City Chiefs (8-5)
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-6)
12. San Diego Chargers (7-6)
11. Green Bay Packers (8-5)

And now, a parrot singing "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor":



10. New York Jets (9-4)
9. Chicago Bears (9-4)
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5)
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-4)
6. New York Giants (9-4)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (9-4)
3. New Orleans Saints (10-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (11-2)
1. New England Patriots (11-2): Barring some kind of bad loss to a vastly inferior team these last three weeks, I can't really see the Patriots sliding from this spot.

And this would be Denise Milani, who's hogging up all the world's denim in this picture:

NFL Power Rankings (Week 13 - 2010)

Yeah, I'm doing this prior to the week 14 games and AFTER the Thursday night game. Note: the Colts near choke is not factored into this one. I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-11)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-9)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-10)
29. Detroit Lions (2-10) - Screwed by the refs twice. Against the Bears. Bad times.
28. Denver Broncos (3-9)
27. San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
26. Buffalo Bills (2-10)
25. Washington Redskins (5-7)
24. Tennessee Titans (5-7)
23. Dallas Cowboys (4-8)
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): JUST CLICK THIS LINK. Now that's a great hit...
21. Cleveland Browns (5-7)

20. Seattle Seahawks (6-6)
19. Miami Dolphins (6-6)
18. Houston Texans (5-7)
17. St. Louis Rams (6-6)
16. Oakland Raiders (6-6)
15. Indianapolis Colts (6-6)
14. San Diego Chargers (6-6)
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5)
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5)
11. New York Giants (8-4)



10. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4)
9. New York Jets (9-3)
8. Green Bay Packers (8-4)
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
6. Chicago Bears (9-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
4. New Orleans Saints (9-3) - Still lurking, assholes...
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3)
2. Atlanta Falcons (10-2)
1. New England Patriots (10-2) - How ESPN ranks them behind the Falcons after the Pats' DESTROYED the Jets on MNF is beyond reason or understanding.

Oh, and here's a message to Brady and the Pats, and Matty Ice and the Falcons, courtesy of Mr. Johnny Cash:

NFL Power Rankings (Week 12 - 2010)

I've ranked teams 32nd to 1st, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-10)
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-8) - Note to Derek Anderson: when you're seen smiling or laughing on the sidelines when you're getting the shit kicked out of you on the field, fans are going to react harshly. (Ex. Aaron Brooks)
30. Denver Broncos (3-8)
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-9)
28. Detroit Lions (2-9)
27. Dallas Cowboys (3-8)
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-7) - Wait, Favre's now an offensive coordinator? Fuck, dude, just GO AWAY!
24. Buffalo Bills (2-9) - Steve Johnson drops would-be game-winning catch. Blames God. Catches Hell for it. Now says people were silly to think he was blaming God. All is right with universe.
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-6)
22. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
21. Washington Redskins (5-6)

I still love this song...



20. St. Louis Rams (5-6) - Knowing the Rams would be a seven-point playoff dog AT HOME is almost enough to make me hope the Saints do finish with the 5th seed in the NFC. Almost.
19. Tennessee Titans (5-6) - Who the fuck names their kid "Cortland" anyways? Assholes, that's who.
18. Houston Texans (5-6)
17. Oakland Raiders (5-6)
16. Miami Dolphins (6-5)
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-4)
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-5)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) - A DOUBLE DWAYNE BOWE! WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?
12. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5)
11. Green Bay Packers (7-4) - Aaron Rodgers can't play defense and special teams, yo.



10. New York Giants (7-4)
9. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4)
8. Chicago Bears (8-3)
7. San Diego Chargers (6-5)
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (8-3) - Lurking, motherfuckers. Lurking...
4. Baltimore Ravens (8-3)
3. New York Jets (9-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-2) - Falcons are, bar none, the best team in the NFC. No getting around that. But I'd be anxious to see how Matt Ryan will handle himself in the playoffs when they're expected to win.
1. New England Patriots (9-2)

Oh yeah...Drew Brees, folks. Drew fucking Brees.

NFL Power Rankings (Week 11 - 2010)

Wanted to get this list out there before the Thanksgiving Day games got underway. You know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-9)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8)
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-7)
29. Detroit Lions (2-8)
28. Minnesota Vikings (3-7)
27. Denver Broncos (3-7)
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7)
25. Buffalo Bills (2-8)
24. Dallas Cowboys (3-7)
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-5)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-6)
21. Cleveland Browns (3-7)

In honor of America, here's The Boss:



20. Houston Texans (4-6)
19. Oakland Raiders (5-5)
18. Washington Redskins (5-5)
17. Tennessee Titans (5-5)
16. Miami Dolphins (5-5)
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4)
14. Chicago Bears (7-3): Over-rated! (clap! clap! clap-clap-clap!)
13. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4)
12. San Diego Chargers (5-5)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3)

And here's one of the more awesome moments in cinematic history:



10. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
9. New York Giants (6-4)
8. Green Bay Packers (7-3)
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3): Yeah, I know the Steelers were ranked higher last week and put a beating on the Raiders. So the fuck what? Got a problem, dickhead?
6. Baltimore Ravens (7-3)
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3)
4. New York Jets (8-2)
3. Atlanta Falcons (8-2)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (7-3)
1. New England Patriots (8-2)

And now...football awesomeness!

In brightest day, in blackest night...

DeMarcus Ware doesn't stand a chance...

NFL Power Rankings (Week 10 - 2010)

Haven't done this in a while, but you know the drill, a-holes: ranked 32 through 1, with each team being ranked based on who they could beat on a neutral field. So...31 could beat 32, 30 could beat 31, so on and so forth.

32. Carolina Panthers (1-8)
31. Detroit Lions (1-8)
30. Dallas Cowboys (2-7)
29. Buffalo Bills (1-8)
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6)
27. San Francisco (3-6)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (2-7)
25. Minnesota Vikings (3-6)
24. Washington Redskins (4-5)
23. Cleveland Browns (3-6)
22. St. Louis Rams (4-5)
21. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)

That's right. The NFC West doesn't get past No. 21 on my list. Speaking of utter disappointments, here's the Green Lantern "teaser" trailer:



This isn't a teaser trailer. Teaser trailers are typically 90 seconds or less. The Batman Begins teaser? 1 minute, 15 seconds. Superman Returns teaser? 90 seconds. Dark Knight teaser? 55 seconds.

And also, this teaser is a train wreck. What's with the big-headed fool with the pornstache? And why does Ryan Reynolds wear a cartoon? And why is Blake Lively pretending to be cardboard?

20. Denver Broncos (3-6)
19. Houston Texans (4-5)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4)
17. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4)
16. Chicago Bears (6-4)
15. Miami Dolphins (5-4)
14. San Diego Chargers (4-5)
13. Oakland Raiders (5-4)
12. Tennessee Titans (5-4)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)

Well, here's something interesting, Cowboys & Aliens. It's cowboys. It's aliens. It's James Bond. It's Indiana Jones/Hans Solo. It's intriguing.



10. New York Giants (6-3)
9. Green Bay Packers (6-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)
7. New Orleans Saints (6-3)
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) Remember that asshole bandwagon Steelers fan I always tell you about? Well, he got fired from his job today. And because I hold grudges like nobody's fucking business, I celebrated like we skull fucked Iraq in Desert Storm, Part 1.
4. New York Jets (6-3)
3. Philadelphia Eages (7-2)
2. Atlanta Falcons (7-2)
1. New England Patriots (7-2)

Left or right? Garrett Hartley gets unwanted pointers

Scene: EXT. empty sugarcane field -- NIGHT

(Garrett Hartley is practicing kicking field goals. He's making some, but he keeps shanking them to the right.)

GARRETT: Damn it! Coach isn't gonna keep me around for long if I can't make consistent kicks... (Garrett lines one up, kicks it wide right.) SHIT!

(Garrett hears something coming behind him from the left.)

GARRETT: Now what? More magical black men?


KEITH: HOW. DARE. YOU. SIR!!!

GARRETT: Huh?

KEITH: This is no ordinary set of circumstances, Mr. Hartley. This is a matter of GRAVE importance. (shuffles papers.) You cannot expect your career to move forward if you keep hitting these kicks to the right!!

GARRETT: Oh, hey, I remember you! I used to watch you on ESPN, like, a decade ago or something! How's Dan Patrick doing?

KEITH: He's fine. Now, about your kicking...

GARRETT: Yes, sir. What do you recommend?

KEITH: Kick left.

GARRETT: Aim for the left post?


KEITH: No. I mean...AIM. LEFT. You'll never move forward if you're kicking to the right. Line up perpendicular to the ball, and kick it to the left.

GARRETT: Okay...you mean into the stands?

KEITH: Exactly!!

GARRETT: I don't see how that'll help me make field goals...

KEITH: Do you want to make FIELD GOALS or do you want to make a STATEMENT?!?

GARRETT: Uh...


GLENN: Don't answer that!!!

KEITH: Aw, Christ!

GLENN: Don't let this fascist Marxist tell you what to do...LET ME DO THAT!

(Garrett Hartley face palm.)

GARRETT: Do I have to?

GLENN: What are you, Garrett? A socialist sympathizer? Why do you hate freedom?

KEITH: Erroneous! Erroneous, I tell you!!

GARRETT: What do you suggest, sir?

GLENN: You should keep aiming to the right, duh!!!!

GARRETT: Yeah, but that isn't working...

GLENN: Don't tell me it isn't working!!! What are you, some kinda one-man splinter cell?!?

GARRETT: You're nuts.


GLENN: Look, Garrett, your name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant, MY name starts with a 'G' and ends with a double consonant. Who you gonna trust? By the way, can I interest you in some over-priced gold coins for the coming apocalypse?

GARRETT: Unbelievable...to hell with both of you, I'll aim for between the uprights, thank you very much.

KEITH: What, you mean, like, "the middle?"

GLENN: What the hell kinda tactic is that?!?

(Garrett walks away, leaving Keith and Glenn standing chest to chest, huffing and puffing at one another.)

KEITH: Glenn, I've always meant to ask you something.

GLENN: What is it?

KEITH: Why hock gold? I mean, in the apocalypse, won't gold be made irrelevant?

GLENN: You NEED a currency, fool! How else will capitalism flourish?!?

KEITH: Yeah, I get the whole exchange for goods and services, but why stockpile gold? Why not guns? After all, if I've got a gun, and all you've got is gold, it stands to reason...

(Glenn jams his thumbs in his ears.)


GLENN: I'm not listening! I'm not listening!! I'm not listening!!!

Sooner or later, he'd gonna cut ya down...

Had to bust out the Photoshop skills to show you assholes I hadn't disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I'm worried, but not, you know...worried

Colt McCoy, ladies and gents!

NFL Power Rankings (Week 6 -2010)

Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth. Want to know why I'm so late? Get to No. 1 on this list.

And here's Adriana Lima, or as I like to call her, "proof of God's existence."



32. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
30. San Francisco 49ers (1-5)
29. Cleveland Browns (1-5)
28. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
27. Dallas Cowboys (1-4)
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-2)
25. Detroit Lions (1-5)
24. Oakland Raiders (2-4)
23. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)
21. Minnesota Vikings (2-3)

I think she's trying to solve quadratic equations in this picture...


20. San Diego Chargers (2-4)
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2)
18. Denver Broncos (2-4)
17. St. Louis Rams (3-3): Everybody here is talking playoffs. Easy there, fella.
16. Green Bay Packers (3-3)
15. Chicago Bears (4-2)
14. Washington Redskins (3-3)
13. Miami Dolphins (3-2)
12. Kansas City Chiefs (3-2)
11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)

Uh, I likes 'em classy?


10. Tennessee Titans (4-2)
9. New Orleans Saints (4-2)
8. Philadelphia Eagles (4-2)
7. Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
6. Houston Texans (4-2)
5. New York Giants (4-2)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4-2)
3. New England Patriots (4-1)
2. New York Jets (5-1): They honestly should've lost that game to the Broncos. The pass interference rule needs to be adjusted.
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): Fuck James Harrison. Fuck Big Ben. Fuck Steelers fans. Fuck the bangwagon fans. Fuck the Terrible Towel. Fuck the Rooneys. Fuck that bloated sack of shit in New Orleans who's rooting for these assholes. Fuck all y'all.

BONUS!!!

NFL Power Rankings (Week 5 - 2010)

Rankings based on neutral site matchups. Team 31 would beat Team 32. Team 30 would beat both of them. So on and so forth.

MARISA MILLER - She's now an NFL spokesperson


32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
31. Buffalo Bills (0-5)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-4)
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5) Don't ask me why.
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) GTFO.
26. St. Louis Rams (2-3) Looks like the local media here has to end the playoff talk for the time being. Thank Christ. Realistic expectations, people!
25. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
24. Detroit Lions (1-4) Better than their record.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-3) Teams 21 and 22 meet this week. Can they both lose?

JENN STERGER - Bringing back the t-shirt rip!


20. San Diego Chargers (2-3) You lost to the God damn Oakland Raiders?
19. Denver Broncos (2-3)
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) If the Saints can't beat these guys, expect to see them take this slot next week.
16. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
15. Washington Redskins (3-2) Congrats, you won a war of attrition against the Packers thanks to Mike McCarthy's poor clock management skills. Congrats again.
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2)
13. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
12. Houston Texans (3-2)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1) Good defensive showing against the Colts, but they should've put up more than 9 points against them.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Maybe she needs to rub her titties on the Saints O-Line for good luck...


10. Green Bay Packers (3-2)
9. Chicago Bears (4-1) Worse than their record.
8. Tennessee Titans (3-2)
7. New York Giants (3-2)
6. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
5. New England Patriots (3-1)
4. Atlanta Falcons (4-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) My oaf of a former boss must be like a pig in shit right now.
2. New York Jets (4-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (4-1)

BONUS: The epic takedown of "Star Wars, Episode I" that longtime "Star Wars" fans/nerds have longed for.

Brett Favre's junk!!!

Don't ask me how, but I've obtained these incredible pics of Brett Favre's junk and knew I just had to share them with you.

Let me be your one stop shop for photos of Brett Favre's junk!!!

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here. We. Go!!







Here's a pictures of Brett Favre's junk in the South China Seas:



And here's a picture of Brett Favre's junk at home in Kiln, Mississippi:



And here's where Brett Favre's junk can be found:

Bang, Bang Maxwell (Hall)

NFL Power Rankings (Week 4 - 2010)

Dave point out last week that I neglected to put any extras in my power rankings post last, particularly the lack of pics of hot women. Well, I'll bring some heat this time out.



32. Buffalo Bills (0-4)
31. Carolina Panthers (0-4)
30. San Francisco 49ers (0-4)
29. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3)
27. Arizona Cardinals (2-2)
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-4)
24. Miami Dolphins (2-2)
23. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
22. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
21. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)



20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2)
18. San Diego Chargers (2-2)
17. New York Giants (2-2)
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)
14. Denver Broncos (2-2)
13. Tennessee Titans (2-2)
12. Washington Redskins (2-2)
11. Chicago Bears (3-1)



10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)
8. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
6. New England Patriots
5. Houston Texans (3-1)
4. New York Jets (3-1)
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)
2. Green Bay Packers (3-1)
1. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)

Added Bonus: The full length trailer for the Coen Brothers' remake of "True Grit." I don't do this teaser trailer crap.



Even from beyond the grave, Johnny Cash is still kicking ass.

Fixing Garrett Hartley's swing

Scene: EXT. An empty sugarcane field in Southern Louisiana - NIGHT

Hartley is practicing field goal kicks in the middle of the night by lantern light. He shanks another "ugly duck" to the left.


GARRETT: Shit!

Hartley grabs another football and sets it up in the holder. He backs up, finds his footing, charges forward and...shanks it yet again.

GARRETT: Christ on a crutch, come on!!

Hartley grabs another football and goes to set it up when he hears something up ahead in the darkness.

GARRETT: Hello? Hello?

Hartley grabs the lantern and holds it up to get a better look.

GARRETT: Hello???

Suddenly, a man in an old brown suit, carrying a sack of original pigskin footballs, emerges from the darkness, like a ghostly apparition.


BAGGAR: Why hello there, sir.

GARRETT: Are you crazy? Walking out there in front of me like that? You could've gotten a concussion if one of those balls hit you in the head!

BAGGAR: Two things. First, the way you been a shankapotomus lately, I figured approaching you direct like was my best course of action. And second, you ain't dropping bombs like Thomas Morstead. That boy can bomb those kicks. He's got the touch.

GARRETT: Gee, thanks, guy.

The black dude with the nice hat puts the bag down and extends his hand.

BAGGAR: Baggar Vance's my name.

Hartley shakes Baggar's hand.

GARRETT: Lemme guess: kicking footballs is your game?

Baggar tilts his head to the side and grins, real folksy like.

BAGGAR: You done lost your swing, sir.

GARRETT: Yeah.

BAGGAR: A man's grip on his club leg bone's like the grip on his world.

GARRETT: Wait, what?


BAGGAR: You suck something fierce lately, Mr. Hartley.

GARRETT: (exasperated sigh) I know. Do you mind, though?

Bagger steps back while Hartley lines up another kick. He approaches, kicks and...WIDE! The black man with the perfectly magical stubble tucks his hands in his pockets and smiles. Always smiling. Always.

BAGGAR: A suggestion, Mr. Hartley. You got lady problems? Are you boozing it up all the time? Did ya become discombobulated after personally witnessing the horrors of World War I?

GARRETT: Huh?

BAGGAR: Well, sir, whenever I see a man with obvious athletic problems, it usually turns out to be lady issues...

GARRETT: Uh, no, Baggar. Ladies are not the problem. I was born only in 1986, so I'm not old enough to have been in World War I, and I only dine on "boat drinks" in the off-season. I just keep shanking these damn field goal kicks.

BAGGAR: Would it help if I stood out to the left, real quite like? And maybe whispered more folksy sayins that don't make sense at first but have an extraordinary connection with the human condition when you REALLY pay attention to 'em?


GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Well, sir, I got a friend that might be better able to help...

Baggar puts his hand to his ear as Garrett hears several large steps coming his way.

GARRETT: Whoa...



COFFEY: Name's John Coffey, boss. Like the drink, only not spelt the same.

Garrett does the face palm and shakes his head.

GARRETT: God help me.

COFFEY: Dat's why I'm here, boss.

BAGGAR: We're here to help you, Mr. Hartley.

GARRETT: What are you doing, John Coffey?!?

Coffey puts his big hands on Garrett's kicking leg.

COFFEY: Trying to take the hurt outta there, boss.

GARRETT: Well, you're hurting me, John. So stop it, please.

Coffey lets go of Hartley's leg.

COFFEY: Usually I spit up bugs, boss. Weren't none in there this time.

GARRETT: I know. Cause my leg isn't infested with gnats, John Coffey! I'm just shanking field goals. I don't have a troubled groin or anything!

COFFEY: Do you need me to fix ya head?

Coffey goes to put his hands around Hartley's tiny head, but the kicker brushes them away.

GARRETT: Oh, get away from me! I don't need some magical help!!

BAGGAR: You need us to call Morgan Freeman?

GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Danny Glover?

GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Blair Underwood?

GARRETT: No!

BAGGAR: Uh, (rubs chin) what's his name? Um, the guy who looks like Mr. Coffey here, but isn't?

GARRETT: Ving Rhames?

BAGGAR: Yeah, what about him?

GARRETT: No! I don't need help from people with magical powers. I make my own destiny.

COFFEY: Then who can help you, boss?

GARRETT: Good question. Well, I'm sure the good Lord will provide me with the proper help.

EXT. OLD FOLK'S HOME -- NIGHT

A nurse's assistant runs through the hallways, trying to find a particular room.

NURSE: John! John! John, where are you?!?

The nurse finds room 333 and walks in.

NURSE: Sir, the Saints need you to come back to New Orleans and take kicking duties while Garrett Hartley gets his mind right.


THE CARNEY: Huh? What's that, you say? Speak up!!!

NURSE: Oh fuck, our special teams are in trouble....

NFL Power Rankings (Week 3 - 2010)

I've got little time to put this thing together, but long story short: this is how I think things would shake down if the teams met on a neutral site. I'm trying to base this off of this year's performances and not on reputation or past performance.

32. Buffalo Bills (0-3)
31. Cleveland Browns (0-3)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
29. Carolina Panthers (0-3)
28. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2)
26. New York Giants (1-2)
25. Detroit Lions (0-3)
24. Oakland Raiders (1-2)
23. Denver Broncos (1-2)
22. Minnesota Vikings (1-2)
21. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)
20. San Diego Chargers (1-2)
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-1)
18. Washington Redskins (1-2)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)
16. Miami Dolphins (2-1)
15. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1)
14. Seattle Seahawks (2-1)
13. New England Patriots (2-1)
12. Tennessee Titans (2-1)
11. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)
10. New York Jets (2-1)
9. New Orleans Saints (2-1)
8. Indianapolis Colts (2-1)
7. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)
6. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)
5. Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)
3. Houston Texans (2-1)
2. Chicago Bears (3-0)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)

Trap game? Not on my watch...

EXT. SAINTS HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

(Sean Payton is seated in his coaching war room with Drew Brees and Jonathan Vilma.)


VILMA: Coach, we been at this for hours on end! It's 4 a.m., we need to get some sleep before getting on that plane to Frisco!

BREES: Jonathan's right, Coach. We've been running drills and watching game film almost 18 hours everyday. Don't you think that...


PAYTON: Guys, do you want everyone to keep writing you off?!?!?

VILMA & BREES: No, sir.

PAYTON: That's right! Cause everyone WILL keep on underestimating us if we ever give them an opportunity!!! You want Jaws and Schlerath to say we didn't deserve to be Super Bowl champions?

BREES: To be honest, Coach, I kinda don't care what any asshole on TV thinks...

PAYTON: WRONG! Wrong-wrong-wrong!!! Everyone thinks this is a trap game for us, like we're going to overlook the 49ers or something!!


BREES: Coach, Vilma and I know better than to look past any opponent. Shoot, I learned that watching "Road House."

VILMA: Yeah, what Drew sa-wait a second....You watched "Road House," Drew?

BREES: Shockey let me borrow one of his copies.

VILMA: Copies?

BREES: He's got, like, 12 of them. Some unopened and autographed by Ben Gazzara. It's weird.

VILMA: You right about that...


PAYTON: Enough! Now I've gone to great expense to get a guest speaker for you two. (Payton pushes button on his desk.) Send him in.

(Vilma and Brees turn around...)



VILMA: What the fuck is that?!?

PAYTON: Don't you know anything, Vilma?!? This is Admiral Ackbar! A member of the Mon Calamari race and leader of the Rebel Alliance's fleet! Christ almighty, Vilma, don't you watch TV or read the news?!?

BREES: So...it's a squid?

PAYTON: Yeah, sorta. Admiral, what are your words of advice for these guys?

(Admiral Ackbar paces about the room, hands flippers behind his back. He quickly spins around and looks at Brees and Vilma.)


ACKBAR: IT'S A TRAP!!!

(Vilma gasps. Brees is unimpressed.)

BREES: Okay...how so?

ACKBAR: (thinks to himself) Uh...IT'S A TRAP!!!

BREES: Yeah, uh, again...how so?

PAYTON: Drew, the Admiral wants to remind you not to sleep on the 49ers...

ACKBAR: THAT'S A NAP!!!


BREES: Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for the inspiring words, Admiral, but I've got to get home pack my carry on.

ACKBAR: TAKE A MAP!!!

(Brees leaves, shaking his head.)

PAYTON: What do you think, Vilma?

VILMA: I don't know, Coach? Yo, Admiral, what's your favorite movie?

ACKBAR: SPINAL TAP!!!

VILMA: And your least favorite movie?

ACKBAR: BAPPS!!!

VILMA: You got a least favorite singer?

ACKBAR: SCOTT STAPP!!!

VILMA: Right, right...Do you have any pregame rituals you'd recommend?


ACKBAR: TAKE A CRAP!!!

VILMA: Alright, I see where this one is going, I'm gonna hit the showers before hitting the road.

ACKBAR: BRING A SHOWER CAP!!!

PAYTON: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar. You've been a big help. Can I take you anywhere?

ACKBAR: TO THE GAP!!!

(End scene.)

Return of "Schmuck of the Week!"

Back when I used to write for a certain news station in the Greater New Orleans Metropolitan Area, I wanted to come up with a way bust people's balls for doing asinine things in the world of sports. Obviously, I didn't care enough to write 600 words on JUST Big Ben being an idiot for not wearing a helmet that time he got into a motorcycle accident. I wanted to get in, do my damage, and get out. Since there will never be a shortage of jackassery in sports, I figured I had a readymade column to turn in on a weekly basis. I even had a name for it: Schmuck of the Week.

Schmuck of the Week ran for only four or five entries, though. Why? I go to work one day and my supervisor/department head tells me, "Kevin, you can't call it 'Schmuck of the Week' anymore. (So-so) says 'schmuck' means 'penis' in Yiddish and we can't have that on our website."

I took it in stride.

"Are you fucking kidding me, (name redacted)?!? This is bullshit!"

I attempted to argue that schmuck had taken on other meanings in modern American society, like "fool," "idiot," "someone who is asinine," etc. That didn't work. I think I called it something else for one week and stopped it entirely. If I couldn't call it Schmuck of the Week, especially if it was due to some bullshit complaint by a coworker, then why bother writing it? There's principalities in this!!

So now that I've had this blog thing running for a couple years, it occurred to me, "why not dust off the old bit?" But Kevin, you're probably saying, you run a blog now. Why not call it something more vulgar, like "Fucking fuckhead of the Week?" No, that's not the point. Schmuck of the Week is what I was denied calling it, so Schmuck of the Week is what I WILL call it, now and forever.

Here's how it works: if somebody in the sports world acts like a jackass, says something asinine, does something that causes the rest of us to face palm, then they are eligible to be included in this group. Like the old column, I don't really decide on a winner, per say; all these jackasses are winners in their own right and deserve a fair share of the spite spotlight.

Here goes nothing....

Chris Berman's mustache


Super Mario called...what'd you do with Princess Toadstool?!?

Ines Sainz...and everyone else


I'm not saying this woman "had it coming" or "deserved it." Nope. That'd make ME the asshole. However, what Hottie McHotTits over here needs to understand (if she didn't before) is that you cannot legitimately claim to be a professional sports reporter and dress like that. Go work for Extra or E! or some shit if you want to dress like that. In the same breath, you don't need to wear a potato sack, either. You're a hot ass lady; you can wear many, many things without looking like you're about to hit up a singles bar in Miami Beach.

Oh well, at least we got an awesome Fake Rex Ryan post over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Reggie Bush


Reggie, I'll defend you when people say you're a bust. Hell, I'm even willing to overlook that goddamn "Bush Push" when you and Matt Leinart screwed Notre Dame out of a win back in 2005. All because you play for the Black and Gold. But I cannot abide you returning the Heisman Trophy and saying you didn't want to be a distraction to the team one day and another day say, "Now this isn't an admission of guilt." Really? Really, Reggie?!? I can maybe see where you're coming from when you first said you didn't want to be a distraction. But you really missed an opportunity to come clean and make a point about the NCAA's rules.

NFL referees



His hate is strong. If I were a Lions fan, you'd better believe I would have busted that out on some kind of internet radio postgame show. We've now at the point where some fools are starting to blame Calvin Johnson, even after admitting the rule itself needs revising (I'm looking at YOU, Bill Simmons). You know what? Megatron doesn't need to apologize for jack shit. And I heard the NFL was happy as a pig in shit when they heard about this, and they were pleased to come down in support oft the official for making the right call.

And all these goobers in the national sports media keep siting some rule about 'going to the ground' and say the officials were within their right to wave off the touchdown. Guess what, assholes? Jason Lisk over at The Big Lead cracked open the rule book, too. He found rules and bylaws RIGHT NEXT TO THE BULLSHIT RULE that says it could've been ruled a touchdown. So fuck you, the refs, the league and any Chicago Bears fan who doesn't man up and admit that they rightfully should have lost that game.

Saints 2010 Regular Season Prediction

I'm already on record with "11-5." Now's the part where I get specific on how they reach 11-5 and win the division. Reminder: I'm not doing playoff predictions. I'm only predicting that the Saints will make the postseason, like last year. What they do from there is totally lagniappe.

1. Minnesota Vikings (W 30-24) (Ed. note: That's what I said on the radio show.)

2. @San Francisco 49ers (L 23-17)

3. Atlanta Falcons (W 28-17)

4. Carolina Panthers (W 30-20)

5. @Arizona Cardinals (W 24-13)

6. @Tampa Bay Bucs (W 27-14)

7. Cleveland Browns (W 45-24)

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (W 42-9) FUCK YOU BANDWAGON STEELERS FAN!!!!



9. @Carolina Panthers (L 20-17)

10. Seattle Seahawks (W 28-14)

11. @Dallas Cowboys (L 24-20)

12. @Cincinnati Bengals (W 20-9)

13. St. Louis Rams (W 34-15)

14. @Baltimore Ravens (L 17-14)

15. @Atlanta Falcons (L 27-24)

16. Tampa Bay Bucs (W 34-10)

NFL Predictions, Division by Division (2010)

Look, I'm not vetting this stuff like I used to, game-by-game, cross-referenced with every other schedule, to ensure that I'm getting all these numbers correct. So I'm just predicting what I think the following teams' records will be at the end of the (soon-to-be two games longer, God willing) regular season. I'll throw some notes down for some teams. And no, this is NOT the power rankings. Like years past, I will NOT do that until after week 3. I hate college preseason polls.

AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots (11-5)
2. Miami Dolphins* (9-7)
3. New York Jets (8-8) Look, these guys went 9-7 last year and were LUCKY to even be in the postseason. And they DIDN'T win the division, either! I don't buy these guys as world beaters with Mark Sanchez at quarterback. Sorry.
4. Toronto Buffalo Bills (5-11)

AFC WEST
1. San Diego Chargers (10-6) No Vincent Jackson? Rookie running back? Uh, no 11+ win season.
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland Raiders (5-11) I made this prediction on The Big Lead and I'll share it with you now: If the Raiders make the postseason, I will allow somebody to nail me in the head with a cookie sheet, tape it, and put it on the internet. Yes, this would be highly embarrassing and probably eliminate me from all future presidential contention. But the Raiders aren't making the playoffs, so I've got nothing to worry about.

AFC NORTH
1. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) Come on, Joe Flacco, you uni-browed bad ass! I've got you in my fantasy league!!
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) Pittsburgh is not making the postseason. Sorry, fat asshole who jumped on the bandwagon back in the 70s.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)
4. Cleveland Browns (6-10) Jon Gruden, line one...

AFC SOUTH
1. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) It's Peyton Manning. Of COURSE he's going to win 12 again. And Jim Caldwell will undoubtedly do something utterly stupid during the regular season. Guy's got the Kathleen Blanco "what am I gonna do?" look on the sidelines AT ALL TIMES.
2. Houston Texas* (9-7) These guys are going to make us all right someday...Like the Washington Generals are BOUND to win one, right?
3. Tennessee Titans (8-8) Vincent Young regresses. Jeff Fisher stays in place.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)

NFC EAST
1. Dallas Cowboys (10-6) They're not as great as everyone is making them out to be. And yet I've got them going to the playoffs. Go figure.
2. New York Giants* (10-6)
3. Washington Redskins (8-8)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)

NFC WEST
1. San Francisco 49ers (8-8) This is just wishful thinking. I'm so rooting for a team to finish .500 and still WIN their division. This needs to happen.
2. Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
3. St. Louis Rams (5-11) I can't believe I'm saying this, but: if Sam Bradford doesn't die behind that crappy O-Line, he'll give a lot of hope to the forty-five football fans in town.
4. Arizona Cardinals (4-12) The year after Kurt Warner leaves, the wheels officially come off.

NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay Packers (12- 4)
2. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)
3. Detroit Lions (6-10) Dude in my fantasy league paid out the ass for Jahvid Best. Like 30 bucks. Crazy. Then again, I paid $21 for Beanie Wells, so I have little room to talk.
4. Chicago Bears (5-10)

NFC SOUTH
1. New Orleans Saints (11-5)
2. Atlanta Falcons* (10-6) The Falcons will be decidedly friskier in 2010.
3. Carolina Panthers (7-9)
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)

Favre-aggedon, Part 7: INterCEPTION

Hey Vikings fans, was it a dream or reality? Did Favre really kill your season with a patented backbreaking interception and then hold the franchise hostage during the offseason? Or maybe this has been an illusion...nah, the ball falls over...IT'S REALITY.

Favre-aggedon, Part 6: You're gonna need a bigger D-Line

It's really a miracle of football evolution. All he does is retire, unretire, and make little Favres.

Favre-aggedon, Part 5: Favre-atar

For all its hype and awesome appearance, it's pretty simplistic when you really pay attention...



Seriously, unobtainium, James Cameron?!? That's the thing that's hard to get to and very rare? UNOBTAINIUM?!? GTFO, dude...

Favre-aggedon, Part 4: Lost In Croc-Texting

Brett, it's Deanna on line one...Shall I take a message?

Favre-aggedon, Part 3: Old Man and the D

Saints v. Vikings on September 9 is going to be epic. Ernest Hemingway EPIC.



Think after Tracy Porter ruins Brett Favre once again he'll have to wear Favre's jersey around his neck like the "Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner"?

Yes, I'm aware that Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote the poem, but I wanted to extend the maritime theme.

Favre-aggedon, Part 2: Favre Vader

This jag went to the dark side a long time ago, in a galaxy not far enough way...

Favre-aggedon, Part 1: "The Favre Side"

I don't think ol' #4 is getting the message:



You can expect more of these in the days leading up to the Saints' season opener against the Fightin' Favres.

Shockmeister! Puntmaster! The Return!!

EXT. French Quarter -- NIGHT

(Jeremy Shockey and Thomas Morstead are walking down Dauphine street, drinks in hand. Shockey's double fisting 'hurricanes' while Morstead sips on a Mike's Hard Lemonade.)


SHOCKMEISTER: Dude, you know fucking gheys drink that, right?


MORSTEAD: Come on, it's good stuff, Jerm!

SHOCKMEISTER: I told you not to call me that in public!!!

MORSTEAD: Sorry. Well, look, if this bothers you that much I can just get a Smirnoff Ice whenever we get where we're going.

(Shockey stops and glares at Morstead.)

SHOCKMEISTER: You go to USC...brah?

MORSTEAD: No.

SHOCKMEISTER: Unless the word "vodka" immediately follows it, I don't want to hear you say the word "Smirnoff" again, okay?

MORSTEAD: (sheepishly hangs his head) Yes, sir...

SHOCKMEISTER: How's the arm?

MORSTEAD: You mean shoulder.

SHOCKMEISTER: Arm. Shoulder. Whatever. You feeling better?

MORSTEAD: Yeah...

SHOCKMEISTER: Good. You're gonna need that shoulder to function.

MORSTEAD: Why?


SHOCKMEISTER: Cause we gonna be swimming in pussy TO-NIGHT!!!!

MORSTEAD: Sheesh...So is this place we're going to that awesome?

SHOCKMEISTER: Puntmaster, I already told you...the chicks in this place are fucking smoking! They got FDP's there!

MORSTEAD: (Pause.) Fast Double Penetration?

SHOCKMEISTER: Lay off the Naughty America account, man! Shit, you ever think THAT'S how you injured your shoulder?! FDP means Flaming Dr. Pepper. They pour liquor and Dr. Pepper in a glass and light it on fire. You drink it. It's fucking sweeeeet!

MORSTEAD: And you promised arcade games, right?

SHOCKMEISTER: (Face palms.) Yeah, Puntmaster, they got arcade machines. All your classics. Pac-Man, Galaga, RBI Baseball.

MORSTEAD: Burger Time?

SHOCKMEISTER: (Double face palms.) Who the fuck plays Burger Time?

MORSTEAD: Hey, you want me to tell the guys you love playing Dance, Dance, Revolution?

SHOCKMEISTER: I was trying to get in a chick's panties! She wanted to play!!

MORSTEAD: They got Burger Time or not?

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah.

MORSTEAD: Awesome!

(Morstead and Shockey continue walking along Dauphine until they come to a club at on St. Peters. There is a long line and a bouncer at the door. The two wait patiently in line and finish their drinks of choice. Shockey gets three phone numbers. Morstead opens up a roll of quarters. The two finally get to the front of the line.)


BOUNCER: Seven bucks apiece, gents.

SHOCKMEISTER: What the fuck? It used to be five.

BOUNCER: They changed it.

SHOCKMEISTER: Obviously. Why?

BOUNCER: Cause they wanted to? You wanna come in or not?

MORSTEAD: Let's just pay the man and get inside, I can hear Burger Time calling my name.

SHOCKMEISTER: Whatever...

BOUNCER: That's right.

(Shockey and Morstead each cough up the seven bucks to get in. The club is crawling with hot chicks and douche bags.)

SHOCKMEISTER: This place is douche-baggey-er than I remembered.

MORSTEAD: You haven't been here in a while?

SHOCKMEISTER: Not since early 2009. Used to be able to get in for five bucks.

MORSTEAD: Don't sweat it. Let's get a tab going and start playing some games!

SHOCKMEISTER: You can play your fruity Burger Time, I'm gonna try and get this DJ to quit playing everything just slightly faster than normal. It's fucking annoying and lame.

(Morstead walks up to the bar while Shockmeister goes to the DJ booth.)

MORSTEAD: Can I open a tab?

BARTENDER: WHAT?!?

MORSTEAD: CAN I OPEN A TAB?!?

BARTENDER: YEAH, SURE. $25 MINIMUM!!

MORSTEAD: WHY?!?

BARTENDER: CAUSE I SAID SO! THAT'S THE RULES!!

MORSTEAD: FINE.

(Morstead hands over his credit card with the kitties on it.)

MORSTEAD: I'D LIKE TO GET TWO FLAMING DR. PEPPERS!

BARTENDER: $20 BUCKS!

MORSTEAD: HAS IT ALWAYS BEEN THAT MUCH?!?

BARTENDER: YEAH.

MORSTEAD: OKAY...

(Bartender pours the FDPs. Morstead turns around and sees Shockmeister with a pissed off look on his face.)

MORSTEAD: What?

SHOCKMEISTER: Fucking DJ won't fix this shit. He said, "the chicks dig it, so I ain't changing it." Fuck sticks!


MORSTEAD: Did you know the Flaming Dr. Peppers are $10 a piece?

SHOCKMEISTER: No. They used to be like five or six bucks when I was last here.

MORSTEAD: Guy said it's always been like this.

SHOCKMEISTER: This is some serious fucking bullshit!

MORSTEAD: Hey, I'm gonna go find the Burger Time machine. You gonna be okay?

SHOCKMEISTER: Yeah, yeah.

(Morstead wanders off through the crowd while Shockey stews. The Shockmeister shakes his head in disgust as another Kanye West song is ruined. About two minutes later, Shockey hears a bloodcurdling scream from near the bathrooms. Shockey runs over and finds Morstead sobbing.)

SHOCKMEISTER: What? What?? WHAT???

MORSTEAD: (pointing) Look at the Burger Time machine!!!


SHOCKMEISTER: Oh, shit. They're all out.

MORSTEAD: Guy said they've been broke for months and the manager won't pay to get 'em fixed! Oh God...(sobs more) Where will I get my Excitebike fix now?!?

SHOCKMEISTER: I'm sorry, Puntmaster.

MORSTEAD: (wiping tears) Ugh, it's okay...let's just get outta here.

(The two walk back to their FDP's at the bar.)

MORSTEAD: I'd like to close out, please...

BARTENDER: 25 BUCKS, DUDE! I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT!!

(Morstead clutches at his glass until it shatters in his hand. He grabs Shockey's glass and flings it across the bar, spraying fire onto a wall and burning several arcade machines.)

MORSTEAD: I'VE HAD ALLS I CAN STANDS AND I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE!!!

(Morstead becomes a whirling dervish of kicking and screaming as he busts up the nightclub. Minutes later, Shockey and Morstead are walking up Dauphine as the part of the nightclub burns.)

SHOCKMEISTER: Tell me that did not just happen...

MORSTEAD: I left my credit card in there, didn't I?