A Pox on All Your Houses!

The Big 10. Pussies.
The Big XII. Douchebags.
The Big East. Dickheads.
And of course, the Pac-10...Fuck them, too!

The aforementioned collection of jabroni collegiate football conferences decided to vote AGAINST the will of the people and opted to stick with the current BCS format, ensuring several more years of head scratching, hair pulling, teeth gnashing and the like from fans across the country. Read more.

Only the SEC (best conference in college football!) and the ACC (eh, not-so-much-the-best...) wanted to sack up and go for the proposed four-team playoff system.

You'd think all these guys would be tired old farts bitterly complaining about changing their ways. Well, they kinda were...except for Mike Slive and John Swofford, commissioners of the SEC and ACC, respectively. They're the guys pictured on this post, from left to right. Shit, Silve looks like he's old enough to have played against Red friggin' Grange and even he knows the score: the people want to have a definitively crowned national college football champion. End of story. Sadly, the commissioners of the above pussy conferences tabled those plans until 2014. At the earliest. Shit.

Here's the quote from the AP story emphasizing their biggest gripe with the proposed playoff:

"College football's leaders are concerned a playoff would turn football into a two-semester sport and lessen the importance of a regular season that now has a do-or-die feel to it from week to week."

Newsflash, fellas: you're NOT turning this into March Madness! College football will NOT turn into a two semester sport. The championship game could be played by mid-January AT THE VERY LATEST. Of course, that's if you guys agree to speed things along during the season with the schedules. Isn't the BCS Championship Game in the first week of January already? What's another week, guys?

And you're also worried about losing the do-or-die vibe that makes college football great? Second newsflash, numbnuts: losing one game still means you're likely out of the running! Then again, LSU did make the title game last season with two losses, but that was under your lame ass system. They still would have made it under this new (and better) format, but there would have been a lot less pissing and moaning from the public at large...except for the state of Georgia. That's about it. But fuck Georgia, anyhow...

Chiming in on the Saints' Draft!

Well, it only took three f*cking days, didn't it?

Ralph Malbrough at WWLTV.com has posted his thoughts on the Saints' '08 draft:

Did the Saints get lucky when their school girl crush for Glenn Dorsey was rebuffed by the Kansas City Chiefs?

For the record, I’m not knocking the infatuation. If you read this column, then you know I was all for the Saints moving up to get Dorsey but even my love for Dorsey didn’t include parting with a 2009 1st round pick. By the way the Chiefs were incredibly stupid not to accept the Saints offer. While Dorsey will probably be spectacular the Chiefs are so far from being good an extra 1st round pick next year was something they shouldn’t have passed on.

So instead of Dorsey the Saints swapped picks with New England and selected Sedrick Ellis from USC. If the experts are right then it’s a really solid move.

Five years ago when the Saints moved up to draft Johnathan Sullivan I don’t recall Mel Kiper or Mike Detillier saying once Sullivan got his money he would take fat and lazy to a whole other level so let’s hold off on calling Saturday’s move brilliant.

I just wonder in a few years if Saints fans will be lamenting the fact Dorsey got away or laughing how lucky the Saints were to get their second choice?

The rest of the Saints draft is like any other in that we have absolutely no idea what they got.

2nd round pick Tracy Porter can fly but is undersized and can’t tackle according to Mel Kiper but Deion Sanders will go in the Hall of Fame never making a tackle except by accident. The Saints need corners that can cover. Tackling is just a nice bonus.

Two other interesting things from the Saints draft happened that are concerning.

They still don’t have a really good tight end because the trade for Jeremy Shockey never happened and they didn’t draft one. The Saints offense will never be great without a good tight end. Plus, the key to winning the NFC South is beating Tampa. To beat Tampa you have to solve the Cover-Two defense.

You do that by either having a power running game or throwing to the tight end in the middle of the field vertically.

When Deuce was healthy the Saints would pound him at the Tampa front to soften the defense but counting on a healthy Deuce doesn’t seem realistic and the Saints still lack a tight end threat.

Call me concerned.

If you disagree re-watch the Colts and first Tampa Bay game from last season. The Saints struggle big time against fast cover two teams.

The second thing that happened was to me way more troubling: The Saints drafted a kicker.

This means I may be deprived of enjoying a full season of the human bobble head known as Martin Gramatica. Do you realize if Taylor Mehlhaff beats out Gramatica we won’t get to enjoy seeing Gramatica celebrating 30yard 1st quarter field goals like he just won the World Cup?

This is completely unacceptable.

The summer kicking competition is Good (Gramatica) vs. Evil (Mehlhaff).

It’s nothing personal Taylor, it’s just Gramatica is comedy gold.

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints and Hornets fan living in Houston. He can be reached at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com

Hornets Win! Hornets Win! Theeeeeeeeeeeeee Hornets Win!

So Byron Scott gets his (justly deserved) Coach of the Year award and the team proceeds to rip out Mark Cuban's heart over the next two hours? Nice. Chris Paul rocked a triple-double and David West added 25 points in the Hornets' 99-94 win over Dallas. So...the Hornets actually made it to round two of the playoffs? Uh, what do we do now?

Oh yeah, we get the Spurs next. Greeeeeeeeeeeeat...'The Flopper' Manu Ganobli, Tony 'Frenchie' Parker, Bruce 'The Bastard' Bowen and 'Tim-May!' Duncan. Bring it on, fellas. I would have hoped the Suns could have forced a game six, but oh well, they didn't have it in them. They seemed to know the Spurs had their number. But here's the thing about the Hornets: they don't KNOW the Spurs are SUPPOSED to go on in the next round. The Hornets have no 'sword hanging over the head' fear of the Spurs.

And now that Charles Barkley has come out and said he'll no longer sleep on the Bees, it's a watershed moment for Hornets' fans.

Awesome Sports Commercials...

Day two of the NFL Draft...and I'm posting this today? Well, I need time to get my facts together to formalize my OFFICIAL OPINION on the Saints' draft. I'm sure Ralpha Dog will come up with something well before I do.

This is more or less my post for coping with a sunburn and hangover. Enjoy! (Oh, and these are listed in no particular order...)

Nomis: 'Damn Boots'


Creative soccer ad, hat tip to The Offside Rules.


Gatorade: "Like Mike" (The Original)



Nike: Michael Jordan, "Failure"


An inspirational ad from MJ that gets little or no play from the public at large. The "Like Mike" bit, or "Larry V. MJ" or "MJ versus himself" commercials are always among the first to get mentioned as the best Jordan ads.


Nike: Michael Jordan, "Maybe"


Newest Jordan commercial. I like how he's putting shit into perspective with these ads. It's weird that I'm getting sage like advice from the most corporate athlete in the history of the world.

Nike: Michael Jordan, "Play Your Game"

Forecast: This Draft Sucks!

By Ralph Malbrough

I’m not really excited for the Draft. Yeah, I said it.

I began this column six years ago specifically for the Draft. In fact, the year the Saints picked Johnathan Sullivan, I did eight different Mock Drafts. Eight! Me not loving the draft would be like Dean Martin not loving booze or Adam ‘Pac Man’ Jones not ‘making it rain.’

How did this happen?

It’s not like I’ve joined the dark side and think the Draft itself is somehow lame. I still love all the glory that is the NFL Draft. From Mel Kiper’s hair, Mike Detillier at Saints’ Draft Fest, the attire of NFL players at the ridiculous round table on ESPN, and words like “upside,” “difference maker” and “point-of-attack,” I still love the Draft. I just hate This Draft. It’s incredibly boring.

The Dolphins made a guy, Jake Long, who looks like a slightly above average right tackle the first pick. Yawn.

Sure, defensive tackles and offensive linemen are important and all but throw in the fact the Saints pick tenth in a draft with seven really good players and let’s just say I’m glad each team will only have ten minutes to make their picks. At least when the Saints are on the clock and all the elite defensive players are gone, the wait to see what unworthy player they’ll select will be short.

You know when I realized this draft was awful? When I heard Sports Illustrated’s Peter King wax on and on about Boston College’s Matt Ryan and how great he’s going to be – that’s when it hit me. The experts are hyping up average players because no one wants to say, “Boy this year’s class is really mediocre.”

Matt Ryan threw 19 interceptions in a bad ACC and yet all the draft analysts are in nearly perfect agreement that he should be a top ten pick. Just because an average looking girl is in a room filled with ugly ones doesn’t mean she’s Cindy Crawford. That pretty much sums up the 2008 Draft.

So Matt Ryan is the best of bad quarterback group and he gets $25 million? In three years when he’s a backup and assumed the mantle of Joey Harrington 2.0, don’t say you weren’t warned. So go ahead and talk yourself into Keith Rivers, Mike Jenkins or Aqib Talib, but if ever there was a year to overpay to move up this is that year.

The Saints should be willing to part with any pick from this year’s draft to move up and grab either Glenn Dorsey or Sedrick Ellis.

And don’t tell me trading away multiple draft picks ruins a franchise for years. If that’s true, then how come the Saints won a playoff game the year after Mike Ditka traded away the entire 1999 Draft for Ricky Williams? In a draft this pathetic, I don’t want a pocket full of maybes; just give me one possible star.

The Saints should be trying to win now. For the first time in the team’s history the Saints have a quarterback capable of winning a Super Bowl. So win now already. Besides, trading up is way more exciting than drafting Xavier Adibi in the third round.

Mickey Loomis, go and get Glenn Dorsey and make the dullest draft in years fun…at least for us Saints fans.

Ralph Malbrough is a Saints fan living in Houston. He can be reached at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com

Does Byron Scott's Kid Do Parties?

Two hat tips for this one:

1. to 'You Been Blinded' for finding it and posting it originally...

and

2. to 'The Big Lead' for linking it so I could find it...

Byron Scott's kid rappin' away...

So are the VooDoo next in line to get a printable flyer?

Hey, that vaunted brain trust that provided Saints fans with ads foretelling a 'Black and Gold Super Bowl!' prior to the NFC Championship Game (dumbest. fucking. idea. EVER.) has ACTUALLY gone out and done something good: albeit a month too late...and that's get on the Hornets' bandwagon.

WWL-TV created a Hornets flyer saying "Hands Up for the Hornets!" It's not exactly "Bless You Boys" but it's definitely a step in the right direction. I just want to know what took these guys so long to wake up and get moving on this thing.

I definitely want the local print and TV media to be in full support of the Hornets, even if New Orleans will always be a football town.

Can't wait for Hornets-Mavs, Game 3 on Friday night. I might turn on the TV at work to catch the action. (Shhh! Don't tell my employers...)

John Hollinger Doesn't Know Who Ric Flair Is?

Since Wednesday's column from ESPN Insider John Hollinger is likely to be all "insiders only" within a couple hours, I decided to cut and paste the relevant source material for this post:

NEW ORLEANS -- "Woo!"

That's what the Hornets' PA announcer says every time Chris Paul scores, or assists, or makes some other nice play, and then the crowd follows it up with one of their own.

And the Mavericks have to be darn sick of hearing it, because in the first two games of this series we've had more wooing than Romeo and Juliet.

The rest of the time, Hollinger is singing the praises of the Hornets and how the Mavericks couldn't seem to do anything to stop CP3.

But those first three lines tell me that for all of his grand, mathematical equations to figure out who was the most efficient power forward between 1991-1999 with last names beginning with a vowel...he certainly doesn't know his pop culture.

Uh, Mr. Hollinger? That "Woo!" sound you're hearing is a sound byte of The Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Need a refresher course on who he is, John?



You're talking about the 16-time world heavyweight champion! The limousine ridin', jet ridin', kiss stealin', high-flyin', wheelin', dealin' son of a gun! You don't have to like it, Hollinger, but you better learn to love it cause it's the best thing going!

There you go. Now go and devise a formula telling me that Ricky Steamboat was the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all-time, sir!

Wooooo!

Avery Johnson: Dead Coach Walking?

Ummm, Chris Paul must be on a 'Get Avery Fired' campaign.

Mark Cuban looked about as happy as a fat guy at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Paul had 32 points and 17 assists and the Hornets did whatever they felt like doing.

Hell, Mo Pete dropped a dozen on the Mavs.

I'm not saying this series is over but how exactly are the Mavs going to win four of the next five games?

NBA teams that win the first two games win the series more than 80% of the time. I saw that stat on ESPN News this morning while eating a Pop-Tart

By the way, I guess defending Chris Paul isn't as easy as NBA experts like Bill Simmons thought.

(Note: if there was a magic formula for stopping CP3 I'm guessing an NBA coach would have figured it out by January.)

The best news: If the Hornets wrap this up quick, they get plenty of rest to face whoever survives the Spurs-Suns war.

Good times

Bruins suck! Get Simmons a towel to cry and bleed on!

Always nice when it's someone other than me calling out Bill Simmons. Have I mentioned that I love Kissing Suzy Kolber? And I thought I detested Billy BaRoo...

Eric McErlain at AOL Sports decided to blast Bill for his recent bandwagon Bruins tirade. Good times, Bill. Good times.

Hey! A Byron Scott for 'Coach of the Year' post!

It's not that Bill Rhoden of the New York Times lays out the groundwork for Mr. Scott deserves the honor (which he does in full), it's that he's so nonchalant in stating that CP3 ought to be the MVP of the league as well.

Here's to you, Bill Rhoden, (woo-woo-woo)...

Shockey to the Saints? (shaking head in disgust...)

So, when Shockey gets hurt, he'll be sitting up in a suite, drinking a couple vodka tonics with some lady friends from Bourbon Street? Uh, thanks but no thanks, Jeremy.

NOLA.com: Shockey value? The Saints want to know. He's NOT worth a second-round pick. He's a malcontent. Do you really want a guy with that much potential outside trouble coming to New Orleans?

Think about this way: Reggie Bush's contract is up in four years, and the only way I see him staying with the Saints is if they make the playoffs at least twice more in that span and don't get blown out along the way. If Shockey comes in, Sean Payton is taking a risk that he could become a distraction cost the team games in the long run, which could affect Reggie's decision to stay in New Orleans.

McNair Not Worthy of Canton?

At least, that's the compelling (and rich) case made by Don Banks of Sports Illustrated. Read more. I'm inclined to agree with Mr. Banks. It's all about sustained greatness.

To put it another way: If Terrell Davis isn't getting in, then Steve McNair sure as hell isn't getting in.

NBA First Round Playoff Picks: "Where Lameness Happens..."

Look, I can't get into too much detail here with these picks. I'm packing for a weekend trip to Chicago to compete in a Hurling competition. Not puking. The 2,000-year-old Gaelic sport in which a bunch of men run around with sticks trying to hit a ball in the air. Anywho...here's my first round predictions, in 12 words or less:

Eastern Conference:

1) Celtics v. 8) Hawks -- Atlanta is lucky to reach a game five. K.G. grins, Celtics' win.

2) Pistons v. 7) 76ers -- Pistons turn it on and off. Back on. Off again. Six games.

3) Magic v. 6) Raptors -- Magic cruising behind Turkolu (sp? indeed).

4) Cavaliers v. 5) Wizards -- Hibachi pulls off minor upset over King James in epic seven games.

Western Conference:

1) Lakers v. 8) Nuggets -- Kobe grabs the broom. Lakers in 4.

2) Hornets v. 7) Mavericks -- CP3 is awesome, D-West goes off for 40 pts. in clincher in N.O.

3) Spurs v. 6) Suns -- PLEASE GOD, let the Suns win in Six! Tired of Timmy Duncan!

4) Jazz v. 5) Rockets -- Sorry, Tracy, enjoy the time off. Jazz in Six.

Simmons Wises Up, Puts Kobe Behind CP3 in MVP race...Oh, no...

Bill Simmons = Star Wars, Episode 3



I became a fan of the early works (re: pre-2005 Simmons and pre-prequel trilogy, respectively), but both have tapered off dramatically over the years. Sure, I'll get one or two moments of joy here and there, but to quote B.B. King: the thrill is gone. I can still cling to my old VHS copies of the original, non-special edition trilogy with all the special effect imperfections and linear story telling that I loved...and yeah, I can reread Billy Boy's column about Ward-Gatti, picking an EPL team or even his post 2003 ALCS disaster stuff.

It's just not the same. Both have disappointed me over the years.

I was all set to give Mr. West Coast a pat on the back for landing an interview with Barack Obama, but ESPN apparently nixed that idea. (Hat Tip to The Big Lead) But yesterday as I was perusing Page 2, I saw Bill had posted his NBA MVP column and decided to give it a look to see if he was in the "give it to Kobe cause he's earned it over the years" camp or not. Bill was definitely not in that camp:

"In short, I don't get the Kobe argument unless you're playing the "career achievement award" angle, which is just a moronic way to look at it. That's the type of thinking that led to Marty Scorcese finally winning an Oscar for a movie that ended with a rat crawling on the balcony as a big neon "SYMBOLISM! SYMBOLISM!" sign flashed in the background. Come on."

Best of all? He had Kobe ranked BEHIND Chris Paul! This should be good news for Hornets fans, right? That a guy who's bread and butter is the NBA actually recognizing the contributions CP3 has made for his city, his team and the game itself. Right? Right?

WRONG.

Simmons ranked Kobe 3rd and Chris Paul 2nd. Behind who, you might ask? A certain Boston Celtic named Kevin Garnett. Now, let's just bookend his comments about putting K.G. atop his mock ballot:

"Let's get the bad stuff out of the way so you don't think this is a homer vote: I don't think Garnett is the most talented player in the league; I don't trust him at the end of games because he gets too wound up; it drives me crazy that he relies on his fall-away so much (especially in fourth quarters); and I'd rather have Tim Duncan for a playoff series if my life depended on it. Of course, none of that stuff matters in an MVP discussion." and "Just remember, the "V" stands for "valuable.""

You're right that the "V" stands for valuable, Bill. (It also stands for Vendetta, but that's beside the point...) Kevin Garnett absolutely was the most valuable guy in the Eastern Conference. He helped turn around a franchise in a total 180 move, made his teammates better, etc. Here's the thing: CP3 did all that AND MORE in the most competitive Western Conference the NBA has seen in recent memory.

The only thing Garnett did that Chris Paul could not was make Doc Rivers look like a great coach. Newsflash: Byron Scott was already a good coach (he's got NBA Finals credentials), so CP3 didn't have to make his coach look brilliant. KG did. Kudos to you, sir.

But here's Bill's own words on CP3:

"The most talented 6-foot-and-under player ever (sorry, Isiah), he just submitted the greatest all-around season of any point guard since Oscar Robertson (including a scintillating 22-13-4 with 50-82-41 percentages after the All-Star break) and played the position with particular style (nobody converted more alley-oop passes with a high degree of difficulty). Over the course of six months, I only saw him neutralized by two teams out of 29 (the Celtics because of their team defense, and the Jazz because of Deron Williams)."

The greatest season by a point guard since The Big O? And this guy isn't the MVP? To borrow a line from you, Bill, I will now go light myself on fire.

Yep, it's a blatant homer call putting K.G. ahead of CP3, Billy Boy. More blatant than me, a former New Orleans resident, stumping for CP3. I'm right, you're wrong; deal with it!

Saints Schedule Review, Part Deaux!

Yeah, so I was checking out the Saints schedule and I...Holy Shit! Bill Simmons was going to to have Barack Obama on his next podcast? Damn, Billy Ba Rool might be able to win me back...Hold on, wait a sec. ESPN cancelled it. Nevermind. I still dislike Billy Bathgate.

Anywho...

The Saints schedule came out Tuesday and my cohort, the Bastard Son for Fourcade, seems to think the Saints are in for a tough year. I checked the schedule rankings and according to ESPN, the Saints have one of the easiest schedules in the league -- 28th overall. Of course, the league brass also gave the New England "Fackin'" Patriots the EASIEST schedule in the NFL. But I digress...

I'm here to give my immediate, gut-shot reaction to the schedule, complete with a WIN-LOSS prediction for the season. Of course, like any and all analysts, I reserve the right to flip-flop at my own discretion. I will look to change this again at four more points prior to game one of the regular season: after the draft, after mini camp, after training camp and after the pre-season.

Follow me? Good. Let's get cracking.

The Saints open the season at home (thank God) against division rivals the Tampa Bay Bucs. I smell a win. Games two and three are on the road against the Redskins and Broncos. I see the Saints splitting the road trip.

The 49ers, Raiders and Vikings visit the Superdome over the next three weeks. Right now, I'm pegging the Saints to win all three of those games. The only concern is if the Saints don't shore up that run defense in time to face Purple Jesus...

Considering that we embarrassed Carolina last year on their field, I think we're due for retribution from them. Game eight is the London Calling against the San Diego Chargers. Two high-powered offenses on the shitty field in jolly ol' England has all the makings of a 13-10 shootout. I think the Saints lose that one.

Bye week.

The way the Falcons looked last year, there's no reason to believe that they will go from last to first -- I don't care what the NFC South rule of thumb has been! The Saints can definitely beat the Falcons in BOTH meetings this year.

At Kansas City could be a win for the Black and Gold Boys as well...but Green Bay could be a problem on Monday Night Football. It depends on how well Brett Fav-er, Aaron Rodgers is doing. I'll take the Saints for right now.

Tampa Bay and New Orleans split the season series. NEXT! (And we already covered Atlanta.)

What the hell is the NFL's problem? Why have they scheduled the Saints to face the Bears IN CHICAGO DURING THE WINTER again?! Damn it, Goodell! Damn you to hell! Saints get fucked in Chi-Town yet again...Of course, FOX or whoever lightens the mood by showing footage of Coach Payton's brief NFL career as QB for the Bears.

At Detroit. Say it with me folks: "W."
And we close out the season at home against Carolina. Another win.

So as of April 16, 2008, I'm giving the Saints an 11-5 record for the year. Peace out!

Saints schedule...ugly start

My initial reaction to the Saints schedule is...good lord that first month is brutal.

They host Tampa to open the season, then go to Washington, to Denver, and come home to host San Francisco.

That's a pretty tough start.

My other first impression is the Saints don't have any easy stretches except for back to back games against Atlanta and Kansas City but even those games are on the road.

The fact is no one has any idea if the Saints schedule will be tough.

In 2006 going in no team had a tougher schedule than the Saints and last years slate looked pretty soft going in.

Not so much.

Two home Monday night games(Minnesota Oct 6, Green Bay Nov. 24) are cool. Plus there is nothing better than opening the new season at home against a division rival.

How many days till Sept. 7th and Tampa comes to the Dome....

Football rules..everything else is second

The Saints All Midget Backfield for 2008!

Yeah Deuce is a great guy, a Saints Legend who loves New Orleans.

And absolutely none of that will matter in the Saints' attempt to win football games.

Deuce has the knees of an 80-year-old man and while I'm all for the Saints giving him a shot at trying to play, my main concern is this: If the Saints are counting on Deuce to be a big part of the offense this year, then it means once again they'll be stuck with the 'All Midget Backfield' of Reggie Bush, Pierre Thomas, and Aaron Stecker.

How'd that go last year?

Against the Eagles with 1st and goal from the one-yard line...it went as well as a whore in church -- just horrible for everyone involved.

When the Saints have trouble picking up 3rd and 2 and have no power run game because Deuce is injured and the Saints have no alternative, I want no complaining for you people.

Got it?

Good.

This will end very badly for the Saints if they don't draft a back early this year.

Get Used to Seeing This for Another Year...

So Deuce and the Saints have struck a new deal that will (likely) be more incentive based given McAllister's second knee injury in three years. It's a win-win situation for both sides, really. If the Saints had cut Deuce or let him go off and sign with another team, some fans would've turned on Sean Payton and the management, regardless of what else they did in the off-season. See, McAllister has gotten into the rarefied Saints elite territory...he's not Archie Manning by any stretch of the imagination, but he's definitely up there with Craig "Iron Head" Heyward, Kyle Turley (before going nuts) and maybe Joe Horn.

For statistical purposes, Steve Gleason and Brian Milne have their own velvet rope section where no one else is allowed, for reasons that don't even need to be discussed.

The team did not need to have anybody questioning their logic, especially after the Joe Horn falling out. Never mind that the Saints were ultimately proven right by letting Joe roll out of town, some fans thought Joe didn't deserve that. Hey, I already voiced my opinion on that one back when I was writing for WWL-TV.

By signing Deuce to an incentive laden contract, the Saints have a better risk versus reward situation going on. If Deuce performs well, they pay him his money and can deal with him again in the off-season. If Deuce injures himself again on has a subpar year, the Saints just lose a little bit of money and it'll be easier for everyone (fans especially) for the team to cut ties. PLUS, this means the Saints don't have to use one of their first day picks on a running back. Hell, with Pierre Thomas in the fold, the Saints shouldn't have to worry about taking a running back until after the draft ends.

Signing Deuce gives the Saints a chance to focus on the bigger priorities: shoring up that God awful defense.

Here's where my head's at...

On the "Danny Pintauro in Cujo Annoyance Scale" I rate the following Old Spice commercials...(with 1 being, "Not annoying at all! what the fuck is your problem!? Annoying? Bah! I fart on your suggestion of annoyance!" and a 10 being, "Jesus tap dancing Christ, can we PLEASE shut this f**king guy up?!") You get the idea...


Annoyance Scale: 3. But only because I don't mind smelling like wild flowers AND shame...


Annoyance Scale: a solid 4.5


Annoyance Scale: a 7. Listen, Will, go make "Anchorman 2" and quit making crappy comedies. Why did you turn into Adam Sandler?! Why?!? Why?!?


Annoyance Scale: a 9.95. Would've been higher, but the Austrian judges gave it an 8.98. This fuckwad should've taken in a mouth full of dirt. Look, I realize advertising in the 21st century is all about being clever and nonsensical. Like a Mr. Plow ad. But this shit is seriously aggravating.


Annoyance Scale: -174...meaning, holy fuck Bruce Campbell knows how to bring it in a commercial hocking other peoples' wares! See, THIS is how you're supposed to market shit all clever like in the 21st century.

Dude, no Little Mac?

I check IGN.com fairly often--two or three times a week--and enjoy reading the occasional "100 Greatest Video Games of All-Time" lists. But they recently concocted a list of the greatest virtual athletes of all time. Those immediately asking, "Where's Bo Jackson?" should remember: he was a real guy. Yeah, we all speak of him as if he were legend or myth, but Bo Jackson was, in fact, a real badass flesh and blood guy. Now, Eagles QB-12? Different story...

My favorite of IGN's Hall of Fame class is Star Man from "Pro Wrestling." That guy was the shit. And his back flip double kick to the face was an awesome special move.

But I've got to ask, oh wise IGN Editors: why no Little Mac? I mean, you put Glass Joe on the f**king ballot, but no Little Mac? The guy stood about 5'8", weighed 160 pounds soaking wet, and was fighting guys like Soda Popinksi who towered over him by a full foot and outweighed him by about 100 pounds. Shit, the little bugger wasn't even a heavyweight! And there he was, mixing it up with the bigger dudes on a regular basis.

Anybody that can plow through such ridiculous stereotypical fighters like the foppish Frenchman (Glass Joe), the goose-stepping Kraut (Von Kaiser, the Japanese guy named for both a car part AND a car maker (Piston Honda), the fat Samoan (King Hippo), the angry Turk (Bald Bull), the vein Hollywood asshole (Super Macho Man) on his way to impressing Iron Mike Tyson with his "finger speed" deserves some god damn recognition!

Hold the phone...AND you guys cut out the guy from Excitebike?!? I call shenanigans! Shenanigans, I say!

Who's up for emailing the IGN folk and having them make this thing right?

Shit.

Not that the Hornets haters out there needed a REAL reason to screw CP3 out of the MVP, but Kobe and the Lakers bested the bugs 107-104 in Los Angeles Friday night. Would've been nice to watch the game on ESPN, but oh well...

Kobe Bryant nearly netted a triple-double (29 points, 10 rebounds and eight assists) while Chris Paul registered 15 points, 17 assists (17!?!), six rebounds and four steals. How the hell does a guy who's six feet tall--if that?--snag six boards in the NBA? Oh yeah, cause he's fucking Mega Man, that's why!

The season series between the two teams is tied at two apiece, but the more important problem is that the Hornets' grip atop the Western Conference has been loosened by just enough to give the Lakers and Spurs a chance to contend with only a few games to play.

It's kinda hard to come back from a 30-point deficit on the road against a quality team like the Lakers, but say this about the Hornets: they did not pack their shit in and give up mid-way through the game. Kudos to them.

Still...it's not like Stephen A. Smith or some other jabronies needed any more reason to "gift" the MVP award to Kobe.

In terms of basketball karma, I'd be willing to see CP3 lose the MVP award, provided the Hornets made it AT LEAST to the Western Conference Finals. It's what sports fans do: we try and trade something we don't already have for something better.

On the plus side, at least Chris Paul is a snapper dresser:



(Hat Tip to Hornets 24-7 on that one.)

Was CP3 Created in a Lab By Dr. Light?

Look, the comparisons between Chris Paul and Mega Man are there: both are small and agile, each wears a blue uniform, and both wield some pretty mean, badass weapons: the no look pass and arm cannon, respectively. If only CP3 could get away with using a cannon on his left arm to disintegrate defenders, though...but I digress.

I bring this up because Adrian Wojnarowski of Yahoo! Sports asked this question in his latest column: "Still, Bryant is an MVP. He’s been the best player, a three-time champion and voters must ask themselves: If I don’t vote for him this year, what will it ever take?"

He goes on to say that Bryant does not need an historical context to claim the award, but then why bother mention the fact that he's a three-time champion, Adrian? And why bother to mention that Chris Paul has never been in the playoffs? You're looking for some sort of historical context right there, buddy...!

To answers your question, "What will it ever take" for Kobe to win the MVP Award? Well, there's only one answer: when there isn't somebody else who's More Valuable than him Playing in the league. Chris Paul is more valuable to the Hornets than any other player in the league, respective to their teams.

And again, I hate beating a dead horse here, but...CP3 IS HAVING ARGUABLY THE BEST SEASON EVER FOR A POINT GUARD.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go into my think tank to figure out who to compare all the Mega Man robots to...Would Tyson Chandler qualify as Bomb Man and thus make David West the Ice Man? And I guess that makes Dr. Light out to be Coach Byron Scott then...

Oh, and will I compare Jannero Pargo to...?

And your high school sports wrap-up...Oh, wait, it's the Hornets. Shit.

So long, Hornets' home winning streak! The Utah Jazz out-uglied the Hornets, 77-66, at The Hive on Tuesday. Or did the Hornets out-ugly the Jazz? Whatever. It was a TOTAL SUCK FEST. What a low-scoring piece of dreck.

Chris Paul finished with four points and nine assists and Byron Scott blasted his team's weak performance. Paul did not exactly put any distance between he and Kobe in the MVP race.

Pitcher Bests Braves on Tuesday, Leaves to Battle Cancer on Thursday

Great story by Tim Brown of Yahoo! Sports about Diamondbacks pitcher Doug Davis. The 32-year-old Davis was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and needs to have it cut out of his throat on Thursday. The guy showed up to work, did his job and now has a six week recovery schedule ahead of him (at least). Best of luck to Mr. Davis.

Forecast: Tough week ahead for Hornets and why Byron Scott is a top notch coach

Column comes courtesy of the 'Ralpha Dog' and WWLTV.com:

On Sunday Chris Paul led the way with a triple double as the Hornets maintained their grip on the Western Conference lead.

During the Hornets resurgence Chris Paul, David West, and the rest of the players have been given almost all of the media attention.

No argument there. CP3 is a superstar right now. Not going to be, not could be - is.

But let’s not forget Byron Scott is a huge part of the Hornets’ story.

A few years ago I went to a Hornets media event and got to chat with Hornets executive and Hall of Famer Willis Reed and I asked him, “What’s the most important thing a head coach does?”

His answer was really simple yet made perfect sense.

“The coach needs to get his team play to hard every night. For ones that do, it’s worth five or six extra wins a year.”

If you don’t believe that watch the Denver Nuggets play one night. They are fighting for their playoff lives but just lost back to back games to Sacramento and Seattle.

Byron Scott has the Hornets playing hard every night.

Watching the game against Golden State Sunday there was a moment at the end of the third quarter that showed another thing that Byron Scott has that will likely mean he’ll be the coach of the Hornets a long time to come.

He and Chris Paul have trust in one another.

Paul usually sits at the beginning of the fourth quarter but wanted to keep playing.

ABC had Paul wired for sound and caught him begging Scott to let him play. Paul even told Scott he would let him know if he needed a break.

Byron Scott left him in and the Hornets won.

It shows a level of trust between a coach and his young star.

And a coach in the NBA needs to be believed in by the star on his team because if he’s not, the unemployment line will be calling his name.

Scott learned this in New Jersey when Jason Kidd pushed him out the door.

The whispers back then were Scott didn’t work hard enough and his assistant Eddie Jordan did most of the heavy lifting.

I’m not saying people were saying those things about Scott because he was black but how come when Larry Bird was coach of the Pacers and took them to the NBA Finals and he had assistant coaches Rick Carlisle and Dick Harter running his offense and defense he was hailed as an innovator but Scott hires a bright young guy to implement the Princeton offense and he’s ‘lazy’?

And for those who just think Scott was lucky in New Jersey to have Jason Kidd and now Chris Paul I ask you this: If Byron Scott had nothing to do with the Nets success how come they haven’t come close to the NBA Finals since he left?

Of course we know Byron Scott is a huge part of the Hornets success.

He has instilled the team with a defensive toughness they’ve lacked the past two years.

Scott deserves some love too.

As in ‘Coach of the Year’ type love.

Hornet’s week in review

An undefeated week highlighted by wins over the Magic and Warriors. I have to say that was so cool that the Miami Heat actually let season ticket holders play in an NBA game against the Hornets.

(You mean Chris Quinn is an actual NBA player? My bad. The Heat are embarrassing.)

Watching the Hornets basically toy with the Knicks I had to laugh as the Knicks play-by-play guys kept saying they didn’t think the Hornets were that good because the Knicks were in the game.

Guys, the Hornets only played really well for about a five-minute stretch in the fourth quarter and still scored 118 points. In fact I wonder if Byron Scott in pregame was like, “Tonight we play no defense. Consider it like a night off. We’ll just outscore them.”

The Knicks are so bad the Hornets coasted to a win by not even playing well for one of the four quarters.

The win over the Warriors was big because it likely was a stake to the heart of Golden State’s playoff chances.

Nice job by the fans booing Baron Davis every time he got the ball.

America needs to remember the Hornets have been gone two years and the fans still have issues to work out with BD.

Translation: We are bitter and no we aren’t over it yet.

Hornets this week

Tuesday: Host Utah Jazz

This game could be a possible second round playoff match-up for the Hornets.

The Jazz currently are fourth in the West. I’m not afraid of the Jazz as a playoff opponent and I think a road to the Western Conference Finals of the Nuggets and Jazz isn’t that daunting.

Wednesday: at Minnesota Timberwolves

This is a tricky spot for the Hornets. The second of back-to-back games this follows a possible hard fought game with the Jazz. And they might be looking ahead to Friday’s Laker game.

While everyone said the recent road trip was the hardest part of the Hornets’ closing schedule I thought this week was tougher. This game might tell us if I’m right.

Friday: At Los Angeles Lakers

The Lakers will need this one and Kobe might put on a show plus Los Angeles plays the Clippers on Thursday which is like an extra day off.

>Saturday: At Sacramento

The Kings are still playing hard as proven by their win at Denver last week. In the East they’d have already clinched a playoff spot. True it doesn’t say much but the Hornets won’t be able to coast.

Ralph Malbrough is a Hornets fan living in Houston. He can be reached at ralphmalbrough@hotmail.com

Why Can't It Be The Hornets' Year?

I've heard it on the radio (well, mostly ESPN Radio) and read it on the Internets (well, Bill Simmons' column, at least) that the Hornets, who deserve credit for their amazing season, will likely not make it out of the second round of the NBA Playoffs.

Simmons seems to think the Hornets are a year away and other talking heads would have us believe that playoff experience will kill them in the end.

While I'm a firm believer in playoff experience, I don't think you can dash the New Orleans Hornets aside this post-season. If the Hornets do finish with the top seed in the West, their opponents will be one of the following three teams: the Denver Nuggets, the Dallas Mavericks or the Golden State Warriors.

The Hornets just beat the Warriors at home today, 108-96, giving the Bees their 11th straight win at home. The Warriors can run and shoot all they want, but if they don't play defense, they're not going to beat the Hornets if Chris Paul gets them in a rhythm.

As for the Mavericks, here's the shit from Simmons' mouth: "They're not a great halfcourt team, they're not a great running team, they're not a great defensive team. ... And on top of that, it seems like they hate their coach." So if Billy Baroo ain't buying it, neither am I. (Excuse me while I duck a lawsuit from Bristol.)

I'm also not buying the Nuggets as a threat in the first round, either, unlike Mr. Charles Barkley. The Hornets won the season series against the Nuggets 2-1 and don't forget that Denver is TERRIBLE on the road. Repeat: TERRIBLE (the 3:20 mark).

Bringing us to Round 2 of Los Playoffs de NBA: likely opponents are Phoenix and/or San Antonio.

The Hornets do not fear the Spurs or Suns, having swept the season series against Steve Nash and Co. and tied the Spurs at two games apiece, including a 100-75 drubbing in San Antonio.

In short, I refuse the believe that the Hornets cannot AT LEAST get to the Western Conference Finals.

Hornets Must Rely on Bonsai!!

Yes, fans, with the playoffs on the way, the Hornets must take up the ancient Japanese art of tree pruning to get their minds right for long road ahead. I'm confident that taking up such a relaxing, non-violent hobby will...

Excuse me? What's that?

Oh...the Hornets need to rely on Bonzi, not Bonsai. To quote Ray Stantz, "Sorry! My fault!"

In other news, the Hornets apparently half-assed it against the Miami Heat last night, not blowing them out UNTIL the fourth quarter...

And a boy should lead them...

Why is this even an issue? Chris Paul has led the "nobody thought they were even making the playoffs" Hornets to the TOP OF THE MOST COMPETITIVE WESTERN CONFERENCE IN OVER DECADE! Didn't mean to go all Stephen A. Smith there, but my point is valid nonetheless. Whether the Hornets finish first or second in the conference is irrelevant. CP3 is the most valuable guy to his team this year.

Now I'm willing to hear arguments for Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Kevin Garnett. It's awesome that this season has produced four legitimate MVP candidates, each with valid points to be named THE MAN for the 07-08 season. But how does Chris Paul, who, if I can remember what I've read correctly, is having the best season for a point guard ever, NOT get the award? Can somebody please explain that one to me?

I can't believe I'm about to reference this guy, but Bill Simmons once wrote in one of his trade value columns (or maybe it was a random MVP column, I don't know) that he picks guys by this important piece of criteria: who would you pick to play with in a pick-up game?

Now, if it's a two-on-two game, yeah, maybe you don't go with Chris Paul, unless you've got the long range shooting ability of Jimmy Chitwood or something. However, if I'm picking a five-on-five game, Chris Paul is my first choice. He will make EVERYONE around him better.

Would Tyson Chandler and David West be doing as well if they were partnered with Kobe Bryant? LeBron James might actually kill to have guys like Chandler and West on his team, but that's beside the point.

If CP3 doesn't win the award because the Hornets don't finish in first place in the West, I may have to give up on watching the NBA altogether, especially if he puts together THE GREATEST SEASON BY A POINT GUARD! SLOV-AH MED-VAH-DENKO!