Since the boys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have their hands full talking about Hines Wald, the Double J, Philip Rivers and Tawmmy the Pats Fan, I thought I'd step in take a stab at the news that Joey Harrington has joined the Saints.
(Coach Payton walking through the halls of Saints HQ toward the indoor practice field on a Friday morning.)
Payton: Man, we have got to get our stuff together if we're to beat the Broncos this weekend. Gotta get one more practice in before hopping on the team plane...
(Coach Payton opens the door to the indoor facility, only to find no one there.)
Payton: Shit, where is everybody?
(Elsewhere in the Saints' facility...)
Joey Sunshine (playing piano in the players' lounge): "Sing us a song, you're the Piano Man! Sing us a song tonight! Well, we're all in the mood for a melody! And (I've) got you feelin' alright!"
Mark Brunell: This guy's pretty decent, right Jeremy...?
Jeremy: Um...(sounds of split being swapped)
Mark Brunell: Okay, then...(goes back to snapping fingers in rhythm.) Isn't this fun, Drew?
Drew: Mark, Coach will NOT be happy about this. We're supposed to be gearing up for the Broncos right now. It's likely going to be a high scoring shoot out and we need to be ready.
Jeremy (takes one chick away from the three-way make out so he can speak clearly): No, dude, the DEFENSE needs to get its shit together, bra! The Shock-meister here is prepping the only way he knows how! (Pulls second chick back, continues three-way make out.)
(Coach Payton bursts through the door of the players' lounge.)
Payton: What the hell is going on here?! Drew, we got a game in two days and you're playing grab ass with the offense here!
Drew: I know, Coach, I've been going over game film at home and here. The wife wishes I'd pay a little more attention to her...
Payton: We don't have time for any fancy-schmancy "my wife this" or "my wife that" ... this is the NFL, Drew, quarterbacks HAVE to be leaders! You saw what happened to Tom Brady when he started banging that model?!?
Drew: Yes, sir. But what about Shockey?
(Payton looks over at Jeremy Shockey in the corner.)
Jeremy: Um, that's the stuff right there...
Payton: Looks normal to me.
Drew: What?! He's making out with two chicks at the same time.
Payton: What? Jealous?
Drew: No! Didn't you just tell me to put the wife on the backburner for the good of the team?
Payton: Yeah, you're the quarterback. The field general. The anti-Vince Young. A leader of men. A Captain of Industry. Jeremy's the tight end.
Drew: What about Reggie over there?
Payton: He's the running back with the crazy girlfriend who's supposed to get it together in the end. You haven't seen the script? It's been done in EVERY football movie ever, Drew. You've gotta be the one guy who wants to hold this thing together, almost at the expense of your personal relationships. Hey Reggie, where are you going?
Reggie: I'm flying out right now. Kim's taking me to Denver on her private family jet. We gonna do the freak-nasty the whole way there!!
Drew: Reg, are you sure that's a good idea?
Reggie: Haven't you read the script?
Drew: What script?
Reggie: That book by the Dallas Cowboy guy. He said players were fucking on planes and shit. And they won three Super Bowls. Geez, Drew, and I thought you wanted to win a ring...
Drew: I do! But, do you REALLY have to bang Kim Kardashian on a private jet?
Reggie: Damn right I do! Can't have anybody snapping pics of us and putting that shit up on the internet!
Jeremy: What a second? What's this "having sex on a plane" thing?
Reggie: The Cowboys did it in the 90s and they won three Super Bowls.
Jeremy (scratches beard while making out): I'm intrigued by your proposal, sir, and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter. Come on babes. (Jeremy joins Reggie on the private plane.) We gonna have us a five way, fo show!
Drew: Aw, fiddlesticks!
Payton: Would you look at these two?
(Drew turns around and sees Mark Brunell laying across the piano while Joey Sunshine keeps playing.)
Brunell: "Bring back that lovin' feelin'! Bring back that lovin' feelin'!"
(Drew shakes head.)
Drew: God damn...
(Deuce McAllister sticks his head in the door.)
Deuce: Hey, Coach, I just saw Reggie take off early. Can I practice with the first team today? Pretty please?
Payton: Not now, Deuce, I'm trying to work out a scheme here!
(Deuce slinks away.)
Drew: Christ...I need to go flying fishing.
Brunell: Hey, Joey! Do you know any Third Eye Blind?
Joey: Do I?!?
Joey & Brunell: "How's it gonna be? When you don't know me anymore?!?"