Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 17 ed.)

This will be the final rankings of the 2008 season. I'll come back with my playoff predictions on Friday or something. Your babe today is Padma Lakshmi.



32. Detroit Lions (0-16)
31. St. Louis Rams (2-14)
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14)
29. Cleveland Browns (4-12)
28. Seattle Seahawks (4-12)
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)
26. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1)
25. Oakland Raiders (5-11)
24. Green Bay Packers (6-10)
23. Buffalo Bills (7-9)
22. Washington Redskins (8-8)
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
20. Houston Texans (8-8)
19. Denver Broncos (8-8)
18. New Orleans Saints (8-8)
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7)



16. Arizona Cardinals (9-7)
15. New York Jets (9-7)
14. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)
13. Chicago Bears (9-7)
12. San Diego Chargers (8-8)
11. New England Patriots (11-5)
10. Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1)
9. Minnesota Vikings (10-6)
8. Atlanta Falcons (11-5)
7. Miami Dolphins (11-5)
6. Baltimore Ravens (11-5)
5. Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)
3. Tennessee Titans (13-3)
2. Carolina Panthers (12-4)
1. New York Giants (12-4)

Chris Paul will f*ck your sh*t up.

So the Hornets beat the Pacers in Indiana the other night. Apparently a fan thought it would be a good idea to taunt Chris Paul before he went back onto the floor. Not a good idea. CP3 is one vengeful motherfucker.

(Hat Tip to Deadspin.)

Fuck. Everyone.

Hey, Coach Payton! Come here a sec!

...
...
...

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING NOT PASSING THE BALL MORE AGAINST THE LIONS LAST WEEK?!?!?

Holy fucking Christ, coach, it's not like you had to sit on a close lead or anything! Oh, you were trying to be "honorable" or some such shit? When you're out of the playoff race and all the fans have to cling to is a passing record and you're playing the hapless fucking Lions, you PASS THE GOD DAMN BALL! Pass! You get a boner anytime somebody even mentions the word and suddenly you're thinking, "Hey, why don't we just leave Drew with more than 400 yards to go AGAINST Carolina in the finale?"

You know, never mind that the Saints lost the game in as brutal a way as possible. Shit, coach, I could've handled a 50 point loss, provided Drew Brees got the record. Now? We not only barely lose the season finale at home to a division rival, but we barely miss out on celebrating NFL history because you decided to not get pass happy in the last three minutes against Detroit.

Well fuck you in the ear, sir. Fuck you in the ear but good!!!

Okay...(deep breath) Let's hug it out, bitch.

Now that I've got my 'yelling at the coach' moment out of the way, here's a hearty "fuck you" to several others:

Fuck Jett Favre and the New York Bretts, fuck the city of New York. By extension, fuck Tony Kornheiser and Peter King.

Fuck the New England Patriots, fuck Bill Simmons, fuck Tom Brady's seemingly perfect life, fuck Bill Belichick, fuck the entire New England region.

Fuck Chicago and the Bears.

Fuck the Denver Broncos.

Fuck the San Diego Chargers.

Fuck the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Fuck Jim Haslett, Rick Venturi and the St. Louis Rams.

Fuck the Dallas Cowboys. By extension, double fuck Tony Kornheiser and Peter King.

Fuck the Detroit Lions.

Fuck the Washington Redskins.

Fuck the Arizona Cardinals and their "backing into the playoffs."

Fuck Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Interesting side note: my former boss, a life long New Orleans resident, is a Steelers fan. When did he become a fan? Late 60s and early 70s. Yeah, he's a fucking asshole. He, too, can go fuck himself.

That's it, I'm done.

I may miss the season finale...

So I've got the girlfriend moving up to St. Louis later tonight. Yeah, that's actually the good news. The bad news is that her mom is driving up with her. Now, the G.F. has watched football with me when she visited up here about six weeks ago. If it were just her, I'd have no problem watching Drew Brees go for the passing record. With her mom up here too? Shit, we can throw all those well laid plans out the fucking window.

So I have to ask: is permissible to miss a football game to deal with getting the girlfriend settled in AND keeping her mother happy as well?

And before you ask, "Dude, how old is your girlfriend, like 12?" No. She's 23 but her mother is one of those, "my little snowflake shouldn't be driving 10 hours by herself" types. We all know those moms.

And before you ask, "Dude, why didn't you fly down there and drive up with her yourself?" Reasonable question. This suggestion was brought up to me only a month ago, when airfare was going to be about $290 for a one-way flight from St. Louis to New Orleans.

With all that information, I ask you again: is it permissible to miss a football game to deal with the girlfriend AND her mother?

And yes, I will be keeping track of the game on my cell phone every five minutes.

An ad campaign I can get behind...

For a guy I had pegged as a nonchalant, argyle sweater wearing point guard who partakes in bowling on the side, uh, Chris Paul knows how to market himself.





Producer: "Yeah, Chris? We got an idea we wanna run by you."

CP3: "Shoot."

Producer: "Well, we wanna do a series of Right Guard ads featuring you."

CP3: "That's great!"

Producer: "Best of all, you don't even need to show up!"

CP3: "Huh?"

Producer: "Yeah, we'll take care of everything."

CP3: "Don't you need my face?"

Producer: "Yeah, we're using your face. Your 'likeness' if you will."

CP3: "And you don't need me for shooting?"

Producer: "Nope."

CP3: "What about my voice? Is it an animated thing?"

Producer: "Sorta. But no, we will not be needing your face."

CP3: "Then what the hell are you doing?"

Producer: "You watch Conan O'Brien?"

CP3: "Yeah, when I'm not schooling punks on Xbox LIVE. Didn't he write the Monorail episode for 'The Simpsons?'"

Producer: "Yes he did. You know when Conan interviews people on his show through the TV set, but it's only a cutout of that person? We're going to do that for these ads. But instead of you being interviewed, it's just you talking about how awesome your armpits are."

(CP3 scratches miniscule facial hair.)

CP3: "I'm sold!"

At least we're not playing the Bears, right?

After looking at the list of the Saints' opponents in 2009, I'm of the mind that this team could go 4-12 or 12-4.

I mean, the NFC South is like fighting the bad guys from "Kickboxer," "I Come in Peace", and "Three O'Clock High".

The Cowboys seem like they're a clusterfuck, but I'd rather not run the risk of playing them if/when T.O. decides not to be an asshole ... The Dolphins are resurgent ... The Redskins beat us this year on the road ... The Eagles many finally turn the tide against us thanks to home field advantage ... The Giants are the best team in the NFC ... Buffalo or Toronto is actually fucking colder than Chicago, depending on when the game's played ... the Patriots are still the Patriots ...

Yeah, so I'm not worried about the Rams, Lions or Jets. But everything else? Consider me worried...I mean, PANICKED!

Hey, look! It's a Christmas post!

Yes, maybe, just maybe, people will come here on this holiday and will be sooooooo desperate to avoid spending time with the family after exchanging gifts that they'll actually read whatever I post! Sheer genius!!!

Okay, here's three of my favorite holiday movies:

"A Christmas Story"



Remember when "It's A Wonderful Life" was broadcast over a hundred times during the holiday season? Well, now that (sweet, lovable) NBC owns the rights to broadcast the film, we only see it twice. And that feels just about right. If we had to watch the Frank Capra classic more than three times a year, society would likely keel over with laughter. What did George Bailey do with all that money in the end? Did he actually ever become an architect or go to college? Damn it, I want answers! And there's just enough of a cynic in me that seeing this movie more than once during the holidays might make my blood curdle like bad milk.

With "ACS," we get a full 24 hours of the film, and that works to a tee. It's the sort of movie that you can flick on at any time and not be disappointed with where you are in the running time.

My favorite thing "ACS"-related is that my younger brother and I will exchange 10 or 20 text messages with random quotes from the film or make obscure comments while the film airs on Christmas Eve. It's sort of a new holiday tradition with us.

"Edward Scissorhands"

Look, Tim Burton, I love "Edward Scissorhands." I love your take on "Batman." I loved "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." But damn it, you've got to stop making these films with a dark, gothic edge to them! I'm not interested in seeing this "Nightmare Before X-Mas REDUX" animated crap that you're peddling. You've got story telling talent, sir! I saw "Big Fish." You've got a gift for non-"the world is bleak" storytelling, so use it, for fuck's sake!

"Die Hard"



Note to terrorists: Don't fuck with us on Christmas.

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 16 ed.)

Your babe this week is Sophie Howard. She apparently was voted as having Britain's Best Boobs or something. Good for her.





32. Detroit Lions (0-15)
31. St. Louis Rams (2-13)
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-13)
29. Cleveland Browns (4-11)
28. Seattle Seahawks (4-11)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (3-11-1)
26. Oakland Raiders (4-11)
25. Green Bay Packers (5-10)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10)
23. Houston Texans (7-8)
22. San Francisco 49ers (6-9)
21. Buffalo Bills (7-8)
20. Denver Broncos (8-7)
19. Washington Redskins (8-7)
18. Arizona Cardinals (8-7)
17. San Diego Chargers (7-8)





16. Philadelphia Eagles (8-6-1)
15. New Orleans Saints (8-7)
14. New York Jets (9-6)
13. Dallas Cowboys (9-6)
12. Chicago Bears (9-6)
11. Minnesota Vikings (9-6))
10. Miami Dolphins (10-5)
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6)
8. New England Patriots (10-5)
7. Atlanta Falcons (10-5)
6. Baltimore Ravens (10-5)
5. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-4)
4. Indianapolis Colts (11-4)
3. Carolina Panthers (11-4)
2. New York Giants (12-3)
1. Tennessee Titans (13-2)

Quite smart, this one.

Let's see, which adjective best describes the following:

"Why the hell was Sean Payton running out the clock at the end of the game against the Lions yesterday?! We Saints fans don't give a damn about sportsmanship! Fuck Detroit! We wanted Drew to keep airing it out to set himself up better to break Marino's record against the Panthers next week! C'mon Payton, if you can't get us to the playoffs at least let us fans revel in having one of our own break one the league's more prestigious records!"

--Cajun Boy in the City, at 5:32 a.m. on December 22, 2008.

Astute? Adroit? Articulate? Something else beginning with the letter A? I don't know. I do know, however, that his sentiments are spot on.

You know...

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the vaunted defense of the Carolina Panthers. Nice run blocking, fellas. Why, that deserves some clapping...



Thanks to that stellar run blocking against Derrick Ward, the Panthers now have to either win or hope the Falcons lose in order to clinch the number two seed in the NFC Playoffs. Okay, let's just check and see who the Falcons have to play here...THE RAMS?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?

Way to screw the pooch with those running plays at the end of the Lions game, Coach Payton. God damn it! How the hell is Drew Brees supposed to throw for 400 yards against an inspired Panthers defense?

Sunshine, lollipops and whopping the Lions' asses...

And while you listen to that delightful diddy, I present this week's slate of game photos:

Why this game scares me.

It's not that I think the Saints WILL lose, it's just that if any team is capable of lumbering to the finish line like a tranquilized elephant, it's this team. And the Lions are just the sort of disappointing bastards to hold firm for most of the game, keeping the game all too close going into the last frame, where even one mistake could tip the scales for either squad. Kevin Ferguson at 'Side Lion Report' says the Lions will disappoint their fans by actually winning instead of tanking the game, when it's obvious they ought to do it. Also, the Lions are 6-8 over the last two games in the last seven years. Picked that up from the aforementioned blog post as well.

I learned that Dan the Polish Guy will be starting for the Lions, after posting a 96.8 QB rating against the Colts. See, Dan-O is just capable enough of finding Calvin Johnson to torch (insert name of Saints' secondary player) repeatedly on Sunday.

That said, Drew Brees ought to shred this Lions secondary, which has given up 221 ypg through the air, pulled down only four interceptions and has allowed opposing quarterbacks to post a 108.4 rating, worst in the NFL.

My prediction? Saints win, 34-24. The Lions stay in the game through three quarters but ultimately cannot stop Brees and Pierre Thomas.

For pre-game music, I'm going with the song "Ecstasy of Gold" from the western "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." This game features one good offense (Saints), one bad defense (Saints), and one ugly franchise (Lions).

Giving a +1 to a commenter...on another blog.

Commenter's name: MtnExile
Blog site: Canal Street Chronicles

The Sporting News' Mike Florio turns in a real turd in the punchbowl column in which he attempts to argue that the Shockey trade could bring down Sean Payton.

I mean, is Sean Payton responsible for the past two years' worth of underachievement? Yep. But am I ready to pull the rug out from under him, ESPECIALLY after the 2006 season? Yeah, I get that the NFL is a "what have you done for me lately?" league, but don't tell me that Saints fans (those with half a brain) would be eager to can Sean Payton. I think an NFL coach gets a three year window of the bat when he lands a new gig. Well, a playoff appearance earns you another year for sure on that timer. A visit to the conference championship certainly nets you two years. So in my book, Sean Payton has FIVE YEARS before he's shown the door. And he's currently on year three of that. The NFC Championship appearance bought Payton some extra time. Hell, I'm really giving him SIX YEARS because of the swift turnaround from '05 to '06.

Anywho, Florio's diatribe ended up on Canal Street Chronicles, where it was subsequently taken apart by MtnExile.

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 15 ed.)

Ah, Marisa Miller, you just love iPods, don't you, you little minx...



32. St. Louis Rams (2-12)
31. Detroit Lions (0-14)
30. Oakland Raiders (3-11)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12)
28. Seattle Seahawks (3-11)
27. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11-1)
26. Cleveland Bengals (4-10)
25. Green Bay Packers (5-9)
24. San Francisco 49ers (5-9)
23. Buffalo Bills (6-8)
22. Washington Redskins (7-7)
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9)
20. San Diego Chargers (6-8)
19. New Orleans Saints (7-7)
18. Denver Broncos (8-6)
17. Houston Texans (7-7)



16. Arizona Cardinals (8-6)
15. Chicago Bears (8-6)
14. Miami Dolphins (9-5)
13. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5-1)
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5)
11. New York Jets (9-5)
10. Baltimore Ravens (8-5)
9. Minnesota Vikings (9-5)
8. New England Patriots (9-5)
7. Atlanta Falcons (9-5)
6. Dallas Cowboys (9-5)
5. New York Giants (11-3)
4. Tennessee Titans (12-2)
3. Indianapolis Colts (10-4)
2. Carolina Panthers (11-3)
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3)

Can I Haz Saints Piktures, Puh-leeze?

Okay, so I keep seeing these hilarious pictures on Kissing Suzy Kolber and always assumed it was a special deal between those guys and the folks at "icanhazcheezburger.com." Turns out, ANY asshole can do this stuff. That's why I'm here; to make light of last Thursday's terrible loss against the Bears. I may make this a running feature here.


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures


moar funny pictures

I promise I'll get better at this. Honest.

Five quick things...

1. The NFL needs to go to college rules for overtime.

2. Anyone who thinks Drew Brees is overrated is a classic "turd in the punchbowl."

3. If the Saints don't draft a corner or safety with their first pick in the draft, I'm going to fly down to New Orleans, drive to the Saints' training facility on Airline Drive, buy one of those "We're number 1!" foam fingers, and shove it up Sean Payton's pee hole!!!

4. Pierre Thomas proved that acquiring another running back should be lower on the list of off-season priorities. (In order: cornerback, safety, linebacker, defensive end, running back, quarterback -- Brunell ain't getting any younger, and wide receiver.)

5. Fuck Chicago. Fuck them in the ear, the pants, in Dick Cheney's man-sized safe, EVERYWHERE.

(Bonus: 6. Hey Reggie! There are some fields in the NFL that are so shitty you simply canNOT make nine cuts on a dime and expect to stay upright. For fuck's sake, son, pick a direction and stick with it!)

Thursday night "ThreatDown!"

Stephen Colbert was right: those fuckin' bears are a serious threat.



So on Sunday following the game against the Falcons, I went online to check some numbers on the Bears. Specifically their defensive stats. I'd heard that the Bears were not as formidable on the defensive side as they once had been.

Total yards per: 325.4 (17th)
Rushing yards per: 91.2 (6th)
Passing yards per: 234.2 (28th)

Okay, so obviously their ability to stop hasn't diminished, but look at those passing yards they're giving up! I mean, Drew should be able to throw all over these guys, right? I then noticed these numbers, which paint a more accurate picture of the Bears' passing defense:

Opp. QB rating: 74.1 (25th in the league -- that's good for them)
Ints: 19 (tied for second highest in the NFL)
No. of sacks: 27 (12th)

They've also given up two pass plays over 40 yards, one of them that ri-donk-ulous 99-yard TD pass courtesy of Gus Frerotte and the Minnesota Vikings.

So what this tells me is that the Bears can get pressure on the quarterback, force him to make bad throws, and they're not giving up the big play.

If I'm Sean Payton, the way I'm winning this game is not through a heavy dose of running, but rather a good short yardage passing game. Billy Miller and Jeremy Shockey, you're on notice. Reggie Bush should be used for swing passes and possibly going over the middle. Although we have guys that can go over the middle, I'm scared to death at that proposition. In NO WAY am I saying we need to abandon the run; the Saints definitely have to rely on Pierre Thomas' legs throughout the game. But we don't need the sort of balance we saw last week against the Falcons. If Drew Brees throws the ball 35 times, I'd like to see us run it between 20 and 25 times.

I think the game will be won or lost based on how fast Drew Brees can get the ball out of his hands and to his receivers.

Our hero Drew needs to channel this guy tonight:



Cause when dealing with Bears, a flaming sword sure as hell can't hurt.

Let's wait and see how they screw CP3 this year...

Yeah, so, uh...Chris Paul has 13 games where he's scored at least 20 points and dished 10 assists. The rest of the point guards in the NBA? A combined 16. So...let's see who the writers decide "deserves it" more than CP3 this season.

(Hat Tip to The Big Lead.)

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 14 ed.)

This is Debora Salvalaggio. She's an Italian model who dates some Portuguese guy that plays professional soccer in Italy. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I MUST get my future son interested in soccer early on, so he'll have a chance at vagina...er, I mean glory. Sweet, sweet glory.



32. Detroit Lions (0-13)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1)
30. St. Louis Rams (2-11)
29. Oakland Raiders (3-10)
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-11)
27. Kansas City Chief (2-11)
26. Cleveland Browns (4-9)
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9)
24. San Francisco 49ers (5-8)
23. Buffalo Bills (6-7)
22. San Diego Chargers (5-8)
21. Green Bay Packers (5-8)
20. Houston Texans (6-7)
19. Washington Redskins (7-6)
18. Chicago Bears (7-6)
17. New York Jets (8-5)
16. New Orleans Saints (7-6)



15. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1)
14. Minnesota Vikings (8-5)
13. Denver Broncos (8-5)
12. Miami Dolphins (8-5)
11. Dallas Cowboys (8-5)
10. Atlanta Falcons (8-5)
9. New England Patriots (8-5)
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4)
7. Arizona Cardinals (8-5)
6. Baltimore Ravens (9-4)
5. Indianapolis Colts (9-4)
4. New York Giants (11-2)
3. Carolina Panthers (10-3)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3)
1. Tennessee Titans (12-1)

Well, it was a good quarter-century, No. 5.

Saints all-time legendary kicker Morten Andersen announced his retirement Monday, one day after his former team beat his "other former team."

I would say this is the perfect time for "Carry on My Wayward Son," but I've already fired that bullet this season. So I have to go with this (forgive me, Dude):



Oh, and a big +1 to the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber for their hilarious take on the Great Dane's retirement.

Saints win. I am the Man of 1,000 Dances.

So much for that "0-17 when trailing after three quarters" crap, eh?



Well, that was...what's the word I'm looking for? Thrilling, terrifying, electrifying, frightening, discombobulating, exciting, insane, intense? Heart stopping? Nah, that's two words. I mean, why do we have to cut these things so damn close, Coach? Why am I asking so many questions that I know cannot really be answered?

I would like to say that it's pretty damn nice when the Saints show some balance on offense. They ran 32 pass plays and 30 run plays. Yeah, I'd call that balanced. (Note: Pipe down with your calls for "31-31.") Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush proved they can shoulder the load (for now), especially when playing against a mediocre run defense. Obviously, acquiring a bigger, more "between the tackles" running back should be a priority in the off-season. It's not as a big a priority as filling the gaps in the secondary, though.

What can be said about the secondary? A fellow Saints fan at the bar this afternoon said our secondary couldn't cover a fucking Kinks song, let alone the Falcons' receivers. Jason David -- you all right, son. You might just make it back on the squad next year. That's a far cry from my opinion of you as far back as, uh, four or five weeks ago. Newsflash, Mickey Loomis: I don't care what Sean Payton asks or demands, you MUST, NEED, HAVE TO draft defense this April, okay?

In the meantime, I will not allow myself to get too worked up about any sort of a playoff run here. That's for those flip-flopping drive-by callers for sports radio. I'm just thrilled because the Saints won at home against the rival Falcons, all while playing a balanced game on offense.

Now...for fuck's sake, SOMEBODY needs to teach Usama Young how to stay on Devin Hester between now and Thursday!

There are ass whoppings...

...And then there are ASS WHOPPINGS. This was the latter.

Manny Pacquiao destroyed Oscar De La Hoya over eight rounds tonight. It wasn't even close. And I don't give two shits if you don't like boxing. Manny Pacquiao is: a beast, a storm, a raging inferno, a tornado of fists, a freak of nature, whatever you want to call him.

That's it, I'm done.

So maybe not "Instant Karma," but the "Karma Police" nailed him...

Why am I so fucking happy about this? Oh yeah, cause it's O.J. Simpson.

Justice Motha Fuckers!

Will Smith stuck it to the NFL..for at least one more week. Yeah. Smith and the Deuce get to play against the Falcons.

So the Saints chances to keep themselves mathematically alive for the playoffs gets a boost.

In other news... Malbrough at WWLTV.com thinks the Saints should continue to throw every play.

And "moosedenied" agrees wiithhim.

"Canal Street Chronicles" think they're both bat shit crazy.

Discuss

.

Deuce, Will Smith, Chuck Grant suspended.

Yep, we knew this was coming. How nice of the Commissioner to wait until the final four games of the regular season before making this announcement? No, seriously, that makes sense.

Oh, well. Personally, if Charles Grant and Will Smith were trying to enhance their performance, then they ought to beat the shit out of whoever sold them that shit, cause they're about as useful as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. (Jim Ross'd)

That joke has been made before, I'm sure, but I don't give a baker's fuck.

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 13 ed.)

Week 12 in the books. Your hottie today is British model Keeley Hazell. She's got to be in the discussion for those "hottest woman" debates.

32. Detroit Lions (0-12)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1)
30. St. Louis Rams (2-10)
29. Seattle Seahawks (2-10)
28. Oakland Raiders (3-9)
27. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10)
26. San Diego Chargers (4-8)
25. San Francisco 49ers (4-8)
24. Cleveland Browns (4-8)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8)
22. Green Bay Packers (5-7)
21. Buffalo Bills (6-6)
20. Chicago Bears (6-6)
19. Houston Texans (5-7)
18. New Orleans Saints (6-6)
17. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1)



16. Denver Broncos (7-5)
15. Minnesota Vikings (7-5)
14. Miami Dolphins (7-5)
13. New England Patriots (7-5)
12. Washington Redskins (7-5)
11. Arizona Cardinals (7-5)
10. Dallas Cowboys (8-4)
9. Indianapolis Colts (8-4)
8. New York Jets (8-4)
7. Atlanta Falcons (8-4)
6. Baltimore Ravens (8-4)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-3)
4. Carolina Panthers (9-3)
3. Tennessee Titans (11-1)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3)
1. New York Giants (11-1)

Not our best eegra, O my brothers...

You Saints seem to have had a baddiwad time today. Cost me plenty pretty polly, too. Bog himself must've put a merzky curse on you for rubbin' and brosayin' all that cal on those motorcars a couple weeks ago.

The malchicks on defense had a real horrorshow performance against that sod Jeff Garcia, keepin' him to just 9-of-23 passin' for only 119 yards and a touchdown. And you tolchocked him real good a few times. Zammechat rabbit, droogs. 'Betcha he was real fagged after that, eh? Prolly needs his devotchka to ice him right 'bout now.

And I 'specially liked how Jonathan Vilma crasted that sharry away from Bucs receiver Michael Clayton early on. Real horrorshow!

But that don't matter, cause the eegra was lost on offense. If I may have a slovo or two with you, Coach Payton, I'd like to offer my soviet: quit so being so damn nadmenny with the sharry! I was creeching all bezoomy cause you didn't run the bleedin' sharry enough!

Yeah, I know, Mister Reggie Bush didn't do cal today. I'm sure all the haters are smecking over that pitiful performance. Maybe he don't care cause he's got a right fine devotchka rubbing his yarbles. If he's even GOT any yarbles!! He better learn to skorry north and south, and shivy out this east and west cal. And right quick, too!

That's not to say they didn't have a chance to win, Coach Payton. The Bucs gave the Saints a whole lots of raz to move the sharry down the field. You put it in Drew's rookers to lead the droogs. And what happened? They snuffed it. Over was the eegra. No more govoreetin' about the playoffs. And the vecks who didn't think Drew Brees was em-vee-pee can really have a good smeck of things.

Well, you got two choices, Coach: you can either filly about with malenky effort for the rest of the season, or you can give it a rally and govereet to your droogs that kicking the Falcons, Bears, Lions and Panthers' zoobies in and putting the razdrez to them is so worth it.

What's it gonna be then, eh?

You're my boy, Randall Gay! You're my boy!!

One of the best things to come out of the Saints' crushing victory over the Packers? I learned Randall Gay's nickname is "Blue." Not only that, but he apparently won't answer to "Randall," just "Blue." Amazing.



I'm thankful for having a guy on my team who answers to "Blue." He's my boy.

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9...

You know, I DID do the required research to boast of the reasons why Drew Brees deserves the MVP Award over guys like Warner and Favre, but it turns out Sports Illustrated's Don Banks did it all for me. Besides, I already broke a bottle enraged over a certain old, balding MNF announcer who verbally massaged the Jets quarterback while Brees was putting on a clinic and didn't even mention Drew Brees and the term "MVP" in the same sentence.

And in the case of Kurt Warner, Banks makes an interesting point that has not been given enough discussion: the NFC West is, as the Ralpha Dog would say, "a tire fire." No, scratch that; "it's a chemical spill." No, wait, let me think; ah yes, it's "a nuclear wasteland." Yeah, that is definitely a more apt description.

And I was listening to the replay of "Pardon the Interruption" and I heard Michael Wilbon say something to the effect of: "I don't just want to go with passer rating, there are other things to discuss besides passer rating." Which is fine, I can respect that argument. I wouldn't base an argument on just one number either. The subject then turned back to Warner and the fact that he had "only" eight interceptions on the year. This is where Tony and Michael failed to remember that Warner has fumbled the ball nine times and turned the ball over on six of those occasions. Drew Brees? Six fumbles, one lost. So, to put it another way: Kurt Warner has TURNED THE BALL OVER a TOTAL of 14 times while Drew Brees has TURNED THE BALL OVER a TOTAL of 12 times.

I know it sounds like I'm contradicting what I said earlier about the whole, "don't use one number" routine, but I'm making a point: you cannot use one set of numbers (like interceptions) without looking at a larger data set (to include fumbles), because if you want to say that Kurt Warner deserves the MVP because he's protecting the football, well, he's not protecting it better than Drew Brees has.

In fact, if somebody had the wherewithal, I'd like to know just how many interceptions Brees and Warner have thrown that have come off of pass deflections or tips.

Anywho...BREES/MOORE in '12! That's long range accuracy you can believe in!

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 12 ed.)

Rankings. Week 12. Lucy Pinder is the babe in question. And yes, they're real; just like my power rankings. ZING!



32. Detroit Lions (0-11)
31. St. Louis Rams (2-9)
30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-9-1)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-10)
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-9)
27. San Francisco 49ers (3-8)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7)
25. Oakland Raiders (3-8)
24. Cleveland Browns (4-7)
23. San Diego Chargers (4-7)
22. Houston Texans (4-7)
21. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5-1)
20. Denver Broncos (6-5)
19. Green Bay Packers (5-6)
18. Miami Dolphins (6-5)
17. Minnesota Vikings (6-5)



16. New Orleans Saints (6-5)
15. Chicago Bears (6-5)
14. Washington Redskins (7-4)
13. Buffalo Bills (6-5)
12. Baltimore Ravens (7-4)
11. Dallas Cowboys (7-4)
10. Arizona Cardinals (7-4)
9. Carolina Panthers (8-3)
8. Indianapolis Colts (7-4)
7. Atlanta Falcons (7-4)
6. New England Patriots (7-4)
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-3)
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3)
3. New York Jets (8-3)
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1)
1. New York Giants (10-1)

Um...time to bask in the healing light of Jason David?

Yeah, so back when I lived in New Orleans and went to Saints games in 2006 and 2007, one of my season-ticket compatriots was always waiting for Jason David to fuck up. Actually, we all were; he was just far more vocal about it. I think he spent as much time keying in on #42 than the rest of us put together, very quick to point out his on the field foibles.

"The fucker's playing eight yards off his man!"
"Fucking David can't get into a foot race with his guy!"
"Way to miss that tackle, fucko!"
"JAY-son FUCK-ing DAY-vid!"

It usually involved some iteration of the word "fuck." And, for the most part, those "fucks" have been well justified. Hell, even early in the game you could have dropped a casual negative tone of "fuck!" when discussing Jason David. Late in the first quarter, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tossed a deep pass to a wide open Greg Jennings, who couldn't get under the ball in time and let the ball seemingly slip through his fingers. Had Jennings caught the ball, it would have been an easy six points. Who did I see on the TV chasing after Jennings? Jason David.

And yet the football gods were smiling down on the Saints secondary, because guys seemed to be making tackles and opposing players dropped two deep balls.

Sure enough, in the third quarter, David became a hero to all in the Superdome and even showed off his soft shoe dancing skills after one pick. I could tell the crowd was really behind #42's excellent fortune and that made me happy.

After that first interception I almost texted Ralph, "Can you fucking believe this?" But I opted to hold off, knowing that even though the Saints were up by 17, fate does not like it when you tempt his ass. So I waited. Until the Saints' last touchdown of the game with about nine minutes left in the fourth.

Ralph texted me later that night: "Dude, Jason fucking David!" And this time, the fucking was one of awe and delighted bewilderment.

I told Ralph I was going to vote Jason David as the NFL's Defensive Player of the Week on NFL.com, and I would encourage all who read this to do the same. Yeah, he'll probably lose out to Ed Reed who returned an interception 108 yards for a touchdown, but I don't care. The fact is, people expect great things from Ed Reed, even if he is getting up there in years. Nobody in the Superdome would have ever predicted or realistically thought Jason David would get two picks and nearly take one back to the house.

Vote now for Jason David.

What the Deuce?

Yes, Deuce McAllister got his franchise record 54th touchdown against the Packers on MNF, and it sounded like pure pandemonium in the Superdome. The "Deuce" cheers seemed to last for well over a minute. If that was to be #26's final home game as a Saint, then I can't think of any better way to go out. You know, not counting a playoff win or something, but Deuce already has a playoff clinching performance under his belt.

And probably the best moment of it all was the unexpected hug between Sean Payton and the Deuce afterward:



It had a "Rocky II" quality to it.

Oh yeah, since I did mention the word "Deuce" in this post...



Yeah, players "allegedly" shit on one of Tom Benson's cars that he was trying to sell. Nice.

Come on, keep Haslett around!

I mean, it's not Jim Haslett's fault the Rams suck ass this year, people.

Think about it: if the Rams would have converted more than just 23 percent of the time on third down, if the offensive line would have protected the quarterbacks a little better or opened some holes for the running backs, if we could have protected the ball more, tackled better, not made a large number of stupid penalties, and made gotten some pressure on the opposing QB, you know...MAYBE it would have been a closer, more competitive game.

You keep trucking, Jim Haslett. Don't let the bastards, or Rick Venturi's abilities as a defensive coordinator, get you down.

Saints v. Packers - Previews

Canal Street Chronicles: Offensive Scouting Report and Defensive & Special Teams Scouting Reports

NFL.com Preview: Video preview

My prediction: Packers 30, Saints 24

Your REAL NFL Rankings (Week 11 ed.)

Yeah, so in order to "jazz up" my personal power rankings and kill two birds with one stone, I decided to add pictures of hot chicks along the way. But I'm not providing any analysis or reasoning for my rankings. Cause I know what you want: lists with no explanation and pics of smoking babes, not necessarily in that order.



32. Detroit Lions (0-10)
31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1)
30. St. Louis Rams (2-8)
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-9)
28. Oakland Raiders (2-8)
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-8)
26. Houston Texans (3-7)
25. San Francisco 49ers (3-7)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6)
23. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4-1)
22. Cleveland Browns (4-6)
21. San Diego Chargers (4-6)
20. Minnesota Vikings (5-5)
19. New Orleans Saints (5-5)
18. Chicago Bears (5-5)
17. Buffalo Bills (5-5)



16. Green Bay Packers (5-5)
15. Baltimore Ravens (6-4)
14. New England Patriots (6-4)
13. Denver Broncos (6-4)
12. Dallas Cowboys (6-4)
11. Atlanta Falcons (6-4)
10. Miami Dolphins (6-4)
9. Washington Redskins (6-4)
8. Indianapolis Colts (6-4)
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3)
6. New York Jets (7-3)
5. Arizona Cardinals (7-3)
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3)
3. Carolina Panthers (8-2)
2. Tennessee Titans (10-0)
1. New York Giants (9-1)



The babe in all three pictures is Kari Byron, quite possibly the hottest nerd on the planet. She's one of the staffers on Discovery Channel's "Mythbusters" program. So not only is she hot, but she'll learn you something good, too! Sweet!

Rian Lindell's "homage" to Scott Norwood.

Man, I gotta get me one of them screen capture machines so I can post images like this:



I mean, the Cigarette Smoking Man died at the end of the X-Files series, meaning that whole "the Bills will never win the Super Bowl" directive had to be revoked, right? Right?

Tim Russert must be rolling in his grave.

On the plus side, Bills' fans will always have that made for TV movie starring Jon Voight, Teri Polo and the guy who played 'Tommy' in "Shawshank Redemption."

(Hat tip to Kissing Suzy Kolber.)

The Continuing Adventures of Jeremy Shockey...

(Scene: Saints training camp.)


Shockey (singing to himself): I like pussy! Pussy, pussy, pussy! Ba-da-bup-da-ba!

(Jeremy walks into the training field house and sees it's empty.)

Shockey: What the fuck?

(Jeremy walks into the locker room and sees that it, too, is bereft of people.)

Shockey: Hmmm...Seriously, what the fuck?

(Jeremy walks into the weight room and finds Drew Brees blasting his pecs.)

Shockey: 'Sup Drew?


Drew: Hey.

Shockey: Whatcha got goin' on tonight?

Drew: Weight lifting.

Shockey: All night?

Drew: All night.

Shockey: You been doin' that all fucking week, brosef.

Drew: Yep.

Shockey: And studying game film and shit.

Drew: Yep.

Shockey: And taking those leukemia patients to see an advanced screening of Madagascar 2: Back to Africa.

Drew: Yep.


Shockey: Damn. You live a boring ass life, Drew.

Drew: Yep.

Shockey: You gonna keep giving me monosyllabic answers, Drew?

Drew: Yep.

Shockey: Betcha didn't know I could use monosyllabic in a sentence, did ya, Drew?

Drew: Nope.

Shockey: Heard Kid Rock say it once before somewheres. Say, you know where everybody's at? I gotta crush me some pussy tonight and I wants a wing man.

Drew: Nope.

Shockey: Nope? You mean "nope" to my crushing pussy or "nope" to you knowing where people are?

Drew: B.

Shockey: Fuck, you a quiet motherfucker. I gots to roll, son. See ya Sunday.

(Jeremy walks off.)


Drew: Fucking asshole. (whispers to himself.) 5,084. 5,084. 5,084. 5,084...

(Jeremy walks into the coach's office without knocking on the door.)

Shockey: What up, Coach?


Coach: Hi, Jeremy.

Shockey: Coach, where's everybody at?

Coach: Look, Jeremy, I didn't want to tell you this, but...nobody's talking to you.

Shockey: What?!? But I'm number 88!!

Coach: Yeah, uh...look, Drew's still pissed about last Sunday and he doesn't forgive and forget too easy. Know that thing on his face?

Shockey: Yeah, what about it?

Coach: He got made fun of relentlessly in grade school by some group of assholes. Ever since he got drafted, Drew keeps sending them all pictures of him in uniform holding up piles of cash in his hands. He's a calculating man, that Drew Brees.

Shockey: Shit.

Coach: Anywho, he's got the whole offensive line against you right now.

Shockey: Aw, shit no, bro? For real?

Coach: Defense, too. 'Parently half the guys on the defense don't like being on the field and they said you help contribute to their malady.

Shockey: Malady? You mean like those badass guitar riffs in Lincoln Park songs?

Coach: No, you mean "melody," Jeremy.

Shockey: You mean like that stripper I banged Wednesday night?

Coach: I guess so, sure.

Shockey: But what about the receivers and the backfield?

Coach: Don't think they like you, either.

Shockey: What about Mark Brunell?

Coach: He's still depressed that Obama won, I think.

Shockey: What about Reggie Bush?

Coach: His girlfriend won't let him make an opinion, so he's out.

Shockey: Robert Meachem?

Coach: He's excited cause I told him he might get to touch the field Sunday. He's too happy to be worried about anything else right now.

Shockey: Garrett Hartley?

Coach: The kicker? I fired him.

Shockey: You did?

Coach: No, I'm just kidding. But he doesn't like you, either. Your dropped passes and poor pass blocking leave the team too far out on third downs and put the pressure on him to make field goals. I told him if he missed one from inside 35 yards that I'd castrate him in front of Mickey Loomis.

Shockey: What about Mark Campbell?

Coach: He's being injected with Cortisone and can't speak. And he doesn't want to go out tonight, either.

Shockey: Billy Miller?

Coach: He's sleeping with the JUGS machine.

Shockey: Chris Owens? I wouldn't fuck that chick with Ronnie Ghent's dick!

Coach: No, an ACTUAL JUGS machine.

Shockey: You mean, sleeping with the JUGS machine? Or sleeping with the JUGS machine?

Coach: I don't care what he does with it, as long as he makes catches. Maybe you should consider banging the JUGS machine, too.

Shockey: Jeremy Shockey don't do that. The only threesomes he knows involve two chicks burned out on ecstasy. BOING!

Coach: Well, I don't know what to tell you, then.

Shockey: Doesn't anybody want to hang out with the Shock-Meister? Doesn't anybody like me?

Coach (stroking his imaginary beard): Well...

(Scene: Later that night: Monteleone Hotel Piano Bar.)


Joey Fingers: "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air! I never thought I could feel so free-he-he!!"

Shockey: Jesus fucking Christ, the team REALLY doesn't like me...